ncpd25 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hi All, Some of you have read my posts about my break-up with my girlfriend 4 weeks ago. If you haven't, here's a quick recap: She told me she broke with her boyfriend several months earlier (It was more like a couple of weeks). He cheated on her and always lied to her. They never did anything together and she didn't want that kind of relationship. She would talk to him periodically, she hung around his teenage boys and he stopped by the house several times (to pick things up etc..). I always gave her the benefit of the doubt when she told me she no longer had romantic feelings for him but, she did care that he was O.K. About 4 days before she walked away from me (she broke up with me by voicemail) she said he stopped by the house one night to talk to her. She said they had a long talk and he explained why he always lied to her etc..His wife divorced him for cheating on her. She said she was telling me about his visit as she didn't want to hide anything fom me. She said she was in love with me and didn't want to lose me. Four days later, she tells me in a voicemail, she thought she was in love with me, but, wasn't etc...and broke up with me. I told her I was a little upset about him just stopping by unannounced. What if I had been there when he just dropped by? I know it sounds rediculous but, 4 weeks later, I'm still beating myself up, thinking I wasn't good enough to be with her. I'm pretty confident she ran back to him after he cried to her. He was living on his boat. I'm sure he wanted to come back as he didn't want to spend the winter on his boat. I know I treated her real well and did the things with her that she never got to do with him (dinners, events, talking, the whole spending time together). She said, she and I had a partnership. She claimed he and her were more like roommates. Granted, she was with him for 4 years but, she said, she always had trust issues with him. Eventhough, I know she loved being with me (so she said), I'm still beating on myself thinking I screwed up somehow. I can usually convince myself of certain things, I'm pretty strong willed but, I just can't seem to convince myself I did nothing wrong and for whatever reason, she ran back to her ex. I haven't had any contact since my email reply to her after leaving me that voicemail message.nor do I have any intentions of contacting her. I'm trying to tell myself to just forget about her but, I just can't shake it off. Any comments/opinions? Thanks everybody!
Spinderella Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Its hard not to take it personally when someone dumps you, even when you know they still love you/ loved being with you/ think youre the bees knees. People have their own little journeys, and sometimes you fit, sometimes you dont. It seems she had unfinished business, thats unfortunate for you, but it doesnt mean you are defective or anything less than a great person. Try being objectve about this.
alwayshurt Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 well my friend, this is what always happens to the "nice guy". I feel you and I could not me more sympathetic. I have a similar situation and I believe that being the rebound guy never pays off. She probably had feelings for him while she was still with you. She probably never stopped loving him. Now, your option is to just let go on her. Let her sink on her own. if this guy is as you said she will realize what big mistake she made. But it may take some time. Hopefully by then you will be over so you can easily reject her. the truth is that, although now you think you are so much in love with her becuase you've been left, you may not trust this woman anymore and if she comes back to you you will end up leaving her eventually. How hard as it sounds, I would suggest to let her be. Give her space and do your things. Things always happen for a reason, and in your case it could be that she was not the right one for you. Hang in there.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Spin, Thanks for posting. I've always appreciated your opinions and value them. I recall you saying, she had unfinished business. Unfortunately, I didn't believe that was the case based on what she told me. I pretty much understand the circumstances and I'm confident I'll be O.K. It's just real difficult to keep on beating the snot out of myself for, what I feel is, no good reason. Thanks again for your post, I appreciate it. Hi Always, Whether she realizes her mistake or not, it will be too late. It's funnny you mention it. The girl that "set us up" had good intentions and when I told about what happened, she was so annoyed. She apologized endlessly to me. I told her there was no need to apologize. When she heard all I had to say, she said "Her boyfriend is such a self-centered ba$tard" and "She is SOOO going to regret her decision". I'm confident I will not break NC and I would not get back with her. She betryaed my trust in a big way. That's something I will not forget. I don't even know if she would try to contact me in the event her bf pulls the same stunts again (he obviously has a history, chances are he will). If she did, I think I would be hard pressed to speak with her. If I did, she would know exactly where I stand and that would be- without her. Thanks for your insight, it helps to write this stuff and get it of my chest and it really helps to hear from people such as yourself. I'll see how it goes. Things have gotten a little easier since the break-up but, I just haven't turned that corner yet and got over kicking myself. Thanks again Always!!
Pentula77 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Now you'll know when the next girl asks for a relationship with you you'll say "honey that sounds great, just one question though. Are there any ex's lurking in the background that you have feelings for in any way ? cause if so baby we aint going nowhere...." by the way when she works out the the ex she's taken back is a chump (she would've dumped him previously) and comes crying back to you, tell er to take a hike. Don't listen to her words just her actions...and ask yourself, if a person truly was into me would she behave this way ! Dude dont kick yourself, she did you a big favour, you should be celebrating... tough love !
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Pentula, It's funny you say that about asking a woman's "status". I previously went to a counselor. We discussed my previous relationships and it was agreed that when I met someone in the future, I would speak to them and determine if they were in a recent relationship etc... Of course, not interogate them, just find out where they're at through conversation. I adopted that mindset and proceeded to use it with my ex. The thing is, she lied to me about her circumstances. She got divorced 4 years ago and I thought "That's O.K.". She never made any mention of her boyfriend until weeks later. She then told me she broke up with him 7-8 months prior to meeting me and she was over him etc... I believed her and she seemed to be O.K. So even though I tried to protect myself, I got burned anyway. I'm fairly confident she'll be regreting her decision to go back to him however, I'm uncertain if she would call me or not. After hearing how she felt about me (If she was being honest), I would think she might possibly try to contact me. Fact of the matter is, she betrayed my trust and that's something I'll never forget. I strongly doubt I would ever consider getting back with her. I would always be questioning her integrity. I think my main objective is to get over blaming myself for what happened. I've been told, it's a common thing when someone breaks up with you. There are moments when I realize the truth and I tell myself, she can take a flying leap, she screwed up by leaving. She'll have to live with it. She'll regret it. Then 2 hours later, I'm saying what's wrong with me!! I keep flip-flopping. I'm being real hard on myself. I guess I've always tried to do the right thing and feel as if maybe I haven't. Thanks for your post and helpful words. It's greatly appreciated.
Spinderella Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Firstly, thanks for the compliment I know what its like to flip-flop. I'm always flip-flopping, about almost everything. I think its just normal to do this at the end of a relationship. Its why it is best for two people to have absolutely no contact, until they have stopped flip-flopping and know exactly where they are. When you have lost trust in a person, and theres very few break-ups, that dont involve a loss of trust, then you just dont know what reaction to have towards them. Probably it has triggered some negative feelings you already had about yourself too. Its one of the reasons break ups are so hard, so try to use this to uncover whatever thought processes keep beating you up over this, and then seek to alter them.
The Collector Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Many women find self-centered, arrogant bastards more attractive than predictable nice guys. Have you ever seen the episode of South Park where Satan can't choose between New Man Chris and Bad-Boy Saddam? That's modern woman's dilemma right there in cartoon form. He's probably better in bed too, because he's rougher with her than you dare, and she likes that. Chances are you let her walk all over you in the relationship and she prefers a little challenge. Be that challenge and you'll be beating them off with a ****ty stick.
Bosiell Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I think my main objective is to get over blaming myself for what happened. I've been told, it's a common thing when someone breaks up with you. There are moments when I realize the truth and I tell myself, she can take a flying leap, she screwed up by leaving. She'll have to live with it. She'll regret it. Then 2 hours later, I'm saying what's wrong with me!! I keep flip-flopping. I'm being real hard on myself. I guess I've always tried to do the right thing and feel as if maybe I haven't. . I see where you are coming from. I am pretty much in the same position, although much better than I was. I keep telling myself that I did and tried all I could during the relationship, but I still cannot help at times trying to find faults or mistakes, anything to justify the break up. Even to point where I told myself I must have tried to hard and was being to nice! Well thats just a vicious circle however, and if so then she wasnt good enough to appreciate that anyway.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Spin, I realize it's probably a common feeling after breaking up with somebody. I was told that last night by a friend who I was real ggod friends with. She moved to Mississippi a few years back. As for issues within myself, that's whats bugging me. I'm a confident person. After working as a N.Y. cop for 15 years, I had to be if I was going to survive (I wasn't a pompous a$$ of a cop. I made a vow not to be that way). I think I feel the way I do, because this the second or third time this has happened to me (Hence, the counselor and the advice to find out their relationship history). I guess I'm feeling if it happened more than once, there must be something wrong with me. Fact of the matter is, the first 2 I dated, had just got out of relationships so, I guess I deserved it. When I had my new found advice, I really thought I was in "protecive mode" (which I was) but, the fact that she lied to me was the snafu with my most recent break-up. Had she not lied to me, I probably would not have dated her in the first place. Tin, As for my ex's boyfriend, he has been referred to as a self-centered ba$tard by the person who set this whole thing up. She didn't even know she had broken up with him so recently. I think my ex was trying to keep it under wraps for whatever reason. Yeah, he's an irresponsible boob. He had a restaurant that he lost due to not paying his taxes, his wife divorced him for cheating on her, he cheated on my ex, my ex had to find a job for him, he still doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together, he had no place to live, with the exception of his boat, which she paid for (I think that's why he went to talk to her, he needed a place to live for the winter). The list goes on....you get the point. As for his "bed habits", I really couldn't tell you, nor do I want to even want to think about it at this point. I have enough going through my head at this point. I'd rather not cloud my mind with those thoughts. It's time for me to think about myself and not wonder what they're doing in bed.
Bosiell Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Many women find self-centered, arrogant bastards more attractive than predictable nice guys. Have you ever seen the episode of South Park where Satan can't choose between New Man Chris and Bad-Boy Saddam? That's modern woman's dilemma right there in cartoon form. He's probably better in bed too, because he's rougher with her than you dare, and she likes that. Chances are you let her walk all over you in the relationship and she prefers a little challenge. Be that challenge and you'll be beating them off with a ****ty stick. Blokes, let us pray . Damn true Im afraid tho.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Bosiell, The funny thing with me, is, I'm confident my ex ran back to her b/f. After being together for 4 years, he obviously had a history with her. I guess she went back to what she was comfortable with (her comfort zone). I agree with you, if my ex would rather be cheated on and lied to, that's fine. That's her perogative. I'm sure I'll eventually meet somebody (sometime in the next 50-60 years!!) that will appreciate me for who I am. In the meantime, my ex will eventually realize, she made a mistake by going back to him. If she marries him, she'll have the rest of her life to be cheated on (Yeah, it's inevitable, he'll do it again). I think the one thing that bugs me is the fact that, I was doing great on my own, before I met her. Then I have to go through all of this. I realize, if you don't take a chance, you'll never know. As I said, if she had told me the truth, I would never have gone out with her. Thanks for your post!!
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Collector, Sorry I listed your name as Tin (my bad). Thanks for planting that seed in my head about them in bed. That was real helpful. Although, your words may be true, I'm trying to get rid of the negative thoughts and move on. I'm always open to everybody's comments and opinions but, my mind really hadn't traveled down that path....... It is now.
The Collector Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm sorry if it upsets you, but I feel it's an important point to make. Men often underestimate how vital it is to be the best she's ever had if you want real peace of mind. You may be able to blot out the fact that other men are sexual rivals, but women are always aware. Luckily, there is NOTHING stopping you from becoming a sexual superman if you put your mind to it. My advice is to force yourself to move on. 'Next' this woman, she's history. And learn from your mistakes with the next one, don't put her on a pedastal, treat her with as much respect as she's EARNED, be less ashamed of your masculinity, be dominant and playful in bed, watch out for tests, and always be ready to walk away if she doesn't treat you with respect. Oh, and did I say this one's history? Well, sometimes they come sniffing around again after a couple of months. Make sure that by that time you have enough better options that you don't care.
Spinderella Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 The collector, I don't know where you learnt what women want, but, you have it all wrong. Sorry. Ncpd, I think its the human condition and even the most confident of us give ourselves a hard time over something. I dont know why you say she did not have unfinished business, when they had only been broken up a short while when you met. Self evaluation is good though. I know why people break up with me, for example, and dont blame them. I really think somehow you are drawn to people who cannot commit to you. Even if it is not expressed verbally, i.e she lied, theres a certain "I'm not free to love you" vibe that people can omit. Its just three times in a row, seems more than coincidence.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Collector, I don't lack confidence in that department. I'm not saying I'm "the best", but I can hang with the best of them (Pun intended). It's kind of funny, I recall when I was a cop, women would go nuts over a uniform. I was dating someone for quite a while when I was up there so, I never cheated on her. Not to mention, we could end up in hot water if we overstepped our bounds. It wasn't worth it. I'm not ashamed of my maculinity by any stretch. I just didn't care to picture them in bed. That has nothing to do with my personal feelings of myself. I cared for her and the thought of it, is something I'd rather not have to contend with. I have enough to think about. If she did come "sniffing around", which she may, there's no way I would ever trust her again. It's just a matter of time before, he cheats on her again and she second guesses herself. I'm not waiting for her to come knocking. One thing I've never done, is get back with somebody after breaking up. We broke up for a reason and I don't see the point in living it again. In my eyes, he can have her.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Spin, I agreed with your previous comment about her having unfinished business. And yes, I think I was unconsciously pursuing women that were just out of relationships. That was the reason I went to the counselor. I wanted to find out why I was doing what I was doing. Once a determination was made as to what I needed to do to have better success at relationships, I held true to what needed to be done. I honestly believed her when she told me how long she had been out of the relationship and I also believed she was past the feelings she had for him. She conveyed the message that she wanted a partnership with somebody, not a roommate. She said that they never did ANYTHING together and it wasn't a satisfying relationship. She told me of the other things he had done. She always told me how she always felt when she saw me and she appreciated all of the things we did together. She couldn't wait for me to meet her parents and brothers. She told me she felt safe when she was with me. She would constantly email me, text me, leave me messages. I honestly felt she was being sincere and she meant what she said. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. At the time, I didn't see any reason to doubt her. She always seemed so genuine. As I said, had she been honest with me from the get go, I would have told her that she needed to be on her own and work through her recent break-up. I would never have gone out with her. The last thing I want is to repeat history. I want to be able to get into a relationship with a good foundation. Therefore, I have no desire to start dating somebody that recently broke up with their b/f. As a matter of fact, she and I spoke about relationships. I talked about rebound relationships and how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of it. I didn't speak of my past experiences in that respect. She proceeded to tell me she could never do that to somebody and hurt them like that. Again, I thought she had morals. Stupid me.... Bottom line is, she lied for whatever reason, she felt justified in doing so and I fell for it. Basically, I've been lied to my entire career. I've learned to read people pretty well. She never struck me as a liar. Either, shes good at it or I'm getting rusty. It's odd, but, no matter who it is, At first, I always read people when they speak to me to get a feel for them. Not that I don't trust them, It's just something that happens. I don't really think about doing it. I just did it for so long. I don't sit back and analyze people. Sometimes, it takes a little while. They may tell me something and a week later, they'll tell me something completely different. I have a good memory and I'll recall what they previously said and realize the inconsistencies. After retiring from law enforcement (I broke my wrist in 9 places), I became an insurance fraud investigator. As I said, I've been lied to my entire career. I know I'll get through this. It's a matter of time. In the meantime, it helps to hear peoples opinions (such as yours!). One thing I know, I'll never forget what happened with her. Not that I harbor ill feelings nor will I always think about it, I just don't forget things. I recall conversations with people from 15 years ago and what they were wearing when I spoke with them and what was said. I remember peoples names from when I arrested them 20 years ago. Weird huh?
Spinderella Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Mmm, I meant emotionally unavailable. Sure you can go through all the motions of, and even all the feelings of wanting to be with someone. I still think that theres a certain unavailable vibe that is sent out, that goes underneath the words and motions. Mentally of course you dont want to repeat those past actions, but, underneath the logic, there may be a part of you that for some reason is attracted to types that are not ready to commit. I said "may", I'm not a shrink. Its just something to ponder.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 I understand. Maybe I need to take a closer look at myself, look deep inside and maybe re-evaluate. I realize words don't necessarily dictate the true meaning of people. There could be an underlying message that needs to be identified and acted upon. Actions, body language and as you said, a vibe can have a huge bearing on the actual truth, where people really stand and how they feel. Although, her actions could be different from a vibe. Her actions consisted of her calling me to make sure she was going to see me after work, she would pack picnic lunches and we would go to a park and spend time together. She would ask to go to the beach after work and we would lay down on a blanket in the sand and talk. She took me to her workplace to introduce me to eveybody. yeah, the list goes on. I think I understand what you're saying though. Thanks again Spin!!
Bosiell Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 The collector, I don't know where you learnt what women want, but, you have it all wrong. Sorry. quote] You can always rely on Spind for something good. It is generalisation what Collector said, but from my experience not without its truth. I've no doubt there are some genuine women out there to, such as yourself no doubt.
Pentula77 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Bottom line...she's a liar. When she comes back don't take her back. No matter what. You can do much better. Her: "but honey I've changed I promise (add crying for affect)" You: "sorry babe, once chance per girl per lifetime" tough love !
alwayshurt Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 NCPD, your story is very common. It happens all the time. But you should bear in mind that people's feelings can change at any time. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend about a year ago I had to go to therapy and my therapist told me that it takes 20 minute for somebody to change her/his feelings. Now, I truly believe that this girl was sincere when she told you all those things. Somehow along the line somthing must have changed and she probably was not happy with you anymore but still sticked with you because had no alternatives. Once she did she left you. It could have been anybody not necessarly er ex boyfriend. Don't be pissed at her. It could have happened to you as well. Wish her well and move on. You did nothing wrong. Be proud of yourself and don't bring this package with you when you meet the next person. She just was not the one. I am sure that sometime from now she will miss you but hopefully you will be with that somebody that she'll love you for whom you are.
oppath Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I must disagree with you alwayshurt, these things don't happen all the time, or at least they shouldn't. This woman lied about her past. Repeatedly. I would say it was more likely that she was trying to prove to herself "look at me, I've moved on," which is why she said the things to him she did, because they were what she was SUPPOSED to feel, not what she actually felt. Now, that happens all the time. Someone will confuse lust for love. Bottom line is she wasn't honest, and she dumped him via voicemail. That is a b*tch move. You did nothing wrong, dude. I'm sure she'd claim the ex had nothing to do with the breakup. Doesn't matter. In healthy relationships, an ex doesn't come back asking for his girl back, because the ex would have been of the picture. She did **** you over, and that is ok. All it means is that she is not the one, and you aren't compatible. You are now free to find the girl who is. This doesn't make what she did right, but know in your heart you did nothing wrong and that she doesn't deserve you.
Spinderella Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Bos, thanks! I like this thread Oppath I agree with some of what you have said, but, I dont think that often anybody tries to f*** anyone over intentionally in relationships. Its more likely she either did as you said, or as alwayshurt said, her feelings just changed, and yes, thats quite common too, or she felt that she would not be given a chance had she not told men that she was way past her last relationship. Perhaps it was that she felt ashamed of the relationship with her ex, and for being weak where he was concerned. Nobody really knows, and it is all speculation. Yes she did lie, but its unlikely that it was calculated. It doesnt make it okay, but it isnt unforgivable. Its just not what ncpd is looking for in a relationship. Of course its horrible to find out that someone has decieved you, but, I think a certain amount of deception happens in all relations between the sexes. Everyone shows their best side, and most try to hide what they view as character flaws. This is because the majority of people dont feel deep down that they will be loved for their weaknesses, only their strengths. It does make you feel decieved, but, if that is deception, we all decieve. I think it is more likely that she felt ashamed for what she considered a weakness, but that is only my opinion, based on how I see human nature. Only she knows, and maybe even she doesnt know. Discussing where she is coming from, is pointless really, because ncpd needs to figure out where he is coming from, and where he wants to be coming from and to stop taking the collapse of the relationship personally.
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