Ruby Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Even though I told him it is over (4 days ago) and told him not to call me he is still calling!!!!!!!!! I have asked him 3 times not to call and yet he still is! I feel so mean ignoring his calls, he is not a horrible person, he is just not the man for me due to his way of dealing with things and his bad communication. I love this man and have spent the last 2 days crying my eyes out. damn this
oppath Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Sucks! All you can do is say "this is hard for me too, but it is over. Maybe in the future we can be friends, but not right now. My feelings on this matter are not going to change. I do not want a relationship with you and I am confident I am never going to change my mind. Right now, I need time and s-p-a-c-e. So do you. Please, do not contact me. I understand it is difficult for you and that you are hurting too. We both need space. This is FOR ME, not because of you. In a couple of months, maybe we can talk IF we can view each other dispassionately. But right now, I NEED space. Please give me what I need." Sounds like you've told him this 3 times. All you can do is block his number.
SouthernT Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Man I swear it seems like guys (some) do things to upset us on purpose just to see how much we care or just to see how far they can push things before we SNAP.
Author Ruby Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 I feel like screaming at him! My nature makes it very hard for me to ignore him
jcster Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hi Ruby - he's calling because it's always worked in the past. The only way that you can make him believe you are serious is to stick to your boundaries and not give in. You need to make sure that this is what you want, though, because if you keep backsliding with him, he's never going to believe what you say.
Trialbyfire Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 If I recall, your ex might be passive-aggressive. Try this. At the end of the next call, tell him to call the next day, that you'll be excited to hear from him. See if he does call the next day. If not, you've got it made.
garnet Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 From what I remember, you've set the pattern for this behavior yourself. He knows that he can ignore your boundaries and disrespect you, and you'll eventually give in and take him back anyway. Why would he think this time is any different?
Author Ruby Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I agree with you all The problem lays with the fact that I dont want us to split up. When I left my ex I wanted it and nothing he could do would change my mind or make me falter It is so different splitting up with a guy you want to be with - I am not a weak person but he is forcing me to act when in fact I dont want to act on it! That is why I feel so awful (and I really do) when I ignore his calls. I am trying to do what I know is the right thing but it is hard as I dont want to do it! Oh poop do you all know what I mean here????????????
Author Ruby Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I have told him again that I do not want him to call He text me saying goodbye Lets hope that puts it to bed! Has anyone else had a guy who acts like this in conflict?
jcster Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It is so different splitting up with a guy you want to be with - I am not a weak person but he is forcing me to act when in fact I dont want to act on it! That is why I feel so awful (and I really do) when I ignore his calls. Huh? No one can make you do anything you don't want to do. It sounds more like you guys have a fun little game going on than a real relationship conflict. I am trying to do what I know is the right thing but it is hard as I dont want to do it! Then don't, but you really lose the right to complain when you encourage the behavior. Oh poop do you all know what I mean here???????????? Yup...you like drama. Has anyone else had a guy who acts like this in conflict? No...because I would never put up with it.
Author Ruby Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Well I am sorry that I am not perfect like you JC!
jcster Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Well I am sorry that I am not perfect like you JC! I'm sorry you took it that way, but I was trying to wake you up. Have you gone back and read some of your past posts? I did before I made the previous comment. All I'm trying to say is that if you don't want to end it, and you won't change the dynamic, then there is obviously something that you are getting out of this never ending merry-go-round of "he's ignoring me/he won't leave me alone!" If you can answer yourself truthfully, and see why you continue to cultivate this, then maybe you'll see an exit. Otherwise, I feel we're in re-runs here.
Author Ruby Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I see what you are saying JC I dont like this but the reason I go back is because, believe it or not, he is such a lovely man and I really love him. Alas he has some traits that i cannot put up with It does not make this easy on me just because I am doing the right thing I know he will make me miserbale so how I see it is why carry on when we will inevitably split anyway - May as well rush it along
Sweetcheripie Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Hey Ruby! Sometimes being pursued is addictive. I don't know the whole story but it sounds like you asked him not to call you because you want him to chase you. But just remember he will chase you to get you back and then will resort back to the behaviours that you broke up with him about. Yikes - this could be a very tiring merry - go - round. Why don't you block his number - give yourself some time of really NO Contact and just focus on you. Maybe after a couple of weeks when the tension of will he try to get a hold of me, will he try to win me back passes - you will see things differently. I'm sorry - I know this is painful and all consuming. Just pamper yourself and try to refocus.
climbergirl Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I'm sorry you took it that way, but I was trying to wake you up. Have you gone back and read some of your past posts? I did before I made the previous comment. All I'm trying to say is that if you don't want to end it, and you won't change the dynamic, then there is obviously something that you are getting out of this never ending merry-go-round of "he's ignoring me/he won't leave me alone!" If you can answer yourself truthfully, and see why you continue to cultivate this, then maybe you'll see an exit. Otherwise, I feel we're in re-runs here. I agree to a point. However, I know where Ruby is coming from. Correct me if I'm wrong, Ruby, but it seems that the relationship has unbelievable highs to massive lows (silent treatment/break ups). It's really hard to wrap your head around a nearly perfect relationship in all other accounts that turns into obvious communication conflict or difference to handling conflict at the drop of a hat. Those relationships are harder to let go of than those with obvious incompatibilities. You keep thinking..."If we can just learn to deal with things better, then everythings gonna be alright". Sometimes you both are on the same page to resolve, and sometimes you aren't. This I know..it takes two. And, Ruby, if he isn't persuaded to change or work on how he handles things by the thought of losing you...there isn't much you can do but really leave. And don't leave thinking you can change how he feels...it may happen...but leave with the thought that it most likely won't change. I don't know if this will help or give you another perspective on the silent treatment (as I know you and he had issues about this in the past), but all I've heard on here is that it is 'abusive'. I believed it until I read this from www.TalkAboutRelationships.net . IDK..maybe understanding his coping mechanism will help. :bunny: CG
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 but the reason I go back is because, believe it or not, he is such a lovely man and I really love him. Alas he has some traits that i cannot put up with But if those traits outweigh the good, then you can love him all you want, this relationship won't work out. To be honest, it sounds quite dysfunctional and unhealthy. Love isn't supposed to cause this much pain...Sure, love hurts, but not like you're hurting. Either you two get back together again and go to couples therapy to learn how to have a functioning and healthy relationship, or end it. You can't keep breaking up and getting back together again...Each time you two break up, it lessens what you two had to begin with.
climbergirl Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 But if those traits outweigh the good, then you can love him all you want, this relationship won't work out. To be honest, it sounds quite dysfunctional and unhealthy. Love isn't supposed to cause this much pain...Sure, love hurts, but not like you're hurting. Either you two get back together again and go to couples therapy to learn how to have a functioning and healthy relationship, or end it. You can't keep breaking up and getting back together again...Each time you two break up, it lessens what you two had to begin with. I agree, WWIU. Not only are the two of you not resolving the initial (break up) issue, but the 'break ups' are piling sh*t on top of sh*t. So, when you guys get back together, you have to address the period of the 'break up' which is hurtful enough. Most don't have the energy to delve past that to the underlying issue. Nothing gets resolved. And, inevitably, trust is thrown out the window each time you break up. I've been there. And I loved him a lot. But everytime it happened (break ups/get back together), I or he maximized an issue that shouldn't have been much of an issue to begin with. It's now become part of the dynamics of which you've been accustomed. I think you're doing the right thing...give it time and space. And hopefully, you and he come to the conclusion that you aren't right for each other or it means enough to do what WWIU suggested.
Trialbyfire Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 In continuing to play the game, you continue to empower his bad behaviours. Step back and stop playing. If he's ever ready to come to the table to negotiate, you can address the issues at that point.
Author Ruby Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 How do I know when he is ready to seriously discuss problems we have? He has called me and texting me jokes and he text me 'I love you' last night! I ignored it all It is hard to ignore though
Fancee Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Just keep winging. You talk a little and maybe you see him a little but keep winging him.
Author Ruby Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 what is winging? and what will that do?????????????
Author Ruby Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 he just rang me and left a message asking me to call him I haven't This is hard
Recommended Posts