oppath Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I've been dating a girl long distance -- a friend of 2+ years -- for a few months. She is not my gf, she took step back because she recently ended a LTR. Basically, we were talking intensely, and I was meeting her BF needs, but it wasn't fair to me given her state, so we slowed way down. She's moving to my town. In fact, she is moving this weekend. I asked her "do you need help moving" and she said "no," because where she is moving is furnished and it's basically just clothes and such. She told me she doubted she'd be able to even see me because things were crazy and she needed to be back in her town. I made plans to go camping. She's now pissed at me because I can't help her move. I told her "I understand you are disappointed, but I thought you didn't need my help and that I wasn't even going to get to see you. I'm willing to help out next week with something, or later this month when your sister moves, I'm willing to drive up there and help her out for you." "That's not a good counteroffer" she said. "Can't you cancel your trip?" "No. It's non-refundable, I didn't think I'd even get the chance to see you when I booked it, and I love camping." "So you love it more than me?" NOT FAIR. I understand her feeling disappointed and being upset. I guess when she said no, she meant she didn't need me to drive up there. But she is not my gf. One reason I booked this trip is because I've been stagnant on the weekends, and when she pulled back I decided I'm going to do something to meet new people, not dates, just people. Had she said "yes, I'll need your help moving" I would not have scheduled it. I feel I have a right to say NO and she has no right to passive-aggressively guilt trip me. If she were my gf, I would have checked with her first. In fact, I did. Before I booked the trip, I asked her "when are you moving? Do you need my help? Would I get to see you?" and she didn't ask for my help and she wasn't free to spend time with me, so I made plans. When we're together, we are really happy, we don't have arguments, it's care free and fun and enjoyable. It really pisses me off that she's not quite ready for a relationship, yet she confers relationship responsibility on me when we are apart. I like her a lot! What I dislike, is her trying to guilt trip me into changing my plans and making me feel like I did something wrong. She was passive -- turning down my help and not being sure if she could see me when she might have needed my help and was hoping to see me -- and now she is being aggressive. Why not be assertive and say "I don't need you to drive up here to help me pack, but I could probably use a hand when I get down there. I plan on being there that Saturday afternoon. Can you be free? I'll pay you with beers or kisses, your choice" when I asked "will you need help?"
Star Gazer Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 You're absolutely right, she's not being fair at all. You DID check with her, and you WOULD have not scheduled the pre-paid trip had she indicated she would have had ANY opportunity to see you at all, nevermind need your help. You slowed down the relationship because of HER needs, and now she's asking you to forego something you love and already paid for to help her move. As of right now, she's a friend, not a GF, and therefore has no right to have ANY expectations of you in this regard. However, even assuming arguendo that you were an official couple, the miscommunication is certainly not your fault, and her passive-aggressive, "Do you love it more than me?" comment is just...lame.
Touche Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Of course you're right. She's playing little girl games. Also, I want to add this. You say everything has been great when you're together, etc. I guarantee that if you spent more time with this girl, you'd see more of this behavior. That kind of thing isn't usually an isolated thing. Women either act like this across the board or they don't at all. It would be a red flag indicating incompatibility in my book, that's for sure.
Author oppath Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Well, if she WERE my gf, and I made plans knowing she was moving that weekend, she could imply "if you considered me a priority, you would be there." This is not the context. Of course I don't love her. It's too soon to be in love. I care about her. I love her as a friend. We have sex, I'm here to meet her needs, but I'm not her bf. That is not FAIR to me. I agree. Incompatibility. My last gf was passive-aggressive at times, mainly not talking to me if she were mad, such as after 3 months of dating "I am 90% sure you are the guy I am going to marry. Does that scare you?" I'd be honest and say, "to be honest, a little bit. I really like you and like how things have gone, and I see you in my future, but marriage is really far off for me right now." She wouldn't talk to me for the next hour, and I'd spent the entire time reassuring her. I don't want to involve myself with someone like that again. I want someone who can validate my feelings and is willing to talk things out without guilt tripping me. There are times in an argument, when I feel like "hey, if you cared about me, you'd be treating me this way" and that is implied in the subtext, but this current situation: she's not my girlfriend. We are not in love. If I were her bf, absolutely, I'd own up to making plans inappropriately and I'd cancel. I'd never say "I'm busy" when it's clear she was disappointed (as long as there was an arguable reason for disappointment). I've stepped back BECAUSE of her, so she can get her needs met. I object to her making me feel like I am doing something wrong. I think with her still getting over her ex, and this, I need to end it and only be her friend. It's confusing. She says "I can't do this" and I assume it's OVER OVER and then she shows up at my house without calling 2 nights later (she had to be in town early the next morning and had another place to stay), claiming the connection warranted stopping by, and that she just wanted to pace things a little. Time to find an available woman, and one that doesn't play silly little girl games. She's a great woman, but she's not right for me, nor is it the right timing otherwise.
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