Integra Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hi all! I'm new to posting, however I've been reading the Shack for over a year now. I'm going to do my best to share my story as well. It's long, it was hard to live through, however, maybe it will help people. Who knows. Anyway.. Here it goes... My H & I had a whirl-wind romance. M quickly, probably too quickly... A DS w/in 1yr. In the first 3 yrs of M my career was taking off. I had earned 2 promotions, was working on a 3rd. My H's career on the other hand.. Not so good. This is when our problems 1st started. This is when my H's "bully" behavior 1st started rearing its ugly head.. He never cursed at me, just raising his voice, interrupting when I spoke that kind of thing. Which of course would tick me off, and we would be at it.. Together we decided that it was the hours I was working & my job were really too much w/a young child. So, I resigned my position, welcome SAHM. Things started to get better.. Then..... Yr.4... H looses his job, company bought out, everyone gone.. Nothing he could control.. SO financial problems began. I felt quilty for leaving my well paying job. Would express how I was feeling.. Up rears Mr. Bully. Now he is getting louder, interupting more.. Telling me to quit talking and so on. Still no cursing at me, no put downs nothing like that. Just trying to bow up, be loud & trying to sound intimidating.. I'm the D of a USMC DI.. Loud, and bowed up do not intimidate me.. I grew up w/ it.. So we would fight.. Yr. 5... In steps a neighbor's friend.. You know the drill.. Talked to me, so me in ways that H didn't anymore... Made me feel things I didn't anymore and so on and so on. Once I recognized that I started having feelings for this person, that I shouldn't have. I asked my H for a seperation.. Let me be clear.. I did not seperate to be w/ OM.. As a matter of fact.. We never crossed that fine line to a PA.. I actually have never seen or spoken to OM again, since 3wks after my seperation.. The reason I seperated was because I recognized that if I was having these feelings then something was really wrong.. And I wanted my H.. I wanted my M.. But if OM was in the picture, that would never happen.. So, H and I spent the next 11mths, working on us.. My H's heart was broken.. I know now, that our seperation destroyed something in him.. He began drinking while we were seperated, hanging out w/the guys every night. I didn't realize how bad it was since we weren't living together.. Yr 6. We R'd... Things felt really good. At first. I was bother by H still going out & partying 1-2 nights per wekk. This caused fights. H lost 2 more jobs. Finances got really bad. We fought constantly now. YR.8 H's drinking totally out of hand. Therfore his bullying behaviour has become intolerable. Again, trying to intimidate me w/ his voice and stance, more than his words. However, During these fights he says things that are what he's feeling about himself, but trying to lay those feelings on me. For mths my H was developing a frienship that I wasn't ok w.. We discussed it several times. The reason I wasn't okay w/it was because from the beginning, this young (22) woman made no bones about how she felt about my H.. You know the drill, no no, nothing going on.. Would never do that.. She's just young and flirty... One summer night. My H comes home just stinking drunk and crying like someone had died. He had sex w/ this young woman...Yep, he went got drunk right afterwords then came home and told me. The next day he quit his job, had a new one w/in 2 days for a company that he used to work for.. The next week OW shows up at job, H calls me.. I go there.. WE both sit down w/her and tell her that yes, he has told me everything, they would never be seeing or speaking to one another again, over. And So on.. I was actually, suprising very nice & gentle to OW. Why, you may ask...Well, I was looking at a 22 yr old. With (by her admission) very little experience w/men. Had yet to have that first serious adult relationship, and she thought my H was the love of her life. I really felt for her... She was devasted, right in front of me, she kept asking if they could still get together for coffee, or drinks, or if she could just come hang out w/ him every once and awhile. Every answer was NO of course. But each time he said NO, I watched another piece of that young woman break... The worst was when she asked H why he had sex w/ her if he didn't have any feelings for her and he answered her as honestly as he could at the time. He told her, that he did it to get back at me.. To hurt me.. Not only was he mad at me for constantly being on him about his drinking, spending all of our money on partying, but he was still harboring tons on resentment about our seperation, that he had never shared w/ me. My h's "A" (and I have to tell all of you, reading so many stories here, I really feel bad calling my H's 3wk A an A.. Some people have dealt w/this for yrs) was a nuke going off in our home.. Yr 9.. H home... I'm now less than 4mths away from my 14th wedding anniversary.. My H has not had a drop to drink since the night he came home and told me about the OW. The OW was never seen or heard from again, after our meeting. My H's bullying, well it's almost none existant now.. Boy did that take alot of work.. If he starts raising his voice now. I let him know he's starting and he regains control.... Sorry this has been so long. But I would like to tell you all briefly what I've learned from my marriage of doing everything wrong for years. 1) I see it said here so much. And it can not be emphasized enough.. COMMUNICATION is key one.... Everyone of our problems can be traced back to lousy communication. We had NO idea how to talk to one another, from the very beginning. 2) Never underestimate how much power what you say has over your loved one. Especially something negative.. And most of the time we don't even really know we are doing it.. Example, my quilt for quitting my good paying job, made my H feel like a failure that he couldn't support our family. 3) NEVER underestimate the power of outside influences in your M.. My H hung out and partyied every night w/ people who were all under the age of 25.. Why? Because the loved him.. And he ate it up... See, they didn't see him like his family did.. They saw him as the guy w/great stories, great advice, He was king sh&t when he was w/ these people. 4) For a M to work.. Both of you have to be in it 110%.. You have to communicate w/ each other. You have to be honest w/ your spouse about your feelings. You can't hold things in and let them stew until you blow.. You have to talk w/ one another. 5) NO 2 M's are the same.. What works for some, may not work for others. However, if you really love your spouse and they love you, and you both want to make your M work (no matter what) You should at least try, and try w/ all your heart to work it out.. Can it always be worked out, sadly no. But at least you know that you did try. Sorry this was so long.. This is the first time I have shared the entire sordid story of my (almost)14yr M w/anyone. Yes, family/friends no pieces here& there.. But this is the first time I have laid it all out for anyone other than H or a therapist. And I WISH I HAD FOUND THIS PLACE YEARS AGO!!! I think it would have helped me get through some pretty tough times.. Have a nice day everyone!! Tell someone you love them!!!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I think that there is much to learn from your story! I believe this will help many people. Thank you for sharing!
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 What an incredible story! I double what Cobra has said, your situation will help many.
Kasan Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Your story was very inspiring to read! It really brings home to me just how imperfect Mr. or Mrs. Right can be, and how much work a marriage is under the best of circumstances. The most important message I read in your thread is forgiveness. Thanks for sharing....you deserve your happy ending.
Author Integra Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 What an incredible story! I double what Cobra has said, your situation will help many. Whichway - you're one of the posters that I have been reading for over a year... Even if the help comes in the form of " DON"T DO WHAT I'VE DONE;)" It's good.. I just read so many people here that feel so alone in their pain. I just wanted people to know that so many of us have been right there. And even though the outcomes & methods may be different, we made it through. Your story was very inspiring to read! It really brings home to me just how imperfect Mr. or Mrs. Right can be, and how much work a marriage is under the best of circumstances. The most important message I read in your thread is forgiveness. Thanks for sharing....you deserve your happy ending. Kasan- One thing I've learned is NO ONE, not even the "me" in all of us, are perfect. And the sooner we can fully understand within ourselves that perfection isn't possible, the sooner we can start and try to relsolve problems.. Forgiveness is definitely an individual thing. Each of us has our limits. But the key, for me & me alone, was recognizing and forgiving myself of my own failings and faults before I could understand and forgive my H's.. I think that there is much to learn from your story! I believe this will help many people. Thank you for sharing! Cobra- You (much like WWU) are another poster that I have read alot of post from. If any one can learn from all the mistakes H and I have made, then it's good.. It's all part of being human. Neither H nor I are our mistakes, we are the product of what we have actively chosen to learn from and change from those mistakes. I must admit.. It did feel good to finally share this outside of my "circle" of family/friends.. I've read so many stories here over the past year+, that sometimes I just sit thinking, "OMG, I know how that feels... I wish I could just hug you and say that there is hope.. Either in your M/R or out of it. There is hope"
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