MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm sorry to hear that Sans. I don't want to become all bitter and twisted but the more I hear the "let's just be friends" line the more I am thinking that it is just to make them feel better. I mean in a normal situation you don't pick friends who ignore you, don't care how you feel and gradually stop talking to you (as soon as someone 'better' has come along). Still, I have to remind myself that I love her and I'm bigger and better than all that. I'm strong enough to love her and accept what she does, no matter how stupid or hurtful I think it is. The problem I am stuck with now is (after some decent NC) do I attempt to re-connect as a friend ... with the likelihood that she is with someone else or do I move on in life without her. Part of me wants to say "Well if you leave me and choose to be with someone else then I can't be a part of your life, as a partner or a friend." Part of me wants to say "I'll always be here for you if you need me, I'll be your friend through the good and the bad. I will always want to be with you." Toughy!!
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 i think the 'wanting to be friends' remark is only said to ease their conscience. it's kinda chicken-#$%@ if you ask me. i don't really see a reason why it couldn't work under the right circumstances but i don't think that's for me. there would be too much history and background information. and sans, man, what's happened has happened. nothing you can do about it now. you seem very angry still and i don't think that's very constructive. be the better person and show her what she let go of and move on.
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I agree Dawg (again)! I think there are times when a friendship can work but in my opinion (not that I've experienced it) it has to be much later on when enough time has passed - I'm thinking years and not just months. When someone has left you there are a lot of issues to work through: abandonement, anger, hurt, loss of trust ... and so on. Those things do not go away quickly. Sans, just keep talking it out. If you are angry then find a way to release it now and then (a safe way) - go for a run or thump a pillow (no, not slang term for another guy ). It's important to feel what you feel - don't, whatever you do, bottle it up! I've seen that happen a lot and it always, always explodes at some point.
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks guys. your kind words have really helped me today. Friday, what used to be my favourite day of the week... it will be again. I realise I have to start doing things for myself and things that I enjoy, the only person i'm hurting by moping around is myself.. He doesn't give a $hit that I am feeling like this, otherwise he wouldn't have done this to me. Regarding a therapist Matty, is it a counsellor you mean? I am in Ireland and we don't generally use the term thearapist here.. i did see a counsellor before when we were still together because i was depressed.. didn't really find them much help to be honest.
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Recovering from something as hurtful as a break up takes a long, long time. All the things people say to do on here like working out, new hobby, walking, etc. wont make things easier over night. It's the HABIT of doing them over and over again that helps you to slowly take shift your focus off of the heartache. Also, having unsaid feelings on your shoulders can be a big inhibitor to feeling better. Write letters and lots of them. Keep them all together. If you feel the need to talk to your ex about those feelings, wait some time and gather your thoughts all together before you confront them. Find one or two people that you can express yourself and your inner feelings to. I have a buddy that Im not that close with but for some reason he lets me just puke my feelings to him about my ex. And most of all, dont deny yourself the pain you feel. You will only start to get better by facing that pain and dealing with it. All these things are small things but they accumulate over time. But you have to keep up with them for it to help you out. My opinion, counsellors I would never go to. They dont know me from Tom, Dick, or Jane. I know myself better than anyone else and change can only start from within. Plus I realized that all the times I was there for my friends its my turn for them to be there for me.
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thats my opinion on counsellors Nice Guy. Why pay some one a lot of money to site there and listen to my problems when a good friend will let me do it for free and they really care and are not in it to get money. I have a lot of unanswered questions for my ex, i have no way of contacting him though to get those answers, he has a new number which i don't have and has moved from where he was living.. Probably in with the new woman i'm guessing. He does however work for the same company as me but in a different location that is nearby but i would never approach him in work.. I feel that if i don't get those answers that i want it will eat away at me.. I am trying to rebuild my life on my own and be happy on my own but i still want answers
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 If you have his address why not send him something? A note or short letter stating that you would like to sit and talk with about some stuff. Keep it short and simple. If he doesnt respond then you know your answer. He is just a jerk off and you dont need anything else from him. Its your call. If you feel like you need that to move on then do it and try to get some answers. Be prepared though that more likely than not you probably wont like them...
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks Nice Guy. I sent him letters when we first broke up.. he never replied to any of my letters and the last words he spoke to me were to leave him alone so that is what i have done (or rather that is what i have been forced to do). I do see him around the odd time in work and i have always been polite and said hello or waved but he ignores me. I just wish i knew what I did for him to stop talking to me.. One day everything was fine and the next he hated me. It's hard for me to like myself when someone who loved me so much now hates me so much and I have no idea why and I can't see i will ever get the answers. Thanks for your kind words of advice.. means alot
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 My ex was pretty cold and heartless after we split. Only later did I learn that the coldness was from inside her because of the guilt she felt for leaving. She took those feelings and projected them onto me when she would talk to me. Always being defensive, stand offish and generally not herself. After I left her alone for some time and quit bringing things up did she warm back up again. It was then I got what I wanted to off my chest. I was true and honest and she sensed that and cared enough for me to wholly listen. Plus I waited a few weeks before I did this so I would be emotionally prepared for it. If he told you those things then think about if thats what you want to do. Then when you think youve made your choice, give yourself at least a week or two to then initiate anything. Good Luck!!!
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 thanks Nice guy. I've given it 6 months now.. As i said i have no way of contacting him.. perhaps he will contact me eventually but i'll have to wait and see. I'm sure its coz of the new woman that he won't get in contact. Some days i feel such hate for the two of them and other days its longing for him. Thanks Nice Guy, you are good at this!!
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks guys. your kind words have really helped me today. Friday, what used to be my favourite day of the week... it will be again. I realise I have to start doing things for myself and things that I enjoy, the only person i'm hurting by moping around is myself.. He doesn't give a $hit that I am feeling like this, otherwise he wouldn't have done this to me. Regarding a therapist Matty, is it a counsellor you mean? I am in Ireland and we don't generally use the term thearapist here.. i did see a counsellor before when we were still together because i was depressed.. didn't really find them much help to be honest. Hey Nemo, Yeah - Therapist / Counsellor. I actually used one during my time at University but found them to be pretty useless. The guy I'm seeing now is incredible. The only way I can describe it is to liken it to a chiropractor. They work away at your emotional build up and tightness ... and often you won't even be aware of the issues. As for whether they are good or not. Well it's a personal thing of course, I was just offering the suggestion because I have had a good experience with them. You have to have someone you can talk to though. One thing I would say though is that although it might seem counter-intuitive having someone who is completely unbiased and who will not judge you to sit there and talk to is incredibly liberating. Friends and family are great (and so is LS for the relationship stuff) but often there are deeper emotions involved and that's when a professional can help. Anyway, just my two pennies!
nemo28 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Hey Matty. Thanks. I am going to look into it this week.. I had a "run in" with the ex on Saturday.. I was queing in a shop and he came up the queue beside me, i decided to be the bigger person and say hi to him. He flatly ignored me, paid for his stuff and walked out of the shop leaving me standing there totally mortified. Makes me so sad that someone that once loved me so much is now not even willing to be polite to me when i meet him in public. Not even a hello Not a nice start to my weekend... Hope u had a good wkend!
MattyTee Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Sorry to hear that Nemo, must be really hard for you I don't have to worry about running in to my ex as she lives nearly 5000 miles away. My weekend was pretty horrible too to be honest, I've been out of contact for a little over 2 weeks now but still have her words ringing in my ears from our last talk. I'm pretty sure she's either dating someone or will be soon. Ah well, hope your day today is better!
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