DazUK Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I have been reading a book by Susan Anderson called 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' and I was on page 150 (reading an excercise about how to deal with Internalising, blaming yourself, when the book skips 33 pages, I was distraught. I am going through the internalising stage, with a fair bit of Shattering (that means complete devestation) and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on getting through this or just how other people in the same situation may be coping as I feel quite alone at the moment and it feels like I will never be happy again. Also if anyone has got this book and could possible scan and send me the missing pages that would be very appreciated, as the book take 3 weeks to get a new copy in the UK. I'll give a little paragraph on how I'm feeling, Im at work and we have the radio on and every so often a song will come on that reminds me of him and it sets me off, Im spending more time in the toilets crying than at my desk. I have tried suppressing the feelings butt hen it all hits me at once and I end up doing something stupid. Im also constantly searching for someone to replace him but I know its not for the best, I need to learn to be alone again and happy alone before I can meet someone else again. Looking forward to hearing from ya, if any of you need someone to chat to, help each other get through it, give me your email address, I'd happily like to talk to someone else going through the same thing and we can encourage each other on.
coath Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 i know how you feel im going through a really life changing situation , i am doing and thinking the same as you its god damm hard work !!i cant concentrate at work , radio is playing songs aimed at me every day !!i will quite happly talk to you if you want , email add [email protected]f you want to read up on my situation its title is ( i need to talk to someone )
Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Same feelings for me guys. I'm into my third month of this torture and I still have my crumbling periods. The 'shattering' is a familiar feeling too, I'm still devastated and want to stop thinking about her every waking moment. I'm constantly reminded of her by everything and it just makes me feel worse. I had hoped to be further on than I am and everything else in my life feels like it has no point and is going down the toilet as a result.... You can contact me at my e-mail which is [email protected] if you like. I could use as many shoulders to cry on as possible, I think we all could.
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Daz,i was thinking of buying that book. Saw it on Amazon. Is it worth a read? My situation is not getting any better. Broke up with ex of 5 years in March and still crying and longing for him every hour of every day of every week.... When does the heart ache stop? Whats making it worse is that he has someone new now and has not spoken to me since March.. I feel i have just been thrown away to the gutter for someone new. Anything that will help me get over this is welcome. Thanks. Nemo
MartianChronicles Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 looks like we're all in the same boat, aren't we? after two months, here's what i am: 10 hours/day at work, attend a yoga class, talk to people, hang out with friends and try to make some new, read a lot, sleep a lot, eat healthy food. sometimes it feels i'm completely out, feeling great. some days i'm a wreck. sad, angry and confused. and i feel damn lonely, though i know i'm not. as if that weren't enough, my ex bf keeps writing and texting me, asking whether i'm fine or not. i ignore his attempts of contact most of the times, but they remind me he's on his way, he's good and has fun, meets people and has sex with someone else. it's like my brain has moved on, but my heart is still stuck. hell, i hate this.
coath Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 hi people ! the only way i am making it through a working day is to pretend that everything is ok ! i know thats probably not the best way to handle this but i cant loose my job aswell as my family ! anyone else suffering today !!
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Suffering away here too! Actually sat at work now, hiding away in my office (and hoping no one comes in ). I have up and down days but this last week has been tough (just found out today she is going out dating). Only 2 months on - with 14 days of no contact. Same sorts of feelings - some days I can do nothing but sit there and cry. I've tried to busy myself up but the little moments alone at night or first thing in the morning are still unbearable. Literally everything reminds me of her I'll add my email here too (is always good to talk to others) [email protected]
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm 6 months N/C. That is what is killing me. I feel i have been kicked to the kerb. He promised me that he would always want to be friends with me and then suddenly for reasons unknown to me stopped talking to me and I have not heard anything since. At the start i tried sending him letters, telling him how much i loved him and wanted to work things out. What a fool i was. He is now shacked up with some bit*h who apparently left her fiancee for my ex b/f (i live in a small town and my ex b/f works for same company as me so i hear things going around). I have a phsyical pain in my whole body that won't go away no matter how much i want it to. I would love to get some closure on the whole matter and feel until i get that i will always be wondering why he won't talk to me. Its clearly because the tart won't let him. Oh, here is another song on the radio to remind me of him... everywhere i go i am faced with memories of some sort. :( :(
MartianChronicles Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 sorry, i forgot to post my email: [email protected] update: i replied my ex bf's last email, telling him i am far better off when i don't hear from him. he's disappeared. hope he stays away long
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks Matty for the hugs. right back at ya! How long were u and ur g/f 2gether?
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Well it's a long, complicated story ... but the short version is almost 8 years (our would-be 8 year anniversary was a fun day for me ), we were engaged and I was to move out to live with her just after the New Year.
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 The radio thing you mentioned reminded me of a day-trip into London yesterday. I kept seeing these big billboards advertising the West-End stage show of Disney's Lion King. It was the last night we had together this summer before she headed home ... I was absolutely devastated - I literally had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying on the underground
starlite Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 It has only been 5 days since my bf and I broke up. We were together 2.5 years and living together 1.5. I am so sad today!!! We spoke yesterday because we have some financials to figure out but this is just so hard. Being at home and realizing 'he's not coming back' and such! We broke up for good reasons. He wasnt honest enough with me. Every few months he would lie about something else he feared I would get mad about. I just cant live my whole life like that. There was more than that to leading to our split. I am 25 years old and I really need honesty in my relationship. I just miss him so much and want to be back in his arms again. I know I could go back if I wanted...but things wont change.
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Starlite, Well big hugs to you too! It is really tough. There is a lot of good advice here (although not much from me - I may be 29 but still a relationship baby!) and it can help to vent / post and see other people around going through the same sorts of things.
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I know what you mean Matty. You have shown me that men actually do have feelings, it must be just my selfish ex who has no feelings or no consience. I could never just kick someone to the kerb the way he has done to me... What do you do with your time? how do you keep yourself going mad? I find myself arguing alot with people around me, my friends, family etc, it's all the anger i have for him coming out on the people who love me and it's so unfair but i can't help it Weekends are really hard, the hardest, sad as it is i find myself looking forward to Monday to arrive so i can get back to work Literally everything in my life reminds me of him.. i am also consumed by a horrible jealosy because he is with some one new now. I wish i could fast forward to a year from now and be totally over him.. Starlite: My break up sounds very similar to yours, my ex lied alot and kept things from me because he thought i couldn't handle it.. What i couldn't handle were the lies, i always found out things and then i would go mad but if he had only told me the things in the first place i wouldn't have been so upset.
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Guys! Guys! Guys! It doesn't have to be like this. Every single one of you has the power to change it!!! Trust me, I know. I have been through the fire and I pulled myself out of it. If I can do it, so can you. The answer? The power to provide our own happiness resides solely within ourselves, from NOWHERE else! I know, a lot easier said than done. When my wife dropped the bomb on me it was the most devasting, tragic event that had ever happened to me. I was probably co-dependent with abandonment issues (still am a little but I'm working on it ) and her leaving was my worst nightmare. I needed her (or thought I did). After many many months of introspection I realized that my sense of self-worth was directly tied to her. I defined myself through her. I also had viciously low esteem that ruled my life. Every perceived affront I took personally and it made me a very lonely bitter person. Then, with some help, I realized that it was my job to ensure my happiness. That while the situation I was in was not the best, I needed to focus on the blessings in my life and deal with the hardships. The challenge is not to get bogged down in the crap that happens to you but rather try to find a positive. We're seperated now and that sucks. But I do enjoy the freedom. I can watch ESPN anytime I want. I can play WoW all evening if I want. Little things like that can help change your perception. God (or whoever you believe created us ) gave us the power to be happy. I truly believe that! It's up to us to find that power within us. Stay positive, you can do it!
nemo28 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks Buck You speak all truth, but as you said it's easier said than done. I'm reading the book "the secret" at the moment and i'm trying hard to practice it.. it's so difficult though. I realise that I am the only person who can make me happy, I have been relying on my ex to make me happy and now that he is gone i am unhappy.. Just a habit i have to get myself out of but its oh so hard
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Well Nemo, One of the hardest things for me has been to forgive my ex for everything that is happening. Three weeks after our break-up she was already on a dating site (after telling me she wanted to be alone). She is also likely to be dating someone new very soon (she told me that she would pursue a new relationship, knowing that I want to be with her). Still, at the end of the day this has made me realise how much I do love her and that (unfortunately) that means wanting her to be happy above and beyond any of my 'wants'. I'm not always able to stick to it and there are days when I'm wanting to scream out that she's ready to move on so soon! The second big realisation from the break-up (and from talking to people here and friends) has been that this is the time to work on myself. I know I don't need a relationship now (in fact I'm certainly not ready) and although I want to be with her if she rang up tomorrow and said let's get back together, I would ask her to give me some time (if she really meant it she would wait) to finish the process I've started. As for what I do? Well, I sort of feel like you do - although my work days are a bit different. Days when I'm not working are the hardest to get through. I've tried a number of things: I go running 3 times a week, I am heading back to martial arts classes next week (after an 8 year gap), I'm looking at going to yoga classes. The 'trick', if you can call it that, is to occupy yourself in any way you can. If you can occupy yourself with something that is making positive changes then that's even better. One thing I've been doing which has helped a lot has been to just head out on my own to a cafe (for a while I was doing this every evening). I would find a nice quiet spot, get a nice hot cup of tea and write in a journal. I'd write whatever came to mind (quite often just observing what was going on around me). It occupies you and you never know where your mind might take you with it... With the anger, well it can be hard to know where to direct this. Without sounding too much like an amateur psychologist and trying to go on my experience this will be a mix of things. You are obviously angry at him but there might be anger directed at yourself. I certainly have this. I didn't lie or cheat but I was insecure in our relationship and didn't have any real self-esteem. I get angry because perhaps if I had, then she wouldn't have left... What I'm learning is that you have to accept and forgive any problems there might have been on either side. Work out whether you need to forgive yourself and then take some 'me' time - do things for you. There will be hard days and there will be a lot of people saying "time heals all wounds" (which isn't something you'll want to hear even if it is true - well at least I didn't!). A great way of getting rid of anger is doing something physical - go jogging, ride a bike or even just get some pillows and thump them until you are too exhausted too (I tried this and if anyone had been there to witness a 6ft 2 bloke thumping pillows while weeping I'm sure they would have laughed ). If things still feel really bad all the time then a therapist can help - I've been going for 4 weeks now and if you get someone good you will notice a lot of changes. Erm, sorry to ramble so much! I hope I helped a little!
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks Buck You speak all truth, but as you said it's easier said than done. I'm reading the book "the secret" at the moment and i'm trying hard to practice it.. it's so difficult though. I realise that I am the only person who can make me happy, I have been relying on my ex to make me happy and now that he is gone i am unhappy.. Just a habit i have to get myself out of but its oh so hard totally with you nemo!! i can completely sympathize with you. it sucks BAD!!!! you know what though...I wouldn't change a thing. i am a much better person now than I used to be and for that I'm eternally grateful. Even if things don't work out with me and my wife I will always owe here a debt of gratitude for this.
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Buck, You are completely right! Despite all the difficulties, crying and pain sometimes I can take a time out and realise that this has offered me an opportunity to really focus on myself. It's not about finding someone else to fill that space but realising that I am responsible for my happiness (as you said) and to take charge of it. It really is hard Nemo, you can always message me if you want someone to rant at!
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Well Nemo, One of the hardest things for me has been to forgive my ex for everything that is happening. Three weeks after our break-up she was already on a dating site (after telling me she wanted to be alone). She is also likely to be dating someone new very soon (she told me that she would pursue a new relationship, knowing that I want to be with her). Still, at the end of the day this has made me realise how much I do love her and that (unfortunately) that means wanting her to be happy above and beyond any of my 'wants'. I'm not always able to stick to it and there are days when I'm wanting to scream out that she's ready to move on so soon! The second big realisation from the break-up (and from talking to people here and friends) has been that this is the time to work on myself. I know I don't need a relationship now (in fact I'm certainly not ready) and although I want to be with her if she rang up tomorrow and said let's get back together, I would ask her to give me some time (if she really meant it she would wait) to finish the process I've started. As for what I do? Well, I sort of feel like you do - although my work days are a bit different. Days when I'm not working are the hardest to get through. I've tried a number of things: I go running 3 times a week, I am heading back to martial arts classes next week (after an 8 year gap), I'm looking at going to yoga classes. The 'trick', if you can call it that, is to occupy yourself in any way you can. If you can occupy yourself with something that is making positive changes then that's even better. One thing I've been doing which has helped a lot has been to just head out on my own to a cafe (for a while I was doing this every evening). I would find a nice quiet spot, get a nice hot cup of tea and write in a journal. I'd write whatever came to mind (quite often just observing what was going on around me). It occupies you and you never know where your mind might take you with it... With the anger, well it can be hard to know where to direct this. Without sounding too much like an amateur psychologist and trying to go on my experience this will be a mix of things. You are obviously angry at him but there might be anger directed at yourself. I certainly have this. I didn't lie or cheat but I was insecure in our relationship and didn't have any real self-esteem. I get angry because perhaps if I had, then she wouldn't have left... What I'm learning is that you have to accept and forgive any problems there might have been on either side. Work out whether you need to forgive yourself and then take some 'me' time - do things for you. There will be hard days and there will be a lot of people saying "time heals all wounds" (which isn't something you'll want to hear even if it is true - well at least I didn't!). A great way of getting rid of anger is doing something physical - go jogging, ride a bike or even just get some pillows and thump them until you are too exhausted too (I tried this and if anyone had been there to witness a 6ft 2 bloke thumping pillows while weeping I'm sure they would have laughed ). If things still feel really bad all the time then a therapist can help - I've been going for 4 weeks now and if you get someone good you will notice a lot of changes. Erm, sorry to ramble so much! I hope I helped a little! dude. you already have such a head start on things. introspection is so critical and sounds like you got things figured out. now don't give up...you're so close you don't even know it. explore yourself and i think you'll like what you find. GAWD!!! i'm starting to sound like Freud
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 finding something to occupy your time is a big plus too! for me it has been World of Warcrack! lol not sure it's the wisest choice but hey! it's fun
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Why thank you kindly Dawg! Warcrack *lol*! Well, it certainly eats up time Maybe buy a exercise bike to ride whilst you play
Sanslatete Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I know the feeling of what you guys have been discussing....too well. When my ex broke up with me (to go off with some prick) she assured me that she wouldn't drift out of my life, I had been a very important part of her history for 6 1/2 years and she wanted to keep me in her life. Three months down the line I've had a '**** off' e-mail, very polite but I got the message and now she's put a block on her phone so I can't text her. I feel like I've been kicked into touch and forgotten which hurts so much. We were inseperable for the majority of our time together and it's so sad to have gotten to this stage. I'm still a mess and hope it gets better someday soon.
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