MissMia Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I am the OW and desperately hurt at the moment and needed to talk. been having a relationship with my MM for a year now. It started because we were both unfulfilled in our relationships, which were lacking in passion... We found it with each other. We have amazing sexual chemistry and passion, and we met fairly regularly til about 2 months ago. We had a talk where he told me he loved his wife and his young son etc and basically I guess told me we could only ever have fun together and nothing else. He wasn't breaking it off with me just making it clear I suppose. this in itself didnt bother me too much at the time as I don't actually want him to leave his wife for me. However, I do feel very deeply for him. I believe he has feelings for me too, we have never ever discussed it really or got to any 'i love yous' in fact he has said in the past he didnt love me and i said the same back! He says its because he can't cope 'with the confusing feelings' and we 'cannever get too close' etc Anyway we havent seen eachother for 2 months altho we have talked on messages. These have become fewer and far between. I cant stop thinking of him and started feeling really down that he wasnt contacting me anymore very much and not arranging to see me. Anyway today he has said that the reason he isnt mailing much now is that his wife and him have been getting on much better, and altho "a long way from being passionate" it makes him "feel like even more of a b*stard now for mailing me". He then said this "was irrelevant anyway and we shldnt talk about this again" and he misses me and wants to see me soon... I am so confused and hurt now, I really feel so bad and angry that he makes out that all of a sudden coz things are getting less argumentative at home I have to suffer by him taking away our fun and passionate times , please can someone offer their thoughts?? I really am so depressed and upset, xx Mia xx
lost4ever Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I have no advice, but I will tell you my MM did the same thing to me once, almost said the same thing word for word...except the things getting better at home. He was seriously falling for me, I could tell and I wasn;t there yet, finally I started to love him and a month later he said he needed a break and we were getting to close, he couldn't handle feeling this way and that it was just suppose to be fun, he called me two weeks later saying he missed me and had to see me, but the relationship was never the same again (on his end)
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I really am so depressed and upset, xx Mia xx And it will never get better as long as you continue to be this guy's OW. Don't want to feel depressed or upset any more? End it, and do your SO a favor and end it with him too. It will not be easy. You will hurt a lot. But, you will heal. Slowly, but surely you will get your head and heart together and you will become a stronger person from the inside out. When you are feeling better about yourself, you will be in a better place to find someone that not only fulfills you, but fulfills you and ONLY you, and doesn't run home to his wife when he's done with you.
Fancee Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 He is telling you straight and that is why its hurts you so much. I know you love him and he has taken your power/energy. Take it back, how? Flip the script! Tell him the next time you and him talk if he calls you are writes you. "You have been talking to a single guy and you want to see if you will like him, and tell him you are just not that into him now. Your interest has shifted." Even tho you don't mean it an wait on him to contact you. Flip the script. I recently told a girl who crying and crying to me. How to flip the script and take back your power. She been smiling every since. He started chasing her. I am serious just try it- what do you have to loose? If you want him back you can't let him see you cry and know you are hurting. In the meantime, he will feel the pain of loosing you. But start to wing from him.God got something better for you. I know what hurt and lost of a love one is like.
imstunned Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hi Miss Mia, I'm afraid I dont have any words of advice right now as I am firmly stuck in my own cloud of very very heavy fog and cant see clearly at all, but I just wanted to say that I empathise and can certainly feel your pain.
PoshPrincess Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hi Miss Mia, I'm afraid I dont have any words of advice right now as I am firmly stuck in my own cloud of very very heavy fog and cant see clearly at all, but I just wanted to say that I empathise and can certainly feel your pain. MissMia, I feel for you, have been there and know how terribly difficult it is! The only thing I can tell you is that you have to be grateful he has been straight with you. He's done you a favour there. The longer your A with him went on the harder it would have become for you and it was pretty likely anyway that it would have ended some day so better now rather than later (although I appreciate that it doesn't feel like that at the moment). My exmm stayed with his W but still claims to be very unhappy in his marriage. That has always made it harder for me to deal with somehow. I would have much rather he told me that he had made a mistake with me and that he loved his w. It would have made it easier to move on because I would have HAD to. Because he told me that things with his w would NEVER be the same I always had that hope that he would decide to leave one day. I felt in limbo for a long time because of that. I would say cut all contact with this man for your own sanity. It will be hard but at least then you will walk away with your pride in tact (one thing I wish I could say about myself!)
frannie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I would agree with PP that he has at least been honest with you about his feelings for his W. I would take his word that he doesn't want to get emotionally involved with you... don't indulge those ideas that he 'really does' love you, because it doesn't matter whether or not he feels a thing for you. He's stated his intention, and been up front with you as much as possible. I know it hurts like hell but it really is in your best interests to move away from the situation. Because even if he did suddenly turn around and see you again without guilt, all you have to look forward to is years of pretending to yourself that you can do this with no love on his side... trying to accept much, much less than you need and desire for a partner. Aren't you worth more than that..? Hope you start to feel better soon.
Lizzie60 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 This MM has been honest with you right from the start.. He wants to have fun... no commitment... like a lot of MMs out there. You fell in love with him... he never promised you anything. If I were you, I would stop contacting him or tell him I want nothing to do with him anymore... You got to be independant (I know it's easier said than done) but at this point, I don't think you've got much choice... Move on... forget about him.. plenty of fish in the ocean...
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm sorry but I really have a problem when I hear women saying "at least he was honest with you" My God....how little do we settle for? I mean really....we ACTUALLY give these guys credit for being honest with us that they're just using us. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? This is all based on HIM. Things go good with they wife.....he ignores you. Then he starts to think of all that fun and great sex he had and he wants you again. It's like a child. One minute the child wants one toy. Then he gets bored with it and wants a different toy. He's not concerned about the toys feelings. He's just concerned about what pleases him AT THE MOMENT. Notice how he brushed you off because HE felt bad. Did he care about how YOU felt? No. He only cared about how HE felt. None of this has to do with love or who they love more. This has to do with meeting their needs AT THE MOMENT because that's as deep as they go.
frannie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm sorry but I really have a problem when I hear women saying "at least he was honest with you" My God....how little do we settle for? I mean really....we ACTUALLY give these guys credit for being honest with us that they're just using us. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? If the MM is being honest, then you get to choose how much you want from them too. Whether you 'settle' or not is then entirely in your court and on your head. If the MM is talking love and marriage and leaving his W, the situation is far harder. That is why people are saying 'at least' he's telling you how it is. 'at least'... not 'wow hold on to this one he's a keeper'. I don't believe anyone responded in the way you suggest. The problem here is that MissMia is doing what a lot of women do... which is to listen to his words and say, hmm he says that, but he really doesn't feel that way... he loves me really. And that leads to the thought that eventually things will change... and so on. I said it above, and I'll say it again. Listen to what he's saying to you because that is his truth, and what he wants. Then you make your choice about what you want. No need to settle.
overandout Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm sorry but I really have a problem when I hear women saying "at least he was honest with you" My God....how little do we settle for? I mean really....we ACTUALLY give these guys credit for being honest with us that they're just using us. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? This is all based on HIM. Things go good with they wife.....he ignores you. Then he starts to think of all that fun and great sex he had and he wants you again. It's like a child. One minute the child wants one toy. Then he gets bored with it and wants a different toy. He's not concerned about the toys feelings. He's just concerned about what pleases him AT THE MOMENT. Notice how he brushed you off because HE felt bad. Did he care about how YOU felt? No. He only cared about how HE felt. None of this has to do with love or who they love more. This has to do with meeting their needs AT THE MOMENT because that's as deep as they go. I must agree with this-spot on imo. The word "using" is a difficult and unpalatable one for OW to accept, but at the end of the day they are using us to fulfil their own purposes. without any real intention of being with us in a committed relationship. The mm who stays married does so because he wants to be married and if he has to give up the OW (suspicious wife) he will do so. If the OW gives him the green light to continue, and the wife doesn't suspect or just doesn't care, then in his mind he thinks, why not?
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I am so confused and hurt now, I really feel so bad and angry that he makes out that all of a sudden coz things are getting less argumentative at home I have to suffer by him taking away our fun and passionate times , please can someone offer their thoughts?? I really am so depressed and upset, xx Mia xx It seems from your post that there is suffering no matter how you look at it...He simply wants to fill his needs and not yours...If you're ok with that, that's one thing...But I can tell you are not...I think for your own happiness (eventually) you should not contact him and let it go...If he truly wanted to be with you, NOTHING would stop him... I'm sorry for your hurt... (((HUGS)))
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 The MM/OW relationships are all very simple if you just keep one thing in mind: You're there to meet THEIR needs. Nothing more. You can wrap it up anyway you want to, but the bottom line is meeting their needs. You're nothing more. And until you realize this, you'll continue to be stuck in this intricate maze that contains no cheese.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 The MM/OW relationships are all very simple if you just keep one thing in mind: You're there to meet THEIR needs. Nothing more. You can wrap it up anyway you want to, but the bottom line is meeting their needs. You're nothing more. And until you realize this, you'll continue to be stuck in this intricate maze that contains no cheese. I totally disagree with this statement... It seems like that in this particular instance, but that's not the case for every R...
KATANYA Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 The MM/OW relationships are all very simple if you just keep one thing in mind: You're there to meet THEIR needs. Nothing more. You can wrap it up anyway you want to, but the bottom line is meeting their needs. You're nothing more. And until you realize this, you'll continue to be stuck in this intricate maze that contains no cheese. That statement is just a little to "all encompassing".......you are not only there to meet their needs, obviously there are needs on both sides being met or you wouldn't be in the position to begin with! If you knew from the beginning that he would not be able to offer more than the MM/OW status then you have got to put this relationship into perspective and accept that this is his choice! It does not have to be yours. I say leave him be....don't contact him, don't look for him, and don't waste any more time wondering why he doesn't call anymore - there are just too many variables for you to figure out that you will drive yourself insane. Get your head around the fact that he is married and plans to stay married - decide what you will do when he does contact you again (and I think he will, in time) - Do you want to be the OW and if so, do you want to be his OW.....once you get your independence back to control the parts of this relationship that you can control and let go of the rest, things will be much easier to figure out! Although it may hurt right now this is a huge favor to you......he is not husband material (or for that matter boyfriend material) so either you want him as a MM or you don't...just know the limits of this relationship and accept them - then get out there and live your life!
ladybug63 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 OW allow ourselves to be manipulated and deceived by MM to some of them it's a game or fun as some MM would say but in all truth we women get emotionally involved forgetting that these men have w's at home. When they want to say it's over that is the hardest part to deal with because we have shared ourselves with these men. I can't say some mm don't love their ow but some are just in A's for fun. I am currently going through the point of nc. Yes and I would tell anyone speaking the truth it is the hardest thing to do I have been ow for four years therfore you can only begin to imagine how I feel. But I had to come to realize it's not about him, it's about me. I am working on myself so I can be healthy for a sg that come my way. I am letting go of this old residue so I can be ready for my next relationship which WILL NOT be with a mm.Find something to do with your time. As long as he know you are there and waiting he don't have a challenge. He'll just pick up where he left off and leave again knowing you will be there waiting. Don't allow him to put you on the back burner you're better than that. Good luck to you.
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I totally disagree with this statement... It seems like that in this particular instance, but that's not the case for every R... That statement is just a little to "all encompassing".......you are not only there to meet their needs, obviously there are needs on both sides being met or you wouldn't be in the position to begin with! You won't realize the truth of what I said until you come out on the other side. I fully and completely know that my statement won't have the slightest bit of impact on you before that.
OWoman Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You won't realize the truth of what I said until you come out on the other side. I fully and completely know that my statement won't have the slightest bit of impact on you before that. I've had several Rs with MM and having "come out on the other side" (whatever that means) I disagree with you completely. All Rs are different. To judge every single on on the basis of your own experience is both short-sighted and unhelpful. If you can't respond to the OW in terms of her own particular situation, what use can the response be? In this particular case MM has put his cards on the table and the OW has to decide if what he's offering is enough, given how much she's giving. Given how upset MissMia is, I'd guess that the exchange is not fair and she's feeling short-changed. The choice is, as Frannie put it earlier, to settle for what he's offering, or to move on. Reading universal laws out of any person's situation is not fair, or useful.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You won't realize the truth of what I said until you come out on the other side. I fully and completely know that my statement won't have the slightest bit of impact on you before that. You "see" your truth and I see mine... It's too bad for someone with a unique user name, has such a generic viewpoint...
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I agree with UniqueOne's assessment - I too have come through the 'other' side and can look at things without the rose-colored glasses. While this guy might get a point or two for not lying to his OW with regard to the 'soulmate' crap or the 'you're the love of my life and I promise to leave my wife for you' crap, that's about as magnanimous as I'm willing to be. This whole friends with benefits thing was never anything MORE than a booty call. It would seem Miss Mia has desperately tried to make it more than it ever was - for HIM. When a married man tells you something you DON'T WANT TO HEAR, believe him. Stop trying to find hidden meaning that doesn't exist.
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I've had several Rs with MM and having "come out on the other side" (whatever that means) I disagree with you completely. All Rs are different. To judge every single on on the basis of your own experience is both short-sighted and unhelpful. If you can't respond to the OW in terms of her own particular situation, what use can the response be? In this particular case MM has put his cards on the table and the OW has to decide if what he's offering is enough, given how much she's giving. Given how upset MissMia is, I'd guess that the exchange is not fair and she's feeling short-changed. The choice is, as Frannie put it earlier, to settle for what he's offering, or to move on. Reading universal laws out of any person's situation is not fair, or useful. You haven't 'come out on the other side' if you've had 'several R's with MM'. "Coming out on the other side" (which I thought was clear) means you've experienced it and witnessed the outcome, then awakened and gotten your head out of the clouds as to what these relationships are about and never want to be involved in one again. Like I said, I could talk until I'm blue in the face and it won't matter here. I already know that.
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