BornToFly Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I need to ask a very important question that I have never asked before because I am too afraid to ask. It is very difficult for me to talk about this. I know it might sound strange, but please do not jump all over me for this. I am very sensitive about it as it is and it is very damaging to my self-esteem. When I was younger I developed a very rare form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. At the time, I did not know what it was. I was petrified. Thoughts and feelings would arise that were so humiliating to me. Some years later I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I learned that there are many forms. The common one is the constant handwashing or checking, which everyone hears about, or fear of germs. I have none of that. Mine is rarer and consists completely of very distressing thoughts and feelings that I cannot control. There are so many things that I want to do in my life, but this disorder really gets in my way. The worse one for me is having my feelings get out of control. It causes me to avoid people. For example, say I have to sit next to someone. I cannot stand it! I will start getting unwanted sexual feelings and thoughts about that person, and sometimes they are so strong that the other person can sense these things. And the worst is that with this disorder, it is like it wants to mess with you so it decides to be the worst when you are around someone who you should not be feeling these things towards. This causes intense pain and humiliation to me that is beyond explaining. It has made my life so difficult. I am afraid to have female friends because when it gets bad, they can sense it about me and it humiliates me. With severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, many people end up hiding from life completely. I do not want to do that. But I know what it is like to be afraid to do anything in life for fear you will end up completely humiliated. That is why I need to ask this question. In the past, when my feelings get out of control and I know another person has sensed it, I usually have avoided that person because I think they probably want to avoid me as well as they have no idea what the deal is! But I need to move on in life and function. Yet I fear this will hurt my future, as people who are above me will look down on me. For example, my other posts about my internship, I know this is why men see me the way they do, because these feelings come on so strong for people I would never in a million years be interested in, but they don't understand what is really going on. I am sitting there, saying over and over in my mind, "i am so sorry" to God for having these feelings and just saying over and over that I reject them and that I do not want them. Sometimes I wonder though, how do other people see this? I mean, I am really hard on myself and beat myself up over it terribly and feel awful when it happens and ashamed and figure the person never wants to see me again. People are still nice to me though, although I have had instances where people have moved away from me. I have been trying to tell myself that it is not the end of the world, that they probably think it is a bit odd but that maybe they are not as hard on me as I am on me, because in my head I think they probably want to get away from me forever. How can I handle this and still move on in life? There are so many things I want to do! I know I am an incredible employee and very smart and can do so many great things if I could just get a grip on this, but it will always be there. Should I just not worry about what other people think? Are they thinking, "that was wierd" but not being as hard on me as I am? I always imagine they are thinking, what a total freak! And then wish they had never met me. Should I be as ashamed of myself as I am, thinking they are probably going around telling everyone about the weird person they met? I feel so emberassed after it happens. I just do not know how this is seen from other peoples viewpoint as I have never been the one sitting there going, what is that? I am always the one sitting there going, "please, I wish I could tell you that this is something I cannot control! It is not me." It causes major anxiety and depression in my life. It is so strange to go through life wondering just how much this disturbs the people around me, if it disturbs them as much as me and how much I should beat myself up over this.
beautifulearth83 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hello BornToFly, First off, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Second, it really takes courage to talk about this with others and it's obvious that you want to get better. They are just thoughts. That is all they are. Those intrusive thoughts don't judge how good of a person you are. OCD takes a situation and/or a thought, and replies to it with infinite possibilities. It looks for anything in your mind to associate with the subject, then add being fearful and anxious, and that fear and anxiety helps create the obsessive thoughts that don't appear as good thoughts. I think this is pretty accurate. If you learn to be less afraid of the thoughts and face the anxiety that they give you, you'll be able to face them as they lose power and you become less afraid of yourself. Let the thoughts be, and then let them go. So as of now I guess my best advice is to learn to be more aware of whats really going on and how OCD works. It'll help you improve and it will also help you understand that you don't need to look down on yourself about it. You're a good guy! Good Luck, BE
mental_traveller Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 It sounds like a difficult situation to be in. All I would say is try to explain things to the people who need to know. A lot of people are understanding and if you are upfront then they will be cool with it. However, you have to be prepared for misunderstanding, and those who won't be sympathetic. Still, I recommend being open - people either accept you as you are, or not at all. You won't be able to hide something like this permanently anyway, so better to tell people straight away.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 As far as I know, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is treatable by counseling and medication. It may even be covered under medical insurance. Please consult a professional for help and guidance in this matter. It should definitely help you. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Author BornToFly Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Hi. Thank you all for the reply :-) I appreciate it. I have thought about coming out with it and just being really open with it because I know my behavior can really confuse others. But there are so many things in my life I want to do, and I am afraid if I am open about something like that it could really set me back. Keep me from being able to obtain the type of positions that I want, etc. I had counseling/medication years ago, which did nothing. I went off the medication. Life is so hard. I wish I could be one of those people who could stand up and speak out for this disorder, but it seems you have to have already achieved something noteworthy in life to do something like that. I am afraid if I don't be honest and open about it, people will not understand and they will just be wearded out, but if I am honest and open they might understand but then label me the crazy person. I suppose I will get labeled the crazy person either way. Thanks again for the advice!
WaterTiger Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I had counseling/medication years ago, which did nothing. I went off the medication. TRY AGAIN! They have new medications that might be able to help you! You sound like an intelligent, warm hearted person and we need more of them in society. Don't hide yourself away. Go back and get some help. Stay on the therapy and meds. Sometimes they take a while to work. I wish you the very best of luck.
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