PWSX3 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Thanks for the update my friend. And to think the cold weather is just around the corner so you will have to spend more time together inside just enjoying each others company....:love: From someone that got back together with his W just a little FYI. I know everything is cool & exciting now & as time goes it is very easy to fall back into those old habits so just as our good friend Gunny told me, keep telling yourself everyday; you will not be that old person EVER AGAIN!!!! The old chapter is closed & the start of a new beginning has started!!!! P.S. You always knew her family loved & missed you..:D
Gunny376 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 To Perry and "Ilmw" You know what you've got? You've "transcended" over and above your martial vows! You've gained something that is truely rare! PRECIOUS! TRUE FRIENDSHIP WITH YOUR WIVES! The two of you love your wives ~ NOT because they're women ~ BUT because of WHO they are as individuals! Your growth this last year and a half ~ simply AMAZING!
Author ilmw Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Hello again. Geeez I have been busy lately... lol Hard to get on the puter... First off... Thanks PW, and Gunny Things ... are going great... We made some 'rules' (boundaries).. when we first decided to start seeing each other again... and save our marriage. Since then.... any several occasions... those boundaries... 'rules' have kicked in... for both of us... and has really helped... save on confusion.. and second guessing. We both know where we stand on certain things... and it is nice to be clear. Nothing major... but 'NOW' I know... lots of little things... builds up to be a really big thing! As for team work.... we are always consulting with each other... not asking permission... but.. "what do you think"... Teamwork... awesome. Saves on the boys trying to pull the wool over our eyes... They have tried a few times... mom said I could... "Oh really... lets just give her a call and find out"... etc.. I think if we all knew about "boundaries"... in a marriage... it would have saved a lot of us... one hell a lot of pain... and confusion. In the past year and a half.... I have changed. Definitely for the better. The trade off was a lot of pain, and sadness. But.... the changes I know are in me... and what I have seen of DW. Things are looking better than they ever did before. There is definition... and that can be seen at this early stage of our reconciliation. There is purpose... and a common goal. She is reading some of my relationship books... She is almost done Divorce Busting.... and thanked me for allowing her to read it... as it has opened up her eyes... to some things... Her attitude is fantastic.... and she seems adamant she wants me as her husband again. I'd call that a positive sign. The one common denominator ... is this. All who, I have spoken too who know us both have said this... This is the first time they have truly seen her happy in a year and a half..... The sparkle is back in her eyes... and her voice has happy again... I noticed this too Anyhoo... I'm Blah Blah Blahing... Folks.... I have no magic remedy... There were no tricks... I did not WIN back my spouse. All I did was forgive me....and her...improve me (loys of hard work... reading and believing what I had just read. Talking the talk... and walking the walk I let her go.... and guess what... I set her free... and she came back.... Messed up eh?? Ok.. I'm really going now... gotta get a nap in.. working tonight.. Byeee:) ilmw!
Missy27 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Fair Shout treacle ~ It just goes to show that ole' sayin "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" ~ is pretty much fool proof ~ in your case its a sure thing. The thing I find fascinating about all of this ~ your story in particluar ~ is that ~ basically ~ your separating from the missus and going through all the pain and hurt and anger and confusion etc etc ~ was actually something that you NEEDED to do ~ something that NEEDED to happen in order for you to take a step back and go "whoa ~ I gotta look at the bigger picture here ~ I need to work out what I am ~ what I'M about and where I need to change things" ~ kinda "kick started" you to a point ~ and when you look back on it in 10 years time ~ you'll probably think "wow ~ that really was the turning point for me ~ I've made it ~ I've done it ~ and not too damn late either ~ Its true what Gunny says ~ the day to day and drudgery of life takes its toll on you as a couple ~ no-one's immune to that ~ and unfortunately ~ sometimes ~ there IS too much water under that bridge to be able to pull it back ~ I think you and the wiff have realised that you're better off WITH eachother than WITHOUT eachother ~ your each part of a two piece puzzle that NEEDS to be fitted together ~ you both know that your happier as a 2 piece than as a 1 piece and all you've done is gone away ~ got both your heads and a$$e$ screwed back on and gained the knowledge and the tools to enable you repair and retain this thing ~ well done sunshine ~
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Things ... are going great... We made some 'rules' (boundaries).. when we first decided to start seeing each other again... and save our marriage. Since then.... any several occasions... those boundaries... 'rules' have kicked in... for both of us... and has really helped... save on confusion.. and second guessing. We both know where we stand on certain things... and it is nice to be clear. Just caught this thread and I have to say it gave me a smile. Glad to hear you guys are going to give it a shot and are going to do it right. I must ask though out of curiosity, what kinda of boundries did you set? yours and your wifes?
Stampy Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Very exciting to hear. Sounds like you are doing well. I can only imagine what this was all like for you (I'm 11 months out) and good for you for retaining control and not jumping right back into things, but instead taking it slow. I was interested to see someone post that lots of split couples are getting back together. I heard Dr. Phil comment that the success ration is in the single digits percentage-wise. But, as Gunny says, those stats mean nothing to you.
sumdude Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Very exciting to hear. Sounds like you are doing well. I can only imagine what this was all like for you (I'm 11 months out) and good for you for retaining control and not jumping right back into things, but instead taking it slow. I was interested to see someone post that lots of split couples are getting back together. I heard Dr. Phil comment that the success ration is in the single digits percentage-wise. But, as Gunny says, those stats mean nothing to you. It's pretty amazing to hear about ... must admit the slightest twinge of envy.. but that's OK. I'm happy for the two of them and hope for the best. I think it has so much to do with the way they both handled the separation .. no scorched earth policies. No real lashing out, just a difficult acceptance of the situation and soul searching with real change from the inside out. The forgiveness can be so hard to find when you're hurting and angry (sides of the same coin). I know I struggle with that .. but have done my best to keep it in it's place. Most of the time anger comes from fear somewhere. Good luck ilmw ... you deserve it... eyes open all the way.
CryingCanuck Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Eyes teared up, I'm so damn happy for you my friend, you have no idea how I hoped you and DW would at least try to work this out. I know in mt heart you never gave up, you never truly let it go you fought the honorable fight, you proved yourself an honorouble person and man with pride, conviction and a man who didn;t simply bail but hung in and showed your true strenght. Under similar circumstances my friend, I would have not done what you did, but for obviously different reasons, you sir have character and I am so honoured to have known you ( yeah it's cyberland ) but you sir are a hero story. OK enough mushy stuff, you are doing everything so RIGHT CC Gawd I'm glad I sound this thread , I never would have found it had I not clicked on your handle to see if you have written recently, GEE gonna have to send you a private Message ( I ) :-) CC
Woggle Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I am very happy for you and glad that she realized you aren't the bad guy. Things like this don't usually happen but sometimes there are exceptions and this seems like an exception.
notspiritual Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 It is indeed a very rare exception when a woman is able to see she was stupid. It takes two things for her to see the light, and intelligence is not part of it: 1. She discovered her new boyfriend is not a very good deal. 2. She believes her husband is better off without her and hates the idea of another girl being smarter than her, by hooking up with her husband. The reason why they are reconciled is because Ilmw is exceptional, not his wife. His wife is just the typical woman abandoning her husband for greener pastures. I am glad the reconciliation looks positive but I would remain suspicious. It annoys me that it looks like “ilmw had to improve to deserve his wife” while in fact “she should feel lucky to have ilmw”. Ilmw you need to set the right frame in her mind or she might leave again.
Author ilmw Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 It is indeed a very rare exception when a woman is able to see she was stupid. It takes two things for her to see the light, and intelligence is not part of it: 1. She discovered her new boyfriend is not a very good deal. 2. She believes her husband is better off without her and hates the idea of another girl being smarter than her, by hooking up with her husband. The reason why they are reconciled is because Ilmw is exceptional, not his wife. His wife is just the typical woman abandoning her husband for greener pastures. I am glad the reconciliation looks positive but I would remain suspicious. It annoys me that it looks like “ilmw had to improve to deserve his wife” while in fact “she should feel lucky to have ilmw”. Ilmw you need to set the right frame in her mind or she might leave again. Hey Ns... I actually laughed when I read your post I know where you are coming from... I have felt true bitterness in my past... well my previous LTR before DW.... It took me about 2.5 years to stop hating woman... My DW, did in face go to counselling... and has changed in some ways. We are communicating better now than we ever did before... There always seems to be a pause in are conversations.. where she waits to see if I understood her... unlike before... when we would both in fact just expect the other to (understand) Yeah... to you two points... could be both... who knows... But I have known her a long time... and we were friends before we ever got together in the first place... So.. I know she is genuine. As for her leaving again... well there reasons she left, I am aware off... and I am conscious now.. of what I did. I am also actually self aware of what I do... in that... I think before I do... and not just with her... in everything. No more flying by the seat of my pants... I actually have a clear direction... in what (I) am doing. We continue to surprise each other with are individual growth... and it is and will be a fantastic journey. (I know that sounds like a bunch of fluff) but... it is actually quite realistic. NS... take care.
Author ilmw Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I am very happy for you and glad that she realized you aren't the bad guy. Things like this don't usually happen but sometimes there are exceptions and this seems like an exception. Thanks woggle... coming from you... that is a positive thing... thanks for the good vibes...
Author ilmw Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 Eyes teared up, I'm so damn happy for you my friend, you have no idea how I hoped you and DW would at least try to work this out. I know in mt heart you never gave up, you never truly let it go you fought the honorable fight, you proved yourself an honorouble person and man with pride, conviction and a man who didn;t simply bail but hung in and showed your true strenght. Under similar circumstances my friend, I would have not done what you did, but for obviously different reasons, you sir have character and I am so honoured to have known you ( yeah it's cyberland ) but you sir are a hero story. OK enough mushy stuff, you are doing everything so RIGHT CC Gawd I'm glad I sound this thread , I never would have found it had I not clicked on your handle to see if you have written recently, GEE gonna have to send you a private Message ( I ) :-) CC Hey CC!! Wow great to hear from you man. Glad to hear you are doing well too. Yeah... this is pretty amazing stuff.... It kinda floored me at first... but I jumped back up quick... looked around to make sure I was not day dreaming... and then took a deep breath.. and thought about what had/is happining. Not jumping in... with both feet... not rushing anything.... just enjoying the moment... with concentrating on building something (a new, stronger foundation) It looks real good my friend. Oh... and thanks for the praise.... and coming from you... it is praise. Keep in touch bud, ilmw
dgiirl Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 As for her leaving again... well there reasons she left, I am aware off... and I am conscious now.. of what I did. This is the defining moment on whether reconciliation is possible. If you are able to understand WHY she left, acknowledge there were reasons, and know how to prevent it from happening again in the future, you can forgive and move on. A lot of people just get caught up in their own bitterness and pain, they are not able to acknowledge that sometimes the other person has reasons and makes mistakes. I'm proud of you ILMW. You are able to forgive her, understand her side, and yet NOT be taken advantage of. It takes a very strong person of character to do all of that.
Gunny376 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 This is the defining moment on whether reconciliation is possible. If you are able to understand WHY she left, acknowledge there were reasons, and know how to prevent it from happening again in the future, you can forgive and move on. A lot of people just get caught up in their own bitterness and pain, they are not able to acknowledge that sometimes the other person has reasons and makes mistakes. I'm proud of you ILMW. You are able to forgive her, understand her side, and yet NOT be taken advantage of. It takes a very strong person of character to do all of that. Why did my allergies act up when I read this?
Gunny376 Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I'm not a pyshologist, a shrink, etc................ Being military is a lot akin to being law enforcement. PTSD, Hyper-allertiveness, etc. The reason women out-live men? Stress! Women handle stress better than men. They're "hard-wired" to deal with 10 things at one time ~ men aren't. Men are hard-wired to handle one thing at a time. Great book! "Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women ALWAYS Need More Shoes"by Barbara and Alan Pease
sumdude Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 This is the defining moment on whether reconciliation is possible. If you are able to understand WHY she left, acknowledge there were reasons, and know how to prevent it from happening again in the future, you can forgive and move on. A lot of people just get caught up in their own bitterness and pain, they are not able to acknowledge that sometimes the other person has reasons and makes mistakes. I'm proud of you ILMW. You are able to forgive her, understand her side, and yet NOT be taken advantage of. It takes a very strong person of character to do all of that. So true.. I'm suddenly finding myself at this point with my ex... no reconciliation but at least we're trying to find that peace within ourselves and with each other to move on. She's finally admitted that she was half responsible... and I've tried to walk a mile in her shoes too. Hurts less every day.. Keep it up ilmw... I think you and your W have some xtra special little reasons to make this work .. probably the difference.
CryingCanuck Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 Wasn't allegies you have the sniffles buddy ! ! ! Hey Guns glad to see some movement on your side too... Gee what is this us guys are being treate Royally by our STBX, ourt EX's and Fingers crossed, arms crossed toes crossed and ****.. my legs crossed hoping the VERY best for ILMW that there is NO EX in this equation. :-) Hey "T" So glad to see things are going well for you too. We should maybe make a new thread Survivors of the 2004-2006 Disasters in Marriage :-)
dgiirl Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Hey "T" So glad to see things are going well for you too. We should maybe make a new thread Survivors of the 2004-2006 Disasters in Marriage :-) CC, I love that idea!! All of us have survived and moved on, with or without our ex's
Gunny376 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Wasn't allegies you have the sniffles buddy ! ! ! Hey Guns glad to see some movement on your side too... Gee what is this us guys are being treate Royally by our STBX, ourt EX's and Fingers crossed, arms crossed toes crossed and ****.. my legs crossed hoping the VERY best for ILMW that there is NO EX in this equation. :-) LOL! My boss called me in on the carpet, closed door and all. I'm like WTF? He's retired military ~ so he and I can relate to one another. He told me ~ "I understand! Once a Marine ~ always a Marine ~ but you're not dealing with Marines anymore ~ you've got the whole plant scared of you? To include the foremen? He told me I needed to chill the **** out! Take off the stress pack. I did! You and ilmw know the deal? You're up in tha' "s**t for so long ~ every day ~ day in and day out? It becomes your Life! You lose sight of what you're working for to begin with? Your vision of life and of people becomes skewed? Trying to climb and conquer that mountain? You get to the otherside of it ~ and you're still fighting and clawing to get to the top? As we use to say in tha' Corps? "When your up to your azz in alligators, snakes, and Indians? You tend to forget that when you first started out? Your initial objective was to drain the swamp! I think ilmw and his wife ~ have re-discovered what "its" all about. One man loving one woman! One day at a time! Keeping it real! Taking Life one day at a time! LOL! Him and her done and went caught there azz a bus to Mexico! That's where I'm at now in my Life! Damn sure and certain I caught that Big Grey Dog ~ South of the Border. Low stress ~ no stress ~ and damned the "Jone's" and how they live! What ilmw and his wife have? Is what LJ and her DH fought and struggled for? Both of them went through their trials and tribulations? Their troubles! But they've come out the otherside of it! It was hard! It was tough! It was one Hell of a Mother-trucker! I'm here to tell you ~ but it was worth it. Both sets of them? Have "transcended" to a new and higher plain of the definition of "Love!" Both of them? Have become each other's best friend! ------------------------------------------------------------- BTW, CC! I seem to recall? You didn't like me very much a couple of years ago? I believe you called me a "red-neck" Hope things are going your way! Good to hear from ya again! Keep in touch and post more often! These folks need our collective wisdom!
Gunny376 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Keep in touch and post more often! These folks need our collective wisdom That applies to you to Missey! aka ~ dgiirl
Ladyjane14 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 What ilmw and his wife have? Is what LJ and her DH fought and struggled for? Both of them went through their trials and tribulations? Their troubles! But they've come out the otherside of it! It was hard! It was tough! It was one Hell of a Mother-trucker! I'm here to tell you ~ but it was worth it. Both sets of them? Have "transcended" to a new and higher plain of the definition of "Love!" One of the guy's in Infidelity posted this link a few days ago, so last night I finally made some time to read it. And this part of your post reminded me of a particular quote from Reason #24... "True love is forged in the fires of struggle and growth." http://www.affairrecovery.com/files/31Reasons.pdf I think that's true. It's not until after you've burned off all the crud, years of resentments, pettiness... that you're really able to see what you've got.
Girlsbestfriend1 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Hi Ilmw What a wonderful post. It brought tears of joy to my eyes like I'm sure it did to everyone else who read it. I didn't see your original thread on how you came to be separated. Can you give me a quick few lines on how it happened (I hope it doesn't stir up some bad memories)? Thanks GBF1
Gunny376 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Here's the link to ilmw's original thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/
notspiritual Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 ilmw knows the reasons she left and will make sure it will not happen again. It’s all about the wife’s needs! Ilmw has to please her so she won't leave again. If you want a lasting reconciliation, your wife must understand that it is you giving her a second chance not the other way around. We have learned to screen out poisonous woman before committing to marriage. We also need to make sure the woman we reconcile with is not anymore a poisonous woman. If you say she is genuine, she must be genuine. I am not a woman hater, I just want the good guys to be careful about the numerous poisonous women around.
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