littlegirl35 Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Hi All, I have an issue in my life, and I was hoping if I could get some opinions of what people here thought? I have been having a relationship with a MM for about 6 months now, we have been friends for over a year. All through our relationship he insisted that he was madly in love with me. I was also in love with him, but despite saying this he wouldnt tell his wife about us or leave her. About 3 weeks ago, his wife found out he was seeing me and he moved out to a friend's house. 3 weeks on he has decided to seperate from her, and is starting to find a place to live. We havent really spoken properly about divorce, I think both of us are finding it hard to confront things like that as it has all happened so quickly. 2 days ago, for various reasons I decided to break up with him. He replied by saying that he was trully in love with me, and his wife was not the woman for him, that he had fallen in love with me the first moment he saw me and wanted to be with me for the rest of the forseeable future. The reason that I broke up with him is because despite asking him questions, I have not had a decent response from him and so I am uncertain if this is really what I want, and I have huge trust issues with the whole relationship. Firstly, if he was so in love with me from the beginning, why wouldnt he tell his wife or leave his wife for me? Secondly, he has managed to leave his wife with such apparant ease, what makes me think that he wont do it again in years to come? I know that he has a previous history of cheating too. He has only been married 2 years. How can I trust him that in 2 years he wont do the same thing again? He has not seemed to have any remorse for the way he treated his wife, and this also concerns me. I feel trully awful about this. Despite all my worries about the future with him, he has poured out his heart to me and I cant help but feel that I am throwing away something special, and I feel like I might not ever find another person who who ever love me this much again. Do you think that he is trully in love with me, or is he just scared about his seperation, or looking for a way out of his marriage? If I believe that he is, and take a chance that he will always be faithful to me, am I going to regret it 3 years down the line? I dont want to waste my time with him, I am aware there are plenty of other less complicated relationships, but we have always just "clicked". Any thoughts on this situation would be so much appreciated. I am so confused!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 1. Firstly, if he was so in love with me from the beginning, why wouldnt he tell his wife or leave his wife for me? Secondly, he has managed to leave his wife with such apparant ease, what makes me think that he wont do it again in years to come? I know that he has a previous history of cheating too. He has only been married 2 years. How can I trust him that in 2 years he wont do the same thing again? He has not seemed to have any remorse for the way he treated his wife, and this also concerns me. 2. Do you think that he is trully in love with me, or is he just scared about his seperation, or looking for a way out of his marriage? If I believe that he is, and take a chance that he will always be faithful to me, am I going to regret it 3 years down the line? I dont want to waste my time with him, I am aware there are plenty of other less complicated relationships, but we have always just "clicked". 1. At least you know what you are getting into. Most OW don't have the luxury of being able to be objective about it like this. You know you have a snake, and you know what happens when you try to love and nurture a snake, now you just have to decide whether or not to pick it up knowing full well that it is probably going to bite you eventually. 2. I think he does love you. I think he is scared of separating. I think he is looking for a way out of his marriage. Just don't mistake these things for signs that he won't cheat on you down the road. Chronic cheaters only change when they change themselves, not when they change partners. Seriously, I wouldn't even THINK of getting back together with this guy until he finalizes the divorce, and he agrees to go to couples therapy with you, and sees an individual counselor to get the help he needs to make the internal adjustments needed to stop being a chronic cheater. First and foremost, he needs to acknowledge that he has a problem that will not be fixed by switching partners, not blame anyone else for his problem, acknowledge the problems that he has caused others, (and show true remorse) and be willing to work on fixing his problem. Until he can do that, you have no hope that he won't cheat on you too. He may fool himself for the short term that he has found 'true love' and that he won't cheat this time, but I'm sure he thought that at one point about all the other women he has cheated on too.
Ariadne Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Well, Do you think that he is trully in love with me, or is he just scared about his seperation, or looking for a way out of his marriage?...am I going to regret it 3 years down the line? I dont want to waste my time with him It seems to me that that is not really the issue. It's more of a case of, I want the guy, I got the guy, I don't want the guy anymore. If you loved him you'd be with him right now, and you wouldn't be worrying about regretting and wasting your time... You are just making excuses not to be with him. Ariadne
imstunned Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 " cant help but feel that I am throwing away something special, and I feel like I might not ever find another person who who ever love me this much again." He has left his wife, says he loves you and wants a future with you. You are worried about throwing away somehting special? Then dont. x
Author littlegirl35 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Ariadne, That is a bit of a harsh response, but I can see where your coming from. I just want to protect myself from getting hurt in the future, as I have had quite enough of games and messing about in my life and want no more. Although I do love him, I do have genuine trust issues with him and am not making "excuses"...
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Hi LG35, I can understand your trust issues about him leaving suddenly. However, I would try to concentrate on the fact that MM is leaving his marriage because his marriage doesn't work anymore - not because he has met someone else. You may well have been the catalyst, yet you're probably not the cause. If I may also add, MM may also have trust issues with you. In his eyes, it may appear that the person who has had an extramarital relationship with him has broken up with him as soon as he is making moves to separate. I would think most MM would expect that the person he has been having an affair with would be "there" for him during this difficult time especially if they had had an affair with him for so many months. I don't mean to be harsh in anyway, but you mention that you want to "protect yourself from being hurt" and being the OW in this situation will not protect you from hurt - quite the opposite. There are such things as "exit affairs" where MM use an OW to facillitate the end in their marriage. Whether he is doing this, I do not know. But I guess by breaking up with him, you'll never get the chance to find out? That's the problem with protecting ourselves from possible hurt - you never know whether he may have ever hurt you anyway. Why not talk to MM? Tell him honestly every one of your fears. Tell him he needs to take space from the situation so he knows exactly what he is doing and for what reason. And if you want him and want to build a life together, give him the support, space and guidance during this time.
quankanne Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 The reason that I broke up with him is because despite asking him questions, I have not had a decent response from him and so I am uncertain if this is really what I want, and I have huge trust issues with the whole relationship. I don't doubt that he cares deeply for you, but that's not the issue here. The issue is one of trust ... and it sounds like there isn't any between the two of you. to a certain degree, I can understand being leery and questioning what's going on when you're unsure of a relationship. But, you're saying you don't trust him because he's not been honest with you (i.e., the decent response remark) and that you've got serious second thoughts about the relationship – I think you pretty much know this is not for you, but you're letting doubts sway you. if you're even halfway serious about the guy, give him up until he can show you a divorce decree stating he's free and clear to pursue a relationship with you, then get yourselves into counselling so you can set certain issues to rest AND get the tools you need to build a healthy relationship. otherwise, and even if it makes you look like a heartless bxtch, I think it's time for you to exit the relationship because you cannot forge trust where there is none to be found.
Fancee Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I feel you have got a lot of good advice here. He did show genuine remorse in him and his wife breaking up. Because he didn't leave her. He stayed all while confessing his love and preface to you. She left him. He has told you for some reason him and his wife didn't click. He was going to move on if he hadn't met you. You have a problem because has shut down on you. I can understand this is very frustrating. His remorse is showing because he has shut down. But is doesn't mean he wants his wife but just sorry it head to start and end. You don't have run off - he is hurting right now and both of you sound confused and scared. Layoff the questions for awhile- he will talk when he feels good about what he wants.
Author littlegirl35 Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Thankyou for all, for giving your advice and support! It is very much appreciated! All your responses have definatly given me some food for thought and I am thinking about things in a different way now. I am still unsure what I am going to do, we will see!
sarme Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hello Littlegir35. I understand your hessitations I had many of the same reservations and was alarmed about the exact same things you expressed here. My guy didn't seem to show much remorse either, he was so caught in the moment it seemed that he was very nonchallant about the falling for me while still with his W. When he first moved out he was very cool and was not in the least feeling down or in shock or whatever it is that someone must feel once they leave a long time rel. I would ask him how could you be so cold and feel nothing at all, and actually be happy? His response was "the death of my marriage has been happening long before I ever met you, moving out is like a sigh of relief. I have been grieving my loss for years now, so now it feels natural to be out" Could be some of that happening to your guy, he knew it was dead long before and now it is just another next step. But let me tell you as months passes the reality sat in for my guy and he did go through a bit of a grieving period so maybe that's still to come for yours. I can understand your hessitations given that you know he has already cheated in the past, that would scare me too. not sure what to tell you on that other than perhaps if he really wants this to work with you he could go to therapy. My bf and I decided that the way we met was not going to ruin our lives together, that we would never let something like that happen to us since this is it, we found each other and neither one of us want to make the mistakes we made in our pasts. We want to give our rel now 100% so we strated going to couples councelling to deal with a lot of the insecurities raised around how we met. It has helped a lot, I recommend that. good luck! 1. At least you know what you are getting into. Most OW don't have the luxury of being able to be objective about it like this. You know you have a snake, and you know what happens when you try to love and nurture a snake, now you just have to decide whether or not to pick it up knowing full well that it is probably going to bite you eventually that's unfair to say LucreziaBorgia, I bet a lot of OW feel this way, they prob don't express here on this forum because of all the hawks lurking around waiting for a weak moment from an OW so that they can attack their prey. I also think it's unfair to call someone a snake, weren't you a serial cheater once who is a self-proclaimed reformed one now a days? Does that mean once a snake always a snake?
PoshPrincess Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Well, Do you think that he is trully in love with me, or is he just scared about his seperation, or looking for a way out of his marriage?...am I going to regret it 3 years down the line? I dont want to waste my time with him It seems to me that that is not really the issue. It's more of a case of, I want the guy, I got the guy, I don't want the guy anymore. If you loved him you'd be with him right now, and you wouldn't be worrying about regretting and wasting your time... You are just making excuses not to be with him. Ariadne V unfair comment Ariadne. I think LittleGirl is v wise in taking everything into consideration. She seems to be going into it all with her eyes open and wants to protect herself from getting hurt. I wish I had been like that! LittleGirl, from what you said, your MM doesn't sound like the most reliable of people in the 'staying faithful' way. However, it doesn't mean he can't change. The only thing that concerns me is that he sounds a little like myself. I don't think for one minute he doesn't mean what he says to you or that he doesn't love you, but it does sound like he can be easily bored and is constantly thinking the grass is greener. You need to weigh up all your options but if you really love him then you will take a chance on him. At least you know what you're letting yourself in for. I agree that you should temporarily end your relationship until he has sorted his life out. If he loves you as much as he says he does then he we will. After all, you will have the rest of your lives together!
PoshPrincess Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I agree that you should temporarily end your relationship until he has sorted his life out. If he loves you as much as he says he does then he we will. After all, you will have the rest of your lives together! Uh?!!! that should have read 'he will leave'. Sorry - very hungover today!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I also think it's unfair to call someone a snake, weren't you a serial cheater once who is a self-proclaimed reformed one now a days? Does that mean once a snake always a snake? A snake will always be a snake, until he/she becomes self aware of that fact and takes the necessary steps to not be one anymore. Cheating your way out of relationships and into new ones with no internal changes is not going to change a serial cheater. They'll just continue on with the cycle. This guy has a known pattern of unremorseful cheating. He cheats his way out of one relationship and into a new one. Getting a new girlfriend isn't going to change that. Even when you step out of that life, it still doesn't change the fact that you used to be one, and you recognize another one when you see one.
frannie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'd try not to worry, don't leap one way or the other, and take things slowly. He's only been out of the house 3 weeks and is probably going through quite a few emotions himself. I don't think it's unusual, reading SI, for MM to decide to move out following a d-day. It's far more usual for that to happen than they up and leave of their own accord while the A can still continue. Try not to judge him too much for what has happened, or for not leaving before d-day. It's just the nature of the beast. Why not just see him occasionally while you both get your heads together... things could become a lot clearer down the line. Best of luck, anyway.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Do you think that he is trully in love with me, or is he just scared about his seperation, or looking for a way out of his marriage? If I believe that he is, and take a chance that he will always be faithful to me, am I going to regret it 3 years down the line? I dont want to waste my time with him, I am aware there are plenty of other less complicated relationships, but we have always just "clicked". Any thoughts on this situation would be so much appreciated. I am so confused! You are the only one who knows whether or not he is in love with you...There are no guarantees in life...You make your choice and go from there... And if you are worrying about living a life without regrets, what kind of life would that be? A life without risk, without the risk of wonderful experiences, as well as the risk of bad experiences... If your doubts outweigh the postive aspects of your R, perhaps you should end the R....If there is no trust in a R, there is no R...It is an empty shell, good for neither partner... Search your heart...you will find the answer...we can only help you along... (((HUGS)))
The Collector Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I agree with Ariadne. Did it never occur to you while he was cheating on his wife that you were bound to have trust issues with such a man? Or were you too intoxicated by the forbidden fruit and now it's freely available it doesn't seem so sweet?
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