I was given a second chance and blew it, Need assistance so i doesnt happen again !

[BrianG]

Alright, well my girlfriend just broke up with me for the second time and i am trying to figure some things out as to why I blew it again. I have read many posts on here from people that are the ones that have been hurt, but in this case I was the one that hurt someone that i love very much and having a hard time figuring out why. I know some of you may be pissed at me for what i am about to write, but it will be nothing compared to how dissapointed at pissed off I am at myself.

Background Info:

I am 29 and she is 26. We had been together for 5 years and we recently moved in together about 6 months ago. She just moved her stuff out today while i was at work.

 

I will try to convey all the information as briefly as I can. Essentially what caused our first break up was after about 3 years of dating I lied about talking to another girl on myspace and i told this girl on myspace that I was single, my girlfriend or i guess should say ex girlfriend found out about it and confronted me and I lied about it. Which I later found out was actually my girlfriend creating this girl to test me to see how I would respond to it and I failed the test. In addition i was having anger management issues (never hit her or anything physical, mainly yelling in arguments) . In thinking back about the situation in any relationship I have had i was always wondering if there was someone else out there that was better for me and if she was the one, etc. Which was my reason for talking to this other girl because I was interested. I would never have done anything with this girl while i was with her and keep in mind throughout all of this that i have never cheated on her and I have no reason to lie about on here.

 

Anyways, she broke up with me because she could not trust me and even though i never cheated on her and told her that, my credibility was shot at that point and she did not believe me and I dont blame her for it because trust is a big deal in a relationship, and she did not like the way i was speaking to her sometimes in arguments, which I know is wrong.

 

It is always the case with me that "I never know what I have until its gone" that expression is so true!

 

So I enrolled in anger management classes and I actually went to her parents house and apologized to her and her parents for hurting their daughter and asked her for a second chance. Eventually she called me and said she loved and missed me and we slowly started dating again. Everything was going great for about six months, we went on vacation together, enjoyed spending time together, etc. So since we had been dating the better part of four years we decided to take it to the next step and move in together. Neither one of us was ready to get married at that point because she was in school full time and she wanted to focus on her career, and i wanted to be more financially stable so I could provide for her and one day our family.

 

Anyways, we moved in together and things were great at first, picking up things together for the apartment and having our own place together was so exciting at first. After a while we started to argue more and more because we were both accustomed to having our own way and kept clashing. The arguments started to get worse and worse and I fell back into the person that started yelling again (needless to say i just enrolled in refresher courses in anger management) I again starting taking her for granted that she would always be there. The thoughts of "is there someone out there thats better for me" started creeping in again and i had posted something online (i know im an idiot and should have learned from my mistake and should have known better) while i was a little tipsy saying that I was looking for a discrete encounter with a girl because i have a girlfriend. I responded to one of the respondents while i was drunk, but never had any intention of ever going through with anything just mainly curious and just messing around online. Anyways, i had forgotten that she had access to my email because i wanted her to trust me so i gave me my password and she checked my emails and saw that posting and email and freaked out (which she had every right to!) Not knowing she still had access to my email she confronted me about it and i lied again in fear that she would have broken up with me again.

 

Needless to say she broke up with me again and said that its not going to work out and therefore moving her stuff out of the aparment we got together.

 

I dont know if i have a question, but i am mainly wondering why i did this. I am not a bad person, yes i made some really, really bad decisions, but I never, ever cheated on her. I dont know if its a fear of commitment?, or if I subconsiously sabotaged the relationship by submitting that post? or because i thought there might be someone better for me out there? How do I know if the person I am with will be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? Will I ever be satisfied? On paper she is everything and more that I would ever want in a girlfriend, partner and future wife.

 

I accept responsibility for my actions and there consequenes, but i am heartbroken, depressed and wondering why i hurt someone i love so very much. I was already given a second chance so I have come to terms with the fact that i wont be given a 3rd chance (even though i tried begging for one) and lucky enough to get a second chance because some people dont even get that.

 

Sorry i know this was a lot to read, but i felt it was necessary to fully understand the scope of our relationship and what i did in order to get your input. I know im a jackass and lost the woman i love so much and should have known better. I can only eventually move on and make sure it doesn't happen again which I am trying to prevent when i eventually find another great girl if i am so lucky. That is why i am posting this and I would appreciate your input or suggestions or comments

[KenzieAbsolutely]

it's pretty simple. you are not emotionally mature enough or ready for a relationship, and you have proven it over and over to this poor girl. leave her alone, get yourself sorted out, and don't get involved, especially moving in, with someone before you're ready.

[Spinderella]

You will just have to keep doing work on yourself, so that you can really be ready for your next relationship. Ask yourself why you really wanted to sabotage the relationship, perhaps you need to explore this in therapy of some kind.

[BrianG]

Thanks Spinderella, i really did not want to sabotage the relationship, but i may have subconsiously, who knows, still trying to figure out why i did it. The girl was great for me and everything i wanted in a girl and i love her very much. I just keep thinking that I would have done this to her if I was truly in love with her.

[bloodaye]

hey man im the same way,i could never figure out why i behaved in certain ways with my ex,i always had a sharp tongue with her and she had enuff and we broke up.We got back together and i swore to myself that i wuld not repeat the same BS with her like i did in the past,well needless to say it all started over again.But u know what i realized? It wasnt just me,i thought back to events that agrrevated me and made me respond in certain ways,i figured out that she simply just got under my skin,she had this way about her,very subtle,in her mind i was "the man" and i apparently was responsible for all her needs and wants and when i supposedly didnt act the part,she would throw out these little remarks,of course trying to be polite about it trying not to look like the agressor,but it would piss me off,i mean shes 29 yrs old for god sake i always felt like i was taking care of my daughter as sick as that sounds and i would fly off the handle,then she would "project" meaning she was really the one who had issues but would make herself feel better by putting all the blame on me,its a game,its immature.I became to understand that im not the one with the problem,after knowing her for so long,her past etc etc..For some stupid reason her manipulation worked and i end up feeling guilty,but i roll with it and im not giving in.Im not justifying my quick temper and trash talking,but im human and i can only take so much.

[BrianG]

sorry typo. I am thinking that if I was truly in love her with I wouldn't have even been interested in other women.

[bloodaye]

exactly,so dont blame urself,think of why u acted in such ways,and what promted those behaviours,there r reasons for everything,dont u think maybe she wasnt giving u something u wanted?It might not b obvious to u now,but think good and hard about it,i did,for every action there is a reaction whether its subtle or not,again people react differently,u have ur way of reacting as do i,its not always the best way to go about things,but dont make her out to b the innocent one,she acted in ways that ignited something in u.

[Spinderella]

sorry typo. I am thinking that if I was truly in love her with I wouldn't have even been interested in other women.

You could be right. Maybe you were not truly in love with her, but, you stayed with her, and did not treat her very well. That points to some things you could need to work out.

[Trialbyfire]

so dont blame urself

I disagree. Cheaters need to accept responsibility for their actions, in order to learn something about themselves. BrianG didn't learn his lesson when she gave him a second chance. He basically lost nothing for his actions so, he repeated them, when he needed a self-esteem boost.

 

Sound bad OP? Too bad. I can't imagine what your g/f must be feeling now for taking you back and having it happen again. You can bet she's got some major trust issues, possibly for life.

[joekurtz]

sorry typo. I am thinking that if I was truly in love her with I wouldn't have even been interested in other women.

 

Yeah, but don't give yourself a "free pass" by rationalizing your behavior so easily. Because then you run the very real risk of rationalizing ALL your bad behaviors in future relationships & winding up a very lonely man down the line. Know what I mean?

 

Maybe this ex-GF of your's & you weren't "meant to be" & you'll find somebody else that you'll be more compatable with in the future. That's a distinct possibility. And I hope, for your sake, that that's how it all turns out.

But, what if she was THE ONE & you lost her because of your self-destructive choices. That's a possibility too.

 

I'm not trying to beat up on you over your mistakes, the loss of your GF is more than punishment enough. But I think before you find yourself in another relationship you should do a lot of soul seaching & figure out what it is you really want in a woman so you don't find yourself bored in six months & tempted to explore other options all over again.

[BrianG]

Spinderalla, i completely agree that I have some character flaws to work on. One being honesty, i should have at least told her the truth, no arguments here, and done better job in controlling my anger during arguments. Bloodaye was right in that sometimes other people bring that out and you and incompatibility comes to mind at the moment. I guess how do you know if someone is that mysterious "one"?

[BrianG]

i never, ever cheated on her, but i did entertain the possibility. I am not trying to justify my actions, just trying to become a better person. Everytime i get in a long term relationship the thoughts of is there someone else out there that is possibly better for me, instead of just being happy with what i have

[Spinderella]

Spinderalla, i completely agree that I have some character flaws to work on. One being honesty, i should have at least told her the truth, no arguments here, and done better job in controlling my anger during arguments. Bloodaye was right in that sometimes other people bring that out and you and incompatibility comes to mind at the moment. I guess how do you know if someone is that mysterious "one"?

Incompatibility is one thing, how you conduct yourself within those circumstances is another. It seems you are still thinking that if you met this perfect "one" that you would not have these flaws. Not true. The flaws need to be worked out in you, because unless you do that, no-one will ever be "the one". Still, you can keep looking outside of yourself for the answers, if you want to. Just dont expect to find them.

[Spinderella]

i never, ever cheated on her, but i did entertain the possibility. I am not trying to justify my actions, just trying to become a better person. Everytime i get in a long term relationship the thoughts of is there someone else out there that is possibly better for me, instead of just being happy with what i have

Its not that kind of thinking that is really the problem. The problem is that you searched for someone else while you were in the relationship, but, the biggest problem of all was lying about it. Its really not nice to lie.

[Trialbyfire]

i never, ever cheated on her, but i did entertain the possibility. I am not trying to justify my actions, just trying to become a better person. Everytime i get in a long term relationship the thoughts of is there someone else out there that is possibly better for me, instead of just being happy with what i have

Oh? Hmmm...I wonder what would have happened if the girls had agreed to meet and were available for use... There's a major difference between a little light-hearted flirting and flirting with intent.

 

When you solicit external sexual relations, you are stepping out of the boundaries of your relationship. You have lied twice to your g/f, after being busted over these events. Your g/f told you this was unacceptable after the first time and you went and did it again...and....lied about it.

[BrianG]

oh trust me i am not giving myself a "free pass" I have been beating myself ever since this happened not only as a boyfriend, but as one human being to another, especially one i love very much. I am merely trying to get to the root of my problems so that I don't repeat them and become that lonely, old man. Which for my sake I hope your right as well and my story has a happy ending. But, there is a very distinct possiblility that she was the one and it pains me to think so because of my actions. Trust me if i could turn back the clock and made better choices I would have, but I cannot think that way. I am going to be spending this time alone, reflecting on the decisions and choices I made so I am not doomed to repeat them.

Thanks for the advice and I know what to do the next time, great girls dont come by very often, I can only hope I am given another opportunity, maybe with my ex (probably not) or sometime in the future.

[BrianG]

your absolutely right spinderalla, no arguments here. lying was definetly the wrong thing to do because I was busted everytime I did it. There is this saying that if you do the right things the right things happen to you. And this is a perfect example of that.

[BrianG]

Oh? Hmmm...I wonder what would have happened if the girls had agreed to meet and were available for use... There's a major difference between a little light-hearted flirting and flirting with intent.

 

When you solicit external sexual relations, you are stepping out of the boundaries of your relationship. You have lied twice to your g/f, after being busted over these events. Your g/f told you this was unacceptable after the first time and you went and did it again...and....lied about it.

 

trial by fire

not disagreeing with you one bit, I am not trying to justify or rationalize my actions, just simply trying to get down to the root of my problems. I know what I did was wrong. In either case, the first time i was not soliciting sexual relations, i was flirting and flattered by the compliments i received, which happened to be my girlfriend portraying herself as someone else and she contacted me, but I should have said that I have a girlfriend. The second time i was intoxicated and screwing around on the internet with people out of boredom on the internet (completely stupid of me considering our past)and my ex girlfriend saw the emails in my email account. In no way did i provide anyway for me to meet up with them or schedule a meeting, etc. because I did not want to.

 

I dont want this post to go off on a tangent, I know what i did was wrong, I posted this because I am seeking advice and guidance so that I dont repeat the same mistakes again and again, because my self destructive behavior caused me to hurt and lose a great girl that quite possibly could have been the "one"

[queen of nerds]

I'd venture to say that in most LTRs one or both parts are going to occasionally entertain thoughts about being with someone else than their SO and what it would be like, no matter how much you love your SO. The difference is how you act on those thoughts. Giving black-and-white blanket statements like "if I were really in love I'd never even so much as think about another woman" is just setting you up for trouble, and will likely have you leaving relationships out of entirely the wrong reasons. There's no "the one" out there, only permutations of "ones".

 

Maybe this is just a phase you're going through (my dad went through relationships like most people go through underwear, but he calmed down in his 40s and is now fiercely monogamous), but there's always the possibility that you'll always need validation from several females rather than just one --- or it could've had something to do with the inherent dynamics of the relationship you had with your ex. Do you know what made you seek external validation? Was your sex life on the back burner?

[Spinderella]

As for your "flaws", change is always possible, simple to achieve even, but takes self honesty, without self judgement.

[BrianG]

I'd venture to say that in most LTRs one or both parts are going to occasionally entertain thoughts about being with someone else than their SO and what it would be like, no matter how much you love your SO. The difference is how you act on those thoughts. Giving black-and-white blanket statements like "if I were really in love I'd never even so much as think about another woman" is just setting you up for trouble, and will likely have you leaving relationships out of entirely the wrong reasons. There's no "the one" out there, only permutations of "ones".

 

Maybe this is just a phase you're going through (my dad went through relationships like most people go through underwear, but he calmed down in his 40s and is now fiercely monogamous), but there's always the possibility that you'll always need validation from several females rather than just one --- or it could've had something to do with the inherent dynamics of the relationship you had with your ex. Do you know what made you seek external validation? Was your sex life on the back burner?

 

I can understand where your coming from. It was not necessarily validation, but in thinking about it more and more, i think it was more of a matter of being happy with what i do have, she was everything I would ever want, but i kept on thinking that there could be something even better out there, which blinded me to the fact that i have everything i would ever want right in front of me but i was still not satisfied. Our sex life was not on the back burner per say, but she would be the one in control of the knobs, no pun intended. Things had gotten progressively better over the years. As far as me being a man, we could have sex every single minute of every single day if we could. As all women will agree they are more emotional creatures and im sure our arguments did not help getting here into that aroused, emotional state. However, she pretty much determined when we would or wouldn't be intimate. in thinking back i had asked about trying some new things in the bedroom, but nothing usually came to fruition, but I could have been more vocal during those encounters as well.