joekurtz Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 This will be the fourth birthday that I've spent alone. Oh, my estranged wife is always good about acknowledging it & making sure that she brings our daughter by to wish me a Happy B-Day. She even makes sure I have a cake. She deserves props for those things. But, at the same time it's rough realizing that this will be the fourth birthday that I'll be alone as far as her attentions are concerned ... Oh, she'll give me a little peck on the lips, maybe a hug. But, she won't kiss me like a wife is supposed to kiss her husband. And, she certainly won't have sex with me. Which sucks ( or, more accurately, DOESN'T suck ... ). I guess I could go out & get trashed later tonight at some bar & hope to parlay the fact that it's my birthday into "getting lucky" with some barfly. But, nah. That's not me. Hell, I've been celebate for three plus years now, since August 13th 2004. Why ruin a good thing, right? The fact is, despite everything, I'm still in love with my wife & she's the only one that I reallywant to have sex with right now. Though I have a strong, healthy sex drive, I was "cursed" with a very monogamous nature. Which isn't fueled by any particular religeous convictions ( I'm a lapsed catholic ), I just don't have any real desire to go out there & "hook up" with someone else while I still have such strong feelings for my wife. Which, I suppose some might say makes me a masochist seeing as how, at this rate, my marital issues are NEVER going to be resolved, but ...
Author joekurtz Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Well, I wasn't depessed when I composed my previous post earlier this morning, but I've gradually become so as the day's worn on. This past Sunday my wife had said that she was planning to bring our daughter Autumn Myst by to visit for my birthday at around noon today, but here it is some three hours past that point & there's been no sign of them. So, I guess something must have come up. I suppose they could still pop by at some point, but ... On top of their "no show" thus far, I had held out some slim hope that I might've gotten a card in the mail from my other two kids but the mailbox was empty of any such pleasantries. So, a day that had begun with some hope has turned out to be a pretty grim one for me. Oh well, I'll just have to do my best to convince myself that it's just another ordinary day of no significance.
jmargel Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 May I ask if you have been living this way for 4 years, why aren't you two divorced? If it's known to you that she does not want to reconile the marriage, then why do you continue to torture yourself? Why are you letting her make all the decisions? You have a future, a life ahead of you. You can either wallow in the self-pity and hope things change, or you can MAKE them change. It's time for you to use this day of yours and start setting goals for yourself. It's time to move on, time to experience hope, joy, fun and excitement once again. Have you been seeing a counselor? Do you believe you are in a depression?
Melovator Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Happy Birthday to you! Make your birthday a great day, decide that today is the first day of the rest of your fabulous life. A life where you are in control, where you set the agenda, because its is your life and you've only got one. Make of it what you want! Laugh, sing dance! HAve joy! You are alive! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Author joekurtz Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 May I ask if you have been living this way for 4 years, why aren't you two divorced? If it's known to you that she does not want to reconile the marriage, then why do you continue to torture yourself? Why are you letting her make all the decisions? You have a future, a life ahead of you. You can either wallow in the self-pity and hope things change, or you can MAKE them change. It's time for you to use this day of yours and start setting goals for yourself. It's time to move on, time to experience hope, joy, fun and excitement once again. Have you been seeing a counselor? Do you believe you are in a depression? Am I in a depression? My whole LIFE is but a constant state of depression to be honest with you. Other than the occasional fistfull of vicodin & the internet, it's a damned joyless existence I lead, let me tell you ( with the exception of the happiness that my kids bring me of course ... ). A situation that I've just grown used to over the past couple of years, but which is hitting home today like a rude splash of cold, rancid water. Which is more than enough to turn my stomach today with it's unhealthy mix of regret, a strong sense of loss & self loathing for all the time I've wasted. I was seeing a counselor regularly for a while, but she went on maternity leave from her position a year or so ago & never returned. Of course they provided their clients with new people to choose from in her absence, but I, like a fool, failed to do so. Something that I now (finally) plan on remedying after having been hit so bloody hard today with feelings of such utter bleakness. I hadn't realized just how much I'd been counting on seeing Vicki ( my estranged wife) today. And our daughter as well, of course. But, it's the complete control of my feelings that I'd placed in Vicki's hands that's the point here. Autumn's only a six year old little girl, who I know would be here now if it was within her control to do so. I know she loves her daddy & if she can't wish me a happy birthday until the weekend when I see her next it's no big deal. Know what I mean? But, her mom's a totally different story. She told me that she'd be here with Autumn early this afternoon to help me celebrate my B-day & has since, obviously, made the decision not to do so, with not so much as a phone call message to tell me that there's been a change of plans. That hurts. It hurts so much because I know that I have no one other than myself to blame for allowing myself to get my hopes up. For what? I don't even know.
marlena Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Joe, Here's my wish for you on this your birthday. That it all stops here ...the depression, the sadness, the negative thoughts that are like deadweights to your well - being and happiness. I hope a new day dawns for you tomorrow..one that will bring you the joy you so deserve to have in your life... and may this be your last sad birthday ever.
hot123 Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Am I in a depression? My whole LIFE is but a constant state of depression to be honest with you. Other than the occasional fistfull of vicodin & the internet, it's a damned joyless existence I lead, let me tell you ( with the exception of the happiness that my kids bring me of course ... ). A situation that I've just grown used to over the past couple of years, but which is hitting home today like a rude splash of cold, rancid water. Which is more than enough to turn my stomach today with it's unhealthy mix of regret, a strong sense of loss & self loathing for all the time I've wasted. I was seeing a counselor regularly for a while, but she went on maternity leave from her position a year or so ago & never returned. Of course they provided their clients with new people to choose from in her absence, but I, like a fool, failed to do so. Something that I now (finally) plan on remedying after having been hit so bloody hard today with feelings of such utter bleakness. I hadn't realized just how much I'd been counting on seeing Vicki ( my estranged wife) today. And our daughter as well, of course. But, it's the complete control of my feelings that I'd placed in Vicki's hands that's the point here. Autumn's only a six year old little girl, who I know would be here now if it was within her control to do so. I know she loves her daddy & if she can't wish me a happy birthday until the weekend when I see her next it's no big deal. Know what I mean? But, her mom's a totally different story. She told me that she'd be here with Autumn early this afternoon to help me celebrate my B-day & has since, obviously, made the decision not to do so, with not so much as a phone call message to tell me that there's been a change of plans. That hurts. It hurts so much because I know that I have no one other than myself to blame for allowing myself to get my hopes up. For what? I don't even know.Why after all this time are you still married...not sure if I missed that or not...
jmargel Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Am I in a depression? My whole LIFE is but a constant state of depression to be honest with you. Other than the occasional fistfull of vicodin & the internet, it's a damned joyless existence I lead, let me tell you ( with the exception of the happiness that my kids bring me of course ... ). A situation that I've just grown used to over the past couple of years, but which is hitting home today like a rude splash of cold, rancid water. Which is more than enough to turn my stomach today with it's unhealthy mix of regret, a strong sense of loss & self loathing for all the time I've wasted. I was seeing a counselor regularly for a while, but she went on maternity leave from her position a year or so ago & never returned. Of course they provided their clients with new people to choose from in her absence, but I, like a fool, failed to do so. Something that I now (finally) plan on remedying after having been hit so bloody hard today with feelings of such utter bleakness. I hadn't realized just how much I'd been counting on seeing Vicki ( my estranged wife) today. And our daughter as well, of course. But, it's the complete control of my feelings that I'd placed in Vicki's hands that's the point here. Autumn's only a six year old little girl, who I know would be here now if it was within her control to do so. I know she loves her daddy & if she can't wish me a happy birthday until the weekend when I see her next it's no big deal. Know what I mean? But, her mom's a totally different story. She told me that she'd be here with Autumn early this afternoon to help me celebrate my B-day & has since, obviously, made the decision not to do so, with not so much as a phone call message to tell me that there's been a change of plans. That hurts. It hurts so much because I know that I have no one other than myself to blame for allowing myself to get my hopes up. For what? I don't even know. You have let your wife take complete control over your life and your emotions. It's time to start making steps in allowing yourself to be a FATHER to your children. Find another counselor today, find an attorney today and start divorce preceding. Get at least half-custody of your children and start setting short-term goals in your life. All of this will lead you into finding someone who will love and appreciate you for yourself. No one else can do this but you. You need to find that inner strength to pull yourself out of this ditch and to get your life moving again. You only have one life, don't live it in regret.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 You need to let her go. Three years of bull**** is enough. I bet you the moment you show her your moving on, she'll change or show interest. They always do.
sumdude Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Happy Birthday Joe. I know you've heard this before but I've learned it through my divorce It is so true.. Happiness comes from inside.. no one can MAKE you happy or unhappy. At some point it is a decision you make for yourself. Sometimes you have to work and fight for it pretty damn hard. Same is true of unhappiness, at some point you are dwelling on these sad things and emotions. Living in them, reliving them until it's all you can feel or think about. Change what you think about and it will change your life. yeah, takes work but if you were drowning you would learn to swim pretty quick. and joe ... it's time to let go .... The past is done, can't change it. All you have is this moment and all the ones that come after it. You MUST decide how you want them to be, no one else can do that for you.
Author joekurtz Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 I suppose it's time for an update, seeing as how I haven't posted in a month or so. Huh?
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