fabulousgal Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I woke up this morning from an ex nightmare (I will spare you the details) and just started crying because I deserve better. Jerk. Maybe one day it will happen from who it is supposed to, but I am beginning to have my doubts. Right now I am at a time in my life I don't mind being single, I enjoy it for the most part. I've been without a fufilling relationship for YEARS though. More and more I've gone from not really caring if I had one or not to wondering why it doesn't seem to happen for me.
Bosiell Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Hey Fab The dreams suck dont they. I used to have them alot with an ex from many years ago. I to used to have many doubts about love.. Did I really need it, hey I am ok on my own, my own boss. Was tired of being kicked in the nuts with failed relationships (some my own fault tho). But deep down I know I was fooling myself, I had an emptiness that would not go away. I picked myself up and very recently found someone again, I got carried away and fell for her big time, thought yes this is the one at last! However it wasnt to be, I was left heartbroken big time, like nothing I had ever felt. So yes I am in that wondering why it doesn't seem to happen for me phase yet again. And it blows, sometimes feel so sorry for myelf that its hard to breathe. BUT. I will not let this be the end. I MUST keep looking foward. MUST keep believing. At the end of the day, there is no choice to be made. Life will always challenge us, it is how react to them, thats what life is all about. I know and expect that I am going to be on my own for awhile again now. But in that time I must find security within myself but also the desire to keep feeling that there is someone out there for me, who I will hold forever in my heart
Author fabulousgal Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Hey Fab The dreams suck dont they. I used to have them alot with an ex from many years ago. I to used to have many doubts about love.. Did I really need it, hey I am ok on my own, my own boss. Was tired of being kicked in the nuts with failed relationships (some my own fault tho). But deep down I know I was fooling myself, I had an emptiness that would not go away. I picked myself up and very recently found someone again, I got carried away and fell for her big time, thought yes this is the one at last! However it wasnt to be, I was left heartbroken big time, like nothing I had ever felt. So yes I am in that wondering why it doesn't seem to happen for me phase yet again. And it blows, sometimes feel so sorry for myelf that its hard to breathe. BUT. I will not let this be the end. I MUST keep looking foward. MUST keep believing. At the end of the day, there is no choice to be made. Life will always challenge us, it is how react to them, thats what life is all about. I know and expect that I am going to be on my own for awhile again now. But in that time I must find security within myself but also the desire to keep feeling that there is someone out there for me, who I will hold forever in my heart the thing is that i do feel security about myself. the things i haven't always felt great about, i work on weekly in therapy for years now. my therapist often commends me on how much i've grown. i just feel like crap. i feel like i deserved much better from him, and it hurts that it didn't happen. yes relationships fail, but i see so many around me skipping in fields and getting married etc, so wtf am i doing wrong. i'm loving and very devoting, and always willing to comprimise and listen to others. and most importantly i won't walk away when times are tough. i'm so down.
Bosiell Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Sorry to hear you are down of course Fab. If thats the way you are right now then fine, settle with it, feel it, But dont ride the vicious circle of beating yourself coz you are down, and making yourself even worse. You will wake up one day and realise hey Im not too bad today, things will get brighter. i just feel like crap. i feel like i deserved much better from him, and it hurts that it didn't happen. yes relationships fail, but i see so many around me skipping in fields and getting married etc, so wtf am i doing wrong. i'm loving and very devoting, and always willing to comprimise and listen to others Hell yes. I wouldve done anything for my ex, I treated her like an angel, and yes I feel I deserved to be loved in return. But you dont always get what you deserve in this life. I am starting to see that too late for my liking. Events, joyous aswell as heartbreaking happen every moment of every day in this world. It is selfish and naive to think we are too important for it to happen to us. As for people skipping around fields. Well yes of course they do, I was to not too long ago, I was on the high of my life. But you can see from the posts on this forum. Life is far from a bed of roses for lots and lots of folk out there. You are loving, devoting etc. Thats great, always appreciate the person you are. One day another will see that, love you for that and you will be happy again.
Author fabulousgal Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Sorry to hear you are down of course Fab. If thats the way you are right now then fine, settle with it, feel it, But dont ride the vicious circle of beating yourself coz you are down, and making yourself even worse. You will wake up one day and realise hey Im not too bad today, things will get brighter. i just feel like crap. i feel like i deserved much better from him, and it hurts that it didn't happen. yes relationships fail, but i see so many around me skipping in fields and getting married etc, so wtf am i doing wrong. i'm loving and very devoting, and always willing to comprimise and listen to others Hell yes. I wouldve done anything for my ex, I treated her like an angel, and yes I feel I deserved to be loved in return. But you dont always get what you deserve in this life. I am starting to see that too late for my liking. Events, joyous aswell as heartbreaking happen every moment of every day in this world. It is selfish and naive to think we are too important for it to happen to us. As for people skipping around fields. Well yes of course they do, I was to not too long ago, I was on the high of my life. But you can see from the posts on this forum. Life is far from a bed of roses for lots and lots of folk out there. You are loving, devoting etc. Thats great, always appreciate the person you are. One day another will see that, love you for that and you will be happy again. I know that they do. But for me, heartbreaking seems to be the event that occurs the most. Not saying I have nothing to be grateful for, but a lot of f'ed up stuff has happened. I just wish I'd find someone who will appreciate the things I do and feel "incomplete" if I wasn't theirs. Man this has been a _ day, at least my weekend was awesome. Today, I've cried in my pillow all day. I hate him.
quankanne Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 so wtf am i doing wrong. i'm loving and very devoting, and always willing to comprimise and listen to others. And most importantly i won't walk away when times are tough. YOU aren't doing anything wrong, honey ... it's just the person you gave that to didn't appreciate that gift of self. And, frankly, he probably didn't deserve it if he couldn't sense the good you brought to his life. from someone who has been there, loving a little too hard and never seeming to win: Eventually, you're going to stop hurting/punishing yourself for not being "good" enough for someone else and you're going to realize, "Hey, if they can't appreciate me for who I am, that's their loss ... I'm not going to make myself miserable anymore because I cannot change how the other person feels about me." and that is going to empower you in a way that you cannot imagine.:love: meanwhile, you need to work on accepting yourself for who you are and what you have to bring to the table – hard, I know, when you assess your self-value based on what others think of you, but you've got to learn to like, if not love, yourself for your uniqueness. some food for thought: Every love relationship you experience – and yes, lose – brings you one step closer to the love you're ultimately meant to have. Because everytime you allow yourself to love someone, you help your heart grow and mature into the this wonderful pool of love that the right man or woman – or child – will joyfully share in. so don't excessively beat yourself over some fool who couldn't see what you had to offer, because you'll only bring yourself down. I'd done it a million times, and it just wasn't fruitful. And I only realized that after meeting the man I eventually married. All those relationships before him were just practice for the real thing, you know? hugs to you, and keep the faith, y'all, q
Bosiell Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Great words quan. Something I to will take heart in and remember
Author fabulousgal Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Yes thanks for the words Quan... I guess I can go back to focusing on everything but love, which is what I normally do. It's the first time in my life (well maybe not hs) that I've really wanted someone GOOD romantically, just as much as I want my career, friends, etc. Normally I just go about my everything but love life. Bosses love me because I have no "home" commitments or "relationship" commitments...so can I work Saturday....sure!! Why not! I am picky so I won't date just to date. I have always loved being single, still do, just I think I've hit frustration bc I thought my ex would be someone who while I may not spend forever with, I would have a meaningful relationship with. I guess thoughts get you into this mess. Maybe if I set my expectations to be crapped all over, when someone does something what you'd expect in a normal healthy relationship, I can pop champagne. Ok that's extreme but you know what I mean.
Bosiell Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I am picky so I won't date just to date. I have always loved being single, still do, just I think I've hit frustration bc I thought my ex would be someone who while I may not spend forever with, I would have a meaningful relationship with I know where you are coming from with this. I have been told many times I am too fussy, and suppose yes it is true. But I thought all that fussyness was worth it when I met my ex, all the single doubting myself times were at an end etc etc. But it all came crashing down around me. I never once doubted that my love for her wouldnt be enough, but suppose thats where I went wrong. tried too hard, got carried away with dreams of a future, instead of just enjoying the present. We live and we learn, day by day, year by year. x
quankanne Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Ok that's extreme but you know what I mean. yeah, I do, and it makes me smile because we tell ourselves these things without realizing we're still bashing ourselves for not meeting up to someone else's expectations. what is it that john lennon said? Life happens while you're busy preparing for it? Same thing with love – it walks in when you least expect it, and never in the form you expect it. So promise yourself that you won't disallow for the possibility, but that you'll keep on keeping on in the meanwhile ... hugs to you, quank
sedgwick Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I hear ya. Sometimes I think about what he'd have to do to make me trust him again, and I realize he'd never take the time to do it because it's not music. But it's really not such a big deal -- show up on my doorstep with flowers, y'know, profess undying love and acknowledge degree of jerkitude -- and the fact that I know he doesn't have it in him to do it because there's always more music to be played. I feel very strongly that I was dumped because I am not music. And that's ridiculous, and points to problems in him, not me. I hope you're doing a healthy amount of realizing that yourself -- that it really is sometimes their problem and not ours. The bottom line is I deserve someone who does as much for me as I did for him. I'm 36 and I haven't found it yet either. I was married from 24-30, and since then I've had four boyfriends, and three of them dumped me and one I broke up with because I found out he was reading my email and spying on me. Sigh. When we DO find it, it better be AWESOME!
Author fabulousgal Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 OMG I cannot stop bawling. All day its been like this. I feel so jaded about everything, like nothing is ever going to work out. I may have to have an emergeny therapist day, which sucks bc those bas_ards are $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$......................
AriaIncognito Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I'm sorry you're having such a bad day today Fab. Try not to let it get to you, you're a strong woman. I've known you for what, a year now? You will eventually find what you are looking for. We all will. We just need to be patient. I know how you feel about looking at happy people around you. A good friend of mine got engaged tonight, and I'm really happy for her, and totally 100% jealous of her. Shes a beautiful person inside and out and some man was smart enough to actually acknowledge it for once. I can only hope that the fact that others find that person, means we can too. Hang in there girl.
Author fabulousgal Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 thanks aw, i know im strong somewhere.... it has been awhile hasn't it not sure where this wave of despair/sadness/hurt is coming from. i just wish i could meet someone that would appreciate, understand and be patient with moi.
Author fabulousgal Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 hmmm, had a date tonight. i really didn't want to go. but you know what. he was cute and it went well. which probably means he won't call
Bosiell Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Fab. How are you doing today? Good to see you went on a date You think you are going to see him again? Could be the one!
Author fabulousgal Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 yeah i'd go out with him again. i was glad to go on a date as well, kinda made me see there is more than my ex in the dating pool. the pool filled with scum, leaves, and dead bugs but no all and all a good time, maybe there will be a second. still miss the ex though. not in a "omg i can't function or breathe" kinda way. but nonetheless, still miss him.
Recommended Posts