Cindy Mancini Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Hi everyone. Thank you in advance for reading. I've recently begun dating an amazing guy. He is unlike anyone I've ever met before. We connect on so many levels, and I am so excited about the prospect of a future with him. However, last night he gave me some information that was a little bit of a let down. He has herpes. I've met a few guys before who have also given me this speech, which has left me to wonder how many other guys should have also given me the same speech but didn't, either because they didn't know they had it or are horrible people. After the first guy, I did a ton of research, so I know alot about it now. 25% of women and 20% of men have HSV-2 (genital herpes). Of those with the virus, as many as 90% don't even know they have it. That means as I sit here right now, I could even have it and not know. You could too. But that doesn't weaken my concerns. The other guys who told me about it were guys I just wasn't really into. The "H" basically gave me the excuse I was looking for to not continue any further. While I was polite and understanding when they told me, I didn't even bother seeing them again. But this guy is different. He's special to me already, despite the fact we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. He's so special to me that I actually felt more for him as a result of him telling me. I really respect this guy so much for telling me about it. He could have easily just slept with me and never told me, but he was respectful enough to have an open and honest conversation with me. He was clearly very nervous, and has experienced some horrible reactions. I did my best to hide my disappointment, but if I'm honest with myself I know that I don't want to care about this. I don't want a virus that is treatable and has lied dormant within him for 4 years to come between us, but I'm still scared. What am I getting myself into? From my research, I realize that there are many couples where only one partner is infected. This is because the infected partner takes great care to avoid transmission, even during non-contagious periods. However, I realize that if, or really when, we ultimately do have sex, that I will essentially be telling myself that I have to be okay with the assumption that I'll get it. I'm not sure how to get to that okay place. Have any of you been in this situation, dated someone with herpes? If so, how did things progress? Were you ever infected? How do I handle this? And assuming I do end up infected, what will that be like? What does an outbreak feel like, etc.?
woodsfield Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 where have you found these guys?! i think it is commendable that they told you (it was three right?), but are you comfortable with someone who has been with enough people to get Herpes; i guess it just takes one. i'm sorry that you found someone whom you care for and that this may be something that will end it. OR it may be something that you deal with for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. are you prepared for that? for the record, i don't have it and have never been in this situation. i wish you the best of luck.
garnet Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Come on. The above poster makes the assumption that people who have herpes must be dirty, skanky people or something. All types of people out there have herpes, including myself (I'm a woman). There are many situations in which people can contract the virus, inlcuding sexual assault in my case, so please don't make assumptions and categorize people like this. For what it's worth, I have had to have this conversation with several men over the years. Not one of them ever had a bad reaction to it, and as far as I know, I have never transmitted it to anyone, including men I have been in long relationships with. I know a lot of other people who have it to, and it doesn't mean that any of them have slept with tons of people or are bad people in any way. In most cases it's just bad luck. Obviously it's your decision, but I would really hope that you wouldn't turn away someone you genuinely care about because of this.
figleaf Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I fully agree with garnet. I am in the health field professionally and deal with people's experiences of these kinds of things alot. Herpes is a bodily quirk that can be managed, both short-term and long-term. Getting it doesn't happen in exactly the same way as getting a cold from shaking hands with a sniffly coworker, but sex is just as normal of an act and getting herpes happens just as easily. So you'll have herpes for a lifetime if you get it. So what?! If you manage it correctly it doesn't have to be more of a bother than the occasional cold. And having herpes is not a good indicator of someone's behavior, nor does it have ANYthing to do with someone's character, cleanliness or--as in Cindy's boyfriend's case--their honesty. I don't have genital herpes but I have oral herpes, which you also have to be careful not to spread to the genitals of your partner when you have oral sex. We're just careful (cause I used to have frequent outbreaks) and I take viral suppressive therapy with oral valacyclovir so that I have fewer outbreaks. In between visible outbreaks, I guess we leave it to that minuscule chance that it could transmit anyway because we both feel like it's worth it. The symptoms of genital herpes are generally much less severe than oral herpes (just to provide a comparison). For example, my friend had genital herpes for three years before getting diagnosed. She realized in retrospect that she'd had a few small outbreaks in that time, but just thought it was razor burn. It's all up to what you feel comfortable with (and that IS most important), but herpes shouldn't stop anyone from having a great relationship.
woodsfield Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 garnet, i'm sorry for your assault. i'm sorry you took what i said as an assumption that ALL people who have herpes are what you said. you assumed my assumption wrong. OP "I've met a few guys before who have also given me this speech..." so i think it bodes the question that i had asked.
mental_traveller Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 My opinion on this is pretty simple. See this guy for 6 months, but don't have sex - just do foreplay, oral etc to avoid the transmission risk. If at the end of the 6 months, you realise this is your soulmate, then fair enough go for it. Try to take precautions but realise they may not work. If by the 6 months, you realise he's not your soulmate, then just quit and save yourself the hassle.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 My opinion on this is pretty simple. See this guy for 6 months, but don't have sex - just do foreplay, oral etc to avoid the transmission risk. . last i checked, these activities could transmit the disease/infection just as easily. this is horrible advice. please don't take it until you speak to a doctor. otherwise, i will say, i would not personally date/see/marry/fornicate with someone with herpes. call me a selfish jerk, but whatever. however, if you do, there are options. there are medicines and tips to help avoid getting it, but when you are with someone who has it, it's likely you will get it too. you have to weigh your options carefully. it sounds rude and cold, but your health matters more when you don't even know if you'll stay with this person 'forever'.
Fancee Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I am glad you found someone you like. The art of safe sex is to prevent body fluid contact. The art of safe sex is buying some expensive aides condoms. Get you some rubber gloves. Get you a hospital mask to cover you nose and mouth. Get some of those hospital gargles for your eyes. Your eyes are fluid and you wouldn't want body fluid to splash in your eyes. While you are safely having safe sex; be sure not to allow your puebic area to touch his puebic area. Where as and by which you could become contaminated. Even if he does not have any visiable breaks outs you can still become infected with this virus. If you are in doubt consider it contaminated. If the sex becomes a pressure because you are practicing safe sex then feel free to take some prozac or tylenol after you have consulted your physician of course. I don't have H. but I have heard of guy who dated a girl for awhile but he said the stress of safe sex got to him. On the flipside: if this guy could reverse his condition and you told him you had H. he would take out running and never look back. Looks of people love like this. Just be safe. Good Luck to you.
katiebour Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Dental dams, condoms, etc are all musts if/when you have sex. If he's the love of your life I would say don't let it come between you. You're in a tough position- how/when will you know if he is the one for you, and would you be ok with it if he did transmit it to you, and eventually you broke up? But of course as others have mentioned it is a treatable disease. If I were in your shoes I would let the relationship progress. However, I probably wouldn't have sex with him until evidence of a permanent committment i.e. marriage took place. To me the risk of catching the disease would not be something I'd chance for anything less than that lifetime committment. It's not a great situation but it is doable if you really love one another.
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