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Hopefully an easy question...


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Posted

My ex walked a year ago and I'm beginning to believe she did me a favor. As I've sorted through our relationship and had time to reflect, I've decided next time around I want to be with someone who is honest, straightforward, open, respectful, and true to herself. I also want to be that way with any girl I date.

 

I've recently been exchanging emails with someone I met briefly a year ago through business. Basically I asked her out to coffee and she accepted but there is some ambiguity as to what this means -- I can't tell if she is interested in me as a business client, friend, or a romantic interest. And similarly in asking her to coffee I am being ambiguous -- maybe I'm just a friendly guy who likes espresso, or maybe I'm interested in her professional development, or maybe I want to bed her or marry her...or maybe all of the above in some combination.

 

She has passed what I consider my first level radar screen in the sense that I find her attractive and nice. So I am interested in her but only know her superficially.

 

So the question is this: When does one try to remove the ambiguity? On the one hand, earlier could be better because I'll know sooner whether we are compatible in our relationship interests and it could minimize embarrassment. It also would be less bait-and-switch -- if she likes to play games and I don't, then what am I doing playing games with her? On the other hand, later could be better because perhaps neither of us knows where we want to go with each other, so why try to pin it down? Also, it's probably too "heavy" to hit a girl on a first/coffee date with, "Well, I'm either going to friend-zone you or marry you in three years, not sure yet."

 

I'm betting you all would say leave the ambiguity and just relax and have fun, but I would appreciate your comments/advice/suggestions...

Posted

I'm a fan of sooner rather than later. But that the first meeting be ambiguous is a good thing. I can usually gage my own interest level as well as my partner's fairly rapidly on a first meeting.

 

But even if her interest level isn't clear after that coffee but you know you would like to take it further, I would recommend being foward about it. Ask her out to something that is unmistakebly date-ish, such as dinner.

 

That way you will know sooner rather then later what she is thinking.

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Posted
I'm a fan of sooner rather than later. But that the first meeting be ambiguous is a good thing. I can usually gage my own interest level as well as my partner's fairly rapidly on a first meeting.

 

But even if her interest level isn't clear after that coffee but you know you would like to take it further, I would recommend being foward about it. Ask her out to something that is unmistakebly date-ish, such as dinner.

 

That way you will know sooner rather then later what she is thinking.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your input. Part of my problem is I'm not sure what I'm thinking. This is my first post-divorce activity that could remotely be considered a date, and my first time asking out someone other than my ex in literally 21 years. I may or may not marry again, and if I don't that implies to me that I shouldn't date anyone romantically -- I wouldn't want to lead her on, because that doesn't jive with my honesty/respect thing. So I guess in a way this is just dipping my toe in the water and seeing how cold the water is. But even if I don't, I'm interested in female platonic friends, so maybe that's what she'll end up being.

 

I know, I overcomplicate things.

  • Author
Posted

OK, I guess I actually didn't make myself clear.

 

I'm not wondering how to proceed in a relationship. I understand that if I want to pursue a woman romantically, that I can start with coffee and then go to dinner.

 

What I'm curious about is this. If I say "Would you like to have coffee?" that phrase could be "dating code" for "I'm a former client of yours and I'm interested in business" or "I think you're cute and I'd like to get to know you better". And her response of "Yes, but how about in a week, I'm really busy" could be code for "I like you but I need to put the brakes on our relationship because X, Y, Z" or it could mean "I'm playing games with you and want to see how you'll respond if I play hard to get" or it could mean "This is professional, not personal".

 

We're speaking in code to each other and I don't know if we're speaking the same language.

 

I guess part of me wants to make it more explicit from the get go: "I'd like to have coffee with you because I think you're interesting and I'd like to get to know you better personally" and then have her say, "Sure, I'd love to have coffee also because you're an interesting guy, but honestly I am busy for the next week because I have a work conference, so can we meet next week?" But I think I'm sticking with the more limited communication approach because...well, because I'm not sure myself why I'm asking her out exactly, and I'm afraid of screwing things up by being too heavy and saying stuff that would be brutally honest because...well, no good answer there.

Posted

Ambigiuty is her defense mechanism. It is camoflauge so she has more time to make choices, and protect her emotions.

 

You aren't sure how or what it will turn in to, so just use time to figure that out.

  • Author
Posted
Ambigiuty is her defense mechanism. It is camoflauge so she has more time to make choices, and protect her emotions.

 

You aren't sure how or what it will turn in to, so just use time to figure that out.

 

 

Thanks. Your reply calmed me down for some reason.

 

I am also hiding behind some ambiguity as well because I don't know where I want it to go either. And I want to be fair minded and give her the same courtesy.

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