reboot Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 It makes complete sense. My problem is, honestly, I don't want to stop. I love him and the way he loves me is just crazy. I'm sure you've heard this all before though. My evenings at home just don't feel right anymore. I never thought I'd end up doing what I'm doing, yet sometimes it seems so right as bad as it sounds. I know what I'm posting on here sounds so harsh, especially towards my H, I'm just being honest though. I've heard of people divorcing and remarrying and being happier than they ever have....that's what I keep thinking of.Ok, I said I wasn't, but I *am* going to preach a little. There are some things you need to think about and people in your position have trouble thinking sometimes. It's not your fault really, your brain is betraying you. What you really have here is an infatuation. It's not just an emotional thing, it's also physiological. When you're around this guy, your brain is releasing all sorts of chemicals into your body, dopamine, adrenaline, and other agents. It's very much like taking drugs. I'd be willing to bet you had these same feelings with your husband when that relationship was new. You should know that it's real unfair to compare this new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. This is a ridiculous comparison. So what happens when it's just you and the new guy... you have the same old problems, bills, mortgage, in-laws, work, kids, etc. Only now you have lots of new problems, like managing your ex, dealing with his ex, battles over your kids/his kids. What you should probably do is back up, back off, and take a little time away from this guy. Let the chemicals die down so you can think clearly. You're making major decisions involving the lives of a lot of people here, and those people aren't getting to voice their opinion.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 k What you really have here is an infatuation. It's not just an emotional thing, it's also physiological. When you're around this guy, your brain is releasing all sorts of chemicals into your body, dopamine, adrenaline, and other agents. It's very much like taking drugs. I'd be willing to bet you had these same feelings with your husband when that relationship was new. You should know that it's real unfair to compare this new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are ids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. This is a ridiculous comparison. This point can never be repeated enough to someone in this situation. However it is seldom listened to. Within 1 wk (literally) of my seperation from H, I looked at OM and thought "What the hell is wrong with me?" Seriously. This guy was total crap compared to my H. He didn't have 1/10 of the things going for him that I thought he did when I was w/ H... Why? I wasn't w/ him all the time. I was w/ him on the sly. But once I stepped out of one situation (my M) to be able to be somewhat objective, I was shocked. Shocked at myself. Your experience may be different, OM may be the greatest thing in the world. However you will never know for sure as long as you're living this way. You have to let someone, one situation go. If you are ever going to start to put yourself back together and get your head on straight.
Author starfish36 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 I noticed that you haven't mentioned anything about how OM feels about his W & M.. You mentioned how you make each other feel, but nothing really about his relationship.. Has OM ever talked about wanting to leave his W.. Is it even a possibility?? Do you not want to leave your H because you are afraid, or because you not sure if OM will leave his W or not? Yes the OMM has talked about wanting to leave his W. In fact, he had those feelings before we ever started anything. Actually, their issues go deeper than me and my H. As far as why I don't want to leave my H: Yes I'm scared. He is not a bad person, I just don't feel like a married couple!! When we go out with friends or other couples, I see them hold hands or just simply brush up one another.... I NEED THAT!! YES, I have told him this before. Call me needy or whatever but I need that. I'm not saying I want to be one of the couples who hang all over each other, just some affection would be nice, other than bedroom time. I just have so many mixed feelings with everything. Sometimes I think seperation would be good just so I can get myself together and think about what I really need.
reboot Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You might be surprised how far a little honesty will go. Tell your husband what you're telling us. You have needs that have to be met or he's going to lose you. What do you have to lose? And maybe a separation could be good... give your H a chance to see what he'd be missing... well, unless separation means "get away from husband to be with other man". Might as well just call a lawyer in that case.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 [y H: Yes I'm scared. He is not a bad person, I just don't feel like a married couple!! When we go out with friends or other couples, I see them hold hands or just simply brush up one another.... I NEED THAT!! YES, I have told him this before. Call me needy or whatever but I need that. I'm not saying I want to be one of the couples who hang all over each other, just some affection would be nice, other than bedroom time. I just have so many mixed feelings with everything. Sometimes I think seperation would be good just so I can get myself together and think about what I really need. We all need that.. This is one of the very things that was missing from my M as well.. I, w/all my heart agree w/ Reboot .. You need to be honest w/your husband about your needs.. I know that having that conversation is not easy. People are defensive, especially when they hurt, or they are learning that they are hurting someone they love.. But this is a talk you have to have.. Your H is not a mind reader, no more than you are. "Telling" someone how you feel about something and having an honest dialogue on a subject are two different animals.. When you "TELL" someone how you are feeling, we (as humans) usually do this when we are already upset, or at the end of our rope about a subject.. That creates tension and defensiveness. A true dialogue is when you can sit and discuss your feelings/needs rationally and with the openness to hear the answers you may get.. This is not easy for most of us, I know this.. But the reality of the situation is this... 1) You have very basic human needs in your relationship that aren't being met by your H. To remedy that you have to 1) quit having those needs met elsewhere.. as long as they are being met elsewhere then you have no reason to share w/H.. and it only causes you more confusion..2)You have to take the bull by the horns, suck it up, and have a complete honest and open talk w/ your H. Yes he will be defensive, yes he will be hurt, yes, he will probably bow up and get loud to try to get the conversation stopped. Don't let yourself get dragged into a yelling match. You need to remain in control of your emotions in order to have this dialogue. For the record.. I am not, at this point and time telling you to tell your H about OM.. But I'm encouraging you to take a really good look at yourself and your marriage.. Is It Fixable?? Can you communicate openly and honestly w/your H?? Nothing ventured nothing gained, is the kind of attitude you are taking when it comes to OM. I would suggest cool it w/ OM.. Take a break.. (me personally I ended it all together but we are individuals). And start taking the Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained attitude w/ your H. You wanna hold hands, very gently, very slyly reach over and take his hand, when you do, look at him and smile, w/ all the love in your eyes that you can muster at the moment. Don't wait for him to initiate.. You want your M to change.. Then you start the ball rolling..
OpenBook Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 And so you agree, via and open, honest,, and truthful conversation (did you know there's a difference between truthfulness and honesty?) that you want a divorce. OK, I'll bite -- what's the difference?
OpenBook Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 OK, but any relationship you jump into, you're basing a lot of your decision on blind faith (because you don't know everything about your partner, and because you can't see into the future) -- which is neither truthful nor honest. And I am amazed at the number of people who would prefer NOT to know the whole truth; it's easier to cope with the situation by leaving some things well enough alone.
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