Stuck!!

[starfish36]

Okay, I'm not usually the type of person to post things on the net but once I started looking at this website I thought maybe I could get some direction or advice, whether it's good or bad! So here's my situation......

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and have the most beautiful child together. My H is an excellent father and a great guy, which is why I'm so torn with what's been going on lately. I guess, probably about a year ago, maybe two, I feel like we've grown so far apart. It all started with his anger issues, which he never touched me out of anger but would say the meanest, heart breaking things. The last time he did it, which was about six months ago, I threatened to leave him and told him I REFUSE to put up with his verbal abuse anymore, along with his addiction to online poker (with play money-not real, so that's a good thing I suppose!), and our lack of intimacy/passion. I just feel like he is more of a good male friend rather than a husband. I have told him how I feel but just feel like no progress has been made. However, I know he loves me and our child more than anything, so why has it come to this??

With that said, since the last huge argument, I have been having an emotional affair. I NEVER expected this to happen and know people look down on these types of things. I come from a good Christian family and never thought I'd experience this type of dilemma. I guess the jaw-dropper of this whole thing is that the affair is with my boss, who is also married, with kids and have their own issues as well. We had worked together for a couple years with absolutely no feelings for one another, I mean, we did think each of us were attractive but would have never went further then that, until one day it just "clicked", we realized we were having feelings for one another. We began e-mailing all the time, especially on days/weekends apart. We have gotten extremely close to the point we know each other better than our own spouses do. I have NEVER felt the way I do when I'm with him. I feel so empty when I'm not with him. I know we are in love. (And, no, we've never had sex.) We both have prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and I'm not kidding, it seems as every sign points to us to be together. I just feel so torn because my H is not a bad person but I just feel like I've fallen out of love with him. I love him but am not "in love" with him. I've told him he feels more like a best friend and it does hurt him but I can't help what I feel and I partly blame him for these feelings. I'm not trying to justify my actions but just want someone to understand me!! I, we (meaning me and OM) just don't know what to do. We have decided to chill out a little bit and give our marriages an honest shot but we just feel like nothing changes. We also realize if we were to get together it wouldn't always be "peaches 'n' cream". But we feel like we can give each other what we've always wanted in a marriage. We both have so much more in common and love the same things. We are so much alike we constantly finish each other's sentences and even do the same things at the same time, it's just amazing. I truly feel like he is my soul mate. I just hate the fact of tearing apart two families, and the pain it would cause but maybe I shouldn't look at it like that, maybe everyone would be happier in the end?? I don't know. If anyone has some advice please share it with me....I'm prepared for any of it. Thanks for listening!

[Cobra_X30]

Seriously, if your marriage wasnt on the rocks, you wouldnt be having these feelings.

 

That tells me your husband is a better man than your boss, also that he is a better choice for you. You will never be able to rekindle those feelings for your husband and fix your marriage while your emotionally attached to your boss. Plus your preventing him from fixing his marriage!

 

Isnt that what you really want... to fix your marriage?

 

Suggestion... go through this forum and read the stories from other ladies in similar situations!

[Faith4u]

You can read my thread. To learn more about my situation.

 

I wanted to tell you that ig you did not have sex with him DONT.

If you did, and if it was very good you will be of course more attached to him than you already are.

 

I think that children play a part but should not make you make miseralbe decisions just because it is good for them to be with the dad. It will show that you are not happy and that will reflect on your life, your work, your children will sooner or later know that you are unhappy and that when tery grow up they will look at you and sayL why did you stay?

 

You need to know that what matters is your marriage first. If you are too envolved with your boss, you also might be playing with your job if nothing comes out of your relationship. I know it is very hard, but discuss it with your boss and tell him that you do need break apart from chating with him about yuor personal life.

 

You can consider seperation with your husband. Something that might or not help you decide if you miss him in your life. Sometimes when we are seperated we learn if we have things in common with our husband, is it copping or simply 2 people that have grown apart?

 

PS: The verbula abuse HAS GOT to stop- I know about that and that did not help me at all in my life. I am sure it drove you to be with a kind person.

 

 

Okay, I'm not usually the type of person to post things on the net but once I started looking at this website I thought maybe I could get some direction or advice, whether it's good or bad! So here's my situation......

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and have the most beautiful child together. My H is an excellent father and a great guy, which is why I'm so torn with what's been going on lately. I guess, probably about a year ago, maybe two, I feel like we've grown so far apart. It all started with his anger issues, which he never touched me out of anger but would say the meanest, heart breaking things. The last time he did it, which was about six months ago, I threatened to leave him and told him I REFUSE to put up with his verbal abuse anymore, along with his addiction to online poker (with play money-not real, so that's a good thing I suppose!), and our lack of intimacy/passion. I just feel like he is more of a good male friend rather than a husband. I have told him how I feel but just feel like no progress has been made. However, I know he loves me and our child more than anything, so why has it come to this??

With that said, since the last huge argument, I have been having an emotional affair. I NEVER expected this to happen and know people look down on these types of things. I come from a good Christian family and never thought I'd experience this type of dilemma. I guess the jaw-dropper of this whole thing is that the affair is with my boss, who is also married, with kids and have their own issues as well. We had worked together for a couple years with absolutely no feelings for one another, I mean, we did think each of us were attractive but would have never went further then that, until one day it just "clicked", we realized we were having feelings for one another. We began e-mailing all the time, especially on days/weekends apart. We have gotten extremely close to the point we know each other better than our own spouses do. I have NEVER felt the way I do when I'm with him. I feel so empty when I'm not with him. I know we are in love. (And, no, we've never had sex.) We both have prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and I'm not kidding, it seems as every sign points to us to be together. I just feel so torn because my H is not a bad person but I just feel like I've fallen out of love with him. I love him but am not "in love" with him. I've told him he feels more like a best friend and it does hurt him but I can't help what I feel and I partly blame him for these feelings. I'm not trying to justify my actions but just want someone to understand me!! I, we (meaning me and OM) just don't know what to do. We have decided to chill out a little bit and give our marriages an honest shot but we just feel like nothing changes. We also realize if we were to get together it wouldn't always be "peaches 'n' cream". But we feel like we can give each other what we've always wanted in a marriage. We both have so much more in common and love the same things. We are so much alike we constantly finish each other's sentences and even do the same things at the same time, it's just amazing. I truly feel like he is my soul mate. I just hate the fact of tearing apart two families, and the pain it would cause but maybe I shouldn't look at it like that, maybe everyone would be happier in the end?? I don't know. If anyone has some advice please share it with me....I'm prepared for any of it. Thanks for listening!

[Integra]

Boy can I relate to you. I will share my

experience, but I can't tell you what to

do.

 

When I found myself in a similar (different addiction)

situation. As soon as I started having "feelings" for

someone I met. I seperated from my husband

pretty quickly. Like within 2 weeks.

 

My H was also verbally abusive. He was

definitely more of a bully than just malicious.

But it was because of his own failings, not mine.

Much like your H's gambling problem causes you

pain (for many reasons) you share/vent (because

I know when you tell him how your feeling

it isn't always sweetness/nice) he becomes

verbally abusive. Am I anywhere close?

 

In comes a new man. He doesn't speak to you

that way. He's warm, he's funny, he sees things

about you that your H no longer does. Makes

you feel things that your H no longer does (mainly

because of problems stemming from his gambling).

Now comes the confusion...

 

Yep BTDT... I seperated for 1 yr. I learned my

H was who I wanted. But it did take that

seperation to show me that. That was

5 yrs ago. All probs since that happened

after that are another story. But things

are better than ever now..

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and have the most beautiful child together. My H is an excellent father and a great guy, which is why I'm so torn with what's been going on lately. I guess, probably about a year ago, maybe two, I feel like we've grown so far apart. It all started with his anger issues, which he never touched me out of anger but would say the meanest, heart breaking things. The last time he did it, which was about six months ago, I threatened to leave him and told him I REFUSE to put up with his verbal abuse anymore, along with his addiction to online poker (with play money-not real, so that's a good thing I suppose!), and our lack of intimacy/passion. I just feel like he is more of a good male friend rather than a husband. I have told him how I feel but just feel like no progress has been made. However, I know he loves me and our child more than anything, so why has it come to this??

Your H is a bullying, verbally abusive, mean-spirited and angry man who refuses to have sex with you and ignores you and your child while he plays online poker? And that makes him a ... great guy? Your own conduct aside, your first step towards fixing anything should be coming to grips with the real terms of your marriage. Step two would then be deciding how to work on the relationship, and I don't think cheating with your boss is the answer ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[starfish36]

Your H is a bullying, verbally abusive, mean-spirited and angry man who refuses to have sex with you and ignores you and your child while he plays online poker? And that makes him a ... great guy? Your own conduct aside, your first step towards fixing anything should be coming to grips with the real terms of your marriage. Step two would then be deciding how to work on the relationship, and I don't think cheating with your boss is the answer ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I should have explained better, Mr. Lucky. My H wants to have sex but I've lost feelings to do so with him. It really does make me sad that I feel this way but it all started when he stopped just physical touching. I want him to at least walk by me and touch my arm...but he doesn't do anything unless it involves sex, so that's an issue to me. And I have explained this to him before....everything that seems to be an issue I've brought to his attention, and if anything changes for the better, it all eventually goes back to the old routine. I feel like I've exhausted every possibility, which is why I partly blame him for where we are at now. Also, he hasn't went on one of his verbal rages for almost 6 months, so hopefully there's progress there. I'm sure I have my problems too but I just feel like I work harder at it to fix them than he does. Sometimes he just seems so "emotionless", just doesn't have much emotion over anything.

[starfish36]

Boy can I relate to you. I will share my

experience, but I can't tell you what to

do.

 

When I found myself in a similar (different addiction)

situation. As soon as I started having "feelings" for

someone I met. I seperated from my husband

pretty quickly. Like within 2 weeks.

 

My H was also verbally abusive. He was

definitely more of a bully than just malicious.

But it was because of his own failings, not mine.

Much like your H's gambling problem causes you

pain (for many reasons) you share/vent (because

I know when you tell him how your feeling

it isn't always sweetness/nice) he becomes

verbally abusive. Am I anywhere close?

 

In comes a new man. He doesn't speak to you

that way. He's warm, he's funny, he sees things

about you that your H no longer does. Makes

you feel things that your H no longer does (mainly

because of problems stemming from his gambling).

Now comes the confusion...

 

Yep BTDT... I seperated for 1 yr. I learned my

H was who I wanted. But it did take that

seperation to show me that. That was

5 yrs ago. All probs since that happened

after that are another story. But things

are better than ever now..

 

I am so glad someone understands me! You completely nailed it when you said, "in comes a new man who sees things about me that my H no longer does". It's so confusing. Maybe we should seperate but I just hate to do that to our child. My H has no idea the extent of how I'm feeling at this point, he would actually probably be shocked, and to be that clueless about everything is sad.

[reboot]

I am so glad someone understands me! You completely nailed it when you said, "in comes a new man who sees things about me that my H no longer does". It's so confusing. Maybe we should seperate but I just hate to do that to our child. My H has no idea the extent of how I'm feeling at this point, he would actually probably be shocked, and to be that clueless about everything is sad.

Have you told HIM this? I agree it's sad if he's clueless, 'cause you should be telling him. Men can be pretty stupid sometimes in the emotional department. The next guy you find is going to be the same. Women need to accept that and learn how to deal with it or turn gay.

 

Seriously, tell him what you're telling us.

[Integra]

Look at what Reboot put into bold letters.

This is very important. One thing I learned

(sadly after the fact) was that my H honestly

had no idea what he was doing to me. No

matter how many times I would say "You're

yelling at me" he didn't get it. Literally 90%

of the time he didn't even realize that he

was doing it. I didn't know how to communicate

w/him in a way that he wasn't feeling attacked.

 

My wanting a seperation came as a complete

surprise to my H. He was devasted. I broke

his heart. Another thing I didn't realize until

it was to late. And boy, did many problems

arise from that down the road.

 

My one biggest piece of advice would be this.

Learn how to communicate with your H. Here's the

2 main reasons my H would raise his voice, bow up

and try to intimidate me.

1) If he had hurt me and he knew it. He didn't know

how to communicate that he felt badly for what

was said or done. He had no idea how to

empathize with someone. So, he would try to

bully me.

2) When he was being defensive. Usually when

he felt like I was attacking him, even if I

wasnn't (at the time). He would bristle

and his voice would get louder and louder,

he would interupt more and more. And then

we would just be in a huge fight.

 

Just to add.. My H never cursed me. NEVER.. Never put

me down..Never threw out negatives about me, but

would throw out plenty of negatives that he self-imposed,

thinking that I felt the same way. And He has NEVER

raised a hand to me or our DS.

[Integra]

My bad. I wrote that it has been

5yrs since my seperation. It's, let's see

here (counting again:p), It's 8 yrs now.

Boy does time fly when there's been

way too much cr*p happen:love:

[cj1988]

I am also in a bind when it comes to communication with my H. We cannot have a decent conversation any longer, always a fight. He is very stubborn and hard headed and somewhat of a know it all. Everything that I have been through this year (see my post, it is f-uped) I still do not have the desire to cheat on him. I have had the chance to have an EA and did not. I have learned to focus on what I WANT and NEED now for me and things are getting a little easier, but still hurtful. I am moving to our lake house in 2 months with or without him, I have to decide what I want now. He hangs out with his buddy every night and thinks that is ok instead of coming home, when I bring it up (even if we are getting along) he says "why would I want to come home to this" not realizing that is why I angry. So, as you see it is a never ending battle that I am really tired of and now need to find me.

 

Do not cheat and leave your marriage because it is over, not for someone else. If he is cheating with you now, he will do it again to you.

[Integra]

I am also in a bind when it comes to communication with my H. We cannot have a decent conversation any longer, always a fight. He is very stubborn and hard headed and somewhat of a know it all. Everything that I have been through this year (see my post, it is f-uped) I still do not have the desire to cheat on him. I have had the chance to have an EA and did not. I have learned to focus on what I WANT and NEED now for me and things are getting a little easier, but still hurtful. I am moving to our lake house in 2 months with or without him, I have to decide what I want now. He hangs out with his buddy every night and thinks that is ok instead of coming home, when I bring it up (even if we are getting along) he says "why would I want to come home to this" not realizing that is why I angry. So, as you see it is a never ending battle that I am really tired of and now need to find me.

 

Do not cheat and leave your marriage because it is over, not for someone else. If he is cheating with you now, he will do it again to you.[/quote

 

 

 

 

My H used to say the exact same thing. His hanging out w/

friends and drinking til' all hours of the night was the

source of many of our problems as well. I understand

having troubles communicating w/that.

 

I was upset that he was alwys out partying. He would

get upset that I was upset that he was out

drinking again.. We sperated for 1 yr. When

we R'd I didn't realize how bad his drinking got

until it was too late. 2yrs in, I didn't see him

sober a single day. So, our fights got worse.

Finally there was a nuclear explosion at our

home. I'm proud to say, H hasn't had a drink

since that night and that was 5 yrs ago.

[Kazan]

i have to say that, for the record, i resent the use of the phrase "good christian family" as if us that are not christians are somehow not good people.

[cj1988]

I believe people no matter what religion can be good and bad. No one is perfect and if you are, your name must be Jesus.

[cj1988]

INTEGRA, do you have any advice on how to stop his drinking/partying? He is 38, ridiculous and hangs out with his 23 best friend that lives with his MOM!

[Integra]

INTEGRA, do you have any advice on how to stop his drinking/partying? He is 38, ridiculous and hangs out with his 23 best friend that lives with his MOM!

 

 

Ohh Boyy!! BTDT!! My H was also mid-late 30's.

Everyone he hung out & partied w/ were

all under the age of 25. None of these other

people were M, and None of them had'

Children.. Here's what the deal was w/ my

H.

 

He felt like cock of the walk around all these

kids. Yes I know a 22-25 yr old isn't technically

a kid. But when your in your 30's w/ a family

there is a big difference. See, when he

was w/ these people. He was the sh&t.. He

was the man. See, he had all the best advice,

he had all this great experience, and could

tell awesome stories.. They all worked together

so he would give them career advice, relationship

advice. While the whole time, his career was

going into the toilet, and so was his marriage.

But see, non of those people knew any of that.

He would be told what a great dad he is. These

people didn't know that he wasn't even seeing

his son anymore because he was out drinking

w/them every night to all hours. Or that when

he was home, he was hung over and tired, so

he would just sleep and yell. That's is just

some of the things that were going on.

 

So for my husband, when he was home,

he felt like a failure. His job was going

crappy, so in turn we were having

financial problems.. He wasn't participating

in our family anymore, so that caused

friction. I was always upset that he was

out every night. More friction. So the

only time, IN HIS MIND, that he felt like

a MAN.. Was when he was out w/ these

other people. So natural progression was

because he felt better about himself when

he was w/ them, the more he wanted to

be w/ them..

 

This is actually a really condensed version..

 

Anyway, he finally screwed up so

bad that he had no choice but to stop.

Well, that is if he still wanted a family.

It took him almost a yr before I was

okay w/ him coming home. That was

alot of work on both of our parts.

[starfish36]

i have to say that, for the record, i resent the use of the phrase "good christian family" as if us that are not christians are somehow not good people.

 

Sorry you took that the wrong way, Kazan. I'm just concerned about how "the Man upstairs" is looking at me in regards to my thoughts and actions with the situation I'm in. I didn't think non-Christians thought of that. It has nothing to do with non-believers being bad people, nothing at all.

[Faith4u]

I am also in a bind when it comes to communication with my H. We cannot have a decent conversation any longer, always a fight. He is very stubborn and hard headed and somewhat of a know it all. Everything that I have been through this year (see my post, it is f-uped) I still do not have the desire to cheat on him. I have had the chance to have an EA and did not. I have learned to focus on what I WANT and NEED now for me and things are getting a little easier, but still hurtful. I am moving to our lake house in 2 months with or without him, I have to decide what I want now. He hangs out with his buddy every night and thinks that is ok instead of coming home, when I bring it up (even if we are getting along) he says "why would I want to come home to this" not realizing that is why I angry. So, as you see it is a never ending battle that I am really tired of and now need to find me.

 

Do not cheat and leave your marriage because it is over, not for someone else. If he is cheating with you now, he will do it again to you.

 

____

 

You said that your H comes late every night and tells you why would I want to come home for this? How rude! Why do you live with that? Is it because you believe he will change?

 

You should leave too at night if that is what he does- If you have children you probalby can't but he needs to understand that you can do what he is doing. Otherwise, why do you have to stay loyal to him? Who says he is not flirting with other women?

[Kazan]

Sorry you took that the wrong way, Kazan. I'm just concerned about how "the Man upstairs" is looking at me in regards to my thoughts and actions with the situation I'm in. I didn't think non-Christians thought of that. It has nothing to do with non-believers being bad people, nothing at all.

 

it certainly implies that non-believers are not good people in your book. the phrase is patently offensive by it's implication.

 

the statement also gives me a clue to your thinking though and many options that could tell me how you got into your current situation.

 

furthermore much of the teaching related to sexuality from the church are extremely harmful to the people, so "good christian house" can also (and usually does also) mean "Sexually repressed house".

 

religion also tends to end up with rushed-into-marriages ("zomg must get married so we can have sex!") or ill fitting marriages (no sex before marriage = no knowledge of libidinous compatibility) and also holds marriages together that should fall apart (like abusive ones)

 

my wife worked at a women's shelter for a while- here is the single true statement of all abusive males: the never get better, but sometimes they get control.

 

Give him a rock solid ultimatum that he will never verbally abuse you again, or you will leave him

[rockerdude]

Well, you got me first to respond...lol I'm more of a realist and I'm not known for beating around the bush.

So you say your a Christian. Me too. Not that I don't have any sin or issues but to me..it is about my faith first.

I hope so for you. It sounds like you are really trying to do what is right.

 

Okay here is where it gets tricky. I honestly think I can help you.

I think this is "the" most perfect scenario of perfectness and disaster that could happen to 2-4 people.

Wow...I REALLY hope I can persuade you "before" it goes bad.

 

The simple is: You have to ask yourself some hard "faith" questions and then decide on the right answer -or- your personal pleasure.

 

In Malachi, God says, basically he hates "treachery" and if you read this in context, he is referring to divorce.

His relationship with Israel was less than what "he" wanted. Matter of fact she as a nation turned away and played the "harlot". He gave her space to repent, she did not, caused Judah to do the same thing BUT Judah repented and he re-married through Judah again. Christ came through Judah.

 

Anyway...so God is a divorcee. Why did he remarry? For his name sake and so HIS name would not become blasphemy amongst the nations. to show mercy, forgiveness, compassion, to heal and to restore his wife, his nation and ultimately us.

 

God desires righteousness in this earth. So that other people may see our behaviour and learn to "honor" what we say we honor. Being that we have taken on HIS name, if we truely have died to our self and are living in Jesus, born again and here to lift him up to the world to save them from the judgement that is to come...we have to honor "the code" so to speak.

 

The hardline is....what does what we want "emotionally" or even "sexually" have to do with being a Christian? Nothing really, which is why Jesus said, it is a narrow path.

Saved we are, but what we will become and what our lives will produce for eternity is what is the real issue.

 

Sorta heavy, sorta sucky...but true nonetheless.

 

Your decision "will" affect your childs view.

What you do will be passed down to him/her.

What you decide "will" affect your husband, how he turns out, how he treats your child, who he gets together with (and he may just do it in an un-godly way) and set an even more bad example for your child PLUS these choices "Will" be somewhat out of your control and that of your child.

Not to mention the spiritual forces that come into play.

The adversary comes, Jesus said, "To kill, steal & destroy"...!

His plan IS to break up "marriages", "ruin" childrens lives", "ruin or spoil spouses lives" etc.

God is not always nice in the sense that, we always get what we want.

He delievered Israel and led them to the desert...not a pretty place.

He was testing their hearts....did they want to be like the world -or- follow him?

They grew weary of waiting, they went back to "eating, drinking and basically partying"...all but a few.

When "we go our own way" and "follow the desires of our hearts" .."rather than" do what is right...there is always, always a price to pay.

The bible says the "pleasures of sin" seem good for a season, but yield bad fruit in the end.

How much have you really tried to deal with your marriage? No judgement, just asking.

It IS always easier to find someone else. I got along with several friends of my ex wife, my co-workers, there was always someone who I ended up getting along with and being attracted to "more than" my wife.

 

No, I didn't do it. lol.

She did though...another story. I have had a Hosea type of marriage.

 

Anyway... let me use her as an example.

I was 22, not a great husband, naive at best about women.

She met a guy who looked Identical.

Was 10 years older, wiser, richer, more accomplished in every exact area as my own life.

He was a musician, Wallpaper hanger, had good equipment & lots of it-I had a drumset, he had a house -we rented, he had a good job-mine not so good, he was a Bible study leader-me an up and coming prophet...you get the point.

My wife was a beautiful model. with 2 kids at this point and frustrated with me.

 

I was out of town, finally got the "good" job.

And she found what seemed to be a perfect man.

He even wrote her songs and sang them on Piano. They loved to talk about the same things. Like you ...they finished each others sentances etc.

 

They went ahead and fell into bed and shortly after...he revealed himself for who he really was...a deciever, pure and simple.

But she was too, they both decieved themselves and each other, because they were living from their "flesh" not the Spirit of God.

They both know now that even IF they would have waited for her to divorce...it would not have worked out.

BUt thyey both would not have believed it, before that it would not work out, while they were just playing with the idea.

 

Sounds like you and this guy are really trying to do what is right.

BUt it really is simple.

I, you, we all can find several other people that could make us happy but...

Do we really want to become harlots, divorcees, whoremongers & whores in the process, selling ourselves and our families, our marriages and our children out for ..a more pleasureable life?

 

One that does not come with God's approval or the benefits of Spiritual sanctity.

Do we really want "ichabod" over our doors, which means "God's spirit has left the building"?

 

The bible says that "even if" your spouse is an "unbeleiver" but wants to stay, you shouldn't divorce him or her..wow!

 

I'm not saying it is easy or feels good, but it is the right thing to do and there is a blessing on your life for being faithful.

Whenever we sin, we are in rebellion and it opens the door that cannot be closed..at least not in a marriage situation. It hurts "everyone's lives" involved...and they will never be the same again.

 

You have to make a firm decision to do what is right. Settle it in your heart with God.

Say it matter of factly, without remorse or any longings to the OM and wish him well and due to the fact that you have grown so close, walking away from the job is necessary and in order. It ain't worth the price and the temptation.

 

You have done so well.....I personally am proud of you that you didn't sleep together etc.

Our freedom affects so much and so many people doesn't it? God has given us such power but with it comes responsibility.

What IS the rule of law in your heart? Without a basis for doing what you do, you are in effect "tossed about by every wind of doctrine" etc.

We have to be on the rock. It is Christ and he "died" for us in our relationship with him, while we were in ouir sins and mocking him no doubt, calling him a fraud, beating him for telling us to do right etc....

BUt he died "knowing" what it would produce in the end.

This is real love.

Again I ask, How much have you loved your husband and have you been willing to die for him over his faults? Willing to pray for his soul? Him to change? IF and when you tell God you are willing to do what is right, does he not hear you? Will he not make it right...BASED on your faithfulness and his faithfulness to you?

 

God will not violate his word. People who pray to get out of their "marriages" when it is already clear, end up getting deceived. God will allow you to "think" that it is all falling into place....but he is always testing your heart...looking for those that are.."faithful". Without faith it is impossible to please him. Faith is that, what he said , he said for a reason and it does in fact yeild good fruit.

 

God can change people or God can remove them from your life, without you having to become a "covenant" breaker.

Is it what you "need" or what you want?

 

I still want my ex-wife. It isn't what I need. God had her divorce me. She even said,"I heard God tell me to do it."

Fine. But she has been in rebellion to this day and I'm sure God will deal with her about that, right now he is protectng ME. She is the one who has broken covenant, told God she couldn't "honor" me, and she is the one who seems to have once again...had an affair. I beleive she is deceived, has mental issues and is in rebellion and denial. Not only has she done all of this, but she mocks me for telling her, she should have done what is right.

She thinks God gave her an "OK", I say maybe he did, but for what purpose?

He & I have both waited 18 years for her to quit kicking and screaming about not getting what she felt she deserved.

But what I deserved was her loyalty. I forgave her for 2 adulteries. Yet she walks away when things get uncomfortable.

Oh everything in her life right now is "peachy" but I know this...God doesn't allow us to break covenant without reaping the fruit of betrayal of that vow.

 

The vow "has to be" more important than the parties involved or it has no power at all. When we divorce...how can God be for us, when he says he hates it?

 

Unless it is for adultery, he doesn't approve. So if we walk out from under his authority and power...who's do you think you will be under then?

 

In the words of Dana Carvey, playing the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live, "Humm, could it be...SATAN!" laughs

 

So all of this is or has been really based on the spiritual authority, the law, the do what is right thing etc. ....Right?

 

But we either get up on the truth "the tree of life" or we dwell in "the tree of knowledge of good and evil", our own reasonings and end up wrestling with ...is it good or is it evil?

 

That is why God makes it so clear and easy. It is not a dogmatic, narrow minded faith as some would say. It is an easy, well laid out, simple path , that allows us freedom.

 

But if we do not choose what God chooses, are we really free?

And if we do, will he not dwell among us and have fellowship with us?

 

I'd rather fellowship with God and have a crappy marriage, but know I did the right thing.

Than to be happy in a relationship with a person and under the judgment for going my own way and causing others to do the same.

 

For a true Christian, it is about choosing God's way or our own.

It is more important for your child to see how "prayer" really does change things. And to see your character, amidst the trials of life, come through...than to see you just go where the grass is greener, and then to the next one etc.

What does that say about relationships meaning "anything" if we do this?

 

If we want them to mean anything then "we" have to put that meaning in them. It is not just for better or almost bad...lol

 

yes it is not always what we want, but we either serve a higher standard or we have none.

We either prove or faith or we are faithless.

We either love through it all or we have no love at all.

What you want IS passion, romance, or whatever...I understand this... but I admonish you to...do what is right.

If you should decide to be with this OM. Please for the life of you, your Husband & child tell him first before you commit adultery.

Don't let stupid lust, cause so much hurt & pain. Be an adult and do the right thing not the selfish thing.

If you do stay with your H, and haven't commited sexual sin, pray about if and how you might or might not deal with this with your H in the future.

God can & will lead you.

Remember this if nothing else...YOU are worth More to God in HONORING HIM and HE YOU than either of these men!!!!

Honor God, yourself, your family, your marriage, your husband, your vows, your faith and I can gaurantee that you will end up well pleased...and happy in the end.

 

David waited under Sauls authority, Daniel in Jail waited, etc we have to wait on God to lift us up and make our lives what they need to be. When we rebel against the authority of our spouses or our vows, we lose that power in our lives and come under judgement. Judgment that neither you nor this man will be able to avoid.

Your husband isn't trying to kill you, like Saul did David. Your not in jail like Daniel, from his brothers selling him away to strangers, you need to be like Ester, David, Daniel, etc and be willing to work through this, within your position and vows in life.

God is obviously dealig with your husbands heart, he is addicted to gambling because he has a need that he is not surrendering to God. He has some hidden thing in his life past or present that he is trying to resolve...gambling just makes him feel he won from time to time. Pray about it and you will see. Love him, like you would want to be loved, follow God and he will bless you & your marriage.

 

I pray you can do the right thing, I know it is hard and not fun.

Hope this helps,

David

[cj1988]

ROCKERDUDE, you ROCK.

 

I came in this mornig feeling bad for myself. It is my 41 birthday today and I have alot going on...my son leaves for college in a month (he is my baby) I am letting one of my houses go and moving to another etc. I read your LONG reply and it made my day.

 

I believe that GOD is with me even when I am wondering why I am going through all this pain, I have never doubted he is not here guiding me. I do not want a divorce and I am doing everything I can to keep my marriage. I just feel so helpless and as if he wants a divorce and cannot do it. He is not a bad guy, but he is not the same to me now after what happened or did not happen with the OW. (look at my threads, be ready to barf) Everyone that knows me and loves tells me to leave him and should have by now (we have been fighting for years about stupid crap) and he deos not treat me well now. My problem is that if he did do it, he has not shown any remorse at all and is not the same emotionally towards me as well. It is like he is just there. I am afraid he may be in love with her now and not me, but may be trying to get over it. If he did not do anything and he is innocent, he may have lost the love he once had because of it. I do not believe he is totally innocent at all in the emotional area in regards to the OW, may not have been physical, but it was mental for sure (tape of them on the phone proved that).

 

You said GOD will allow a divorce to happen when adultery in involved, is that right or did I read it wrong? If so, and it happens I will know ge allowed it for MY good. I just pray that he helps my husband straighten out whatever he is going through and that he can find his way back to me so we can move on.

[starfish36]

Well, you got me first to respond...lol I'm more of a realist and I'm not known for beating around the bush.

So you say your a Christian. Me too. Not that I don't have any sin or issues but to me..it is about my faith first.

I hope so for you. It sounds like you are really trying to do what is right.

 

Okay here is where it gets tricky. I honestly think I can help you.

I think this is "the" most perfect scenario of perfectness and disaster that could happen to 2-4 people.

Wow...I REALLY hope I can persuade you "before" it goes bad.

 

The simple is: You have to ask yourself some hard "faith" questions and then decide on the right answer -or- your personal pleasure.

 

In Malachi, God says, basically he hates "treachery" and if you read this in context, he is referring to divorce.

His relationship with Israel was less than what "he" wanted. Matter of fact she as a nation turned away and played the "harlot". He gave her space to repent, she did not, caused Judah to do the same thing BUT Judah repented and he re-married through Judah again. Christ came through Judah.

 

Anyway...so God is a divorcee. Why did he remarry? For his name sake and so HIS name would not become blasphemy amongst the nations. to show mercy, forgiveness, compassion, to heal and to restore his wife, his nation and ultimately us.

 

God desires righteousness in this earth. So that other people may see our behaviour and learn to "honor" what we say we honor. Being that we have taken on HIS name, if we truely have died to our self and are living in Jesus, born again and here to lift him up to the world to save them from the judgement that is to come...we have to honor "the code" so to speak.

 

The hardline is....what does what we want "emotionally" or even "sexually" have to do with being a Christian? Nothing really, which is why Jesus said, it is a narrow path.

Saved we are, but what we will become and what our lives will produce for eternity is what is the real issue.

 

Sorta heavy, sorta sucky...but true nonetheless.

 

Your decision "will" affect your childs view.

What you do will be passed down to him/her.

What you decide "will" affect your husband, how he turns out, how he treats your child, who he gets together with (and he may just do it in an un-godly way) and set an even more bad example for your child PLUS these choices "Will" be somewhat out of your control and that of your child.

Not to mention the spiritual forces that come into play.

The adversary comes, Jesus said, "To kill, steal & destroy"...!

His plan IS to break up "marriages", "ruin" childrens lives", "ruin or spoil spouses lives" etc.

God is not always nice in the sense that, we always get what we want.

He delievered Israel and led them to the desert...not a pretty place.

He was testing their hearts....did they want to be like the world -or- follow him?

They grew weary of waiting, they went back to "eating, drinking and basically partying"...all but a few.

When "we go our own way" and "follow the desires of our hearts" .."rather than" do what is right...there is always, always a price to pay.

The bible says the "pleasures of sin" seem good for a season, but yield bad fruit in the end.

How much have you really tried to deal with your marriage? No judgement, just asking.

It IS always easier to find someone else. I got along with several friends of my ex wife, my co-workers, there was always someone who I ended up getting along with and being attracted to "more than" my wife.

 

No, I didn't do it. lol.

She did though...another story. I have had a Hosea type of marriage.

 

Anyway... let me use her as an example.

I was 22, not a great husband, naive at best about women.

She met a guy who looked Identical.

Was 10 years older, wiser, richer, more accomplished in every exact area as my own life.

He was a musician, Wallpaper hanger, had good equipment & lots of it-I had a drumset, he had a house -we rented, he had a good job-mine not so good, he was a Bible study leader-me an up and coming prophet...you get the point.

My wife was a beautiful model. with 2 kids at this point and frustrated with me.

 

I was out of town, finally got the "good" job.

And she found what seemed to be a perfect man.

He even wrote her songs and sang them on Piano. They loved to talk about the same things. Like you ...they finished each others sentances etc.

 

They went ahead and fell into bed and shortly after...he revealed himself for who he really was...a deciever, pure and simple.

But she was too, they both decieved themselves and each other, because they were living from their "flesh" not the Spirit of God.

They both know now that even IF they would have waited for her to divorce...it would not have worked out.

BUt thyey both would not have believed it, before that it would not work out, while they were just playing with the idea.

 

Sounds like you and this guy are really trying to do what is right.

BUt it really is simple.

I, you, we all can find several other people that could make us happy but...

Do we really want to become harlots, divorcees, whoremongers & whores in the process, selling ourselves and our families, our marriages and our children out for ..a more pleasureable life?

 

One that does not come with God's approval or the benefits of Spiritual sanctity.

Do we really want "ichabod" over our doors, which means "God's spirit has left the building"?

 

The bible says that "even if" your spouse is an "unbeleiver" but wants to stay, you shouldn't divorce him or her..wow!

 

I'm not saying it is easy or feels good, but it is the right thing to do and there is a blessing on your life for being faithful.

Whenever we sin, we are in rebellion and it opens the door that cannot be closed..at least not in a marriage situation. It hurts "everyone's lives" involved...and they will never be the same again.

 

You have to make a firm decision to do what is right. Settle it in your heart with God.

Say it matter of factly, without remorse or any longings to the OM and wish him well and due to the fact that you have grown so close, walking away from the job is necessary and in order. It ain't worth the price and the temptation.

 

You have done so well.....I personally am proud of you that you didn't sleep together etc.

Our freedom affects so much and so many people doesn't it? God has given us such power but with it comes responsibility.

What IS the rule of law in your heart? Without a basis for doing what you do, you are in effect "tossed about by every wind of doctrine" etc.

We have to be on the rock. It is Christ and he "died" for us in our relationship with him, while we were in ouir sins and mocking him no doubt, calling him a fraud, beating him for telling us to do right etc....

BUt he died "knowing" what it would produce in the end.

This is real love.

Again I ask, How much have you loved your husband and have you been willing to die for him over his faults? Willing to pray for his soul? Him to change? IF and when you tell God you are willing to do what is right, does he not hear you? Will he not make it right...BASED on your faithfulness and his faithfulness to you?

 

God will not violate his word. People who pray to get out of their "marriages" when it is already clear, end up getting deceived. God will allow you to "think" that it is all falling into place....but he is always testing your heart...looking for those that are.."faithful". Without faith it is impossible to please him. Faith is that, what he said , he said for a reason and it does in fact yeild good fruit.

 

God can change people or God can remove them from your life, without you having to become a "covenant" breaker.

Is it what you "need" or what you want?

 

I still want my ex-wife. It isn't what I need. God had her divorce me. She even said,"I heard God tell me to do it."

Fine. But she has been in rebellion to this day and I'm sure God will deal with her about that, right now he is protectng ME. She is the one who has broken covenant, told God she couldn't "honor" me, and she is the one who seems to have once again...had an affair. I beleive she is deceived, has mental issues and is in rebellion and denial. Not only has she done all of this, but she mocks me for telling her, she should have done what is right.

She thinks God gave her an "OK", I say maybe he did, but for what purpose?

He & I have both waited 18 years for her to quit kicking and screaming about not getting what she felt she deserved.

But what I deserved was her loyalty. I forgave her for 2 adulteries. Yet she walks away when things get uncomfortable.

Oh everything in her life right now is "peachy" but I know this...God doesn't allow us to break covenant without reaping the fruit of betrayal of that vow.

 

The vow "has to be" more important than the parties involved or it has no power at all. When we divorce...how can God be for us, when he says he hates it?

 

Unless it is for adultery, he doesn't approve. So if we walk out from under his authority and power...who's do you think you will be under then?

 

In the words of Dana Carvey, playing the Church Lady on Saturday Night Live, "Humm, could it be...SATAN!" laughs

 

So all of this is or has been really based on the spiritual authority, the law, the do what is right thing etc. ....Right?

 

But we either get up on the truth "the tree of life" or we dwell in "the tree of knowledge of good and evil", our own reasonings and end up wrestling with ...is it good or is it evil?

 

That is why God makes it so clear and easy. It is not a dogmatic, narrow minded faith as some would say. It is an easy, well laid out, simple path , that allows us freedom.

 

But if we do not choose what God chooses, are we really free?

And if we do, will he not dwell among us and have fellowship with us?

 

I'd rather fellowship with God and have a crappy marriage, but know I did the right thing.

Than to be happy in a relationship with a person and under the judgment for going my own way and causing others to do the same.

 

For a true Christian, it is about choosing God's way or our own.

It is more important for your child to see how "prayer" really does change things. And to see your character, amidst the trials of life, come through...than to see you just go where the grass is greener, and then to the next one etc.

What does that say about relationships meaning "anything" if we do this?

 

If we want them to mean anything then "we" have to put that meaning in them. It is not just for better or almost bad...lol

 

yes it is not always what we want, but we either serve a higher standard or we have none.

We either prove or faith or we are faithless.

We either love through it all or we have no love at all.

What you want IS passion, romance, or whatever...I understand this... but I admonish you to...do what is right.

If you should decide to be with this OM. Please for the life of you, your Husband & child tell him first before you commit adultery.

Don't let stupid lust, cause so much hurt & pain. Be an adult and do the right thing not the selfish thing.

If you do stay with your H, and haven't commited sexual sin, pray about if and how you might or might not deal with this with your H in the future.

God can & will lead you.

Remember this if nothing else...YOU are worth More to God in HONORING HIM and HE YOU than either of these men!!!!

Honor God, yourself, your family, your marriage, your husband, your vows, your faith and I can gaurantee that you will end up well pleased...and happy in the end.

 

David waited under Sauls authority, Daniel in Jail waited, etc we have to wait on God to lift us up and make our lives what they need to be. When we rebel against the authority of our spouses or our vows, we lose that power in our lives and come under judgement. Judgment that neither you nor this man will be able to avoid.

Your husband isn't trying to kill you, like Saul did David. Your not in jail like Daniel, from his brothers selling him away to strangers, you need to be like Ester, David, Daniel, etc and be willing to work through this, within your position and vows in life.

God is obviously dealig with your husbands heart, he is addicted to gambling because he has a need that he is not surrendering to God. He has some hidden thing in his life past or present that he is trying to resolve...gambling just makes him feel he won from time to time. Pray about it and you will see. Love him, like you would want to be loved, follow God and he will bless you & your marriage.

 

I pray you can do the right thing, I know it is hard and not fun.

Hope this helps,

David

 

Thank you for your advice, David. I can really tell that all came straight from your heart!

 

You know what I keep thinking based on my Christianity? First of all, the OM wants to be involved more with the church, which I am very involved with. My H is a different religion which hasn't really bothered me, I was just glad he participated. For a long time now I wish he would convert so we could get involved together as a family in church. (ex.: communing together, bible studies, choir....etc.) I just feel like he doesn't take it as seriously as I do. (and yet here I'm the one out having an affair.....) So that's the first thing I think about. Not only that, my H doesn't want anymore children, which I REALLY do. We do not enjoy the same things anymore and just live together more as like what I called it earlier in my original thread, "best friends". We don't have the love/intimacy that should be in a marriage. So here is why I get confused......shouldn't God want me to experience an amazing marriage, which would involve the greatest love as well as a strong participation in the church/with God? It just seems like me and the OM fit. I hate even calling him the "other man" because I swear we are perfect for one another. I don't think we should have to "settle" in love or for marriage, people can have happiness/love WITH God leading them. Sometimes I feel like this is a test from God and think that I'm supposed to follow through with the other man b/c in the end it will STRENGTHEN my faith and relationship with God. And why all the signs??? I always get signs OUT OF NOWHERE that point to the OM. I used to ignore the signs but I thought maybe He was speaking to me so basically I said, "ok, I'm listening!" I feel like I've even had a confirmation with signs yesterday.

 

I just feel like at this point there is someone out there better for my H and my OM is better for me. Seriously, the deep conversations me and the OM have had are just unexplainable. We understand each other to a "T"! I'm just scared and feel so stuck. Thanks for your prayers and advice, really appreciate it. Actually, I'm going to go back through your reply and read it again.

[Cobra_X30]

 

So here is why I get confused......shouldn't God want me to experience an amazing marriage, which would involve the greatest love as well as a strong participation in the church/with God? It just seems like me and the OM fit. I hate even calling him the "other man" because I swear we are perfect for one another. I don't think we should have to "settle" in love or for marriage, people can have happiness/love WITH God leading them. Sometimes I feel like this is a test from God and think that I'm supposed to follow through with the other man b/c in the end it will STRENGTHEN my faith and relationship with God. And why all the signs??? I always get signs OUT OF NOWHERE that point to the OM. I used to ignore the signs but I thought maybe He was speaking to me so basically I said, "ok, I'm listening!" I feel like I've even had a confirmation with signs yesterday.

 

I just feel like at this point there is someone out there better for my H and my OM is better for me.

 

I've underlined the parts where I think we both know you are incorrect.

 

God wants you to live a life for him! You are unequally yoked and you know this. However, your eyes should not be focused in this life! Thats not the point of the gospel. God did not put you on this earth to simply experience a wonderful marriage. Your particpation in the church is not dependant on your husband. Essentially your argument is that having a different man will increase your faith. Do you see the flaw in that thinking?

 

God does not ask you to break his commandments! If this is a test then it is a test in the opposite direction you are thinking. Right now you are engaged in an Emotional Affair, and Coveting another womans husband! God does not want that! And do not think that it would be rightous in the eyes of God to take this womans husband from her and to set your's aside! In my opinion God gave you the husband you have now... thus in my mind you are questioning God's judgement.

 

Your test is to get to work on your marriage and make it right! If the signs you are seeing lead you towards sinning... I doubt that it comes from God.

 

I think you are a good person. I think you are bieng tested very hard! I know that God will never test you beyond your ability to resist.

 

You have my prayers.

[starfish36]

Well, even as an atheist I know better than 2 2nd guess what your god wants or doesn't want. Doesn't it bother you at all that you're being so arrogant with this?

 

 

 

At the moment, you are "perfect" for one another.

 

*you are both liars.

 

*you are both cheating on your spouses.

 

* you are both "thieves" because you've robbed your spouses from the promise you gave them of a monogamous relationship. Remember "Forsake all others?"

 

*You both are going against everything taught by your church.

 

*You both have broken moral compasses.

 

*You both lack personal integrity.

 

*You are both selfish.

 

*You are both irresponsible.

 

I could go on...

 

 

 

I believe this 2, again even though I'm not religious. But this is NOT what you are doing.

 

 

 

I also believe this. Life is full of tests and lessons we need 2 learn. "For better or for worse" applies here. This is one of the "worse" times in your marriage. Yes, this can be viewed as a test from God, if you will. Problem is that you are failing miserably, so long as you believe that passing the test involves breaking up 2 marriages (ordained by God) 2 pursue this fantasy with the OM (the MARRIED OM, by the way, in case you forgot).

 

 

 

Those are "Get this man out of your life NOW" signs. You just can't read.

 

 

 

Excuse me while I go hurl my lunch.

 

Good luck, you'll need it.

-ol' 2long

 

Ouch! I've been waiting on a reply like this one.....Yes I'd agree with part of it. I feel like I'm going through one of the roughest patches in my life right now and just hope I'm guided in the right direction. I could go on but need a rest from this page......it's draining.

[reboot]

You're being guided, but not by any God that I've ever read about.