hopeforlove243 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 My ex is the one dumped me, but insists that we should be friends, cause he enjoys talking to me, hang out with me etc. I finally managed to start NC with him since Oct. 2(a week ago). He started calling me since Sunday night (Oct. 7th), I ignored them, and he didn't leave any message till this morning, asking me to call him back. I just saw that he called me again without leaving a message. I want to answer his call, but I know it is not doing good for myself, I need to get detached from him, but I don't know how long I can hold it if he keeps calling like this. How do you all handle it in this situation? Thanks.
datingmum Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I've never been as good as you've been...5 days is an eternity when you are in pain.... However, I don't necessarily believe in strict NC. I would suggest returning his call, bright and breezy, no big deal! When he asks how you are "fine! I've been busy doing xyz!" That's what you say if he asks why you haven't been answering. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe NC can be a bad thing, in that it makes you look even MORE 'in love' and 'desperate' because you're wiping away the fact that you've been 'friends' for so long. I would only suggest complete NC in the case of unrepentant cheaters, guys who just want to sleep with you not get back together, or if he used you as a sounding board for his new relationships.
datingmum Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 But my current ex is fairly persistant. He rings all three of my phones, then comes over if I don't answer for a long period of time. He WILL be heard. I would probably have to change phones, move towns, etc if I refused to speak to him ever again.
MartianChronicles Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 my ex has been doing the same, more or less since he dumped me (end of july). he says he's worried for me, that we should be friends (with benefit...), and that he loves me still, though he's not in love with me anymore i only see that as an attempt to exert some control over me and my feelings. anyway... if you feel it, answer the phone, try to sound smart and keep the conversation on a friendly level, which means no tears and possibly no emotion shown. if you think you can't keep it up, cut it short, something like "oh, i was happy to hear from you, but now i have to go, i'm very busy" etc etc. be smart and self confident. or at least pretend you are!
datingmum Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 How do you know your boyfriend 'loves you' but is not 'in love with you?' Uh oh, have you been trying to have 'the conversation' with him? Best trick I've learned is to just AGREE and say "We had good times and we did love one another, but you're right - i'm not in love with you anymore either".
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 He's only maintaining a friendship with you to relieve HIS guilt and to keep you on a string. You're best bet is to cut him off until any romantic feelings for him are lost. And even then, I doubt you'll want his friendship. There's nothing he can give you as a friend that you can not find with other friends.
carolinaboy Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I feel for you! My ex dumped me and she has called 7 times and showed up at my work just the other day. We've been broken up for almost 3 mos and I can't really move on cos I feel good then she'll call and sound all happy and ask to hang out and it bums me out. The weird part is I dont want to get back together with her, I just want her to tell me she misses me and show some emotion over our relationship ending instead of treating me like I'm a child for not being able to be her chum. Good luck. Everyone here is right to say that although NC is hard, it is necessary to get back on your feet. Use the site, friends that arent bored of hearing your emotions, when he calls def. sound happy or strong. I think I made the mistake of thinking that telling my ex how upset I was actually made her feel more happy about her decision (even though I wanted her to see the reality of how I feel). Tell your ex to get a clue and leave you be til you feel like he is just friend material.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 I was doing good till tonight. His calls just keep me thinking about him. I told myself that I would answer his call if he calls again, I can't hold it anymore
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Get call block or a new phone number. You'll find that any forward momentum you've gained, will disappear. Do yourself a favour and don't answer.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Get call block or a new phone number. You'll find that any forward momentum you've gained, will disappear. Do yourself a favour and don't answer. He calls my cell, my work and my home And now, I feel I miss him so much that I am really thinking about picking up the phone to call him back. This is so hard, it is only a week of NC... :(:(
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I know how you feel. It's not easy. They leave a void in your life. The more you keep in touch, the longer it will take you to get over them. This has been my experience. The first few weeks are the worst. After that, it does get easier if you're determined to move on. Chin up, sweetie, you can do it.
MartianChronicles Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 How do you know your boyfriend 'loves you' but is not 'in love with you?' Uh oh, have you been trying to have 'the conversation' with him? Best trick I've learned is to just AGREE and say "We had good times and we did love one another, but you're right - i'm not in love with you anymore either". how do i know? he told me... that was one of the reasons we broke, actually i said "one of the reasons" and yes, i had the conversation with him. every time he calls and i feel like answering the phone, i try to sound cool and calm. there's no reason to let him know he's straining my nerves
ijustwannago Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 is right. Don't give in. he is not your friend you know all that already. be true to you. if it is really hard on you change you home number, let him know that you can no longer take calls at work and do not answer your cell when he calls. if you have no other choice keep it short. curt. polite and empty of feeling and emotion.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 So, I gave in, talked to him briefly last night. He asked me if I am free today, I said 'no', he asked if we could hang out, I said 'no', he asked me if I could gave him a ride when he takes his car to shop, I said 'ask your other friends'. He said I am so mean to him, I just said 'good night, bye' then hang up. I couldn't sleep after that, and I woke up in the middle of night to think about him. At least I didn't cry this time. I still love this guy, even though he cheated on me, and now, he might never call me again. Today is going to be tough day for me
CaliGuy Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I still love this guy, even though he cheated on me, and now, he might never call me again. Today is going to be tough day for me He doesn't love you if you can cheat on him, so why does he deserve your time at all?
Author hopeforlove243 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 He doesn't love you if you can cheat on him, so why does he deserve your time at all? You mean 'He doesn't love me if HE can cheat on ME', right? Ya, I know, he doesn't deserve my time, yet, love is blind We did share a LOT of interests, and we had very good time together, that made me thought HE is the one :( I just hope I can move on, not breaking NC again
datingmum Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Have you asked him why he cheated? Has he truly answered honestly? Personally, after all the anger and anguish had died down, I'd want to know. but I'd probably request a detailed explanation by letter! good luck my dear, I know exactly how you feel.
CaliGuy Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 You mean 'He doesn't love me if HE can cheat on ME', right? Ya, I know, he doesn't deserve my time, yet, love is blind We did share a LOT of interests, and we had very good time together, that made me thought HE is the one :( I just hope I can move on, not breaking NC again Yes that is what I meant. You can move on and WILL when you decide to respect yourself.
wizer Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Your ex is being completely selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. He dumped you but wants you to be there as his friend. It's easy for him, because he doesn't have feelings for you and he is completely in control of the situation. What's fun for him is a world of pain for you. The ONLY thing you can do is maintain no-contact. Until you no longer think about the guy so much and he gradually becomes a distant memory. You cannot be friends with this person. The short term emotional relief you get from briefly contacting him will be washed away by an overwhelming flood of hurt. It's so not worth it. Just keep telling yourself that.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Thank you, I will try NC again and not breaking it. I wonder if anyone actually can be friend with their ex after moving on.
wizer Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 It happens, but only rarely. There is usually way too much emotion involved, at least on one side.
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