Els Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 First, a little about my situation. I have been with this guy for 8 mths already, with the last 2-3 being semi long distance. As in, he lives about 5 hours away, and as we are both students we see each other about once a month, for about a week. The last weeklong visit just ended, however, and despite it being the 3rd time I had to see him leave, it hit me pretty hard. I am not a person generally given to drama and depression, but god it HURT. It hurt so much in fact that I questioned myself, is it really worth it? Before this (it is my first serious relationship) I was perfectly happy with my introverted single life routine. Then he came and showed me happiness that in my youth I'd never thought existed. I'm sure you people know the bliss of the first relationship -- having someone who understands you perfectly and you them, spending many sweet nights and days together... and counting down the days to when it must end, again. To add to my worry, the distance will get worse. In about 4 mths' time, he will leave for a foreign country to further his studies, and I will remain here. There is absolutely nothing that either of us can do, that will not ruin our future, that is. If even this is hurting so much, how about the 3 years to come? To add, no, I do not believe in THE ONE per se. However, I still believe that potential soulmateS are few and far and between, and only one may ever come into your life at the right time and the right place. And I believe that he is one of them. But why stay in something that will hurt so much, for so long? To those who decided to, what were your reasons? How did you manage it? I fear that due to my immaturity, pampered life and inability to hold my neediness in check (entirely my own opinion, not his), I may not have the strength to go through with this. And I may regret that in the future. Any thoughts are welcome.
love4ever Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Your situaton sounds pretty similar to mine. This is my first serious relationship and my first (hopefully last ) LDR. The first 8 months or so was the worst because I kept wondering what was the point? Why should I go through this pain when I could just end it and be perfectly fine but of course wondering what might have been. All I keep thinking is that I know this will be worth it in the end. After a certain point I sort of got used to it...I just came to terms with knowing this is how it is going to be. Even though I was perfectly fine being single he brings me happiness that I've never had and enough strength for the both of us to get through it. I am very needy as well so we talk almost everyday and are completely honest with each other. When I am in a bad mood because I am sick and tired of not being able to see him whenever I want I let him know and he cheers me up and I know he feels the same way. All you need is honesty, trust and love(if your at that point) to get through this.
wizer Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 LDRs are not worth the pain and loneliness that goes along with not being able to see the person for an extended time. Throw in the temptation of getting hooked up with someone locally; all the lost opportunities to do things together; IMHO it's just not worth it, as long as there are possibilities close to home.
Haner Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 LDRs are not worth the pain and loneliness that goes along with not being able to see the person for an extended time. Throw in the temptation of getting hooked up with someone locally; all the lost opportunities to do things together; IMHO it's just not worth it, as long as there are possibilities close to home. With such a morbid view of LDRs, i'm surprised you think ANY relationship is "worth it." Cheaters use the same rationale you do.
wizer Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 With such a morbid view of LDRs, i'm surprised you think ANY relationship is "worth it." Cheaters use the same rationale you do. It's impossible for cheaters to use the same rationale, unless they are geographically separated from their significant other, in which case, absolutely, the same principal applies. 99.9% of the time, when there is an affair, both parties are living under the same roof at the time. So your logic is about 99.9% flawed.
Sooshaboo Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Heey! Well the question you need to ask yourself is how serious this could possibly get in couple of years time? I mean on one side you both are very serious about each other, think you are right for each other, so u go on with the ldr, it will be tough but worth it in the end as u know what you are working towards - marriage. if thats not the case, you could still go on with the relationship and see how far you get. In my case, i was a bit more lucky as me and by bf spend almost 2 years together before i had to go to another city and now im facing sortoff the same dilemma - i will be away from him for 3 years, staying in ldr for 3 years is a LONG time, im wondering whether it will lead anywhere in the end, hes serious so am I, but by the end of the day, if it doesnt work out after 3 years of ldr, i think i will blame myself for not splitting up earlier so we could both be free to find someone who was readily available for a relationship. hope im making sense. so in your case, i think its sort of similar, the only difference is obviously that u havent been together that long before u separated so i assume you dont know him that well. (i might be wrong here). sorry for not being much help here.
Author Els Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks, love4ever, that really helped. Yeah, Sooshaboo, I too wish we'd had longer... but I also think the time we had together was enough, just barely enough, to help us decide what we really wanted. Had it even been just 2 months less, I believe we might have decided differently. We aren't the type of people to go about making commitments lightly. Wizer: I'm posting here because I believe that most of the people here would be of a balanced opinion regarding LDRs -- that they can work for some people, but not for some. I'm here to get feedback and help regarding MY particular case, and if you are of the opinion that all LDRs don't work, well, please start your own debate thread, don't do it here. All in all, it's quite tolerable, especially since I still see him comparatively often. During the times when I don't, there is sufficient contact to keep things going, to make me (and hopefully him) feel contented and cared for and wanted. But it becomes hard to accept when I think about what we could have, what so many people around us are fortunate to have. It's the longing for what we used to be able to have so easily that hurts, even though the relationship as it is is probably still going really well for a LDR.
Pentula77 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Imo long distance relationships are lame. If people in LDR's wanted to be together they'd be together. Especially in todays globalised society...I would say more often than not that in a LDR it's the woman that is courting male attention without the intimacy. That's all I have to say about LDR's. As for the OP, move on, date other guys. Stop wasting your life.
Author Els Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 You obviously read neither of my posts except perhaps for the 'LDR' word. How about the second last paragraph right above you, or the fact that we're both students? Next.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I myself think that you really neeeeeeeeeeeed the experiences with the strong feelings, (both of the "great" variety and of the "painful" variety) which come along with the relationship you have. Once upon a time somebody wrote to Dear Abby and said approximately the following: "Dear Abby, I am 33 years old, and I've always wanted to go to college and to med school to become a doctor. If I drop everything now, and start school for 4 years, and then go to med school for another 4 years, I'll be an intern at age 41. Do you think I should bother pursuing this dream?" Her response: "And what will you be in eight years if you don't choose that path?" To you this should read: what are your options likely to be (realistically, and for you... the "introverted" one... NOT as the average college student at the average college) if you cease this long-term relationship you have now?
catrocks Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Imo long distance relationships are lame. If people in LDR's wanted to be together they'd be together. Especially in todays globalised society...I would say more often than not that in a LDR it's the woman that is courting male attention without the intimacy. That's all I have to say about LDR's. As for the OP, move on, date other guys. Stop wasting your life. LDRs are not for everyone, but sometimes life throws us situations where we can't be with the person we love for months or years.... Some people may not be able to afford to move across the world or country, or to transfer to another college to be with that person, but that does not mean that their relationship is any less real. Nor does it mean it's forever. If that's your opinion of LDRs then don't do it, but believe that it works for many people who wait for the person they love, and by the time they are together they have improved communication, have a degree, and a good life together. OP - I stayed in an LDR for 2.5 years, me in England and him in the US. We were physically together for 1.5 years before he had to go back to the US. I recently graduated and was able to move over and marry him. My reasons for persevering in the LDR were that I knew how compatible we were, and did not want to throw away a great relationship just because he was relocated across the world. We knew we could be together once I graduated, and that made it much easier to deal with. Of course, it was tough and there were times when I wondered if I should just give up, but I am so glad I didn't because it worked out in the end and I am happy. If you can save up money to visit him from time to time, think of all the adventures you could have in the country he'll be living in. Try to think of the positive things in the relationship, and tell him if you're feeling sad or angry about the distance - keep talking and not only will you have a good chance of surviving the distance, but also if you make it, you'll know how to communicate with each other properly, which is a huge thing in any relationship.
Author Els Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks for the encouragement, catrocks. Yet, on the other hand, some people connect far better in person than over the phone or via text, and a relationship with perfectly good connection and communication might deteriorate over a distance instead? Sigh. As in, what if the 'feeling' gradually disappears since you can't do things together, can't hold and smell and feel that person next to you? Sincereonlineguy: Hmmm. But lets say I think that in 3 yrs' time, I would probably not have found someone else whom I'd desire to be with at least just as much, since I have only a small and comfortable group of friends. Would it be fair to stay in the relationship just because I think I'd have no other choice within the next 3 years, or to ditch it because I think I'll find someone else closer to home?
catrocks Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I guess distance is a make or break thing then - you'll either grow together or you'll grow apart. The only way you can know whether it can work for you is to try it and see - and at least if it doesn't work out you'll know you tried your best and won't be left wondering what if.
Recommended Posts