Need some guidance!

[newoldguy]

I have been lurking here for many weeks reading all the posts I can. Obviously I'm in the same boat as many of you. I'm now at a point where I don't know what to think or do!

 

 

Some background:

Wife & I both 47 YO, Married 25 years; 3 kids ages 19,17 & 9. I thought everything was OK up until a few months ago. I had heart surgery almost exactly 2 years ago. I found out this past July that my wife had developed a gambling addiction unknown to me because she handled all the bills. She sought treatment for this and has successfully overcome it. However, during her therapy she began dealing with a childhood of abuse that no one knew about. During this time, she has gone through a great deal of personal growth. She has had an "epiphany" of sorts and wants to be independent. I have tried to support her wants but she still feels we need to be separated. I have maintained all along that I don't want our marriage to end and I wanted to seek MC for it. I am in individual counseling for myself (more later) and to try to cope with all of this.

 

Needless to say my world has been turned inside out. I'm going through all the pain others describe here. I have been reading and learning all I can and most days I manage to keep positive but I'm down to my last straw and don't know what to do.

 

I have taken responsibility for the past years I've neglected my wife and hurt her. I know neither one of us is more to blame than the other. Right now I'm trying to make the best of what I see coming by taking care of myself and planning for the future which may be divorce and moving on.

 

Last night she returned from a doctor's appointment and said she was making plans to move in with a friend for 2-3 months. I responded by saying that might be good - a way for her to figure out what she wanted and give us a break. She became IRATE at my response and said she expects me to fight for her and our marriage. All I've tried to do is let her do what she thinks will make her happy! I truly do care about her and love her but she interprets my actions as not caring that she wants to leave.

 

Then today she emailed me saying she has reconsidered moving out of the house and now wants ME to find an apartment close by. WTF is going on in her head?? Are these just games to see how much I care about her? I'm so baffled now that i don't know whether to move out myself or tell her "no way! - You're the one who wants to leave so do it!".

 

I have to admit I am a passive person (part of what I'm seeing a counselor for) and on top of that I can procrastinate too much. I know this has hurt our marriage over the years, but again she's the one saying she doesn't trust me; doesn't have hope things will work out; she's changed too much and needs to move on, etc.

 

I also get a lot of mixed messages. I thought things were getting much better because in the last month or so we really seemed to re-connect sexually and intimately. I planned a 4 day motorcycle trip to one of our favorite vacation spots and we had such a great time together. It was very romantic and I found myself doing things I didn't think I had in me anymore! But then we get back home and she's right back to saying it's not working.

 

Anyway, I needed to get this written down if only for my own therapy. Right now I mostly question what I should do about me or her moving out if anyone can provide some comments on that. I am having a realtor look at the house tonite, so we have agreed to sell it. Even if things works out we wanted to move and with todays market it may take a while.

 

I think this is a great site with so many helpful people! Hopefully there's someone out there who can help me a bit now! Thanks...

[reboot]

You do not move out. If she wants out, she moves out.

[newoldguy]

I feel like I'm losing it here. Tonight she called from the friends house that she was thinking of moving in with and asked if I had an answer to her email (that I should move out & get an apartment). I told her no, i was not moving out. She is demanding I come up with a solution - which I think to her means find a way for me to move out. I told her again NO I was not moving out. She wanted to know why and all I could do was say I thought we needed to seek a MC to work on us. She doesn't want to go. A couple days ago she agreed to go but only if it was to help ease the transition and/or help us deal with separation.

I know I have a hard time being assertive and I'm really trying. But part of me thinks I should just get out of here. I hate all the tension, fighting and her temper! I know I don't like confrontation, either. In my mind I believe the right thing is to stand my ground and make her decide to move out or go to counseling with me. But she seems so determined to be in charge of what's happening. Maybe I need to face facts and start moving on?

[Melovator]

I realise your wife has some issues because of childhood abuse but if she doesn't want your support to work through them that's her decision and she needs to deal with the consequences of that in the same way all adults must deal with the consequences of their decisions.

 

She wants you to fight for your marriage, but she won't go to MC and she wants you to move out. You haven't put forward any evidence of her fighting for your marriage and this is a battle that requires two people.

 

Stay assertive- she wants out of the relationship- she moves out the house. She wants to be independent then she needs to find out just how independent she can be. She, as an adult, cannot expect you to organise her life for her, especially when she's choosing to live it apart from you.

 

I'd see a lawyer as soon as possible and I'd change your financial arrangments so that she is not in control of YOUR money. Like any addiction, gambling can come back in times of emotional distress. When you speak to the lawyer you might also want to ask what's the situation where one partner has gambled away joint funds- down here its is apparently taken into consideration during property settlement but the court also looks at stuff like length of addiction and how long the relationship continued after.

 

And I know this is hard for you but you have to think about your kids and make them your number one priority. Especially because it sounds like mummy's number one is herself right now.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Mel. If your wife wants to go... hey, it's not like you've got her chained up in the basement, is it?

 

If it was me, I'd consult with an attorney before I committed to any kind of separation agreement, verbal or written.

[newoldguy]

Thank you for your replies. I guess I just needed someone to confirm what I already knew.

As for the money she lost, at this point I figure thats in the past. I have no desire to get even with her or make her cough up 1/2 of what she lost (don't know where it would come from anyway). I take some blame for it too because why didn't I realize what she was doing all that time? Why didn't I question where she was? Yes, I know it was she who lied to me and made those decisions but in all honesty I didn't care much that she wasn't home for dinners with the family either.

I know I may need to protect myself legally and perhaps I will need to see a lawyer. Right now I think we're on the same page in that we both seem ready to agree on any division of property, etc.

Our kids will come first. I need to ensure their welfare is taken care of and that we both can continue parenting and spending time with them equally. However at this point I feel it may be best if I have custody since she wants to move away from our hometown. Moving the kids would put additional stress & changes into their school life that I think we could avoid.

Thanks again for sharing. Unfortunately I may be around these forums more in the future...

[newoldguy]

I'm in agreement with Mel. If your wife wants to go... hey, it's not like you've got her chained up in the basement, is it?

 

That made me laugh! Actually I'm the one in the basement! Not chained up, but in the basement for sleeping arrangements! It's kind of growing on me..

[jmargel]

Are you sure this 'friend' is not a male 'friend', if you know what I mean? Remember she hid this gambling from you, so God only knows what else she has hidden.

 

What you need to do is called 'Tough Love'. Stand your ground, do NOT move out of that house. She is acting like a child and when she gets irate the BEST thing to say is 'I will not respond to you or talk to you until you can communicate with me in a calm manner'. Then just walk away. She is trying to call all the shots here and if you roll over and piddle you will be in for a world of misery.

 

She wants you to fight for her? Then tell her the conditions that need to be met to stay together. If she wants to leave, then open that cage door as WIDE as possible. That is the only thing that will make her think about what she is doing. By you moving out you are just tolerating her mistreatment and you will end up as a safety net while she lives the 'single' lifestyle. Talk to her in a calm manner, don't beg, don't tell her you 'love her' first. COMMUNICATE with her, let her know that the communication between you has affected the way you two treated each other but you are on the right path now to resolve that. Then tell her it's upto her if she wants to get things right between you two and to tighten up the bond you two have with each other.

 

If she is reliving her abusive past alot of her childlike tendancies will appear which they are now. She is like a teenager right now, throwing a temper tantrum. Be firm, but still show that you have kindness inside of you.

 

Also start to play detective, I think something else might be going on her with another man.

[Ladyjane14]

I know I may need to protect myself legally and perhaps I will need to see a lawyer. Right now I think we're on the same page in that we both seem ready to agree on any division of property, etc.

 

Many attorneys offer low cost or no cost initial consults. You'd probably sleep a little better at night if you went ahead and talked to one. Knowing what the worst case scenario might be is better than imagining it.

[newoldguy]

Are you sure this 'friend' is not a male 'friend', if you know what I mean? Remember she hid this gambling from you, so God only knows what else she has hidden.

 

What you need to do is called 'Tough Love'. Stand your ground, do NOT move out of that house. She is acting like a child and when she gets irate the BEST thing to say is 'I will not respond to you or talk to you until you can communicate with me in a calm manner'. Then just walk away. She is trying to call all the shots here and if you roll over and piddle you will be in for a world of misery.

 

She wants you to fight for her? Then tell her the conditions that need to be met to stay together. If she wants to leave, then open that cage door as WIDE as possible. That is the only thing that will make her think about what she is doing. By you moving out you are just tolerating her mistreatment and you will end up as a safety net while she lives the 'single' lifestyle. Talk to her in a calm manner, don't beg, don't tell her you 'love her' first. COMMUNICATE with her, let her know that the communication between you has affected the way you two treated each other but you are on the right path now to resolve that. Then tell her it's upto her if she wants to get things right between you two and to tighten up the bond you two have with each other.

 

If she is reliving her abusive past alot of her childlike tendancies will appear which they are now. She is like a teenager right now, throwing a temper tantrum. Be firm, but still show that you have kindness inside of you.

 

Also start to play detective, I think something else might be going on her with another man.

 

Yes, there was a point a while back that I suspected an affair. I went looking for clues and found lots that could be taken as evidence of an affair. I confronted her on it and it turned out all the "clues" I saw were a result of her beginning to rediscover her individuality. I had "imagineitis" and felt ashamed of spying and accusing her. I now see that when she finally admitted her secret to friends and family, it had a tremendous freeing effect on her and she was able to start exploring what she wanted in life. Some of those things were different music, new clothes, going out with friends more and taking better care of herself. It's so hard to be with someone that long and then find out something like that. It makes you feel like your life was a lie. I really wish we could keep our family together but right now that seems hopeless.

I read the book "Tough Love" so I know what you're talking about. Good info but I felt it didn't all apply in my case as there was no affair and her reasons for wanting space and separation I think are understandable. That's just it - I understand WHY she wants to be apart for a while but that doesn't mean I want it. I'm finding it hard to give her that space and time out. I want to do whats best for her own mental health but I don't want to lose sight of my wants & desires, either.

[LakesideDream]

NewOld, I'm not new here (been around two years) and I'm "older" than you by 10 years. Nine years ago I was in a similar situation to you.

 

I was also hospitialized for a serious life threatening condition that had been mis diagnosed for three decades. The nature of this illness caused me much physical pain, but did not impair my ability to earn, and support my family.

 

Two weeks after the surgery, my now ex came to me and let me know that she "wanted to find herself", much like yours. There was a long back and forth, after much pain and suffering on my part, she decided to relent and "work on the 25 year marriage". Later I found out that her married other man was not "ready" to douche out his family (wife and 3 kids) at that time.

 

Jump ahead 18 months. During that time, both kids went out on their own (18-19) and the ex and I relocated to a new state, to "begin again". Or so I thought. Reality? Her OM lived where we relocated to.

 

One year to the day, after moving, I got the "find myself" lie again, and the marriage was over. Transilation: Her BF had decided the time was right.

 

Don't trust, don't believe, verify everything. Put a keylogger on your computers, check phone and bank records. Protect yourself. I didn't because I loved my now ex... and it seriously retarded my ability to begin to recover from the mess I found myself in.

 

Seven years after the divorce (72 hr. quickie) Live has found a new level of normalcy. I profoundly regret that I wasted my youth, and 25 years on the relationship. I am happy though that I haven't wasted the last seven years.

[newoldguy]

Lakesidedream: Do you think medical crises like that could be a common thread? The reason I ask is that recently she told me that when I had surgery, she was deathly afraid of losing me, "the love of her life". She said she started to think about all the things she depends on me for and she realized she needed to be more independent. I never knew this though. I wish she had said something 2 years ago. I suppose she was trying to be strong for me but it would have helped me knowing someone loved me enough to be so afraid of losing me. Now I don't know where that love went to. She sure doesn't seem to be too afraid now.

 

I realize many people have been hurt by spouses cheating. Believe me, I am remaining vigilant to that possibility.

[newoldguy]

Things look to be going downhill. I don't see any chance of us staying together - she has her mind made up and I can't change that. I'm tired of trying, fighting, asking for her to work on this. I'm getting my mind straight to deal with the worst! I'm reading a good book on transitions in life and that has helped a lot. I get moments of this great feeling that I can be free, in charge of my own life and happiness for once. I'm sick of feeling down and somehow less deserving than her! Time for me to "man up" I guess and work on what will make ME happy. I need to get this house sold and proceed on with paperwork. Hopefully it will go fast and we both can move on with our lives. I'll keep you posted, if anyone is interested.

[marsbars]

Sorry to hear that things have turned for the worse. Just keep your chin up the best you can. That is about all you can do right now.

[brothermartin]

WOW! Dejavue. Ok, im not a proffesional but I do have a sugesstion. It may sound insane but here gose: Become the "selfish bastard" that she's making you out to be. What I mean is, take care of yourself. Sell the house. Stay close to your kids and dont badmouth your wife to them(even when you're pissed.) She needs a lot of therapy. And unless you're a psychotherapist, you are not qualified to help her. So let her do her thing, but keep tabs on her through friends or family, for the sake of the kids. In the meantime, you be THE MAN! You know, hang out with the guys, talk trash about her with your friends.VENT! But DO NOT let her give you orders. She's voided that right. You call the shots now, remember that. And keep seeing the counseler, one of you has to keep a clear head in all this.

[newoldguy]

Thanks! I needed to hear that. You know how sometimes you drive yourself crazy with the thoughts going through your head. I THINK I know the right thing to do but then the heart sometimes tells you differently!

[brothermartin]

If possible, see if you can find a middle ground between doing what you know would be the right thing, and doing what your heart tells you. Its cool to shoot for being the one that comes out bulletproof from all this s**t, but dont sacrifice being a decent human being to do it if you can help it. Be diplomatic and merciful when it's called for. But do not hesitate to drop the hammer if you feel like she's trying to sucker you. Like loaded Q & A's, guilt trips, un-called for attacks, stuff like. Use your best judgement. Its probably better than you might think.