Author Faith4u Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 His health issues have not been taken care of first and seperation will be beneficial in this case. I can not pile another problem TODAY, we already have our issues because we live with each other and the issues are there, the lack of sex (once or twice per month and if I tell him to!!!) I do not feel wanted on that level or liked. Note that he is not even 30 years old! I also did not tell you guys that we had many fights over porn. I see porn material, videos and pics on his computer were he should be with me! That started over 2 years ago and I stopped checking his computer cause I do not want to be disappointed again just in case he is on porn. I told him about it and he said: He denied and denied and than he says it is there when you are not and when I need it... What a lame excuse, I am there too because he works from home and I work only part time. So I am there pretty much all the time. After many fights on porn issues, and abuse from him (verbal, temper isuses etc) I started spending more time with my other guy friend and one day we started being intimate, I am not the cheating type it is all psychological and I want it to stop. I will not go around for men but I want to stop seeing the OM until I resolve my problems. ------ So what makes your assumption any better of a guess? Best, you and I both know that this marriage has a very low chance. Seperation and a movement towards divorce will provide the shock required to get the husband trying to fix things. If he gets himself on track... then she will absolutely have to come clean. Right now, this guy is working on himself... he is fixing his own health problems and hopefully he will begin working harder to be a better husband overall. If things dont work out... he will be in a better state! If she comes clean right now... its going to pile on a bunch of emotional hurt and baggage that seriously, he may not need while battling health issues!
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I am not the cheating type it is all psychological and I want it to stop. I will not go around for men but I want to stop seeing the OM until I resolve my problems. ------ That's what almost every cheater says. When was the last time you were with him and when was the last time you are in contact with him?
Author Faith4u Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Are you married? Have you been divorced? or cheated upon? That's what almost every cheater says. When was the last time you were with him and when was the last time you are in contact with him?
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Are you married? Have you been divorced? or cheated upon? That's all irrelevant; it doesn't take someone who's married, divorced, or cheated to understand the immorality of cheating.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 That's all irrelevant; it doesn't take someone who's married, divorced, or cheated to understand the immorality of cheating. That is a lame dodge! Experience does matter! It taints perception, plus you sound like you have an axe to grind.
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 That is a lame dodge! Experience does matter! It taints perception, plus you sound like you have an axe to grind. Are you saying that it takes someone who's been murdered or has someone close who was murder in order to understand that murder is wrong? Decency is just simply common sense.
Author Faith4u Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 What are you talking about? Thanks for your earlier advise, you do not need to get into my mind and tell me what you think tha ti am thinking to do... no need to preach. You seem that you are not able to put yourself in these situations you only speak up through theory and what you are saying is what should be done in theory and what is right or wrong. We know that and life is not black or white unfortunatly. Thanks again. Are you saying that it takes someone who's been murdered or has someone close who was murder in order to understand that murder is wrong? Decency is just simply common sense.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Are you saying that it takes someone who's been murdered or has someone close who was murder in order to understand that murder is wrong? Decency is just simply common sense. No, I'm saying that you fear answering the question, because it may reveal your bias! The issue at hand is not a situation of right or wrong! Cheating is wrong... under any circumstance! Faith, understands that, and is remorseful. We all want to believe that we are good people, and you seem to want her to admit that she isnt a good person. I dont care about that. I am not interested in the blame game. I want to see the most positive outcome for all parties involved (except OM).
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 That's what almost every cheater says. When was the last time you were with him and when was the last time you are in contact with him? Ok bestadvisor, on Faith's behalf, I'll admit that what she did was wrong, wrong, wrong. What does that change about her present situation? Mr. Lucky
Author Faith4u Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I just wanted to point out especially to BestAdvisor1 that I am not looking for approval to my story. However, I am telling the real story and what is going on in my mind and in my life. I can only get out from where I am today if I get some sort of advise that leads me to action. I am doing much better already I have to admit with the help of Cobra_X30. I am not looking for approval. I have said and say again that what I am living is wrong and that comes not only from me seeing my friend and being with him intimatly but from the way my H is with me and what I am not able to tolerate for the name of love. Anyhow, jsut wanted to make this clear. Thanks to all. -------------- Ok bestadvisor, on Faith's behalf, I'll admit that what she did was wrong, wrong, wrong. What does that change about her present situation? Mr. Lucky
bestadvisor Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Ok bestadvisor, on Faith's behalf, I'll admit that what she did was wrong, wrong, wrong. What does that change about her present situation? Mr. Lucky There are two major issues here: 1) She didn't seem to be remorseful about her actions. Sure she felt badly for a while, but not actually, truly remorseful about her invovlement. This is evidence in her statement "Look at me cheating on him just to keep it together. that is the way I see it today." 2) She didn't sever all contact with this OM. As far as we all know, she could have sleep with him again next week.
Author Faith4u Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 You missed over 35 threads from my posting to hold on to a phrase that makes only sense in the line of thought within the paragraph of the reply I was making. All the best to you since you know it all! Lucky person that lives with you, you are so perfect. lol ote=bestadvisor;1363705]There are two major issues here: 1) She didn't seem to be remorseful about her actions. Sure she felt badly for a while, but not actually, truly remorseful about her invovlement. This is evidence in her statement "Look at me cheating on him just to keep it together. that is the way I see it today." 2) She didn't sever all contact with this OM. As far as we all know, she could have sleep with him again next week.
Author Faith4u Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I got the most interesting alert when I was talking on the phone today with my friend, the one that I have been intimate with for a while now and through our conversation I felt empty. He started telling me that he does not feel that I will ever leave my H and that if I wanted to leave I would have left before when all started 2 -3 years ago. I found myself explaining to my friend the way I looked at it and felt that he has NO experience with long term relationships and does not know much about compassion and has not lived tolerating his partner's behavior, you know what i mean? the real stuff that you live one on one after 7 years of mariage! I am and was especially blinded because he has been a friend for a LONG time and I got intimate with him on the physical level and I realized that just wanted to see all the GOOD in him and this time, I felt empty. All in him wants me to divorce and keeps saying the opposite, he actullay played the listener, the good ear and I think he never wanted us to workout and it feels like a mind and body game to me. This maybe the END of my friend (OM) and me. I say maybe to be honest because that is what is coming out of my mind about this at this point. Guys with experience, any suggestions or opinion on this?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 it feels like a mind and body game to me. Don't you think, F4u, that what you describe is the payoff with many OM/OW? They get the thrill of the conquest (sexual and otherwise) without any of the messy baggage that a full-time relationship brings. They see you at your best - funny, charming, sexy - while, ironically, the BS gets you at your worst - moody, guilty, angry. That (to me) is the real tragedy that cheating brings - all your emotional energy goes to your affair partner, robbing the two marital partners of the chance to work things out. Maybe it's not too late for you... Mr. Lucky
Author Faith4u Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I never been with another man before while I was married, but it makes sense what you are saying except that I do not get moody and angry at my H because of the OM. When I get there it comes from our personal issues. I have been feeling guilty because I want to change my situation and I do not want to cheat on my H if we do not choose to seperate. Time spent with the Other person is also short and you do not live with the other person so there is no room for much or building anything realistic. It is much better to have the OM out of the picture for sure. This forum has been making me think clearer without envolving my emotions. The next step is that I talk tot he OM about all this or should I just ignore his calls or emails for a while and say i am busy? Remember he is my long term friend and I know he wants to remain friends. Don't you think, F4u, that what you describe is the payoff with many OM/OW? They get the thrill of the conquest (sexual and otherwise) without any of the messy baggage that a full-time relationship brings. They see you at your best - funny, charming, sexy - while, ironically, the BS gets you at your worst - moody, guilty, angry. That (to me) is the real tragedy that cheating brings - all your emotional energy goes to your affair partner, robbing the two marital partners of the chance to work things out. Maybe it's not too late for you... Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I never been with another man before while I was married, but it makes sense what you are saying except that I do not get moody and angry at my H because of the OM. When I get there it comes from our personal issues. I have been feeling guilty because I want to change my situation and I do not want to cheat on my H if we do not choose to seperate. Time spent with the Other person is also short and you do not live with the other person so there is no room for much or building anything realistic. It is much better to have the OM out of the picture for sure. This forum has been making me think clearer without envolving my emotions. The next step is that I talk tot he OM about all this or should I just ignore his calls or emails for a while and say i am busy? Remember he is my long term friend and I know he wants to remain friends. Well, bieng "friends" may not be possible at this point. If you decide to stay and try to make your marriage work... you have to let this friend go forever! Don't feel sorry for him. He knew the risks when he chose to take that next step. For the moment your focus needs to be on your husband... and seeing if he will fix his situation... when OM calls... just ignore!
Author Faith4u Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I will do, it is taugh but I am on it. So I do not tell him anything at all? I just distance myself from him? What if he emails me? I will focus on my H and myself, it is important for both of us. Well, bieng "friends" may not be possible at this point. If you decide to stay and try to make your marriage work... you have to let this friend go forever! Don't feel sorry for him. He knew the risks when he chose to take that next step. For the moment your focus needs to be on your husband... and seeing if he will fix his situation... when OM calls... just ignore!
bestadvisor Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 If you re-read my posts, you will see that it makes more sense now than when you first read it just few days ago.
Author Faith4u Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I never said BestAdvisor that what you are saying was wrong or did not make sense. All you said was common sense and I am not looking for that. See, if I am on this forum I do realize that things are wrong in my life. Also, I do not want to convince you that I am a good person or not. My actions are surpising me as much as they are surprising some people. As I said I never even looked at another man when I was dating. I should not have tolerated so long his verbal abuse and anger over nothing, this laid to a lot of s**t and I tolerated it knowing that he had health issues but I just realized that I am NOT in charge of fixing him- he should and if he doesn,t I am out. And as far as the other man, my friend, well, live and let go- he will be a thing of the past. And I learn my lesson. If you re-read my posts, you will see that it makes more sense now than when you first read it just few days ago.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 this laid to a lot of s**t Freudian slip? Just kidding, F4u . Hope you have time to think clearly and get what you want. You sound like a good, thoughtful person ... Mr. Lucky
Author Faith4u Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 :lmao:Thanks! It is difficult to apply what should be done. However, it is important to live clean and see clear, it is the only way to plan a future with a partner. I hope too that my H cooperates as fast as I need him to. About the OM, I am sure he will manage in his life being a person that enjoys flirting in life. Right now, I want to put my energy in the right place, and that is home. Freudian slip? Just kidding, F4u . Hope you have time to think clearly and get what you want. You sound like a good, thoughtful person ... Mr. Lucky
Author Faith4u Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 So, I left you all saying that I am going to see how I will be working it out with my husband and how I will have NO contact with my friend with whom I was intimate many time throughout the year. I tried not to see him but there was some emails a couple of days ago. I found out from him that he is starting to DATE, he had his first date on Sunday, Waow, did this hit me or what!!!! I would not lie to you guys and say that I did not think that I will feel sooooooooooooo annoyed with the whole thing. You are going to say that I am stupid and that I should have known better and I knew that we are not a serious couple, hell I knew all that and I knew that it was cheating for a long time but we fell for wach other and he told me yesterday: I know you are going to stay with your husband and that is OK people have to make choices. I did not show at all that I was annoyed at the given situation. I stayed positive but he knows me, even through my writings it showed some sadness. Anyhow, today, I feel that I am possessed with tihs guy. IS it an illusion that I am creating in times of need? or is it love? Between all that, my husband knew that I was seeing him but I did not give details that I slept with him it was implied because I wanted my husband to ask the questions and he never asked directly that question. When he does I will tell. So he has been treating better, it has been 2 weeks, anyone can see that he wants to make it better and he is being the guy I knew. He is also taking me for a vacation in December to Cancun. Guys, readers can you tell me what you think about all this? Telling my friend that I love him does not help I know because if I really did, I will not be with my husband right? BUT I DO love him. HELP!
RamChops Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 So, I left you all saying that I am going to see how I will be working it out with my husband and how I will have NO contact with my friend with whom I was intimate many time throughout the year. I tried not to see him but there was some emails a couple of days ago. I found out from him that he is starting to DATE, he had his first date on Sunday, Waow, did this hit me or what!!!! I would not lie to you guys and say that I did not think that I will feel sooooooooooooo annoyed with the whole thing. You are going to say that I am stupid and that I should have known better and I knew that we are not a serious couple, hell I knew all that and I knew that it was cheating for a long time but we fell for wach other and he told me yesterday: I know you are going to stay with your husband and that is OK people have to make choices. I did not show at all that I was annoyed at the given situation. I stayed positive but he knows me, even through my writings it showed some sadness. Anyhow, today, I feel that I am possessed with tihs guy. IS it an illusion that I am creating in times of need? or is it love? Between all that, my husband knew that I was seeing him but I did not give details that I slept with him it was implied because I wanted my husband to ask the questions and he never asked directly that question. When he does I will tell. So he has been treating better, it has been 2 weeks, anyone can see that he wants to make it better and he is being the guy I knew. He is also taking me for a vacation in December to Cancun. Guys, readers can you tell me what you think about all this? Telling my friend that I love him does not help I know because if I really did, I will not be with my husband right? BUT I DO love him. HELP! F4U ... no, it doesn't help your OM to tell him you love him, even if you do. If he loves you, as I suspect he might, and has honest intentions for an R with you, which I can't comment on, it will give him false hope and drive him mental. It might be tough, really tough, but you have to try to get over OM, do whatever it takes ... and don't begrudge him his happiness either. Take it from an OM who has been told that he's more wanted, loved, a better companion and more compatible by his MW over her H, whom she won't leave - but she won't tell me it's over either. Even before hearing all this I thought she could well be "the one" so I'm in pain all the time now. Maybe your OM is not quite that attached, but you've got to deal with your pain of losing OM as a lover, possibly as a friend, and focus on your husband if that's what you're setting your mind to. Don't string them both along, you can only have one SO in your life.
Author Faith4u Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I know that he reflects an image of reason and tries to be reasonable when he gives me advice. I feel though that he is weak when it comes to being detached from me. I say that because I asked him if he was on a dating process ( which he was) and he said yes but still contacts me and does not want to break it... I am not sure if he is in love he acts it... I will not tell him F4U ... no, it doesn't help your OM to tell him you love him, even if you do. If he loves you, as I suspect he might, and has honest intentions for an R with you, which I can't comment on, it will give him false hope and drive him mental. It might be tough, really tough, but you have to try to get over OM, do whatever it takes ... and don't begrudge him his happiness either. Take it from an OM who has been told that he's more wanted, loved, a better companion and more compatible by his MW over her H, whom she won't leave - but she won't tell me it's over either. Even before hearing all this I thought she could well be "the one" so I'm in pain all the time now. Maybe your OM is not quite that attached, but you've got to deal with your pain of losing OM as a lover, possibly as a friend, and focus on your husband if that's what you're setting your mind to. Don't string them both along, you can only have one SO in your life.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I found out from him that he is starting to DATE, he had his first date on Sunday, Waow, did this hit me or what!!!! I would not lie to you guys and say that I did not think that I will feel sooooooooooooo annoyed with the whole thing. You are going to say that I am stupid and that I should have known better and I knew that we are not a serious couple, hell I knew all that and I knew that it was cheating for a long time but we fell for wach other and he told me yesterday: I know you are going to stay with your husband and that is OK people have to make choices. I did not show at all that I was annoyed at the given situation. I stayed positive but he knows me, even through my writings it showed some sadness. Anyhow, today, I feel that I am possessed with tihs guy. IS it an illusion that I am creating in times of need? or is it love? Between all that, my husband knew that I was seeing him but I did not give details that I slept with him it was implied because I wanted my husband to ask the questions and he never asked directly that question. When he does I will tell. So he has been treating better, it has been 2 weeks, anyone can see that he wants to make it better and he is being the guy I knew. He is also taking me for a vacation in December to Cancun. Guys, readers can you tell me what you think about all this? Telling my friend that I love him does not help I know because if I really did, I will not be with my husband right? BUT I DO love him. HELP! Faith, There is a difference between between feeling in love and bieng in love. You feel in love with your friend. His declaration that is going to start dating is a blow to your ego. Thats it. Thats all. It sucks to get rejected, because you feel like your losing something. Suddenly you cant have it, that makes you want it more. But dont mistake that for love! Your friend isnt the love of your life, and you staying or leaving your marriage should have zero to do with your friends availability. This is a good time for you to realize that your going to be just fine! No matter the results... your strong enough that you will be just fine!
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