Author Faith4u Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 He knows that I am waiting on him. He also knows how to bring me back and be kind and promising- his actions around me makes me feel an ass if I do not respond positivly- he is being positive and that is the man I love. If I come today, and start over with the issues of his health and what I want him to do I am still at home so what am I accomplishing? I know that he is taking the actions but the medical system is long and sharing my frustration will not lead us to a solution. So, I am hitting a wall. About the other person, my beloved friend, he is already suspiscious, so if I tell it all, nothing is really accomplished right now. Should I wait for a couple of months? I think the best technique is at the next fight, I leave for good. When in middle of it I feel it is easier for me. After the apologies and the promises I give in but it does not mean I am happy or that I can make future plans with him. Any advise on all this?
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I think you should change your screen name. It does not fit you.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I think you should change your screen name. It does not fit you. Thats your best advice? I just cant handle all the irony.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 About the other person, my beloved friend, he is already suspiscious, so if I tell it all, nothing is really accomplished right now. Should I wait for a couple of months? I think the best technique is at the next fight, I leave for good. When in middle of it I feel it is easier for me. After the apologies and the promises I give in but it does not mean I am happy or that I can make future plans with him. Any advise on all this? If you wait like that its just going to fester... in fact your going to be spoiling for a fight! How long has he been nice? Do you think he has turned a corner? In regards to the affair... if you choose to leave your husband for good, I dont think it benefits him to ever hear about it! However, if you decide to stay with him.... you absolutely must tell, and thats going to make your life suck for a couple of years... maybe more! My overall point is that the longer you delay this... the more of your life you waste! You dont want to wake up one day and be 10 years older but still in the same situation. You can have resolution!
starfish36 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hey starfish36- Yes he is a very good friend not just a H. In fact, I tell him sometimes that I need from him to be more a lover, since he does not ask to have sex, I tell him I have plenty of friends! Also, my situation is very heart breaking because he suffers from sleep apnea. That means as he gets into mood swings and he gets frustrated, agitated, edgy and gets from being normal to angry. I am afraid to say i love the OM but I feel that I do. And I am still in love with my H the one that I married not the other flip that he has become because of his health issues. I feel bad because I say what if I was in his shoes? and thna I say, NO if I was in his shoes my health will come FIRST, I will not drag along and pitty myself and put my frustrations on my loved one. I am almost a door mat, I told him that and that this has got to stop because I am not your garbage bag where you through in all your ****. Yep! he listens, he promises, we have tried to moove on for a couple fo years now and my life is going before me, I want to have children and I want a normal life like I always wanted to have. His actions are begging me to stay and I am trying to not communicate with the OM about my life anymore and not call or email to the minimum. It makes me miserable but I keep busy and I am fooling myself until I get the courage to leave if things are going to stay the way they are. Life is too short to be lived like that. What do you think? First of all, I admire you for trying not to communicate with the OM. Where I work, with my OM, it's just the two of us in one small office. Affair aside, I love my job. It's the best one I've ever had and I do not want to leave it. Also, I'm with you on what you said, "Life is too short to be lived like that." I know everyone has their "quirks" but was it really meant to be this way? And I can't say I'm miserable at home but I can say I'm not "happily married". It shouldn't be like that. I realize too that your situation is a little different than mine being that your H has medical issues as well. I feel like right now I'm not the best person to give advice considering the situation I'm in. As of right now I want to be with the OM. I think I've got a lot of soul searching to do, which I thought I had it figured out but am just scared to move forward. I do wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the both of us the way it's supposed to!
Author Faith4u Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Hey Cobra_X30 2 weeks ago was the bif fight. Usually it takes another 2 weeks before he goes up on something and get angry. He is unpredictable but I have noticed that it lasts a couple of weeks and something happens and he bursts feels bad etc... Thanks for the advice. This Guy, BestAdviser1 is so so so rude, he thinks he can be on this forum going around talking like that? Ironic yes, seeing that his name is Adviser. If you wait like that its just going to fester... in fact your going to be spoiling for a fight! How long has he been nice? Do you think he has turned a corner? In regards to the affair... if you choose to leave your husband for good, I dont think it benefits him to ever hear about it! However, if you decide to stay with him.... you absolutely must tell, and thats going to make your life suck for a couple of years... maybe more! My overall point is that the longer you delay this... the more of your life you waste! You dont want to wake up one day and be 10 years older but still in the same situation. You can have resolution!
Author Faith4u Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 I wish you well too. What is sad is that I feel that I can FIX it and I am hitting a wall often. There is progress that I feel but on 2 years, I am not ready for another 2! I told him and I am not waiting long enough before I tell him again. What I asked for should be acted upon and that is as simple as that. Otherwise, I am waiting again and waiting and he is just thinking it is OK she can wait. ___________________ First of all, I admire you for trying not to communicate with the OM. Where I work, with my OM, it's just the two of us in one small office. Affair aside, I love my job. It's the best one I've ever had and I do not want to leave it. Also, I'm with you on what you said, "Life is too short to be lived like that." I know everyone has their "quirks" but was it really meant to be this way? And I can't say I'm miserable at home but I can say I'm not "happily married". It shouldn't be like that. I realize too that your situation is a little different than mine being that your H has medical issues as well. I feel like right now I'm not the best person to give advice considering the situation I'm in. As of right now I want to be with the OM. I think I've got a lot of soul searching to do, which I thought I had it figured out but am just scared to move forward. I do wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the both of us the way it's supposed to!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Hey Cobra_X30 2 weeks ago was the bif fight. Usually it takes another 2 weeks before he goes up on something and get angry. He is unpredictable but I have noticed that it lasts a couple of weeks and something happens and he bursts feels bad etc... Thanks for the advice. Well whatever you decide to do make sure its not a choice caused by fear. Don't let fear rule your world as most of us do! Your life is yours to control. Happiness is never as far away as you might think. Dont give up, Dont surrender, Dont settle! Best of Luck!
Author Faith4u Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Like tonight, he told me how unhappy he is. He told me that on Wednesday and says it once a week. I try to help him by keep pointing out that him being tired until he is uncapable of doing activities is making him unhappy in general. Not to mention that he barely asks for intimacy and when I do, he tells me how he is tired. Anyhow, I have told him again about his action plan and tomorrow he decided to see the doctor related to his nervous system problems. I just need to see how commited he is to taking care of himself and if he will pick another big fight I will have no choice but to leave until he gets his health issues together. I know you are out of ideas for me but if you got share them. Thanks. Well whatever you decide to do make sure its not a choice caused by fear. Don't let fear rule your world as most of us do! Your life is yours to control. Happiness is never as far away as you might think. Dont give up, Dont surrender, Dont settle! Best of Luck!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Like tonight, he told me how unhappy he is. He told me that on Wednesday and says it once a week. I try to help him by keep pointing out that him being tired until he is uncapable of doing activities is making him unhappy in general. Not to mention that he barely asks for intimacy and when I do, he tells me how he is tired. Anyhow, I have told him again about his action plan and tomorrow he decided to see the doctor related to his nervous system problems. I just need to see how commited he is to taking care of himself and if he will pick another big fight I will have no choice but to leave until he gets his health issues together. I know you are out of ideas for me but if you got share them. Thanks. Perhaps the answer lies in action? His depression seems to be keeping him from attending to his health. Depression is often self pity. Maybe there is something more important to him than self pity?
Author Faith4u Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Can a person be depressed and very productive at work? He does very well, he says he puts the positive attitude. But is it even possible? MAybe he is starting a sort of a depression. He self pity himself and that causes more unsolved issues between us. Last night he slept so annoyed and said how he is not going to the doctor anymore. Today, when he woke up he told me in a totally different tone how he is going to see him and left. What a yo yo!
starfish36 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Can a person be depressed and very productive at work? He does very well, he says he puts the positive attitude. But is it even possible? MAybe he is starting a sort of a depression. He self pity himself and that causes more unsolved issues between us. Last night he slept so annoyed and said how he is not going to the doctor anymore. Today, when he woke up he told me in a totally different tone how he is going to see him and left. What a yo yo! I can totally understand why you get so frustrated. When my H would have one of his "blow ups", like an hour or two later, or the next day, he'd apologize and expect me to be over it!! It's like, what the h***?!! How can you go from being one person to a different one so quickly?? Is your H a pretty quiet person when others are around or what is he like around family and friends?
Author Faith4u Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 He is not a quiet guy- sociable very enthousiastic, over does things at times, puts on a big smile and he generally has positive attitudes with friends but he is spuntanious and can say things that I feel are not appropriate at times. He does not like to sit still so causes himself exhausion. If you know want I mean... I am always trying to go with flow with him. You see, i am happy to see that i am not the only one that lives with someone that expects me to snap out of the problem right away. Actually what you are saying I live constantly... The thing is that I have no problem snapping out of the problem if we both come up with an understanding so it does not happen again or lets that it does not happen at the same intensity. This thing is a behavior that certain people brings from childhood they got away with it when they were kids and think that they can bring it home to their spouse.
Author Faith4u Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 so he went to the doctor this past friday, it looks like he is suffering from anxiety cause by a load of stress - they are not sure, more scientific tests will be made and if it is true, he will have to take some pills- I know I can help him with exercise caus eI do every day and I do not think pills are going to solve my s** problems but triaining will give himmore energy. I have hope for our relationship don't ask me why... what do you think of all this?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 so he went to the doctor this past friday, it looks like he is suffering from anxiety cause by a load of stress - they are not sure, more scientific tests will be made and if it is true, he will have to take some pills- I know I can help him with exercise caus eI do every day and I do not think pills are going to solve my s** problems but triaining will give himmore energy. I have hope for our relationship don't ask me why... what do you think of all this? I think that you have more hope than I do! I dont think things will change anytime soon. If he were a strong person... and he wanted to take care of his own health. Your assistance would not be required. Motivation comes from the inside... not the out!
Author Faith4u Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Motivation comes from the inside not the outside. I think I am building hope on nothing. I come from a family that does not know divorce, I mean no body from my extended family even got divorced and I never lived in a way that attracts divorce so I took s*it from this relationship. Look at me cheating on him just to keep it together. that is the way I see it today. it is depressing me and i need to change it. I am not pleased with myself. I think that you have more hope than I do! I dont think things will change anytime soon. If he were a strong person... and he wanted to take care of his own health. Your assistance would not be required. Motivation comes from the inside... not the out!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Motivation comes from the inside not the outside. I think I am building hope on nothing. I come from a family that does not know divorce, I mean no body from my extended family even got divorced and I never lived in a way that attracts divorce so I took s*it from this relationship. Look at me cheating on him just to keep it together. that is the way I see it today. it is depressing me and i need to change it. I am not pleased with myself. Drop the idea of seperation on him. Let him know exactly why! Then see if he can generate that motivation within himself to fix the situation! He will either rise up and begin to fix his problems rapidly, or he will implode into depression! Also... when you tell him you want a seperation, dont make the mistake of diagnosing him. Example... If he yells at you, tell him that is the problem. Do not make the assumption that he yells because of his health issues! In the end your family will have to understand. You dont want to bring kids into this situation!
bestadvisor Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Look at me cheating on him just to keep it together. that is the way I see it today. The above statement(s) is just unbelievable!
OpenBook Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I think you should change your screen name. It does not fit you. The above statement(s) is just unbelievable! Faith, what a lucky woman you are to have TWO best advisors!! And both essentially saying the same thing. Why is it that a when a woman cheats it is viewed so much more harshly than when a man does? Faith, I don't think your H should go through with the operation for the sleep aepnea, unless he knows EXACTLY what they are going to do and EXACTLY what the fallout will be. I heard one of the side effects of it is a "leaking" nose, it just starts flowing unexpectedly.
bestadvisor Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 OpenBook, are you disagreeing with what I said? Essentially what she is saying is that she is blaming him for her cheating and it was necessary for her to cheat in order to deal with the problems. Why is it that a when a woman cheats it is viewed so much more harshly than when a man does? Look for my past posts, non of them are gender bias. You're creating you own imagination not based on facts.
Author Faith4u Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 The above statement(s) is just unbelievable! Yes BestAdvisor1, it is a weird statment but I am saying what I feel at the moment. I did go many times with the OM . I never wanted to before even though we were friends for over 8 years and knew that we liked each other but we never dated and I never wanted to be with him and when my life went weird after my H was diagnosed with sleep apnea, things took time before they changed between us but they did. I knew I was with the man that I love, my husband, but with a personality that was not him because of his health issues. So, I tried and took his s**t for almost 3 years and it was a mistake being with the OM at moments of weakness. Emotional weakness that I am living with until now, I have been on and off with my friend for 1 year... I am not pleased but always kept thinking that he will get better and I will be over with this. By the way my H has become nice at times and really bad at times, can't control his moods and puts it out there no matte rwho is around him... he knows what he is doing and is suspiscious that I am seeing someone else because he keeps telling me how he is tired and can,t give me the s*x and applies things cause he knows me. Things went really bad between us ( if you read all my replies) and as Cobra_30 said I should only point out to him why I need the seperation and it should actually come from him. Cobra_30 nailed it because all this time I am giving him the excuse and he is using it to stay in that state. He did use it to stay in that state because I begged years for a change forf a health check up for consultation before he realized now that he has psycholgical problems and is burning out. He never took care of his health and I was his garbage bag which means I took in all that he needed to let out when he was not feeling well. Now, he is listening and I am hanging on a piece of thread not sure if I want to wait another couple fo years for a change that is possibly working or not... What do you suggest? if you do not have a possible solution you do not have to write back anymore. Thank you
bestadvisor Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 What do you suggest? if you do not have a possible solution you do not have to write back anymore. Thank you You want my suggestion... 1) Come clean with your husband about what has happened and not let him guess or imagine. He has the right to know and to make an informed decision about his marriage. 2) Stop all contact with the other man (unless it's absolutely necessary). Don't confide in him, find a female friend or a blood related relatively to confide in. 3) Don't ever cheat. The next time, you're about to go that route, divorce your husband first. If you can't wait that long, at least file and let him know what you're about to do (hooking up with another man). Based on what you have wrote, there is no way, you will follow number 1 or even number 2. Maybe not even number 3.
Author Faith4u Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Of course it is possible to do all you suggest- what you wrote is what I am planning on to do if I stay with him. As Cobra_X30 advised, it is not necessary if we seperate and divorce to tell him more than he already knows and he knows, he is very smart. Thanks for the advise. You want my suggestion... 1) Come clean with your husband about what has happened and not let him guess or imagine. He has the right to know and to make an informed decision about his marriage. 2) Stop all contact with the other man (unless it's absolutely necessary). Don't confide in him, find a female friend or a blood related relatively to confide in. 3) Don't ever cheat. The next time, you're about to go that route, divorce your husband first. If you can't wait that long, at least file and let him know what you're about to do (hooking up with another man). Based on what you have wrote, there is no way, you will follow number 1 or even number 2. Maybe not even number 3.
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 he knows, he is very smart. Thanks for the advise. There you go again with excuses. You're guessing what he knows and he is guessing what he knows. He doesn't know for sure what's really going on. You can't start fixing a marriage when there is a major lie going on. He deserves to know and you need to take responsibility for what you did and you owe it to him to at least let him know what had been going on (the fact that you slept with another man several times, but no other details needed unless he specifically request them).
Cobra_X30 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 There you go again with excuses. You're guessing what he knows and he is guessing what he knows. He doesn't know for sure what's really going on. You can't start fixing a marriage when there is a major lie going on. He deserves to know and you need to take responsibility for what you did and you owe it to him to at least let him know what had been going on (the fact that you slept with another man several times, but no other details needed unless he specifically request them). So what makes your assumption any better of a guess? Best, you and I both know that this marriage has a very low chance. Seperation and a movement towards divorce will provide the shock required to get the husband trying to fix things. If he gets himself on track... then she will absolutely have to come clean. Right now, this guy is working on himself... he is fixing his own health problems and hopefully he will begin working harder to be a better husband overall. If things dont work out... he will be in a better state! If she comes clean right now... its going to pile on a bunch of emotional hurt and baggage that seriously, he may not need while battling health issues!
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