tomwiz Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Me and my SO have been on a "break" for about a week now, she said that she needs some time. while normally I agree that this is a copout, with her, she seems to guinenly want to find herself..something I can't understand. Evidentally, her grammas final advice to her was that she'll never be happy with someone else until she is happy with herself. SHe has low self esteem and we have been having some problems lately, im sure that while things where going good, it was easy to push off, however things have been on the rocks lately and she has pulled away. After about 4 days of NC, i saw her at our local bar during an college alumni weekend. We were both drinking, i asked her if there was still an "us" to save, she said yes. I kissed her on the cheek and said we'll talk about stuff later, she thanked me for not putting pressure on her. I woke in the morning to find her calling me about 4 times, and texting me saying "i need you here..i miss you". I talked to her briefly in the morning, she said that she was fine and we have not talked since (this was thursday, I emailed her to ask her if this was how she realy felt or if it was just drunken talk, no reply as of yet). SHe deals with stress in an odd way, I know that she has midterms this week and probably can't deal with the stress of both. How long do i give something like this? What should I do? Help!
Lance Taylor Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 This is a tough situation Tom, but luckily it doesnt seem like you have done anything to make it worse yet. I would start off by giving her space. And as hard as it is, dont be the one to bring up the relationship. I cant stress this enough, just dont bring it up. If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. The reason for this is it puts you in a needy position, where you are almost asking her for acceptance. Basically you are leaving the decision of your relationship entirely up to her. I know this is almost impossible to do when you have feelings for someone, b/c you feel like you just have to know what is going on. But in all honesty, it never does any good for the relationship and more times than not it hurts it. The hard truth is that she isnt entirely happy with you. I know she is "finding herself" but you said yourself the reason she wants to find herself is so she can be happy with someone else. Translation: "I really care about this guy, but I dont want to be with him, maybe something is wrong with me so I should just take some time to find myself." So with her not being happy with her relationship with you, the last thing you want to do is force her to make a decision. You need to go back to the way you were when you first started dating. Talk to her the same way on the phone, do the fun same dates, dress as nice as you used to, etc. She fell for you for a reason, dont think she doesnt want those same things just because a certain amount of time has passed. Also, you have to start appearing more non-needy. You do this by not asking about the relationship constantly, doing other things, and having a confident/fun/ attitude. Good luck
Author tomwiz Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 thank you, i believe your point of view its pretty valid....anyone else have any suggestions?
CaliGuy Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Me and my SO have been on a "break" for about a week now, she said that she needs some time. while normally I agree that this is a copout, with her, she seems to guinenly want to find herself..something I can't understand. Evidentally, her grammas final advice to her was that she'll never be happy with someone else until she is happy with herself. SHe has low self esteem and we have been having some problems lately, im sure that while things where going good, it was easy to push off, however things have been on the rocks lately and she has pulled away. After about 4 days of NC, i saw her at our local bar during an college alumni weekend. We were both drinking, i asked her if there was still an "us" to save, she said yes. I kissed her on the cheek and said we'll talk about stuff later, she thanked me for not putting pressure on her. I woke in the morning to find her calling me about 4 times, and texting me saying "i need you here..i miss you". I talked to her briefly in the morning, she said that she was fine and we have not talked since (this was thursday, I emailed her to ask her if this was how she realy felt or if it was just drunken talk, no reply as of yet). SHe deals with stress in an odd way, I know that she has midterms this week and probably can't deal with the stress of both. How long do i give something like this? What should I do? Help! The best way to handle this now is to give her space. Let her see what life is like without you. Just go on with your life as normal. Don't be needy or clingy with her. Be indepent, strong, confident and self-assured. No matter what happens, if you can make yourself happy alone, you'll find the right one for you. May not be this girl and that's something you have to be prepared for.
Author tomwiz Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 You don't feel that by still doing NC, itll drive someone who is not completely gone further away. She's the kind of person who if she finds out I was out hitting on other girls, she'd never look at me again. Actually reading back what I just said it kinda seems like the can't live with em can't live without em mantra
Lance Taylor Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Tom, just my opinion. But you appear to be afraid of losing her, which is normal. But you would be better off not letting her know that. Yeah, you should still let her know that you are interested, but it wouldnt be the end of the world if you didnt get back together. I know this is hard to do b/c you dont want to do anything that could possibly push her away, but the fact is that you have to be ok with losing her in order to get her back. That is the frame of mind you need: you want her back, but youve got a lot going on for you and if she doesnt want the same thing, then good luck to her. Keep that frame of mind and match your actions accordingly.
Author tomwiz Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Tom, just my opinion. But you appear to be afraid of losing her, which is normal. But you would be better off not letting her know that. Yeah, you should still let her know that you are interested, but it wouldnt be the end of the world if you didnt get back together. I know this is hard to do b/c you dont want to do anything that could possibly push her away, but the fact is that you have to be ok with losing her in order to get her back. That is the frame of mind you need: you want her back, but youve got a lot going on for you and if she doesnt want the same thing, then good luck to her. Keep that frame of mind and match your actions accordingly. You're right, I am scared to lose her. I kinda feel like this is my shot ya know, I realize im not that old (22), we've had it good and we had plans for stuff. But there was a change in her, I just wish I knew that she was going threw the same kinda worry I am. She's jsut so internalized when she has a problem, I talk to her friends more than she does realy about problems, she needs to talk to someone. She just kinda shuts down. I just wish I knew whether there is/was something to fight for or if its a lost cause and this is just oging to drag out
Krying Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Bah, I'm screwed. My ex did know and still does that I was/am afraid of losing her. Hardly the confident type right. I'm currently reading an ebook by Mark Campbell called "How To Turn Her Resistance Into Desperate Desire To Run Back To You", or in short, How To Get Your Ex Back. And the 3 main things so far, are confidence, security and being the one who needs a relationship the least.
Author tomwiz Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 the thing is, i'm not that unconfident of a guy and realize that I have alot going for me, im not hideous, im in graduate school, relatively well off and i'm a semi-proffesional fighter. I know I can get women if i want to, it just would really hurt her for me to go out talking and stuff to other girls. And even if she does breakup with me, I dont wana put her threw that, she's been threw enough.
datingmum Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Hey Krying, I just picked up a book called 'how to stop your divorce' by HOmer mcDonald. Might as well be called 'how to stop your breakup'. Full of fascinating techniques, which in my experience thus far have led to results.
Krying Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 datingmum, that is a good book I have heard. the problem with it though is that if you are in a position where you have no contact at all with your ex, it's not going to work is it. my ex screens her calls, so I can't call her. if I go over to her place, she will freak out and her dad will be pissed. emails just get ignored. so let's say I better myself, and become this confident, secure non whining sauve dude. she's not around to even notice. so it's useless in this regard. if you still have contact however with the person you want to fix things with, then by all means go right ahead. reverse psychology and NC and all that doesn't do jack if your ex is looking the other way and has no intention of looking back. she's moved on plain and simple.
Spinderella Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Be real, be you, dont play games, and respect her need for space.
Author tomwiz Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Spindrella...can you be more specific? Its been around 3 days since the message to her and still no response, I know midterms are rough and I shoudl give her her time however its really tough. she seems to be quite content not talking to anyone about it. No one (her friends included) have really heard from her since saturday. I can't really deal with this desolving with no resolution. I just wish she'd ask to talk either to try and make things work or to end things completely. I'm still respecting her need for space, but at this point its kinda making me feel like she doesnt care at all.
burchie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 im in the same boat trying to win my ex wife back but need help have been trying to get a copy of that ebook by mark campbell but cant find it anywhere. i see krying has a copy of it wonder if he/she would mind sending the rest of us a copy [FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=5][COLOR=#ff0000]How To Turn Her Resistance Into Desperate Desire To Run Back To You [/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hey Krying, I just picked up a book called 'how to stop your divorce' by HOmer mcDonald. Might as well be called 'how to stop your breakup'. Full of fascinating techniques, which in my experience thus far have led to results. I'd also suggest "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson). It teaches boundaries, what to do and what not to do and when to let go. One of the best books I've ever read on repairing relationships and knowing when to let go. Was also a GREAT read on boundaries and how begging and pleading serves to destroy, not repair relationships.
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