My wife..... the longest story in history.

[Kazan]

So.. my wife is a very long story.. and I guess i should be happy as to where she is at and that she is getting better.... but I'm still extremely sexually frustrated and sometimes hurt by how cold she is.

 

When she and I first met.. we had sex... lots and lots of sex... and she seemed to enjoy it... I am proud to say I was the first guy to ever make her orgasm. I am also sad to say that, because the guys that came before me are part of her current problem.

 

See.. her problem is that all the men before me treated her like ****, infact one of her exes had sex with her when she didn't want to, but she didn't feel she could say no.. so she didn't try. (That's rape in my book, and I'm sure it is in the effects on her mind/emotions even though she won't use the word). She also was raised in an atmosphere that fostered the "sex is bad" religio-bull**** (though it wasn't intentional by her parents, they wree just "not talk about it" kinda people.. so the negative connotations come from society).

 

[Prefix: before we got married.. i never really had any idea how bad she was in the head... so after all these manifested and I was frustrated with what she was doing to herself, etc I would often wonder "where did the woman I fell in love with disapear to?"]

 

My wife also has major depression (well controlled by her meds), bipolar (well controlled by her meds now - she did some VERY BAD self harm when a depression medication switch caused her bipolar to manifest bad [NEVER give an SNRI-based med to a bipolar].. so she's got scars on her legs), very mild ocd (That only manifests in concert with one of her other conditions... so as long as they're controlled it's mostly controlled), PTSD (related to her previous experiences with males!), and major anxiety. She is also behaviorally a people pleaser (and working on stopping that and getting to do things for herself)

 

So... lemme try to put things in a chronology now that some of the context is there.

 

When we first met we went at it like rabbits (yay!) but I found out later that much of that was "male pleasing". I should have suspected something at the time because we used to ALWAYS have to use artifical lube (but there is that "some girls just don't produce enough" stereotype.... that means they're not aroused enough bucko!). After about a year her libido started dropping just enough to frustrated me a little (i'd like to have sex 3-4 times a week... whereas she was fine sometimes with.... NONE). She figured it was the birth control causing this... so she tried various other ones.... including the shot... VERY BAD.. things got much worse... but then they got better again... i was still frustrated, but not "omg rip my hair out".

 

Then she started playing with her antidepressants.. thinking it was them (against my advice... i didn't think it was them). She switched from luvox to wellbutrin.... a small improvement in our sex life.... but not enough to justify ...

 

Then we got married (nov 11, 06)..... and she graduated from school. Kiss my sex life good by.. and then she started working an extremely stressful job we all told her not to do (working in a residential treatment center for troubled 13-17 year olds) - it was another form of self-flagellation.. her desire to work in that field.

 

she tried playing with her anti-depressants again..... switched to an SNRI and IMMEDIATELY she got bad.. very bad... like self harm leaving scars all over her legs bad... and this would be off and on for six months.... took me a month and her getting hospitalized (with the cops/doctors behavior making her ptsd worse) to convince her it was the SNRI... docs in the hospital immediately pulled all her meds, detoxed her system of her meds for 3 days, then put her back on luvox.. immediate improvement.

 

However... now the genie was out of the bottle... she had self harmed (very minor, no scars) long before I knew her (in high school) and had last self-harmed in 2000 before this year. Just getting her depression under control did not solve the problem, especially not with that under-paying-over-stressing-dip****-center of a job. ($20k/year for a high stress position that REQUIRES a 4-year degree) She continued having incidents..... then her job got a very big problem patient in... blair had to "restrain" this girl (their idea of "restraining" is basically "please don't do that"... no real restraint)... caused blair to have such an anxiety spike she SH'ed again... wound up in the hospital again.... and diagnosed with Bipolar (yay! normally that doesn't get diagnosed in females until 28.. so it got caught soon). She was put on meds to control the bipolar.. and they're doing a reasonably good job. So most of the neurochemical problems are under control...

 

the real problems are the non-organic thought disorders. During the above sequence of events she started seeing a therapist... and YAY he was helping her uncover and confront problems... somewhere in this process of confronting her problems she got slightly more relaxed about sex.. and for the first time ever actually got relaxed enough during foreplay with me to fully lube up and her vaginal muscles to relax enough for sex not to hurt (YAY! finally I gave give her 100% sexual pleasure and no pain!). Things are going well with her therapist until she had the new hospitalization because of the incident caused by the stress-causing girl mentioned above.

 

Then she quit her job (end of july)..... no more health insurance... wasn't able to see him for like 6 weeks until he did some pro-bono visits... during this time she read some books on self harm and stuff and realized..... all the men previous to me she had ever had any type of sexual relation ship.. all the way back to preschoolers exploring.. that she could remember was in some way abusive to her.

 

She got bad.... very fast... i couldn't touch my own wife for several days..... we were just going on a trip to see her relatives..... 3 days after this relevation she had sex with me.. yay... but the entire time she had to remind herself outloud "this is derek... not anyone else...." she actually relaxed then... but she was still kinda.. leery about being touched. She also admitted to me the kinda things I do to tell her "hey i'm interested in you" and do the little "low simmer" foreplay all day make her feel pressured.. not enticed *rips hair out* and basically build up a "brick wall" between her and arousal.... so I try not to do those things during the day.... so I basically don't know how to entice her into being interested now.

 

at this point her improvement only goes at a sails pace... and I am still feeling frustrated often about her lack of interest in me.

 

Well last thursday through sunday I was gone to my first ever national event for Belegarth Medieval Combat Society... she couldn't come because she had to work.. So this entire time I'm gone.. 4 days... i'm not used to not seeing my wife for that long... all kinds of girls are showing off their bodies in the 90-degree weather for the event... so when I get back.. i seriously want to bed my wife.... one of the first things she says to me after seeing me walk in... dirty.. unshowered from 4 days of camping and fighting in leather armor in mid-90s weather is "you look sexy" (yes!) I shower and them come to bed... she's not interested in doing anything other than talking (*sigh*.. but no frustration as it was midnight anyway so I knew she was tired)... then last night we go out to one of our favorite restaurants... come home... hop in bed.. and i start loving on her some to try and initiate foreplay.... all I get is a BRICK ****ING WALL "just cuddle with me" so i just lay there feeling rejected and fall alseep... I wake up this morning not feeling much better..

 

I'm really sick and tired of her idea of "I want sex to be spontaneous!" - to her that means... no sex in the morning (doesn't like).. no sex in the middle of the day (doesn't like).. no sex after 9pm (tired)... she gets off work at 7pm and it takes her an hour to drive home... so that leaves the hour immediately after he getting home for me to try to get her interested in sex... year right... no chance. There is no way for me to get interested in sex.... I'll be "OMG IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW" and she'll schedule sex for one or two days later.....

 

 

DAMMIT! I don't know what to do.. i'm so ****ing frustrated.. I want to feel desired... I want to feel like I married a woman.. not a block of ice!

[Mr. Lucky]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I wonder if all these over-lapping diagnosis are just excusing her from facing the problems, fears and experiences that we all have to deal with in our lives? Many of us (or our spouses) have had traumatic events, many have stressful jobs, many have worries and concerns. Both you and you wife (not to, in any way, make light of her problems) seem to have bought into her enhanced state of medical "victimhood" and one casualty of that mindset seems to be the intimacy missing from your marriage. I don't think you should feel bad or guilty for expecting more from her in this regard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kazan]

um those diagnoses are from trained medical professionals

[Cobra_X30]

Kazan, this woman needs your love!

 

It's very sad... I know that there are times in life you must put aside your needs and desires for someone you love.

 

Just make sure you do not sacrafice in vain! Make sure she knows when you feel rejected.

[Kazan]

in the past when i've let her know i feel rejected it only makes things worse

[Cobra_X30]

in the past when i've let her know i feel rejected it only makes things worse

 

Well, I know that is frustrating!

 

See I am having a problem with providing a solution to your situation.

 

Partly its my lack of info, partly I dont understand where your wife is at in her own mind.

 

Thus I am unsure what kind of man she needs you to be!

 

On one hand I see a loving and understanding husband may seem appropriate at the moment. However, often times women need a strong and independant husband who demands that they make the choice to move in a positive direction!

 

I've been where your at, at a much accelerated pace, the whole relationship lasted 1 year. I was loving and understanding at first, but when there was no change... I demanded that my needs be met, and that she begin to tackle her internal demons! I pushed and pushed and pushed... and it was good for a while... but eventually I got tired and just dumped her.

 

Do you understand why she cuts herself?

[JamesM]

In all situations, we have three possible choices....

 

Live with the situation and do nothing. Do you love her enough to stay with her as she is...with no possible change? Do you see why you married her? Can you continue with no change? I am guessing the answer is no, because otherwise you would not be here.

 

Love her enough to try to fix the situation. This may also require patience to live with the situation for awhile. If you choose to "fix" her, then you will need to remember that she must do the actual work. You can do the research and provide her with possible solutions. Find out what makes her act the way she does. Find out how others have dealt with people like her. And I am guessing that you are doing this because you are here.

 

Or you can leave her. Don't forget...it is quite probable that she will never be completely "normal." Whatever is causing her to be the way she is will never be out of yor life. It may be in a complete recession, but there is always the possibility that it will return. Do you want to continue with her knowing that this will always be a part of your marriage?

 

Since I am in a marriage with a wife who has some emotional and physical pain, I say this from experience. I have chosen the option to fix her. And I can happily say that many of our problems HAVE been solved for now. And I can say that to me she IS worth "fixing" because there is NO ONE else who can compare to her.

 

I have been in a marriage that has gone through a period of no sex...for a number of years. We still do not have a wonderful sex life, but it is much more acceptable. Two years ago, I would have been ecstatic to be where I am today. I came here almost two years ago because I too was at the end of the rope. Because of advice I received here regarding thyroiditis, I was able to present some solutions to my wife. She talked with her doctor and tried a new medicine. This was a huge improvement for her physically and emotionally. Why do I say this? Because it was from MY research that she is now better. Because of her depression and pain, she did not have the energy or hope that she would ever get better. I was able to give that to her.

 

So your job as husband is to discover why she is, why she is what she is, and provide solutions for her to become better than she currently is.

[4whatItsWorth]

Alright, am gonna sound very cold-hearted here but...you married her in "sickness and health". I haven't gotten raped in my life but I still see sex as "male-pleasing". I have sex more or less to please my fiancé, I could be fine without it.

 

Just because she had sex as a rabbit with you before you married her...it seems like that was one of the biggest reasons you married her the way you sound. Of course she won't want you to even touch her since it only seems like you touch her always wanting more...most women desire a cuddle the most when the guy only wants to get to the naughty parts...how bad don't you think that feels?! To always feel like the only thing you'd be to your guy is a "pleasure-toy"?

 

Your wife is on medication, and that she has tried to switch meant she so badly wanted to "fix" the problem and make you happy...but it seems now you're more or less thinking "No sex - then there is nothing left."

 

Look, I can understand guys view sex as "sign of love" - and trust me it is more a sign of love than you men will ever realise...but the more pressure a woman feels for sex - the LESS she will want it.

 

I recommend just romantisizing your wife, compliment, kiss the hand - anything that is NON-SEXUAL and let her know you love and appreciate her personality - not just her naughty-bits.

 

...and if that doesn't work you need to sit down and explain to her this is no longer working for you. She will start having sex with you in fear of losing you, not like it, and then eventually you'll be back here... I'd suggest talking to doctors, and try to organize something.

 

...problem is I don't think this problem will be fixed with more drugs.

 

Good luck anyways.

[Mr. Lucky]

...problem is I don't think this problem will be fixed with more drugs.

 

Good luck anyways.

What I was trying to say, but better said ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kazan]

4whatItsWorth if you want to try again with a lot less male hating and even less presumption (i never said anything about more meds)......

[Cobra_X30]

Look, I can understand guys view sex as "sign of love" - and trust me it is more a sign of love than you men will ever realise...but the more pressure a woman feels for sex - the LESS she will want it.

 

I recommend just romantisizing your wife, compliment, kiss the hand - anything that is NON-SEXUAL and let her know you love and appreciate her personality - not just her naughty-bits.

 

4WIW, I think you have a critical failure in understanding how Men think and feel. Most men dont see sex as a "sign of love", to us sex is love. Understand the difference, no sex no love, its that simple!

 

Kazan,

 

I think the underlined bits are a good idea if you do not already practice this.

[Kazan]

i already go all romantic

[Cobra_X30]

Do you understand why she hurts herself?

[whichwayisup]

If you google depression fallout, there is some very helpful info for you...

[Kazan]

Do you understand why she hurts herself?

 

yes and she doesn't really do it anymore... she got into a situation yesterday that normally she would have cut bad during.. and had the urges to do so.. but controlled them. she hasn't cut in several months now and the meds and therapy are getting that more under control

[lovelorcet]

Alright, am gonna sound very cold-hearted here but...you married her in "sickness and health". I haven't gotten raped in my life but I still see sex as "male-pleasing". I have sex more or less to please my fiancé, I could be fine without it.

 

Just because she had sex as a rabbit with you before you married her...it seems like that was one of the biggest reasons you married her the way you sound. Of course she won't want you to even touch her since it only seems like you touch her always wanting more...most women desire a cuddle the most when the guy only wants to get to the naughty parts...how bad don't you think that feels?! To always feel like the only thing you'd be to your guy is a "pleasure-toy"?

 

Your wife is on medication, and that she has tried to switch meant she so badly wanted to "fix" the problem and make you happy...but it seems now you're more or less thinking "No sex - then there is nothing left."

 

Look, I can understand guys view sex as "sign of love" - and trust me it is more a sign of love than you men will ever realise...but the more pressure a woman feels for sex - the LESS she will want it.

 

I recommend just romantisizing your wife, compliment, kiss the hand - anything that is NON-SEXUAL and let her know you love and appreciate her personality - not just her naughty-bits.

 

...and if that doesn't work you need to sit down and explain to her this is no longer working for you. She will start having sex with you in fear of losing you, not like it, and then eventually you'll be back here... I'd suggest talking to doctors, and try to organize something.

 

...problem is I don't think this problem will be fixed with more drugs.

 

Good luck anyways.

 

I am going to have to more or less agree with this (and I am a man). You see lack of sex as the problem but actually it is just a symptom of your wife's bigger problems.

 

Now if she has these types of depressive problem's then they must have also been there before you got married. You married her and keep in mind she is sick. Are you going to man up and help your wife?

 

Try and find a way to back off on the sex for a while. You putting her under so much pressure is not going to help things. Get yourself on a jerk off schedule or something so you are not always at her.

 

Try to help her get a grip on her self first and then start to work on the sex.

[Kazan]

Now if she has these types of depressive problem's then they must have also been there before you got married. You married her and keep in mind she is sick. Are you going to man up and help your wife?

 

you didn't read my entire first post - i said in there that these problems were in remission the entire time i knew her until after we got married and she took a high stress job at the same time as trying to adjust her meds.

[Cobra_X30]

yes and she doesn't really do it anymore... she got into a situation yesterday that normally she would have cut bad during.. and had the urges to do so.. but controlled them. she hasn't cut in several months now and the meds and therapy are getting that more under control

 

Here is what I was getting at! There are only a few reason's I know of why people display this cutting behavior! To deal with anger, To combat a feeling of numbness, or To calm youself in times of intense anxiety.

 

So which of of these best fits your wife!

 

Also did she need to see blood?

[Kazan]

anger, calm and blood

 

she has extreme problems expressing anger to others because there was always an environment of it only being acceptable for her step father to be angry. and she has a lot of justification to be angry at guys in her past.

 

she also found it calming, and liked seeing blood.

 

she hasn't cut in several months now

[lovelorcet]

you didn't read my entire first post - i said in there that these problems were in remission the entire time i knew her until after we got married and she took a high stress job at the same time as trying to adjust her meds.

 

So you are claiming that your wife hide all her problems during your courting?

[Kazan]

not intentionally... they were in remission.. i knew they were in her past, but that past was several years stale when i met her, and she had never done any cutting bad enough to leave a scar.

 

worst thing she had before we got married was a mild eating disorder.

[Cobra_X30]

anger, calm and blood

 

she has extreme problems expressing anger to others because there was always an environment of it only being acceptable for her step father to be angry. and she has a lot of justification to be angry at guys in her past.

 

she also found it calming, and liked seeing blood.

 

she hasn't cut in several months now

 

Well the fact that she has not cut is good. But the point is the root cause. Se you know that she has problems dealing with stress and has been trained to not express feelings... especially anger.

 

She may have justification to be angry with the men in her past... but we are talking about you here, not them.

 

So she has gone out of her way to please you in the past. Can you identify any reasons why she has stopped trying to make you happy?

[Kazan]

it's nothing particularly present causing her problems.. it's past... after the first year she always had a bit of libido problems.. but since her stuff came back bad it got really bad much of the time, with occasional bouts of awesomeness

[Cobra_X30]

I'm really sick and tired of her idea of "I want sex to be spontaneous!" - to her that means... no sex in the morning (doesn't like).. no sex in the middle of the day (doesn't like).. no sex after 9pm (tired)... she gets off work at 7pm and it takes her an hour to drive home... so that leaves the hour immediately after he getting home for me to try to get her interested in sex... year right... no chance. There is no way for me to get interested in sex.... I'll be "OMG IN THE MOOD RIGHT NOW" and she'll schedule sex for one or two days later.....

 

 

DAMMIT! I don't know what to do.. i'm so ****ing frustrated.. I want to feel desired... I want to feel like I married a woman.. not a block of ice!

 

Listen. I am quoting you here so that you realize that this is a problem now!

 

Yes, she has an issue with her past and getting over it. But each relationship creates its own baggage, and to claim that yours has not is simply denial on your part.

 

We have established that she has issues expressing her feelings, especially anger. So unless you persistently push her to express her anger with you... you just wont know!

 

So, How do you know that your wife is not angry and resentful with you for things you have done?

 

How do you know she was not upset for you leaving her to go to this medieval society show? Women are crazy like that sometimes!

 

Do you get what I'm saying here?

[lovelorcet]

This may sound a little blunt and my intention is not to offend you. The woman you describe as your wife could be my sister. I have watched my sister struggle for many years now.

 

I am not totally sure if you realize exactly what you have gotten yourself into here. This woman has a LONG road a head of her to before she may get into some kind of normal rhythm. It could be something like 3-5 years before she start to really stabilize herself.

 

Sex with you, from at least what you have written here, does not seem to be the issue. It is just a symptom of her bigger problems.

 

I think you have to decide if you are in this for the long hall here. Your wife is sick and are you man enough to stick it out now? You may need to have to put aside your sex issues for a while until she is in a place where she can work on that.