hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 So, I was in a relationship with a MM for over a year. His W pretty much knew but we always denied it. He used to call me every day 100 times a day and we would spend time together and he told me he was just waiting for her to leave him. Then one day, he said he couldn't take it anymore, that she was giving him such a hard time and he didn't think she was going anywhere and he just basically stopped calling me. he said he wanted a better life for me and that he loved me but he couldn't leave her because he would lose so much and he didn't want to lose his kids and he just didn't want to keep me waiting, because he didn't know how long it would take. Anyways, i'm not sure if this was all a lie, but i honestly don't think it was. The problem is though...I basically lost my mind here for a minute and sent a text message to his wife apologizing for lying to her and telling her that we were together. She didn't respond. Then a few weeks later my mother went by their house( I was with her) and she called him. So, then I get a call from thw wife saying some pretty harsh things and I told her it wasn't even me that called him and i said some pretty truthful, but mean things to her also. Basically, I caused a big problem for him, not really caused it, but exposed the truth of our relationship that he had been lying to her about for over a year now, she knew but he denied it. My question though is( i know, this is so stupid ) Is there any possible way I could get him to trust me again? not that he even deserves it and we currently haven't been in contact, but if he comes back, is there any way i could let him know that i was so much hurt by him wanting to leave me alone, after all that he promised me, suddenly...that i just wanted to hurt him and let her know that he lied to her about us. i guess maybe part of me wanted her to leave him, even though she won't, if she thinks theres something with us(she told him that ) I just want him to know that I love him and that I'm not like, some evil person that wanted to destroy his life or something. I know it could be seen that way but i don't know. i guess maybe i can't fix it, but i just wanted to know if anyone thinks there is anything i could do to make him understand that? i lied for him, to her, for over a year, to help him but when he acted like i didn't matter, i did something stupid, to try to ruin whatever was left of his relationship with her. I guess I'm just trying to justify it somehow, does anyone understand? I'm having a difficult time here and don't really have anyone to talk to. So, this helps even to write it out. any response would be appreciated.
greengoddess Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Please leave them alone and go on with your life.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I agree. How can I get a MM to trust me again after I snitch to his wife about all the F-ing we did Do you see the stupidity in your statement. Your in the fog right now! Let him go and find a sngle available guy to be with, why would you want a married man anyway's?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 My question though is( i know, this is so stupid ) Is there any possible way I could get him to trust me again? No. The worst thing you can do to a MM/MW is expose them to their spouse, particularly when leaving the spouse was never part of the picture. The only way he will even consider coming back to you, is if his wife kicks him out and he literally has nowhere else to go. Even then, he may not. The only person he should be angry with is himself - unfortunately, you gave him the mother of all scapegoating opportunities with the "contact the W" thing. Your worth to him lay squarely in your ability to be discreet and not upset his status quo. You messed up both, and therefore lost your worth to him. Best to move on.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Your worth to him lay squarely in your ability to be discreet and not upset his status quo. You messed up both, and therefore lost your worth to him. Exactly, you nailed it.
child_of_isis Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 This is so wrong on so many levels. You didn't destroy his R, he did by cheating and lying to his W. Yes, you were an accomplice and that was wrong. BUT...it was you who eventually told her the truth, not him. Maybe you did it for the wrong reasons, but what is done is done. At least now she knows. Here are the cold hard facts of life....when push came to a shove, he threw you under the bus to save his own butt. So, the issue is not whether he can trust you...but whether you can trust him. You can't. He proved that. This scenario is quite common. I just want him to know that I love him and that I'm not like, some evil person that wanted to destroy his life or something. I know it could be seen that way but i don't know. i guess maybe i can't fix it, but i just wanted to know if anyone thinks there is anything i could do to make him understand that? i lied for him, to her, for over a year, to help him but when he acted like i didn't matter, i did something stupid, to try to ruin whatever was left of his relationship with her. I guess I'm just trying to justify it somehow, does anyone understand? I'm having a difficult time here and don't really have anyone to talk to. So, this helps even to write it out. any response would be appreciated.
child_of_isis Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Bingo...the best quote ever! Your worth to him lay squarely in your ability to be discreet and not upset his status quo. You messed up both, and therefore lost your worth to him. Best to move on.
hot123 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 *delusions...:bunny:in my blind rage i misspelled a word...oopsiedaisie...lol!
CAT100 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 ^ You know this is a forum FOR the OW right?? People here are ALREADY the OW so what is the point of preaching to them about something thats already happened? Do you think they'll read your post, see the light & dump their MM?
greengoddess Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 ^ You know this is a forum FOR the OW right?? People here are ALREADY the OW so what is the point of preaching to them about something thats already happened? Do you think they'll read your post, see the light & dump their MM? lol what are you talking about? She was already dumped. The question was whether or not to chase him? I would think most other woman would say no it's over. You were kicked to the curb.
vaguelette Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Ah, but there may be just one more turn of the screw (excuse the pun), yet. MM may well 'give you another chance' ... so long as you promise to never, ever contact his wife/mother/aunt/neighbour/cat and expose your undying lurve for each other but will also remain sexually available to him whenever he needs an ego boost. And you will make that promise, OP, because of course, you're not worthy of a healthy relationship.
CAT100 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 lol what are you talking about? She was already dumped. The question was whether or not to chase him? I would think most other woman would say no it's over. You were kicked to the curb. Lol, the posts I was responding to have been deleted, so now my post doesnt make sense.. I agree, if I was the OP I would leave it now. I can understand she wants to explain her actions to MM but I dont really see the point- unless she wants to get back with him of course. This is not a good idea IMO
greengoddess Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Lol, the posts I was responding to have been deleted, so now my post doesnt make sense.. I agree, if I was the OP I would leave it now. I can understand she wants to explain her actions to MM but I dont really see the point- unless she wants to get back with him of course. This is not a good idea IMO Oh that's funny. i could not imagine what you were talking about. That got deleted quick then. lol I think we're being watched here.
TogetherForever Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Ah, but there may be just one more turn of the screw (excuse the pun), yet. MM may well 'give you another chance' ... so long as you promise to never, ever contact his wife/mother/aunt/neighbour/cat and expose your undying lurve for each other but will also remain sexually available to him whenever he needs an ego boost. And you will make that promise, OP, because of course, you're not worthy of a healthy relationship. That's too funny vaguelette:laugh: Undying luuuuuurve, forged by the stars of course;).
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 i said some pretty truthful, but mean things to her also. You don't have the right to say anything mean to her. That's why he ultimately choose her and not you. Whatever reasons he told you, he lied.
Tomcat33 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 So, I was in a relationship with a MM for over a year. His W pretty much knew but we always denied it. He used to call me every day 100 times a day and we would spend time together and he told me he was just waiting for her to leave him. Then one day, he said he couldn't take it anymore, that she was giving him such a hard time and he didn't think she was going anywhere and he just basically stopped calling me. he said he wanted a better life for me and that he loved me but he couldn't leave her because he would lose so much and he didn't want to lose his kids and he just didn't want to keep me waiting, because he didn't know how long it would take. Anyways, i'm not sure if this was all a lie, but i honestly don't think it was. The problem is though...I basically lost my mind here for a minute and sent a text message to his wife apologizing for lying to her and telling her that we were together. She didn't respond. Then a few weeks later my mother went by their house( I was with her) and she called him. So, then I get a call from thw wife saying some pretty harsh things and I told her it wasn't even me that called him and i said some pretty truthful, but mean things to her also. Basically, I caused a big problem for him, not really caused it, but exposed the truth of our relationship that he had been lying to her about for over a year now, she knew but he denied it. My question though is( i know, this is so stupid ) Is there any possible way I could get him to trust me again? not that he even deserves it and we currently haven't been in contact, but if he comes back, is there any way i could let him know that i was so much hurt by him wanting to leave me alone, after all that he promised me, suddenly...that i just wanted to hurt him and let her know that he lied to her about us. i guess maybe part of me wanted her to leave him, even though she won't, if she thinks theres something with us(she told him that ) I just want him to know that I love him and that I'm not like, some evil person that wanted to destroy his life or something. I know it could be seen that way but i don't know. i guess maybe i can't fix it, but i just wanted to know if anyone thinks there is anything i could do to make him understand that? i lied for him, to her, for over a year, to help him but when he acted like i didn't matter, i did something stupid, to try to ruin whatever was left of his relationship with her. I guess I'm just trying to justify it somehow, does anyone understand? I'm having a difficult time here and don't really have anyone to talk to. So, this helps even to write it out. any response would be appreciated. He knows you are not evil, trust me, he knows why you did it and what brought you to that point. He'll come around on his own, they always do. Mine swore we were done for good after I confronted his W he came around not even two weeks later. And continued to pursue me for 6 months after that. TRUST me on this, he may be angry at you today but if he really cares about you he'll come looking for you even though you "betrayed" him. I too said "mean" things to my ex's W, but they were straight out of the horse's mouth. I felt bad because I could tell it hurt her to hear those things, chances are she prob thought I made them up but doesn't matter, I blew his cover and demasked him and that was my goal and she is left with the doubt either way. You have to open these women's eyes except some of them don't want to know.. You did what you had to... too bad for him, but that's life.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I just want him to know that I love him and that I'm not like, some evil person that wanted to destroy his life or something. I know it could be seen that way but i don't know. i guess maybe i can't fix it, but i just wanted to know if anyone thinks there is anything i could do to make him understand that? i lied for him, to her, for over a year, to help him but when he acted like i didn't matter, i did something stupid, to try to ruin whatever was left of his relationship with her You made a big mistake, you didn't think with your head, you let your emotions take over, cross the line and do something now that I think you regret....But, what's done is done, no point in looking back. You can't control how he feels now, or what he does. Give him space, don't try to contact him at all because if you do, there's a good chance he'll either ignore you or tell you something that you really don't want to hear. Take this time for you and heal yourself. If you are in alot of pain and having trouble managing, then seek some therapy to help you cope. This is out of your hands now, it's best you stay out of their marriage. IF his wife decides to forgive him and give him a second chance, then it really is over between you two. If she kicks him out, do you really want him? Do you really want a man who is capable of lying, deceiving, and cheating? Just think about this because this man said vows to his wife infront of family and friends...They built a life together and had children together AND that wasn't enough to keep him faithful to his wife. Could you ever fully trust him.... Good luck and I hope you do your best to let go of this man.
Tomcat33 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Correction, (and I forgot about this...) mine took out a fake profile two days after D-day and passed himself off as another man and tried to befriend me online and get into my head re my past rels. I knew it was him, I knew he was trying to find out if I was ok and I played along, this went on for a week until I was certain it was him and he was so concerned with wanting to know about my last rel and if I loved him if I cared about him if what I had was love for this last man, so obvious it ws him and was freaked out because I betrayed his trust and this threw him for a loop. His big insecurity must have been that I never loved him, that I was toying with him. He even said that in not so many words, that I broke my "exes heart" meaning him. How twisted. I had forgotten about this small tidbit of very valuable information ...the point being, he may think you don't love him because you betrayed his trust and though you may never have a way of knowing what he is thinking he may very well be thinking this but OH WELL. Let him have doubts, god knows you have yours right? Why did you confront his W if you don't mind me asking? Did you want it to end for good or did you do it to get him to leave? I did it to end if for good I literally wanted nothing more to do with him.
PoshPrincess Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 My question though is( i know, this is so stupid ) Is there any possible way I could get him to trust me again? not that he even deserves it and we currently haven't been in contact, but if he comes back, is there any way i could let him know that i was so much hurt by him wanting to leave me alone, after all that he promised me, suddenly...that i just wanted to hurt him and let her know that he lied to her about us. i guess maybe part of me wanted her to leave him, even though she won't, if she thinks theres something with us(she told him that ) I just want him to know that I love him and that I'm not like, some evil person that wanted to destroy his life or something. I know it could be seen that way but i don't know. i guess maybe i can't fix it, but i just wanted to know if anyone thinks there is anything i could do to make him understand that? i lied for him, to her, for over a year, to help him but when he acted like i didn't matter, i did something stupid, to try to ruin whatever was left of his relationship with her. I guess I'm just trying to justify it somehow, does anyone understand? I'm having a difficult time here and don't really have anyone to talk to. So, this helps even to write it out. any response would be appreciated. If this guy loves you then he will understand WHY you did it, no matter what. He may not thank you for doing what you did but will know you're hurting big time. At the moment though, his priority is his family so, as he is understanding of what you have done, you have to do the same for him. Give him space and do not contact him. As you know (as cliched as it sounds), if it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, don't put any pressure on him. Take it from one who knows!
sadbuttrue Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 i agree, it is over. he made his choice and it is not you. he is probably at home doing his very very best to suck up to the wife. and if she has already said she is not leaving, then i dont see any chance that he would willingly leave either. and now that you have done to the MM what they most fear i think, the chance that he will come back for you is slim. he already knows you have the nerve to tell off on him, he will want someone much more docile next time.
Author hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 I agree. How can I get a MM to trust me again after I snitch to his wife about all the F-ing we did Do you see the stupidity in your statement. Your in the fog right now! Let him go and find a sngle available guy to be with, why would you want a married man anyway's? I never told her about all the f--ing we did. Although, I did sort of mention that we had before, I didn't directly say we did though. I think your in the wrong forum, to be judging people for being with a MM or a MW. Seeing that this is a forum specifically FOR THAT. I know it is not the best thing for me, obviously and I never planned to be with a married man and obviously a single man would be much better. Thank you for pointing that out because I would never of thought of that on my own!
Author hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Leave them alone lest you appear to be even more of a bunny boiler. Their marriage is none of your business, so stay out of it. YOU're having a difficult time? And they aren't?????????? I never said they weren't having a difficult time......GOOD though. I hope they are. Atleast they aren't over there happy while I'm feeling miserable. He deserves to be miserable also. This was his idea and he deserves to have a little pain out of it also, if nothing else. I know that is mean in a way but he did this to her, i know i was a part of it but if he wasn't happy with her, he should of dealt with it another way.
Author hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 The relationship wasn't even all about sex. we did have sex, but rarely. not enough to make it even worth it, for him, in my opinion. His wife gave him H-LL over me and he still chose to continue to be with me. Of course he didn't tell her that. I'm not even sure I want another chance, I just want him to understand why I did it. Ah, but there may be just one more turn of the screw (excuse the pun), yet. MM may well 'give you another chance' ... so long as you promise to never, ever contact his wife/mother/aunt/neighbour/cat and expose your undying lurve for each other but will also remain sexually available to him whenever he needs an ego boost. And you will make that promise, OP, because of course, you're not worthy of a healthy relationship.
Author hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 You don't have the right to say anything mean to her. That's why he ultimately choose her and not you. Whatever reasons he told you, he lied. I didn't say anything mean to her until she said something mean to me...AND what I said wasn't even really all that mean, I just called her crazy and told her that she didn't know what she was talking about and told her that i knew she was lying...and a few other things about me and him. They weren't really "mean"..they were just the truth, which was mean for her to know, but i felt like she deserved to know, that her husband was just waiting for her to leave so he could be with someone else. He might of lied, but I don't think so. I know that sounds untrue coming from the OW, who just wants it to be that he didn't lie, which is partly true...BUT...I am almost positive that he did not lie to me. I've heard things from her about them that make me believe what he has told me. Wether it's true or not....
Author hollaxatholly Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Thank you, I'm glad someone atleast understand...I figure that, if he really loved and cared about me like he seems to have, he will have to "forgive me"..because i have explained to him that. I try to put myself in his situation...and I can understand him being angry, because I caused a huge fight. I can also think that I would forgive him...and atleast understand a little bit. Yeah, I think she knew already but part of her wanted to believe somehow that it wasn't the truth, and she didn't have any 100% proof...so, i only gave it to her. I could of made it ALOT worse, probably. I just figure if it's meant to be, he'll come back...either way, I guess I'm the winner here because either he comes back or I'm free to find someone who will love me. She's choosing to hold on to a man, threatening him with his children. She's just so...stuck up, it makes me so mad. Part of me is happy I knocked her down a little bit though, she thinks she's so great and beautiful and he would never even think to look at another woman, (she even TOLD me that before, ugh, i just agreed with her and told her there was nothing, so i could keep my job) especially not one that works for him (he was my boss at my old crappy job) so...now she knows better, atleast. He knows you are not evil, trust me, he knows why you did it and what brought you to that point. He'll come around on his own, they always do. Mine swore we were done for good after I confronted his W he came around not even two weeks later. And continued to pursue me for 6 months after that. TRUST me on this, he may be angry at you today but if he really cares about you he'll come looking for you even though you "betrayed" him. I too said "mean" things to my ex's W, but they were straight out of the horse's mouth. I felt bad because I could tell it hurt her to hear those things, chances are she prob thought I made them up but doesn't matter, I blew his cover and demasked him and that was my goal and she is left with the doubt either way. You have to open these women's eyes except some of them don't want to know.. You did what you had to... too bad for him, but that's life.
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