Sanslatete Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I'm having one of the days that I wish I hadn't woken up from. It all started with a dream and now I'm at work doing this when I should be busy. I dreamt of the good times and it was so real, I could even hear her voice like it was in my ear. Then I woke up to the reality of now and my world crumbled again. It's really a struggle to get through these days, everything reminds me of her on days like this and my mind alternates between the happy times and the break up. I can't even have lunch without remembering what she used to have and it drives me nuts. I just want to get past this, it's like a virus in my brain that won't let me settle. I want to scream but I'd look like a loon, but every fibre of me is in deep longing for something that is dead. I want to call her, text her, e-mail her, but I know it would do no good, I'd just end up feeling worse and looking foolish and weak. I hate myself for feeling like this and putting my life on hold. I know she isn't suffering like this and is probably well over me. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she's still got control over me. I want her life to go down the ****ter and for her to get really hurt. I want her to struggle with her days like I am, because she's the one who did this to me, she's the one who made all the decisions but she seems like the better off one while I'm here on this forum, scraping through my existence. I tremble at the thought of her nowadays, and not pleasantly, I want to get back at her but it seems futile and immature, why do I get left with the cross to bear and she has the life of no-regret? I'm angry and sad and in mourning and bereft and anxious and wallowing and temperamental and unsettled. What did I do to end up here? What's it all about? I can't concentrate on anyhing and everything has no meaning, I just 'get by' these days and the future looks bleak and dark. Sounds depressing doesn't it? But it's something she left me with after all I did to love her and make her feel loved. This is punishment....for what?....I don't know.
Bosiell Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I feel your hurt. I have had a shocker to today. Just as I thought I was getting better. I must keep telling myself that its just one of those days, and hopefully it is. But christ why doesnt this **** just go away. I know all to well you cant change the past, so why the hell do I think of nothing but! Deep breathes, be strong.. Aaaargh..
Double D Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Hey! I hear you but tomorrow is another day and we keep going. You dont know what tomorrow will bring. I think about the ex constantly and its been 11 months since we broke up yet she still very much occupies almost my every thought and it is draining but we keep going. Keep going mate and do something today you really like doing. You deserve it.
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Oh yes, bad day. At least right now it is. I chose to torture myself and checked the web to see if my ex's new gf has a myspace. Of course she does and what picture do you think is up there? The two of them.. of course. It made me want to throw up. I also wanted to write her to let her know her new lovely bf was having sex with me while they were together. Cheated on you already! I feel pathetic, like that something to be proud of!? Screw him. I am sure it will be a loving, trusting relationship. They are off to a good start. A--hole. Sorry, I had to vent! Thank you guys. Hang in there!!!
Surfer Girl Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I think sometimes...we become so familiar with the pain... It becomes harder to move on... It becomes almost addictive...We all have those timelines to experience the emotions and every one is different in how long the healing takes.... Are we becoming victims to experiencing this pain that is constant in our lives?
Curious139 Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I think sometimes...we become so familiar with the pain... It becomes harder to move on... It becomes almost addictive...We all have those timelines to experience the emotions and every one is different in how long the healing takes.... Are we becoming victims to experiencing this pain that is constant in our lives? You ask a good question. Honestly I don't know were the line is between experiencing the pain and growing beyond it, as compared with keeping the pain alive and wallowing in it. We are all individuals so cope in different ways and on differing time-scales. I'm 3 1/2 months on now and most of the pain is over with. Yesterday was a bad day but I'm back to just moments of sadness today. I haven't got to acceptance yet but it will come eventually. Best wishes.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Almost found acceptance, but still with the pangs of sadness. Today was better but not by much, I just want to get through this and wake up someday not remembering her first.
Biker2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Sans, Seems like you were not the only one waking up to a bad day yesterday...Not sure which way to turn these days. I have read a few novels (maybe a few self help books for good measure), focused on work, cycling and running workouts, hanging out w/ old and new friends, and even tried a few dates...still feel nothing. Doing some of these events just makes me feel like they are lost opportunities that I would have had w/ the ex... Surfergirl - you are right about the pain. It's mine... a sort of badge of courage. I feel pathetic at times that I have allowed it to control me for the past few months. Hope everybody is having a better one today!
Author Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Biker, I know what you mean about trying things and feeling nothing. I've done the same as you but I don't feel anything encouraging, just numb. I too feel that they are missed opportunities with the ex and just wish she could be there doing them with me. I'm hoping to get through all this and start to have emotions again, apart from just feeling dead inside. Today was a bit better but I always crash at least twice a day, head full of memories...etc, and the evenings/mornings are torture. Good luck in the future, I hope we earn our wings again.
serendip Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I get what you mean...the good memories are overwhelming sometimes...then comes the anger with the cheating....then the sadness that you can't ever be together again that part of you and her is over
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Today is actually worse than yesterday. I am ready to run to the bathroom at work to cry. I had hoped that he would call or text. I half expected it as he usually does when I don't contact him but he hasn't. He has moved on. The reality is setting in... I have been waiting for that phone call or text to keep me going.. to get me through a few more days. He's my drug. The drama is my drug. The pain is something I am used to now and somehow I must crave that as well. Like you said Sansalete Evenings and morning.. the worst. This morning I am sitting at my desk torturing myself with photos I found from a holiday we took. I want to contact... but I won't. I hope you guys are having a better day.
niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I think sometimes...we become so familiar with the pain... It becomes harder to move on... It becomes almost addictive...We all have those timelines to experience the emotions and every one is different in how long the healing takes.... Are we becoming victims to experiencing this pain that is constant in our lives? I was discussing that with my mother last night. I was telling her how easy it is to get caught up in the sadness and how heavy it can become when it encompasses every aspect of your life. To be able to look forward and take one day at a time as they come will help tremendously in the long run. I ALWAYS tell myself to just live for that day and not worry what tomorrow will bring. It brings a little sense of comfort to the overall picture.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 I constantly want to contact her, Newtotheblogthing, it's a daily battle not to. Things happen in my day that I want to tell her about, like I used to, but I have to supress the urge and get on with it. It's misery, these days, I try to put a front on but I just feel like crying all the time. I still can't believe it all happened, how did it happen? One minute I loved and was loved, the next, my life is a mess and my future is bleak and unsure. I try not to look at photos or listen to songs that remind me of her, I'm not strong enough yet and it would just drag me down deeper. She was my life and without her, I don't really have one. It's an existence.
Bosiell Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Please please please, just keep living the moment, each moment, nothing more nothing less. Dont think of anything that you can no longer or never have been able to control, the past or the future. Your path is only ever each passing second or each breath you take. Dont cling to hope or run from fear. Be calm and remember who is in charge of YOUR life.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Thanks. I do just live my 'life' day to day, there are no long-term plans nowadays, I just get through each one as they come.
marty Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Its very heart warming to see others are feeling EXACTLY the way i am. 3.5 months for me. ..............................will it ever end.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 It's sh&t isn't it? Just found that she's blocked my phone number on her phone now. Talk about kicking you when you're down.
Bosiell Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I have these two threads in my IE favs. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130816/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1354093&posted=1#post1354093 Qwankannes 1st post #6
Author Sanslatete Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Another day of memories today, Sundays are the worst for that I think. Autumn was a favourite time of ours, leaf strewn paths and reds and browns. It's difficult to get by without her but I'm doing what I can.
MattyTee Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Keep strong Sans! Memories are with me too today
marty Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Another day of memories today, Sundays are the worst for that I think. Autumn was a favourite time of ours, leaf strewn paths and reds and browns. It's difficult to get by without her but I'm doing what I can. one day at a time m8. and trust the process. http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2006/12/05/after-the-breakup/
Bosiell Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 . The reality is setting in... I have been waiting for that phone call or text to keep me going.. to get me through a few more days. He's my drug. The drama is my drug. The pain is something I am used to now and somehow I must crave that as well. Exactly in the same position over last few days. Its like a second attack on my heart after the initial breakup shock. Coming to terms with that there is no hope left. Maybe in a few days it will be a good thing, the final clutch has broken. No choice now but to take a deep breath and move on. But right now I feel like crapola.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I've felt crap today too, another Sunday and another day without her. It gets scary sometimes, I was with her for over six years and I got kinda institutionalised, it's like withdrawal pains that don't seem to get any better. I have better days but I know, sooner or later, I'm going to have a relapse. Something'll remind me, then I'll get the pangs and off we go to a town called misery.
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