kirikat Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I know that there is nothing that anyone here can really say... but I just need to write. I am failing. I wake up, and I begin to cry, and I dont know how to stop. I have a voice in my head telling me that she really doesnt want to be alive anymore. I am not suicidal, just disappointed to wake up in the morning. I am tired beyond comprehension. I am sick to my soul. I feel as if 8 weeks ago, I got cut, and now the wound is deelply infected and is poisoning my blood. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was getting better.... honestly, this guy wasnt worth this, I cannot see that he could be the cause of so many tears. I dont want him back, he hurt me and played with my heart - I sold myself out to be with him. But I feel like such a loser - I think I will be alone all the days of my life. Boys like me, it is not that I long for companionship if I want it. But, I do not think I will ever have a life partner, ever have someone who stays - ever have someone I dont have to wear a mask for. I am frightened, and lonely, and I have to take care of my home, my job, my baby - I cannot fall apart, but I cannot seem to bring myself together.
Sanslatete Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I too have days like this. Only today I dreamt of her and had to get up immediately and busy myself. I still have the images of the dream in my head and I know they'll be there all day now, bringing me down. I loved that woman with my life and now I'm bereft and half the man I used to be. I have days when I can (almost) put it to the back of my mind, but they're few and far between and today isn't one of them. I only wish this summer hadn't happened and I wasn't wading through this lake of molassis. I have a deep sadness that never leaves me now and I doubt whether it ever will. She was 'everything' to me and without her I feel I have nothing. Take care kirikat, we're struggling through this together 'hugs'.
lonelybird Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through, I understand what you feel. I had self loathing stage as well, the only thing in my head is one little man keeping beating me, critisize every failure I did, won't give me a break and glad to see me kill myself. I know all the things that beat the negativeness, I just need one step at a time to get out this nut. You know, If everyone is honest, they would say "life is hard", nothing would come easily to us, not mention the love. But one thing greatly comfort my heart is that I know Lord is always with me, and I can call for his help, and he will. Maybe he won't send million dallors at once, but sure he will give me peace and hope to look forward. and strengthen me through all how do you know that you won't find a life partner? Probably your past made you get this conclusion, but IT IS NOT TRUE. just that negativeness hit you right now, but after a while you will be happy again, trust me, life is like circles, time to be sad, and time to be happy, the important thing is that remember you are not alone. If in the past you made bad decisions, and choose wrong guys, that doesn't mean in the future you still do so. we always can learn and reprogramm our mind. maybe one day you will appreciate your ex because he taught your so many lessons I pray strength and light and hope come to your way
Spinderella Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 You need to find inner strength, and that centre within, that never fails you. I need to find it too.
brerfox Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 hey, kiricat well, this last breakup is possibly the hardest, but I think that I am handling this one...without freaking out so much, because I am physically healthier. I am walking as much as possible, and this is the easy part, I am trying to take herbal remedies ~the ones that help mostly are B vitamins, Carnitine, and Gotu Kola. I am not trying to be a pusher, but I am trying not to get to the point where I need to go back on anti depressants or chemicals, you know? I've done that, been there...too many side effects. After my ex left I got dreadfully sick, and after not smoking for 2 days I decided to give that up...and suddenly food really tastes better. I decided to eat whatever I want as long as it benefits me...my ex always watched my weight, but I am watching out for me! So if I want to drink soymilk with instant coffee all day long, it makes the day run smoother...and I filled up the cupboards with easy foods, since although I enjoy cooking, I have alot of hobbies (he said I didnt have any) and doing dishes just isnt one of them, and I have a child :bunny:to look after too, but he would honestly rather have yogurt and cereal, or a hot dog than something I spent alot of time on anyways... It still hurts though. But I know feeling better helps...oh yeah and I bought some c.ds ...especially one I know he hates, because I need some new songs...and the only one I need to cater to now is my son:love: and that takes all my energy and more. you're alright. Stay strong. p.s my ex is living off of booze and $2 pizzas ~ it just strengthens my resolve
carrotgirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Kirikat, it went against everything I thought I believed in for me to accept the doc's offer of happy meds but I was in such a bad way I needed to do something. I recommend talking to your doctor about trying some kind of medication or other therapy to help you get through this. Don't let this spiral out of control.... You need to be able to function at work! Carrot
fabulousgal Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Kirikat, it went against everything I thought I believed in for me to accept the doc's offer of happy meds but I was in such a bad way I needed to do something. I recommend talking to your doctor about trying some kind of medication or other therapy to help you get through this. Don't let this spiral out of control.... You need to be able to function at work! Carrot KKat, I agree. Even talk therapy can help, until you make a decision about meds. I hope you feel better.
Faith4u Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 You see, I wrote to another person earlier saying that life is interesting because of its experiences and the unkown. You direct your life the way you want. So, if your perception is blurred you will hit more rocks and make some bad decisions. Men are everywhere!!!!!!!!! I know that when love is envolved we feel failure when we loose what we want and what we put our heart into, but it is still true that life is full of other men. So, when you are ready, the man that you need will be there. If you stay down and relive in your head the unfairness that this man gave you, you will only go down deeper. You said you have a baby, great, people are dying to have a beautiful baby, are you healthy? soome people are dying from cancer! You know what I mean? NOBODY deserves this pain. Take care of yourself day by day without looking much ahead for a couple of months and enjoy every day bit by bit. ALl the best to you. PS: Join the gym! or do an activity that lifts your spirit. I know that there is nothing that anyone here can really say... but I just need to write. I am failing. I wake up, and I begin to cry, and I dont know how to stop. I have a voice in my head telling me that she really doesnt want to be alive anymore. I am not suicidal, just disappointed to wake up in the morning. I am tired beyond comprehension. I am sick to my soul. I feel as if 8 weeks ago, I got cut, and now the wound is deelply infected and is poisoning my blood. I thought I was doing better, I thought I was getting better.... honestly, this guy wasnt worth this, I cannot see that he could be the cause of so many tears. I dont want him back, he hurt me and played with my heart - I sold myself out to be with him. But I feel like such a loser - I think I will be alone all the days of my life. Boys like me, it is not that I long for companionship if I want it. But, I do not think I will ever have a life partner, ever have someone who stays - ever have someone I dont have to wear a mask for. I am frightened, and lonely, and I have to take care of my home, my job, my baby - I cannot fall apart, but I cannot seem to bring myself together.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 In these situations, one thing to really pay attention to is the language you use. You say "I'm failing," and "I feel like a loser." Well, if you think it, you be it. At a time like this, every day is a challenge. Just plan to get through each day. Tell yourself good things. Remember what it is that made you so attractive in the first place. Don't tell yourself that you suck or that you are a loser. What you are is a human being, with real feelings and emotions. You are only 8 weeks in!!! If you weren't grieving, I'd be worried about you. It would mean you weren't going through the process of healing. Do whatever you need to do to indulge yourself - an ice cream sundae - a day in bed - a good book - therapy - anything you need to take care of yourself. Someday you WILL get through this. I promise.
JamesM Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I know that there is nothing that anyone here can really say... but I just need to write. I think that the part of you inside that still wants a solution so that you can go forward disagrees with this statement. You know that someone may be able to help you. Deep down underneath that fog is the real you who knows that this is not the end. I have dealt with depression...not the same reasons as you, but I know that during those times, I could not focus on the possibility that life can get better. Having gone through such dark times, I can now say that things could get better. No one can guarantee it, but I can confidently say that it is a high likeliehood that in a short time you will feel differently. Please read the responses that you are given here. Go through threads that describe similar situations to yours. I am certain that something will be here that can help. Hang in there. Life will get better...almost guaranteed...from a guy who has been in that valley of depression. And rather than indulge in yourself, try a different angle...do things for other people. It has been shown that in many cases, focusing on the problems of others can be very helpful in providing solutions for yourself. Your mind becomes less concerned with your problems and begins to find answers to solve them. When you keep focusing on your own woes, you get swallowed up by them. This keeps you from finding solutions from an objective view. And yes, it worked for me.
Author kirikat Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks for all your concern folks - but this was a couple of weeks ago. I met with my beloved last night. He misses me. Wants me back in his life. AS A FWB. I think ... um.... not. The request itself was rather curative however. ______ Heres the story: Last night was horrible and wonderful, and the cure was so much easier than the disease. I am so disappointed in him, and so ashamed of him, and so embarrassed for him - you have no idea. The Libra part of me wants to understand how he feels - but the rest of me no longer cares. I offered him friendship. I offered him love. I made no real demands on him, except that he behave like a boyfriend. He responded by saying he missed me (I believe him.) and didnt like me not being in his life. And then he suggested a relationship based on casual sex. Excuse ME? When he finally almost got to 'maybe I can try' - he took it back with "but I dont want to marry you" EXCUSE ME? Then, he kisses me. Nothing. My feral little girl who was so in love with him wasnt buying it. I look at him.... I say.... "My knees aren't weak". So he pushes me against the wall, feels me up, whatever. Nothing. Not a Thing. No Response. Nada. My soul is no longer going for it either. On top of all of this, he gets an STD, and then - when I ask about this one month story, he says in Italian that she was just a.... pussy. And I thought, Oh my goodness. What a thing to say about someone whose bed you were in. I feel kind of diry about this whole matter. Like in that old movie, where the man looks at the woman (was this gone with the wind?) and says "Your not clean enough to be with the children" - thats kinda how I am feeling about Ale at the moment. Marry me? He isnt good enough for me. Not by a long shot. Not by a mile. I don't want to believe I have spent 3 months crying over this guy. I really want to continue loving him, out of my ideals about this... so I suppose I should attempt to continue having some compassion. But... the truth is? Hmmm... He's not my job anymore.
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