forbidden fruit Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 It has been a little over a month of strict NC. I have not seen him and he has stayed away from me for the first time and I am staying away from him. I am continuing to heal and I do still miss him, but it is getting easier. My question is do they come back around when they realize you aren't? My friends and family still want me to have my guard up because they think he will come aroung with sweet nothings. He did this the last time after three months of NC, but maybe this time he is done. If he is done why can't he at least be civil? I am trying to take the higher road and even being nice to W even thought it is killing me. I have had more contact with her than him.
OWoman Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 If he is done why can't he at least be civil? FF if what he does or says still gets to you, then YOU aren't entirely done! Done is when a building could fall on his head as you walked past him and you'd pause only slightly to brush the dust off your sleeve before carrying on walking. If how he is - what he does - what he says - still matters to you then HE still matters to you. And so long as he still matters to you and can affect you, he's going to keep using that power over you to upset you or derail you or whatever he can, to keep himself in your thoughts. The day you walk past him and genuinely don't notice he's there, and have nothing to post on the board about what he did or said because it just didn't register with you, is the day he stops mattering. Whether he's civil or not is HIS problem. You can't change that. What you can change is your response to it, and whether or not you let it matter to you. When you genuinely stop noticing it and caring, he might realise it's wasting time and stop doing it - but you won't notice so it won't matter if he does or not.
Fancee Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Believe me; I know how you feel and sympathize with you. I know it hurts, love hurts sometime. But try dating because you might just find something you like and they love you even more this time around. Don't give up on the power of love; it spreads itself around and there so many more ppl out here. Maybe the right guy is just waiting for you to come around and maybe you are limiting yourself.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Believe me; I know how you feel and sympathize with you. I know it hurts, love hurts sometime. But try dating because you might just find something you like and they love you even more this time around. Don't give up on the power of love; it spreads itself around and there so many more ppl out here. Maybe the right guy is just waiting for you to come around and maybe you are limiting yourself. I don't think dating is a good idea in this case. Dating was what got her into all of this trouble to begin with. FF is married. She's not just limiting herself, she is limiting her husband and family as well. FF, I hope that you can find a way through this. You may be hurting, but you are bringing your family down with you. Either cut them loose, so that your husband can move far away, find a greater shot at love and happiness and provide his children with a greater stability, or put some real effort into reconciliation and rebuilding your family - starting with the TRUTH this time, and working through your problems in counseling. You left out just enough of the truth, so that the door would be left open a crack - and here you are peeking through the crack, hoping MM will come back to you. Your pain and need for MM does not outweigh the needs of your family. You need to find a balance and cut MM out of your life, or jump the marital ship for the sake of your family.
child_of_isis Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 You need to refocus. Don't let this be about whether he is done...let it be about whether you are.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 If he is done why can't he at least be civil? Because maybe he can't handle that. It could be easier for him to be in NC with you, just like you are with him. Honestly, I don't think either of you CAN be friendly/neighbourly ever. Whatever friendship that formed between you two before your affair with him isn't coming back. FF, I hope soon you are at the place where if he does say hello, or try to talk to you, it won't bother you at all. The feeling of indifference, not caring at all anymore.
Tomcat33 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 It has been a little over a month of strict NC. I have not seen him and he has stayed away from me for the first time and I am staying away from him. I am continuing to heal and I do still miss him, but it is getting easier. My question is do they come back around when they realize you aren't? My friends and family still want me to have my guard up because they think he will come aroung with sweet nothings. He did this the last time after three months of NC, but maybe this time he is done. If he is done why can't he at least be civil? I am trying to take the higher road and even being nice to W even thought it is killing me. I have had more contact with her than him. Hi FB firstly wanna say I know it's hard, it is very hard but you both chose this and it is what it is. There is no being civil during NC, or better yet can you please define what being civil would means? Does it mean you say hello in a normal way when you run into one another? Or does it mean you still keep tabs on one another every so often to ensure you are both, ok? the truth is, it is next to impossible to stay as an "acquaintance" after a break-up, unless of course you don't want to let go, and if that's the case why break up? Sorry maybe I misunderstood the can't he be civil comment!?
PoshPrincess Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 FF, sorry that you are finding this so hard. I agree that you are entirely over him otherwise you wouldn't care a damn what he thinks or how he behaves. I totally understand where you coming from. I got the cold shoulder from my exmm too but I think it's just their way of dealing with things. I know many men who are the same when a R ends. They would rather cut off all contact. He is burying his head in the sand, plus I am sure that he knows if you have contact, then the old feelings he is trying to surpress will come flooding back! Like TC said, it IS what it IS. There's no changing these things unfortunately; you just have to get on with things and prove to him that you are able to move on too. Sorry I can't be more help. I too have found it very difficult but it does get easier eventually.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Hi FB firstly wanna say I know it's hard, it is very hard but you both chose this and it is what it is. There is no being civil during NC, or better yet can you please define what being civil would means? Does it mean you say hello in a normal way when you run into one another? Or does it mean you still keep tabs on one another every so often to ensure you are both, ok? the truth is, it is next to impossible to stay as an "acquaintance" after a break-up, unless of course you don't want to let go, and if that's the case why break up? Sorry maybe I misunderstood the can't he be civil comment!? I understand what you all of you are saying and I am the one who started the NC, but it is like he is punishing me for going NC. I know I am not suppossed to care, but of course I still do even though I will not break NC. My question still remains do they come back or do they finally give up? I know what I am doing I do not want get broadsided when I am not ready or prepared to waltz back in. I know you cannot predict what he is or isn't going to do i just wanted to know what your experience with this.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I understand what you all of you are saying and I am the one who started the NC, but it is like he is punishing me for going NC. OFcourse he is. And, he's entitled to feel resentful about it if he chooses to. You can't control how he reacts to you enforcing NC. If he wants to act like a baby and be a jerk, so be it... He will eventually give up, as long as you stay in NC mode with him. If you bend, slip abit, he'll be right there again and I really don't think that's what you want. You've come a long way FF, so give yourself credit for that!
bunset Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 FF, I'm sure it's difficult. (For both of you) I have definitely seen where the xMM comes back (I know of at least 2 cases where it was more than 10 yrs. later!) But in my case, xMM and I care enough to keep the NC forever if need be. Sure was hard, but gets better. Try not to worry about what he's doing. Just do what's good for you. If he breaks NC, you have the choice to ignore it and hang up, not answer- whatever. It's not un-civil. Consider it a caring, loving act of respect. Wishing you well!
lost4ever Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Hey sorry you feel stressed! I have no doubt in my mind that my MM will never try to contact me, we have a strict "unspoken" rule that the one who does the breaking up has to be the one to contact..(we did the stop talking thing alot, we are pro's) Think of it this way, You know at any point and time you could talk to him and the R will go right back to where it was, You don't want that...the only reason why we want to call is to relay the message...see you missed me, now act how I want you to....All they hear when we contact is..well you didn't act that bad because I'm back for more!
Fancee Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 LucreziaBorgia, thanks for enlightening me. Some pple have to- have more than one man. Is it good morals, no- but it happens like that sometimes. I was told was women cheat because of the kids. They would want out and would cut loose but they stay and suffer, deny self, and sometimes totally ignored by there husbands. Women make these kinds of decisions just for the family sake. So she tips out and try to make her ownself happy a little. I can understand the catch 22. Its a real reality and a world some ppl just can't conceive. I can. Its just too bad life is not always the happy ever after like in the fairtale books of life.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Hey sorry you feel stressed! I have no doubt in my mind that my MM will never try to contact me, we have a strict "unspoken" rule that the one who does the breaking up has to be the one to contact..(we did the stop talking thing alot, we are pro's) Think of it this way, You know at any point and time you could talk to him and the R will go right back to where it was, You don't want that...the only reason why we want to call is to relay the message...see you missed me, now act how I want you to....All they hear when we contact is..well you didn't act that bad because I'm back for more! This is exactly why I refuse to break NC even though I am dying inside. I don't want him to think the way he treated me is acceptable to me. The only thing that is giving me consolation is the fact that I am being strong and not caving to him. I am setting my boundaries up and for once in two years he knows he cannot come in. This alone helps me to continue on and also being with my kids and H. Everyday is a new set of emotions and it is so hard not to reminsence about the good times,but thankfully there was alot of bad times too. Just curious does anyone think the xmm hurt or do they just chalk this uo to I did not get what I wanted and move on?????
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 Just curious does anyone think the xmm hurt or do they just chalk this uo to I did not get what I wanted and move on????? Obviously he had some sort of feelings for you at some point in time, otherwise the A never would have happened. As for what he feels now? Maybe too much has happened, and his feelings are less and less as time goes on. Remember, most men are very good at burying their emotions to begin with, so if he is hurting, he'll never admit that to you, let alone show it. I think right now his ego is more bruised than anything because you haven't caved and you're staying strong by sticking with the NC.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Obviously he had some sort of feelings for you at some point in time, otherwise the A never would have happened. As for what he feels now? Maybe too much has happened, and his feelings are less and less as time goes on. Remember, most men are very good at burying their emotions to begin with, so if he is hurting, he'll never admit that to you, let alone show it. I think right now his ego is more bruised than anything because you haven't caved and you're staying strong by sticking with the NC. I am still heartbroken and don't understand how he can go away with w on a trip when not more than 4 weeks ago he was telling me how much he could not stand her and crying to me he was staying for the money. He is gong with a bunch of people just not them. I was under the impression before it was just a guys trip so he lied about that. I know , I know I should not care but i still do!!! I think I need to move because seeing his going ons is killing me and also his W asked me to help take care their kids while they were gone and my H agreed. What a nightmare!!!! I know he is a good actor and he is going because he is playing a part, but if he was miserable as he says he was he would be moving out not going on trips. I actually am starting to feel bad for his W. She has no idea the person she thought she knew her H has been sleeping with me for the last two years. If i was single I would tell her. He is not being fair to them and now that we are over I am sure he will do it again. My h almost 100% knows everything, and we have had talks about getting a divorce, but he wants to work on marriage. He said i will not let you leave me for the a*** neighbor, but if you find someone better than it is up to you. I cannot stand living so close to xmm it is crushing my spirit.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 1. I actually am starting to feel bad for his W. She has no idea the person she thought she knew her H has been sleeping with me for the last two years. 2. My h almost 100% knows everything, and we have had talks about getting a divorce, but he wants to work on marriage... I cannot stand living so close to xmm it is crushing my spirit. 1. Do you feel bad for your H too? After all, he doesn't know that the person he is married to has been sleeping with the next door neighbor for two years either. You focus so hard on xMM and his W, and his involvement with her that you can't see what you are doing to your own H. 2. I think if you told him 100% everything, including the part about your affair being sexual then you wouldn't have to worry about living next door to xMM. I would think that he would be more than happy to move, knowing that. I think part of why you are hiding the whole truth from him because you are afraid that your H will insist on moving, and you'll never see or hear from xMM again. The door to xMM will shut permanently - and you will be forced to examine your feelings for him, have them fully exposed and put them to rest and behind you for good. That, and the fact that if your H knows that it is sexual, he may end up being more interested in divorce, rather than working it out. Since you lost MM, I seriously doubt you would want to lose H too. I can understand that.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I am still heartbroken and don't understand how he can go away with w on a trip when not more than 4 weeks ago he was telling me how much he could not stand her and crying to me he was staying for the money. Because he lied to you about how bad his marriage was. Or, he's decided to make it work and has chosen to stick with his wife, give things another chance. You'll never know the actual truth FF, and honestly, it's his marriage, his wife and what goes on there is anybody's guess...Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Right now you have so much control and once you actual decide to let the exMM out of your heart, you'll be fine. Moving may be the answer, or it may not be. If you and your husband decide to divorce, make it be because you two are not happy together and neither of you want to work on the marriage, not for some other 'other' guy or the exMM.
Meaplus3 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 1. Do you feel bad for your H too? After all, he doesn't know that the person he is married to has been sleeping with the next door neighbor for two years either. You focus so hard on xMM and his W, and his involvement with her that you can't see what you are doing to your own H. 2. I think if you told him 100% everything, including the part about your affair being sexual then you wouldn't have to worry about living next door to xMM. I would think that he would be more than happy to move, knowing that. I think part of why you are hiding the whole truth from him because you are afraid that your H will insist on moving, and you'll never see or hear from xMM again. The door to xMM will shut permanently - and you will be forced to examine your feelings for him, have them fully exposed and put them to rest and behind you for good. That, and the fact that if your H knows that it is sexual, he may end up being more interested in divorce, rather than working it out. Since you lost MM, I seriously doubt you would want to lose H too. I can understand that. FF, I have to fully agree with LB's entire post here, You are so Right on here LB! FF, if you tell your H you have been having sex with this xmm nextdoor, then I fully believe like LB, that you won't have to worry about your H NOT agreeing to move. I think you'd be out of there in a flash! Believe me if I had been having sex with my xmm, I would have moved along time ago, I know that for a fact. AP:)
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 My h almost 100% knows everything Which part does your husband not know?
Meaplus3 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Which part does your husband not know? Good point BA! FF, Fess up? Tough love my friend Tough love! Hug's. Hug's and more hug's to you! AP:)
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I am still heartbroken and don't understand how he can go away with w on a trip when not more than 4 weeks ago he was telling me how much he could not stand her and crying to me he was staying for the money. He is gong with a bunch of people just not them. My h almost 100% knows everything, and we have had talks about getting a divorce, but he wants to work on marriage. He said i will not let you leave me for the a*** neighbor, but if you find someone better than it is up to you. I cannot stand living so close to xmm it is crushing my spirit. He lied! Thats what guys like this do! Every thought you give him is wasted, every emotion, every tear. You need to ask yourself. Who cares about you? What person cares? Because those are the ones who deserve your thoughts, emotions, and maybe a smile!
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 You are totally right and the fog is lifting. My h is the one who cares about me and the one who deserves the smile. Xmm deserves nothing!!!! He will suffer in the end for his lack of compassion and empathy. He will never be happy and I want to be happy. NC is the hardest thing I ever had to do, but boy does it give you clarity. I casee he never wanted what was best for me only himself. What a self asborbed narcissist he is!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You are totally right and the fog is lifting. My h is the one who cares about me and the one who deserves the smile. Xmm deserves nothing!!!! He will suffer in the end for his lack of compassion and empathy. He will never be happy and I want to be happy. NC is the hardest thing I ever had to do, but boy does it give you clarity. I casee he never wanted what was best for me only himself. What a self asborbed narcissist he is!!! Woo hoo! Keep thinking this way FF and you'll turn the next corner, and be even more emotionally detached from the exMM neighbour. He is NOT worthy of your thoughts, your energy, your heart, NOTHING! Your H is infront of you, he is the one who sleeps next to you at night, who is supportive, who is the father of your children...So, why not make some romantic plans, get a sitter or drop your kids off at their grandparents house for a weekend so you two can go away to a hotel (with a pool, sauna etc) or a bed'n'breakfast! Just do it!! Pamper yourselves!
PoshPrincess Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 He lied! Thats what guys like this do! Every thought you give him is wasted, every emotion, every tear. I agree. But we want to believe them. I still can't believe that after the things my mm told me, he never left, so how could they have been true?! It hurts like hell to have had those promises broken but we all have to tell ourselves (those of us who KNEW they were married) that we knew they weren't in a position to make those promises to us in the first place! You need to ask yourself. Who cares about you? What person cares? Because those are the ones who deserve your thoughts, emotions, and maybe a smile! Exactly. And you deserve to be focusing your emotions on someone more worthy of them too!
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