Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I met this new guy, fought the instinct to bolt, and we had our third date tonight. It was great. Really great. Except I am having a really really hard time slowly things down at a physical level. Honestly, I just want to jump his bones. And I find myself sounding really lame when I say no to his shamelessly bold advances. And, he kind of caught on to it. any advice?
Timberlane Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 So you had your third date, right? Errr, I'm not sure what date number you need to wait for to do that. At what point do you think you should, you know, do it? I guess the question is would having sex make things more complicated? When you have sex with someone you are dating, does it all of the sudden change the stakes? I find it a nice, natural progression, mainly because I was always comfortable having sex in long term relationships. So I don't attach some heavy baggage to it I suppose. If you feel comfortable having sex with this nice, new guy, then you are ready. To me taking it slow is more about falling in love with someone, spending all of your time with them, and going house shopping, etc. You know? That's really the serious stuff.
johan Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Honestly, I just want to jump his bones. And I find myself sounding really lame when I say no to his shamelessly bold advances. And, he kind of caught on to it. I love that. Good luck!
Ocean-Blue Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I met this new guy, fought the instinct to bolt, and we had our third date tonight. It was great. Really great. Except I am having a really really hard time slowly things down at a physical level. Honestly, I just want to jump his bones. And I find myself sounding really lame when I say no to his shamelessly bold advances. And, he kind of caught on to it. any advice? So respond to his advances the next time he comes on to you. What's the problem? Why are you holding back when you want to do him?
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 So respond to his advances the next time he comes on to you. What's the problem? Why are you holding back when you want to do him? Yes why?? Frankly I was counting of fellow LSers to give me some good convinving reasons to hold back. Maybe I can go dig up some 'how soon to have sex' threads...
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Don't make me pull out the reverse psychology again...
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Don't make me pull out the reverse psychology again... Trial! Be my savior! reversepsychologize me! I was about to go fetch you out of the post your picture thread! Ok, now, oh goddess supreme! Enlighten me! How/why do I hold back?
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Well then...okay...since you insist. First question: What's stopping you?
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Well then...okay...since you insist. First question: What's stopping you? Hmm, he asked the same question... The first thing to stop me is a promise I made to myself that I would stop jumping into men's bed so quickly quite some time ago. I dated a few guys casually this summer and was very happy, and found it very easy, to establish this boundary. This guy - this guy is different. He turns me on and he's aware of it. Yet, at the same time, the reason he turns me on is because there is an intellectual connection there and as of yet, I don't know what it means. A part of me suspects that he has the potential to be more then a fling and that is what is holding me back.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Hmm, he asked the same question... The first thing to stop me is a promise I made to myself that I would stop jumping into men's bed so quickly quite some time ago. I dated a few guys casually this summer and was very happy, and found it very easy, to establish this boundary. This guy - this guy is different. He turns me on and he's aware of it. Yet, at the same time, the reason he turns me on is because there is an intellectual connection there and as of yet, I don't know what it means. A part of me suspects that he has the potential to be more then a fling and that is what is holding me back. Are you worried that you'll invest too much and find out he's a dud?
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Are you worried that you'll invest too much and find out he's a dud? Most likely. I'm worried that I will feel too vulnerable after we have sex, and then find out he's a dud. Right now, I still feel quite in control of my emotions. It's just my sex-drive that's reeling out of control.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Most likely. I'm worried that I will feel too vulnerable after we have sex, and then find out he's a dud. Right now, I still feel quite in control of my emotions. It's just my sex-drive that's reeling out of control. I know exactly how you feel. It's what happens to me. Give it a couple more dates, until you get to know him a little better. Although I wouldn't be afraid to let him know you're feeling the heat, too. What's the harm in drawing out the anticipation a little longer? If he flakes, you know he's not the guy for you. If he waits, it can only be an incredibly electric moment when it happens.
Timberlane Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 You know, it takes many years sometimes to find out if someone is truly a dud. You all know that I'm sure. You should be able to figure out if someone is a ridiculously obvious dud by a third date, I would hope. As to the not feeling vulnerable part, well, it seems to be inversely proportional to how much you like someone. So you are in fact damned if you do and damned if you don't like someone. See, dating is Hell.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I know exactly how you feel. It's what happens to me. Give it a couple more dates, until you get to know him a little better. Although I wouldn't be afraid to let him know you're feeling the heat, too. What's the harm in drawing out the anticipation a little longer? If he flakes, you know he's not the guy for you. If he waits, it can only be an incredibly electric moment when it happens. I think anticipation is a wonderful thing, too. There is a certain amount of pressure and expectation involved with first sexual encounters and extreme heat throws all of that by the wayside for me. You only get one shot at that first time, and I like it to be really passionate. Kamille, my advice is better than my track record in this area. I have a lot of difficulty in reigning in my physical attraction pheromones at times. When I jump too quickly, I forgive myself. When the man flakes out after we've done the deed, I just tell myself that at least I got to sample his wares first, and ooh la la!
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 You know, it takes many years sometimes to find out if someone is truly a dud. You all know that I'm sure. You should be able to figure out if someone is a ridiculously obvious dud by a third date, I would hope. As to the not feeling vulnerable part, well, it seems to be inversely proportional to how much you like someone. So you are in fact damned if you do and damned if you don't like someone. See, dating is Hell. dating is hell indeed. today I woke up with another case of 'the bolts' but this time it is informed by the fact that, hmmm, maybe I am not so much in control of my emotions anymore. I actually miss him. And it's only been 12 hours. And at the same time, I'm also thinking: I hardly know this guy! Sheesh, why can't he take things slow? What's the big rush anyways?
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Kamille, my advice is better than my track record in this area. I have a lot of difficulty in reigning in my physical attraction pheromones at times. When I jump too quickly, I forgive myself. When the man flakes out after we've done the deed, I just tell myself that at least I got to sample his wares first, and ooh la la! Yeah! Sampling the wares.... Hmmm, ok back to fantasizing about him. Believe me you guys, he is quite aware that I find him hot. He wants to hang out tonight.... .... ... ... No, correction, he wants to hang out at his place tonight... ... ... I want to bolt AND I want to sample the wares. But I can sample the wares and bolt.
peace_pipe Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 But I can sample the wares and bolt. Will this fill your emotional void?
Saxis Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Why not explain to him this "promise" you made to yourself about jumping in the sack quickly? That might at least guage what his intentions are. If you really think he's relationship material, he'll show you some respect and back off the sex for a while, but still want to spend time with you. At least then you're being completely honest with him, and he'll know what he's getting into also...
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Will this fill your emotional void? I am so sorry I missed the pre-edit. The comment you commented on was actually a statement I made about the ambiguity I feel right now. But interesting point. I know myself enough to know that I would never be able to pull this off. If anything, this guy is disturbing the emotional plenitude, balance and equilibrium I was experiencing pre-meeting him. And thanks Saxis, you are absolutely right and I needed to hear it spelled out that clearly. We did already talk about it last night. I told him I had promised myself I would take things slower from now. And he actually agreed, but of course, this gave him impetus to go and try harder to seduce me into staying over.
Phateless Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Yeah! Sampling the wares.... Hmmm, ok back to fantasizing about him. Believe me you guys, he is quite aware that I find him hot. He wants to hang out tonight.... .... ... ... No, correction, he wants to hang out at his place tonight... ... ... I want to bolt AND I want to sample the wares. But I can sample the wares and bolt. Haha, I actually had a girl do that to me. It wasn't the first time we had sex, and it was a casual relationship anyway, but it sure confused the hell out of me. I was left thinking "is that all I'm good for??" Kamille... it sounds to me like you're getting really excited really quickly. I would try to slow down a bit and not see him days in a row just yet. It's only been 3 dates, right? You're level-jumping.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I have to agree that seeing him "days in a row" will make it much harder to slow things down. Maybe a little s-p-a-c-e would help. Also, if your restrain crumbles, don't stay over. Leave him wanting more, although staying over without sex might do that in a better way. Hmmm. Oh, I don't know! A sexy, hot Frenchman with culinary skills??? Who am I kidding, I would be putty in his hands.... You're already doing better than I would be.
Phateless Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Beware of the blue balls trap... if he thinks you're a tease in general he might get frustrated and give up.
Author Kamille Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Haha, I actually had a girl do that to me. It wasn't the first time we had sex, and it was a casual relationship anyway, but it sure confused the hell out of me. I was left thinking "is that all I'm good for??" Kamille... it sounds to me like you're getting really excited really quickly. I would try to slow down a bit and not see him days in a row just yet. It's only been 3 dates, right? You're level-jumping. Beware of the blue balls trap... if he thinks you're a tease in general he might get frustrated and give up. I think you are on to something. The perfect plan is to limit contact, thereby also skillfulling avoiding the blue ball trap! I think this whole thing throws me back to my self-sabotage thread. The reason I hesitated in contacting this guy again is because I was very happy where I was in my life and didn't want - need anything distrubing it. And that hasn't changed. Today I am very thankful that I stood my ground last night, despite raging hormones. Also, if your restrain crumbles, don't stay over. Leave him wanting more, although staying over without sex might do that in a better way. Hmmm. Oh, I don't know! A sexy, hot Frenchman with culinary skills??? Who am I kidding, I would be putty in his hands.... You're already doing better than I would be. hehehe! Thanks for the pat on the back. You know what, I am impressed myself. Last night he did cook me dinner, a rather thinly veiled ploy to get me in his appartment and I held my ground despite delicious food and great company. I think I'll hold off on the bedding skills until I have had an opportunity to try out more of his cuisine.
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Oh come now, the old blue balls thing is way over done. If a guy can't figure out a way to...combat...this issue, he needs to go back to biology 101.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Oh come now, the old blue balls thing is way over done. If a guy can't figure out a way to...combat...this issue, he needs to go back to biology 101. For sure! I considered posting something of a similar nature, but you are far better at word consolidation than I am.
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