Should I stay silent?

[BornToFly]

Some months back I did an internship at a great place. I worked really hard and everyone there was constantly telling me how they were so impressed by me. There was even talk of hiring me. They threw a party for me when I left, and gave me a large bonus check. One of the girls made a huge fuss about wanting to keep in touch, even buying me a present. Another guy took me aside and said to me how I was just such a rare intern and so wonderful to work with.

 

I thought I had a place that would give me a great recommendation. But there was a snag. One of the guys who worked there was constantly harassing me. It started early on. He would come up behind me and whisper, "I just want to take a bite" or if I would say "what are you doing" if he was lingering at my office, he would say "checking out your butt." Once I was wearing white heels that tie, and he said, "I know why you wear those, so you can have your ankles tied together." He made comments like, "we could get it on," "I know whose room to come into at 2 am," "We could have a great time if you could keep your mouth shut," etc. He was also married.

 

It even sort of frightened me, because I was living on the premises alone and he had keys to the rooms. When he said that about coming into my room, he also made comments about me and porn, and said how we could get it on and it frightened me! I did not know what to do, I did not want to say anything because I did not want to make him angry with me if I reported him, but I was actually scared! I went to one of my superiors and privately told her what happened, and asked her to please not repeat it, and that I did not want to get him in trouble, but that I was scared!

 

She was so surprised and said, 'that just does not sound like him!" Then she gave me this talk about how she thought he had such great character and why and said not to worry, that this was probably just his rough way of telling me he thought I was hot. I was still scared but I did not want to cause any problems so I just let it go.

 

Well, in the beginning my friends and family told me I needed to tell him to stop. But I was afraid that if I spoke up, he would get angry with me. I mean, I did not want to mess up my internship by having him mad at me. Some people said I should go to the boss and complain, but there I was afraid he would deny the things and then turn around and try to make me look like the bad person.

 

So I just kept the peace and laughed it off. I acted like it was no big deal to me, but it really began to get to me. It made me see myself in a bad way. He would say, "so, you couldn't get out of the porn business?" and things that made me know he saw me as an object. One day he was in the office with me and another woman. I commented that I liked his hair, which he had just cut off. He said, 'I like your...." and made very obvious eye contact with my chest while grinning leeringly.

 

The lady that was there heard this and said, "don't talk that way to her! That is sexual harassment and I will not have it." He said, "oh, I am just joking" or something like that. She said that it was not funny and then he said, "oh, come on, she's just the intern!"

 

Well, as it turned out, the lady, who was second in command as far as authority, had a talk with him and told me that she had instructed him to stop and that he did not realize it made me feel bad but now that he knew, he would stop. She explained he was objectifying me and I was so glad that someone had seen it and put an end to it!

 

So the next day I came to work, happy to be thinking that he would finally leave me alone! But right away he came in and started making comments about looking up porn on the internet. I felt confused that he was not stopping!

 

It continued, and my internship was drawing to an end, and one day he said somethings to me and I just could not take it anymore! I got so angry. I did not want to have to act anymore like it did not bother me and just laugh along for fear I would loose a good recommendation, and the next morning I was so upset that even though I only had a week left I was not going to stay silent anymore! It was really affecting how I look at myself.

 

I felt that since he had already spoken with one of the superiors, and been told to stop, and had not stopped, I now had the perfect right to go to the woman who was completely in charge and tell her what was happening. I was so scared though. I was afraid everyone would turn on me and hate me if he came back and denied everything. But I was so upset I could not keep silent anymore! I was afraid to go to him directly because I did not want confrontation.

 

I was so angry that morning. I asked some of the men I worked with if I had ever done anything to make them loose respect for me. Was this my fault? Did people all see me this way? They all said no so I thought, ok then, I am not bringing this on myself!

 

I went to the main boss and told her everything, even about how he was making comments about wanting to "have a good time if I could keep my mouth shut." I really said everything. She said I should have come to her sooner and to never be afraid about loosing a good recommendation. She said she would talk to him.

 

She came back later that day and said she had asked some of the people around the office if they had seen instances, and they said yes. So she talked to him and said that he was "just joking" and really thought it was all a joke and had not thought the other superior was serious when she asked him to stop. He claimed he loved his wife and would never do anything against her. My boss really thought it was all just a misunderstanding and I had to agree because I did laugh it off and never acted like it bothered me but just played along.

 

So she told him to basically stay away from me and not talk to me, which he did. I could sense, though, that he was very angry with me. I started to get concerned. Had I done the right thing? Maybe I should not have said anything! Maybe I should have just let it go! But I just couldn't stay silent anymore.

 

Well, I left the internship and about a month and a half later I went to email the lady who had wanted to keep in touch with me, who had given me cards and a present and everything saying how she was so glad to have known me, and she NEVER replied to my email. I had to go in some time later to pick up a delayed check and when she saw me she was very nice and when I asked if she had gotten my email, all she said was "yes" and no explanation. I never did hear from her again.

 

I started to feel afraid that what I had feared had happened! That he had been so angry at me that he had turned everyone against me when I had left, probably denying things and everything.

 

Recently I needed a recommendation, so i thought I would write to the guy who had said such nice things about me as an intern before I left. He had really said what a wonderful intern I was and so many beautiful things that I thought he would be happy to give me a good recommendation. I was kind of afraid when I emailed him though, that maybe he had been turned on me by this guy and would not reply. I emailed him and he has never emailed me back!

 

I am really upset and am thinking that this guy must have really chewed me out behind my back when I was gone, making me look like the bad person and probably denying everything. I do not know what to do! I worked so hard there, and my one superior told me that I never dressed inapropriately. I have been so upset over this. I have been thinking I should just call there and see what they say, ask why my emails are being ignored. I don't know what is right or wrong in this situation and I do not know what to do! Even my best friend said she cold not have done that, speak up, because she would be afraid too, so she would have laughed it off like I did. But now I wish I hadn't spoken up because now it seems they all want to avoid me!

 

What should I do?

 

Sorry for posting this twice but I am not sure if I poseted in the right place the first time...

[melodymatters]

Hi, BTF,

 

I answered you under your other post.I know it's hard to be upset, confused and not get any answers !

[bones]

This man should have been terminated on the spot when the superior witnessed his behavior. As a manager it is required that you report sexual harrassment to Human Resources. That he was asked to stop and did not is all the more reason you can sue him and the company for sexual harrassment. There is absolutely no reason under the sun any one has to put up with that behavior. He's praying on the fact that you probably don't understand the way of the corporate world. Trust me. I was a manager in corporate america. A woman who worked for me told me a man made her feel uncomfortable. I said I'd report him. She begged me not to say anything so I didn't. Turns out months later, another woman filed a complaint. HR called me in because they heard one of my workers had an issue. I said, yes she did. They asked why I didn't report him. I explained it was because she begged me not to. They told me it didn't matter---as a manager it is my responsibility and I am obligated to report any such conduct. The man was terminated. His behavior was child's play compared to this jerk you talk about.

 

Find a good attorney and go after his ass with both barrels loaded.

[BornToFly]

Thank you to both so much for the reply. That is the only reason I felt like it was ok to finally speak up, because someone had seen it, called him on it, told him to stop, and he did not. If that had never happened, I would have never said anything because I was too afraid. But when he was told to stop and did not, I thought it was ok to finally speak up.

 

Also, when I reported it to the main boss, she went around and asked people if they had seen instances. One man told her that not only had he seen instances, but he had told the man that he should stop treating me that way! So right there is two people who had told him to stop.

 

It hurt me when I talked to that lady and she kept saying, "that does not sound like him" because I felt she did not believe me, and it was creepy to be staying in a place all alone and know this guy had the keys and had made comments about coming in.

 

I feel so terrible inside, like all I am to men is this object. And if I stand up for myself, I am even worse of a person! It is such a terrible feeling.

[whichwayisup]

then he said, "oh, come on, she's just the intern!"

 

Wow. In one sentence, that says so much, it's bloody sickening!

 

It means that he views you below him, that you're a nobody, therefore you do not deserve basic human respect. Because you are/were an intern, he could treat you ANY way he felt like. THAT IS WRONG!

 

Talk to your HR department. Tell them what happened and ask the person who stood up for you to go talk to them as well. To say that you're 'just' the intern is NO excuse for his behaviour! Just disguisting and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this...

 

You are a smart woman and obviously many people there benefited from, told you some nice compliments, so please, try your best NOT to let this piece of crap man make you feel bad. HE is a pig!

[BornToFly]

Thank you so much for the reply...I felt the same way, it upset me so much when he said that, that I was "just the intern."

 

The thing is this: the place i interned at was very small, The HR department is basically the lady who 1) i first told that he wanted to come into my room at 2 am and 2) the lady who saw him make comments about my chest and say "she is just the intern."

 

One and the same person, and the same lady who claimed she liked me so well and wanted to keep in touch but who I emailed a month and a half later and she ignored me.

 

Thats why when I went to ask for a recommendation, I thought I would ask the guy who pulled me aside and told me what an incredible intern I was, and how he really meant it "from the heart." But now he is ignoring me too.

 

Another guy there, who I did the most for of anyone, was so appreciative. He said he wanted to have me over to his house and have this party for me, because I literally worked my behind off for him. But then after all this he dropped it all.

 

I feel like the bad person more than I ever have. I cannot explain it.

[Trimmer]

I feel so terrible inside, like all I am to men is this object. And if I stand up for myself, I am even worse of a person!

BTF - please believe that neither of these is true. You will meet the occasional jerk - maybe even more often than you might expect - but there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. It's not only about a men/women thing, it's basic human respect. "...just the intern.." I would have felt humiliated and furious, too.

 

And standing up for yourself is not a bad thing, at all. One of the discussions I have often with my young daughter is about how people use their power. Some people - usually those who have something out of whack developmentally, like confidence, self-image, maturity, anger, etc - use their power against others in an effort to compensate for their own shortcomings and make themselves feel more powerful and in control. This sounds like your jerk.

 

Other people use their power to know who they are with confidence, control their own lives, and take care of themselves - which includes standing up for yourself when necessary. I know which kind of person I hope my daughter will be, and I wish that for you, too.

 

You put up with much more than anyone should have to, and you are absolutely justified in standing up for yourself. Please don't believe it makes you any less of a person.

 

Have you tried a quick email to the second-in-command woman who immediately stood up for you when she saw what was happening? "I'm trying to get a recommendation, and I haven't gotten responses to my Emails on the first few tries - can you suggest who would be the best person to contact, who could help me out?" Something like that.... Or, coming at it from a similar angle, who there was your most consitent booster, mentor, teacher, advocate - not necessarily within the social structure of the organization, but from a work/professional point of view? If that isn't one of the people you've tried already, maybe target that person.

 

As far as worrying about whether the jerk "turned" people against you - you already know that others in the company have seen his behavior, and even spoken to him about it. It sounds like you made a reasonable, professional impression. I think it unlikely that someone like him could "trash you" to the rest of the company. I bet they are more likely to stick to their existing impressions of you (good) rather than changing them in the face of a single guy who is already known to have questionable behavior. So be confident, don't assume the worst, walk with confidence, and move forward. Maybe everyone is just really busy. Don't let it throw you. Have confidence in yourself!

[BornToFly]

Thank you so much for the reply. I really appreciate it. I wish so much I could be like that, confident and happy and not letting things hurt so much. I suppose I am just so broken as it is that when things like this happen it is as though my whole self-esteem crumbles.

 

I feel like my self-esteem just plummetted, and it hurts so awful. I feel like no matter what I do in life I will always fail in the end. No matter how hard I try or how good I do, something will always happen to remind me of who I am.

 

I wish standing up for myself had been the right thing to do. I am such a mess over this whole thing. I wish I could be like other people and not be so covered in "scars" from life, then I would not crumble so easily in situations like this. I will never be like that though. I guess I have to remember that I am not the only person in the world who suffers in life. Sometimes I wonder though why some people have to suffer so MUCH. Why the simplest things can be such pain for one person and for another like nothing at all.

 

I hope so much that some day I will overcome all of this and be the type of person who can be strong in themself and not crumble so easily. I just want to overcome everything that is hurting inside. I want to be strong but I am so weak.