Discovered I'm the other woman

[whichwayisup]

Okay, so then what happens if you contact him and he tells you he's sorry, that he loves you and is going to leave his wife and children for you? And, then he asks if you will wait for him. Or asks you to see him one last time, to see if you two have that spark still...A number of things could happen and honestly, the way you are feeling right now I don't think you'll be able to handle ANY senario! Which is why the no contact is sooo important. The NC is for you to heal and work through feelings - NOT to get his attention, or make a point to him.

[norajane]

What is confusing me is that when I feel stronger I feel even more sure that I will be contacting him soon enough and resuming our affair. Its like I either feel strong or week but only in relation to HIM. When I feel strong and walk with my head held high its still him I'm thinking of. When I go to bed and dont cry myself to tears its still him thats on my mind. Does that make sense - like I'm still not moving forward.

 

Also weirdly when I feel a bit stronger I have no doubt that he is thinking of me - how could he not? You dont go from communicating with somebody everyday (allbeit through texts and occasional phone calls) about your sexual desire for them and manage just to turn it off because the wife found out. What we had was an incredible chemisty and a amazing physical relationship. That was real. You cant fake that.

 

That is the effect of being in denial. You feel stronger then because you are not accepting that it's actually over. You feel stronger because you believe that more contact is just around the corner, that you can somehow be together again. That is denial and hope.

 

Once you get out of the fog, and are no longer in denial, you will feel stronger knowing that you will never have to listen to another lie of his again, that you will never have to wait for a scrap of his time, and that you do not have such a sociopath in your life.

[imstunned]

You want to contact him on the off chance that it ISN"T over. Stop kidding yourself!

 

You KNOW its over, the NC from him is definitely a big indicator

 

 

Yeah - your right. I dont want it to be over. I want to see him again. I dont want to feel rejected. I want him to want me, and evidently he dosent. I just cant let go of the hope that he will get in touch, and so cant move forward. What a mug.

[whichwayisup]

sociopath

 

You somehow need to wrap your head around this and see that he IS a sociopath. NJ is right, once you're out of the fog and can think clearly, you'll see what everyone is trying to tell you now.

 

Please, don't contact him. Whatever you do, don't! I mentioned this before, but what you can do is, write him letters. Pour out your heart and everything that you're thinking about, just don't ever send him the letters. Writing is going to help you get through this and make you get the closure you need.

[imstunned]

You somehow need to wrap your head around this and see that he IS a sociopath. NJ is right, once you're out of the fog and can think clearly, you'll see what everyone is trying to tell you now.

 

 

Thanks again for your posts, I see I have had alot of replies here and really really appreciate it. I have been reading up on sociopaths and narcassism and I doubt he has either - he is probably just a bit of a jerk. After all he is married, has children, and holds down a job.

 

What I have done is taken the man I thought he was and placed him back with his wife. So now I have this vision of a doting father cooing over his baby and playing in the park with his toddler. A romantic husband who treats his wife to nights out and weekends away. Its an understatement to say that I'm sure that hes not really like that! After all the man I thought he was wouldnt screw around on his wife. If I had a real picture of this man then I doubt I would have ever found him so attractive in the first place - and I know that you have all pointed this out.

 

I'll get there - I shouldnt let my self esteem rest on what this idiot thinks of me. Shame that I still am though!

[cheryl14]

I am also new to this site. I am the OW have been for 2 years and 2 and 2 months with the promise that he was/is leaving his wife. PLEASE RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!! If he tries to call DO NOT ANSWER!!!! If he keeps calling change your number.DO NOT allow him to come to your house or job!!! END it now before your heart gets broken and you live a life of emotional turmoil and despair!!!!

[reboot]

After all he is married, has children, and holds down a job.

So have some serial killers. That in and of itself doesn't prove much.

[Trimmer]

Yeah - your right. I dont want it to be over. I want to see him again. I dont want to feel rejected. I want him to want me, and evidently he dosent.

Well, I think at least you are being honest with your feelings, now. I accept them as real, but please realize that you were not "rejected." He set up a house of cards, impossible to maintain, that eventually, and appropriately collapsed. There was no other possible outcome, and there is no rebuilding it back to what you thought it was.

 

Yes, he was attracted to you; yes, he certainly felt a connection, a spark. You don't have to wonder about that, and you don't need him to reieterate that now. Like I said before, what he set up was a sham and a betrayal, but it doesn't mean he didn't feel the excitement, the spark, it just means that he knew all along that it was a performance. What you offered was real. His betrayal doesn't make your soul, your desirability, your heart any smaller.

 

Incidentally, when you think of wanting to see "him" again, of wanting to be with "him", who are you talking about? The unencumbered, free-spirited mountain climber? Or the humiliated, caught-in-the-act husband and father? You now know that one of these does not exist, and is the other one really of any interest to you?

 

You do realize that now that the mountain climber character is gone, the actual man is as different a person to you as a stranger would be? And I still think he is a dangerous, and unknown stranger - he has already demonstrated this.

 

I think it's OK for you to be mad at him for wasting your time, your energy, and the precious gifts of the heart that you offered to him out of your trust. Don't go and hurt anyone or yourself, but I think it would do you well once you eventually come back out of the fog, to find that anger towards him, and I think you should let yourself feel that. Because that is when you are asserting the power that matters, taking a stand in your own life, saying "I gave my best, and I AM worth more than I got in return."

 

He did not give you your attractiveness, your spark, your desirability. You may have seen them reflected in his broken mirror, but he did not bring them to you. Don't let him take them away.

[Trimmer]

Thanks again for your posts, I see I have had alot of replies here and really really appreciate it. I have been reading up on sociopaths and narcassism and I doubt he has either - he is probably just a bit of a jerk. After all he is married, has children, and holds down a job.

Yeah, but with what he did, I'm going to have to label him as a lot more than "just a bit" of a jerk. We may quibble over semantics a little bit, but...

 

What I have done is taken the man I thought he was and placed him back with his wife. So now I have this vision of a doting father cooing over his baby and playing in the park with his toddler. A romantic husband who treats his wife to nights out and weekends away.

Ahhh... I posted before I saw this, but - YES! - you are getting to the same point I was getting to with my "which man are you talking about?" question...

 

Its an understatement to say that I'm sure that hes not really like that! After all the man I thought he was wouldnt screw around on his wife. If I had a real picture of this man then I doubt I would have ever found him so attractive in the first place - and I know that you have all pointed this out.

Nothing better than being able to point it out to yourself, though...

 

I'll get there - I shouldnt let my self esteem rest on what this idiot thinks of me. Shame that I still am though!

Good for you, that's my point as well. Think of it that your self, your desirability, your personality, your spark, didn't come from the relationship, but they are and were always there. For a time, you got to enjoy them reflected back to you by the relationship. But again - very important - just because the mirror is gone does not take any of those qualities away from you.

 

Tell us how your child is doing - was he/she aware of this man in your life? Any repercussions there, or has it been a pretty level experience for him/her?

[imstunned]

Well, I think at least you are being honest with your feelings, now. I accept them as real, but please realize that you were not "rejected." He set up a house of cards, impossible to maintain, that eventually, and appropriately collapsed. There was no other possible outcome, and there is no rebuilding it back to what you thought it was.

 

Yes, he was attracted to you; yes, he certainly felt a connection, a spark. You don't have to wonder about that, and you don't need him to reieterate that now. Like I said before, what he set up was a sham and a betrayal, but it doesn't mean he didn't feel the excitement, the spark, it just means that he knew all along that it was a performance. What you offered was real. His betrayal doesn't make your soul, your desirability, your heart any smaller.

 

Incidentally, when you think of wanting to see "him" again, of wanting to be with "him", who are you talking about? The unencumbered, free-spirited mountain climber? Or the humiliated, caught-in-the-act husband and father? You now know that one of these does not exist, and is the other one really of any interest to you?

 

You do realize that now that the mountain climber character is gone, the actual man is as different a person to you as a stranger would be? And I still think he is a dangerous, and unknown stranger - he has already demonstrated this.

 

I think it's OK for you to be mad at him for wasting your time, your energy, and the precious gifts of the heart that you offered to him out of your trust. Don't go and hurt anyone or yourself, but I think it would do you well once you eventually come back out of the fog, to find that anger towards him, and I think you should let yourself feel that. Because that is when you are asserting the power that matters, taking a stand in your own life, saying "I gave my best, and I AM worth more than I got in return."

 

He did not give you your attractiveness, your spark, your desirability. You may have seen them reflected in his broken mirror, but he did not bring them to you. Don't let him take them away.

 

WOW - your words blow me away!! I am so going to print off this thread and keep it!

 

I'm not sure who it is that I would be hoping to see when I say I want to see him again, the guy who looks like and talks like the guy I thought I knew? The guy I had that passion with? I dont know. I havent caved in and contacted him, and doubt he will be contacting me so I guess it dosent matter so much. Perhaps I am looking for validation that SOMETHING we had was real.

 

Thank you for saying that he was attracted to me and that the spark was real, ect - that means ALOT!!!

 

Thanks for the comment Cheryl, and welcome to the forum x

 

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

[imstunned]

Trimmer - our posts crossed there - I love the way you put it all into words - they really are having an impact on me. Clearly there is stuff there that I WANT to hear, but in the situation I'm in I will allow myself the small luxury of a little cherry picking!

 

My child is only a toddler really and met this man very briefly only once or twice. I was so flustered trying to get him to bed and look desirable and sexy at the same time that I didnt notice how at ease he was with him - funny that!! So no - no major problems there - and my child has been a really good "ear" at times! Good job he has never had a clue what I have been talking about!

[Trimmer]

Perhaps I am looking for validation that SOMETHING we had was real.

My dear - I can hear in your words and in your pain and frustration that what you gave and what you felt with your heart was 100% real. Be strong and know that much - have that much confidence - about yourself.

 

Go get some sleep.

 

- T

[child_of_isis]

I am just coming out of a 13 year R. One of the realizations I came to is.... we have to become aware of the lies we tell ourselves.

 

These are what I needed to deal with. To understand, pick them out of the "real truth" and say hey...that was nothing more than a lie I told myself.

 

This is where my healing within myself began.

 

Not that this is about me, but maybe it could help you in some way.

 

Clearly there is stuff there that I WANT to hear, but in the situation I'm in I will allow myself the small luxury of a little cherry picking!

!

[imstunned]

I have had a it of a breakthrough. I didnt get much sleep, I was lying in bed my heart pounding, but not because I was upset - BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY. I couldnt get back to sleep at all!! I realsie that actually I have been angry for a long time, just with the poor wrong people. I find it difficult to deal with - as now I'm EVEN more upset again.

 

One thing is for sure, I will not be contacting this scumbag. He stole 8 months of my life, manipluated me and lied to me.He has done this so he could pick me up and drop me when ever he wanted to. He led me on, said he liked me, said he was open to a relationship with me and now has dropped me like a piece of trash!!!!!

 

And the reason LB's post struck a nerve with me was because I have been questioning his claims since the day they started. I had GUT feelings that he was lying alot of the time. He made some major gaffs in some of his stories and I ignored them. Mountaineering seems to be alot about honour - if you climb one of these mounitans and say you summit you dont need to prove it - your word for it is taken. How could I question him when i was so terrified of offending him and "blowing it". He told me his dad died and he couldnt make a date - my GUT REACTION - that it was a lie. But then I thought - who in their right mind would say that to get out of a date!

 

I may as well have blindfolded myself and given him my hand as he led me down the path of all his lies and deceit.

 

AND i tried to let it go. We had another date set and he never showed. Nothing before hand to say he couldnt make it - no word at all - he just didnt show up! I sent him a text saying he had no balls. He didnt like that AT ALL and threw it back in my face. I let it go. Weeks after he came back with some excuse saying he was stil away etc. I wish he had just let me go then.

 

I was right about him having no balls. He dosent, or he does but dosent have a clue how to use them. He is THE WORST kind of man. He is a coward. If he isnt happy in his marriage then he should sort it out before railroading into other peoples lives and hurting the hell out of them. He KNEW I liked him, he didnt have to pretend he flippin liked me too!!!

[marlena]

I sent him a text saying he had no balls. He didnt like that AT ALL and threw it back in my face.

 

Yes, Stun, they hate confrontation or conflict of any kind. As long as you without any resistance play out their fantasies, they're fine.

 

I wish he had just let me go then.

 

 

So now, you see, it is you who has to let go. You have to give yourself closure. How? By empowering yourself with the knowledge you now have.

 

There's a quote in here that I like very much. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"! Make this your mantra.

 

Love yourself. Take good care of yourself.

 

It will get easier as you distance yourself more and more. This I can promise you!

[Trimmer]

I have had a it of a breakthrough. I didnt get much sleep, I was lying in bed my heart pounding, but not because I was upset - BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY. I couldnt get back to sleep at all!! I realsie that actually I have been angry for a long time, just with the poor wrong people. I find it difficult to deal with - as now I'm EVEN more upset again.

 

One thing is for sure, I will not be contacting this scumbag. He stole 8 months of my life, manipluated me and lied to me.He has done this so he could pick me up and drop me when ever he wanted to. He led me on, said he liked me, said he was open to a relationship with me and now has dropped me like a piece of trash!!!!!

 

And the reason LB's post struck a nerve with me was because I have been questioning his claims since the day they started. I had GUT feelings that he was lying alot of the time. He made some major gaffs in some of his stories and I ignored them. Mountaineering seems to be alot about honour - if you climb one of these mounitans and say you summit you dont need to prove it - your word for it is taken. How could I question him when i was so terrified of offending him and "blowing it". He told me his dad died and he couldnt make a date - my GUT REACTION - that it was a lie. But then I thought - who in their right mind would say that to get out of a date!

 

I may as well have blindfolded myself and given him my hand as he led me down the path of all his lies and deceit.

 

AND i tried to let it go. We had another date set and he never showed. Nothing before hand to say he couldnt make it - no word at all - he just didnt show up! I sent him a text saying he had no balls. He didnt like that AT ALL and threw it back in my face. I let it go. Weeks after he came back with some excuse saying he was stil away etc. I wish he had just let me go then.

 

I was right about him having no balls. He dosent, or he does but dosent have a clue how to use them. He is THE WORST kind of man. He is a coward. If he isnt happy in his marriage then he should sort it out before railroading into other peoples lives and hurting the hell out of them. He KNEW I liked him, he didnt have to pretend he flippin liked me too!!!

Stunned - feel it, feel its power, and begin to feel your power. Not the power people use against others, but the power to take control of your life again. Your power to say: this is not right, and I deserve better.

 

Now, within all that, I don't want you to drive yourself over the edge - keep yourself safe, physically, socially, and emotionally. Feel it, work through it, understand it, but don't go and take it out on anyone, and especially don't turn it in on yourself. Don't let your anger drift into what you "should have done" or "could have done." It's not about that.

 

This is where I would say: go talk to a therapist, counsellor, or whatever, if at all possible. I do that, and working through my anger in the early stages was great to do, and it was great to have done it... I feel like I was able to own my anger, acknowledge it, get it out, and yet I don't feel like I continue to carry it as a burden today... I hope for that for you.

 

The strong feelings - anger, sadness, grief - may come and go, back and forth. You may feel like you are repeating things sometimes, but when you have those moments of strength (they will come) and those moments where you can envision a calm, stable, peaceful future (they will come, too...) see them, grab them in that moment, and rememember them for the darker times. Trust in them, and trust that they will come more often, and last longer as time goes on...

[imstunned]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm ALL OVER THE PLACE!! The anger subsided and left me with a stronger feeling of grief than I had before! I think its because when I look at his behaviour I can see how bad it has been towards me, and that hurts. But it was worse in the beginning - and better in the end - take away all the lies - if you know what I mean.

 

Hopefully at some stage I wil settle with the fact that he liked me enough to want an affair etc, that I wasnt rejected he just got busted, and that he is a bit messed up to boot.

[marlena]

Peronally, Stun, I believe that even if he hadn't been busted, the outcome would have been one and the same. Eventually, because you are intelligent, you would have seen through his game of charades and the revelation would have led to you to question him. And this is what would have driven him away! He would have realized at that exact point, that the game was over...that his cover had been blown to smithereens.. You would have stopped being the perfect VICTIM...and like the predator he is, he would have lurked off in search of fresh, unknowing victims.

 

This is a cycle he will repeat over and over again unless he gets help....that is, if he he is even aware that he has a problem.

 

My ex of just a few months ago who displays a lot of the same behavioural patterns had the nerve to tell me this outright to my face. Verbatim: As soon as a woman has me figured out, I move onto my next unsuspecting victim.

 

Not nice! Not at all.

 

When he made moves towards a reconciliation, I rejected all of them because I was scared. I was convinced he was a very disturbed person in dire need of professional help.

 

I am not saying your ex is is the same but the similarities are remarkable.

 

You know, you are stronger than you think.. You've stuck to NC which means you are listening to your inner voice...the rational intelligent one... Your emotions will soon catch up!

 

Marlena

[Bobby NoBrains]

Aaahhhh! At last the light begins to shine Welcome to the real world, babes. I'm so happy that you're seeing the situation clearly at long last. So many things to say, not enough words to say them. You didn't get rejected, he ran away cause he couldn't face you. Even if he comes back, all you will (or should) be doing is giving him the boot. But I'm really glad you realize that this is not your fault, it's his You're on your way to being healed now. Good luck and God bless.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[LucreziaBorgia]

Stunned, the stages of loss you will experience will not happen in discreet little packages, lined up in a neat line. You have:

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

They happen. But they won't happen in order. A lot of people have them in cycles - ups and downs, and overlaps for a long time before they even approach the acceptance stage.

 

Just take your time. With time it will get better. You were cut off at the height of passion in a fantasy 'too good to be true' situation. It takes a long time to work your way back down into reality.

[whichwayisup]

Congrats on feeling the power again! YOU are in control, not that f**khead!

 

Take each emotion as it comes, and start writing those thoughts down! Vent, scream, join a gym and do some kickboxing! Just focus that energy into something positive!

 

I'm glad that you've reached this anger stage because it means you've stopped blaming yourself.

[imstunned]

Thanks guys. Today has been a better day. I went shopping. Tomorrow night I am going out.

 

However tonight I am having a drink, and I'm fighting the urge to e-mail him. Lucky for me my e-mail is down. I'd like to wake up tomorrow and not have him on my mind. That would be nice, but at the same time I feel a little dead inside. He made me feel SO ALIVE.

 

Tosser!

[child_of_isis]

See....right here it is. When you had these gut feelings, you would lie to yourself.

 

Try not to focus on the lies that he told you but the lies that you told yourself. This is where the pain originates from.

 

They will be deep. And not easy to pull out of your psyche.

 

But..they will heal you.

 

And the reason LB's post struck a nerve with me was because I have been questioning his claims since the day they started. I had GUT feelings that he was lying alot of the time. He made some major gaffs in some of his stories and I ignored them. Mountaineering seems to be alot about honour - if you climb one of these mounitans and say you summit you dont need to prove it - your word for it is taken. How could I question him when i was so terrified of offending him and "blowing it". He told me his dad died and he couldnt make a date - my GUT REACTION - that it was a lie. But then I thought - who in their right mind would say that to get out of a date!

 

[norajane]

And the reason LB's post struck a nerve with me was because I have been questioning his claims since the day they started. I had GUT feelings that he was lying alot of the time. He made some major gaffs in some of his stories and I ignored them. Mountaineering seems to be alot about honour - if you climb one of these mounitans and say you summit you dont need to prove it - your word for it is taken. How could I question him when i was so terrified of offending him and "blowing it". He told me his dad died and he couldnt make a date - my GUT REACTION - that it was a lie. But then I thought - who in their right mind would say that to get out of a date!

 

I may as well have blindfolded myself and given him my hand as he led me down the path of all his lies and deceit.

 

There you go! A far cry from this, eh?

 

I WILL NEVER TRUST MY GUT AGAIN.

 

Your gut instinct is always there. Sometimes, we just don't want to hear what it's telling us!!

[imstunned]

Somebody is looking over me. For my e-mail to be down after I had a drink last night is a godsend. I would have mailed him for sure.

 

Girls you are right about my gut - and I have given myself SUCH a hard time about this - I didnt turn a blind eye, - I questoned him, and tried subtly to give him a way out of the lies. He never took me up on it. I asked to see photos - something happened to the camera. Short of asking to see his plane ticket I wasnt sure really what to do. I never had any PROOF, or EVIDENCE that anything he had ever said was a lie, untill the small slip up that he made at the end made it evident that he had lied to me about just one small thing. I questioned him shortly after.

 

Thinng is I NEVER really saw it comming that he was married & 2 Kids!!!. AND confusingly my GUT about him was that he was a decent bloke, and that he really liked me. Even when I finally asked him - I thought he would reply with "dont be silly!!" I guess it explains partly why I'm not so furious about all the lies. I knew they were lies. I just didnt know WHY.

 

(BTW I questioned all the claims on the trips so much that I actually copied the text exchanges between me and his "friend" out onto paper. I can tell you that now I know for sure he was never even away it makes pretty chilling reading.)

 

Anyway - Its 2 weeks now since I heard from him. Whats really clear is that this guy is a coward. I dont want to be with a coward. I want to be with a MAN. I am starting to feel quite lucky that his wife called me, but at other times I just feel sad and miss him, miss looking forward to seeing him.

 

Thanks for all your support - I'm sure I'm not through this yet. And I'll be in trouble if he contacts me - oh that reminds me - I had a nightmare that he did contact me via text - and was REALLY nasty!!??