norajane Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 norajane - today I'f I'm honest I want him back. I have no idea what that would really mean - perhaps along with being upset today we can add a bit of denial. But I havent contacted him - even though I have several ways to do it. I gues even I do have some pride. which way - I would be in trouble if he contacted me - I'd go back to him, if he wanted me to. I guess you'll all be hoping I stay strong and that he dosent contact me. Hopefully in time I will hope for the same thing, or even better, I wont care if he does or not! I believe you're a lot stronger and smarter than you think. And I predict even if he does contact you, you wouldn't take him back. Now that your eyes have been opened to his true nature, every word he says will be suspect in your mind. Remember that gut instinct of yours? It will be questioning everything he says and how much of a lie he's telling you, and how much truth he is omitting, and you'll realize that you can't ever trust him about anything. The truth has already shattered the fantasy relationship he created for you, and you aren't going to be able to just step back into it. You wouldn't take him back because it won't feel the same anymore. You'll know you wouldn't be taking back the single, adventurous, sexy guy you thought were dating, but the married, cowardly, pathetic louse that he is.
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Openbook I tired to send you a PM but havent a clue how to do it. Thank you for your kind words, they REALLY mean alot. Absolutely, you're welcome. You really aren't alone. So stop that!! I just now tried to send you a PM, but it says you haven't enabled your Private Messaging. To enable it, click on the "Private Messages" link in the top right corner of your screen. Then click on "Edit Options" in the sidebar on the left. There's a checkbox for "Enable Private Messaging" about halfway down. It needs to be checked in order for you to be able to do PM's.
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 which way - I would be in trouble if he contacted me - I'd go back to him, if he wanted me to. I guess you'll all be hoping I stay strong and that he dosent contact me. Hopefully in time I will hope for the same thing, or even better, I wont care if he does or not! Thanks too to sb129 & White Flower for your comments/support. I'd be totally alone in this if not for this forum. My mum called me today and I happened to be in floods of tears. She got instantly angry with me and told me to call her later. I am trying really hard, doing my best but i feel like its not enough. Like I said - today and yesterday have been bad. I can only hope tomorrow is better. You are quite welcome. Hang in there, my dear. We are here for you. It's only natural to want him the way you knew him. But remember, he is NOT that man he made himself out to be. Hugs
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 today I'f I'm honest I want him back. I have no idea what that would really mean - Sadly, he was never yours to begin with...Even if he calls you, do you want to be the OW in his life? Do you want an affair with this man? Do you want him to leave his wife and children for you? Let's say he says he wants to see you again...How has anything changed, except NOW you KNOW he's married and his children? How can you trust him? Could you knowingly involve yourself with him, after his wife calling you? Knowing that he has a family? Either way, you're gonna get hurt and as much as you're hurting now, it IS best to grieve, do your best to move on. If you hang onto this guy in hopes that you'll have 'something, or anything' with him, YOU will hurt for a very long time - By choice.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 which way - I would be in trouble if he contacted me - I'd go back to him, if he wanted me to. I guess you'll all be hoping I stay strong and that he dosent contact me. Hopefully in time I will hope for the same thing, or even better, I wont care if he does or not! I mean this as nicely as possible because I can see how mixed up you are with your emotions/feelings, but I strongly suggest you seek counselling. There's something really wrong here...
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Absolutely, you're welcome. You really aren't alone. So stop that!! I just now tried to send you a PM, but it says you haven't enabled your Private Messaging. To enable it, click on the "Private Messages" link in the top right corner of your screen. Then click on "Edit Options" in the sidebar on the left. There's a checkbox for "Enable Private Messaging" about halfway down. It needs to be checked in order for you to be able to do PM's. Hi OpenBook, I couldn't find the "Private Messages" link in the top right corner. Would it be on the general opening page? I have scoured this page as well as my account and couldn't find anything on PM so far. Thanks.
norajane Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Hi OpenBook, I couldn't find the "Private Messages" link in the top right corner. Would it be on the general opening page? I have scoured this page as well as my account and couldn't find anything on PM so far. Thanks. Go to My Profile/CP - it's on the top left of the screen. Select Edit Options from the menu bar on the left. Scroll down and check the box next to Enable Private Messages.
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Go to My Profile/CP - it's on the top left of the screen. Select Edit Options from the menu bar on the left. Scroll down and check the box next to Enable Private Messages. Thanks Norajane, When I go to edit options, there is no tab that says "Enable Privat Messaging". Could this be perhaps because I am a new member and not an established member? Sorry to hijack Imstunned's thread. I hope this info helps her as well.
norajane Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks Norajane, When I go to edit options, there is no tab that says "Enable Privat Messaging". Could this be perhaps because I am a new member and not an established member? Sorry to hijack Imstunned's thread. I hope this info helps her as well. Ah, yes - that's right. I think you have to post for a month or a certain number of posts. Not sure exactly how long it takes.
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Ah, yes - that's right. I think you have to post for a month or a certain number of posts. Not sure exactly how long it takes. So that explains it. Thanks a bunch and I'll try in 3 weeks. You've all been an addicting bunch here at LS!
Author imstunned Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Hi everyone. Thanks again for the advice and comments. I still havent caved in and contacted him, - I made a deal with myself that if I still wanted to cotnact him by tomorrow that I would allow myself to do it. I'm going to change the date - wait for another 2 weeks and see how I feel. Its the only way I can do it. Today I'm not in floods of tears but feel flat and very tired. HOWEVER I can see that it may just be possible that rather than being rejected by him he was simply busted. I have been taking it very personally - taking the NC from him as blatant rejection, but I dont have the faintest clue whats going on in his head or his house. Its best for me that I dont view it a rejection and instead view it as him being found out. I'll probably never know which it is - but I feel better thinking its the latter. Call it denial on my part if you want - but I just have to try and get through this as best I can, and that helps a little. AND it helps to think he may be wondering about me a little. I have always been fairly available - I wonder If I'm looking so available now? I honestly cant quite believe I have got through 2 weeks without mailing him. I suspect it wil get easier - BUT I also think that with that will come a new delusion that I could mail him and not be bothered if he replied etc - but actually be wrong. Does that make sense? I can see that I will actually be just as likley to contact him in 2 months as I am now. I hope curiosity dosent get the better of me. I'm not convinced that I would take him back if he did call - at the moment I simply WANT him to call as that in my head would show me that he wants me and hasnt rejected me. I cant see how I could make mad passionate love to a man knowing that when he leaves he will be going home to his wife and kids. It would tear me apart, but I'd be very susceptible (sp??) to doing what every other OW does, and finding ways to deal with it, ignore it, and cling onto the hope that one day he would be mine. I hope that should he ever contact me I do prove myself to be stnger than I think! I have looked at my profile for PM'ing and cant change any preferecnes. I think its because i am too new a member. I have been here for only about 2 weeks, if that as its 2 weeks since she called and I joined after that. I'll try and change it periodically. I cant thank you all enough for your support. I am far from though this - and wil be posting for some time to come.
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I would bet money that he's thinking about you. Men don't come on like gangbusters like he did, unless they were totally into you. Unfortunately, that has nothing to do with what absolute SNAKES they can be. I strongly believe that you will feel a whole lot better about yourself if you continue with the NC... but YOU (not me, and not anyone else) are always the best person to judge what's the right call for YOU. I hate to sound like a broken record here... but you have absolutely NO IDEA how you will feel in 2 months, and how you will react if he contacts you. The future is ALWAYS in motion. The possibilities are infinite. Right now your emotions are all to h*ll and you can't think clearly because of them. It is not a good time to make big decisions. Just be patient with yourself... Time is your absolute best friend right now. And I think you're doing great!! And yes it does take awhile before you see the PM feature... I joined LS in May and it seemed like it took forever!... but it really didn't. I think they just want to make sure you're "for real" before they give you additional powers. Are You A Good Witch, Or A Bad Witch?? :D
sb129 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Oh, the Bad Witches get the PM feature eventually too.... Imstunned, while it may not feel like it to you, you are moving on. The fact that you aren't crying all day is a sign of that. Keep it up. I am proud of you.
Author imstunned Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I'll post like a banshee til I get the pm feature. I am a confused witch! When will this new obsession with what his wife is like pass?
sb129 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Not for a while probably. When i was an OW, i became very obsessed with MMs W. I even silent called her a few times. Psycho huh. Its a total waste of energy though. Finding things out about her won't achieve anything except frustrate and confuse you even more.
Author imstunned Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 You silent called her?? Wow, you must have been very curious about her. I'd just like to know what she looks like. I know she must be a fair few years younger than me - but I want to know - prettier? Slimmer? Clever? Successful? Knowing wouldnt get me anywhere - if I percieved her to be "better" than me I'd be crushed, and If I thought I was prettier than her I'd be crushed too. Ah - the usual loose loose sitaution! Funny - I got a hang up call tonight. Didnt think much of it untill after - hope to god its not her calling! I'm suprised I havent heard from her again.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Maybe this is just another phase of the puzzle you gotta go through before you get to the other side. I dunno. Remember, this isn't a competition. This is his wife and none of this is her fault, just like none of this is your fault. It's the scumbag's fault!
Author imstunned Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Hi Which way - I hope its a phase that I pass through QUICK. I dont like it at all. Its totally irrelevant really what she looks like - as it is what I look like if she is wondering too. Its just a horrible nagging wonder that I have. The whole situation is just bloomin horrible!!
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 You silent called her?? Wow, you must have been very curious about her. I'd just like to know what she looks like. I know she must be a fair few years younger than me - but I want to know - prettier? Slimmer? Clever? Successful? Knowing wouldnt get me anywhere - if I percieved her to be "better" than me I'd be crushed, and If I thought I was prettier than her I'd be crushed too. Ah - the usual loose loose sitaution! Funny - I got a hang up call tonight. Didnt think much of it untill after - hope to god its not her calling! I'm suprised I havent heard from her again. You're right; it would not make a difference at all knowing what she looked like or how pretty or slim she is. He chose you just as you were. He obviously found you attractive enough to take a risk. Ah...the obsession! Think only about healing yourself now.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Yes it is horrible. But life WILL get better! Just don't focus on his wife at all. You need to get together with some girl friends, have some fun, let loose and laugh! Forget all this crap for afew days and LIVE a little!
Trimmer Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I cant see how I could make mad passionate love to a man knowing that when he leaves he will be going home to his wife and kids. Stunned, that's a good point, and a real dose of reality, isn't it? I'm going to reiterate a theme I think I mentioned earlier, which is that I think you are feeling this confusion as you try to reconcile the fact that you are pining for a man who, on the other hand, you are coming to realize has completely ceased to exist! When you wonder whether he "rejected you", it might as well be as if "he" was hit by a bus and killed - it doesn't make sense to wonder if he rejected you as he doesn't exist any more. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the relationship you had with the man you thought you were with; I believe you can and should mourn that loss, as the relationship was real to you. I'm not convinced that I would take him back if he did call - at the moment I simply WANT him to call as that in my head would show me that he wants me and hasnt rejected me. However, don't forget that the man you now wonder about is NOT the confident, capable, adventuresome mountain climber, but in all likelihood a sniveling, deceiving, deluded husband, who at this point has, though his twisted, cruel, and willing deceptions, disappointed and betrayed the people who thought they loved him, the people who thought they knew who he was. For all the respect he showed you, he might as well have looked you in the eye, said "sorry, I can't handle reality" and committed suicide. When you think about the man who you thought he was, don't forget his cruelty in deceiving you, in the way he deceived you, in the way he deceived his wife and children, and his cowardice in hiding his true self from everyone. What would it even mean to "be with him?" You couldn't be with the "him" that existed before. That "him" went POOF! when his house of cards came down... You told us early on that you wouldn't consider having an affair with a married man - "it's not who I am" or something like that was how you put it, I think... Would you consider having an affair with a married husband and father who was a total stranger to you, a cruel, pathological liar, and a coward? This is the picture of reality that exists now, and that's pretty much all you know about him.
Author imstunned Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Hi Trimmer. Thanks for your wise words. They make alot of sense. After having a rotten few days which accumilated in a BLAZING row with my mother (she is angry with me as I am upset), I thought I may wake feeling a little better today. I dont. I feel worse. Its like the reality that he wont be getting in touch is starting to sink in. And my god its really hurting me. I have spent much of the morning in tears, and if it wasnt fot the fact I cant access my bloomin e-mail I would have mailed him to ask why I dont even warrant a goodbye. Its like to him I dont exist. Why cant I just accept that he dosent give a flying F**k about me and move on. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??
OpenBook Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Hi Trimmer. Thanks for your wise words. They make alot of sense. After having a rotten few days which accumilated in a BLAZING row with my mother (she is angry with me as I am upset), I thought I may wake feeling a little better today. I dont. I feel worse. Its like the reality that he wont be getting in touch is starting to sink in. And my god its really hurting me. I have spent much of the morning in tears, and if it wasnt fot the fact I cant access my bloomin e-mail I would have mailed him to ask why I dont even warrant a goodbye. Its like to him I dont exist. Why cant I just accept that he dosent give a flying F**k about me and move on. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?? There is something in the way this man treated you that really got to you. He made you feel like the Goddess that he'd been waiting all his life to meet, am I right?? And then, all of the sudden the whole thing comes crashing down around you, and you realize it was just an illusion. Who WOULDN'T have a hard time with that??!? What you need to remember is, you were a Goddess BEFORE HE EVER CAME ALONG... and you will continue to be in your future. OK, a sadder and wiser Goddess. But IT IS NOT HIS CALL to make you a Goddess or not. You are already there!! You must use the mystery and unknowing to your advantage. If you contact him, it will indicate to him that you are willing to put up with more of his bullsh*t. And he will lose respect for you. You will not be a Goddess anymore to him!! As it stands now, you are WAY TOO GOOD for him, and he knows it!! You are PROVING that to him by NOT getting in touch with him. Keep it that way!!
Author imstunned Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 He made you feel like the Goddess that he'd been waiting all his life to meet, am I right?? And then, all of the sudden the whole thing comes crashing down around you, and you realize it was just an illusion. You have hit upon something there for sure OB. He didnt make me feel like the woman of his dreams but he did say things like "when I saw you on my return from ***** I thought all my dreams had come true" - and "cant get enough of you" etc that kind of stuff. I felt like a goddess for sure. I felt like a trillion dollars, I have never EVER felt so desired in my life. I dont think I have ever had the effect on a man that I seemed to have on him, nor has one had quite the effect on me. It made me feel so ALIVE. I felt like a beautiful, sexual all loving and poweful woman, and now I feel like SH*T on his shoe. I know that I am the same woman, look the same, etc, but it was that chemistry that I felt we had TOGETHER that made me feel so great! Hence the REAL stuggle I have with - was none of that real? Only real for me? Deep down I dont really believe so - but I guess I'll never really know - unless I believe what he has said - and I know everyone will say not to believe a word he says.
OpenBook Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I have never EVER felt so desired in my life. I dont think I have ever had the effect on a man that I seemed to have on him, nor has one had quite the effect on me. It made me feel so ALIVE. I felt like a beautiful, sexual all loving and poweful woman ... And you will feel that way again. But it will be calmer, more based on reality, a different kind of intensity. When your future H (or SO) looks at you with an adoring gaze, the feeling you get from it will be so much deeper and richer than what this guy could ever give you. And it will LAST. Hence the REAL stuggle I have with - was none of that real? Only real for me? No, I'm sure he felt a powerful attraction to you as well. He knew the only way he could have you was by spinning this grand tale about himself... so he did it. And you fell for it. Men like that, it's like a game to them. You were the prize. But you will not fall for it again.
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