MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 my MM knows i've been coming to this forum recently, and while i don't want to share everything here with him (i need an outlet!!) we were discussing some of things that are brought up here. we talked about how people generally view affairs as bad (nothing new:laugh:) and how unless you're in one, you don't understand how it could happen. i started to tell him how a lot of the "help" i was given involved telling me to leave him, to which he immediately said "you're not, are you?!" and he was pretty alarmed, i must say. i told him that i am not spending our relationship focusing on the end, that there is no point in having it if i am going to do that, but that in all honesty, if the time comes and i am no longer made happy with what i am getting out of the relationship, i certainly would end it, just like i would if our relationship were a regular, uncompromised one. he seemed hurt that i would even think that, and he stopped talking to me for a few minutes while he thought about it. i kept asking what was wrong, and he said "you knew i was married when we started dating" and i said yes, i knew, and he said, "well what if i can never get out of it? do you end it then?" and i said, if that's when i am ready, then yes, i will. the fact that you're married doesn't bother me now, but weeks, months, years from now, it might. i don't know. maybe our break-up won't have anything to do with your marriage, maybe i'll meet someone else one day, maybe we'll both just see it's not going anywhere and move on. only time will tell, just like any relationship. he is so bothered by this. he said the fact that i am just accepting the fact that it might end one day means maybe we should just end it now. i don't think he really wants to do that, i think he's just trying to get me to say i won't ever leave him. i guess i am just trying to be realistic, so why does this bother him so much? i don't care that he's married right now, so does he really have a right to get upset over something that i haven't even done yet, something that happens in uncompromised relationships all the time? or is he thinking that things with me might get even more serious, and he can't believe how accepting i am that one day we might not be together? does this happen to other people? the fact that it bothers him that i am realistic bothers me more than the fact that he's married. does he think he calls the shots because he is the one who would have to end a marriage?
reboot Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Sounds like he's afraid of NOT being able to call the shots.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Sounds like he's afraid of NOT being able to call the shots. yes, that's what i mean, like all of a sudden he's realizing he's not the only one who decides where this goes. maybe he thinks if i'm "desperate" enough (i'm not desperate) to be with him when he's married, he has me where he wants me? i'm not with him because i'm desperate enough date a married man; i'm dating him because i care enough about him despite the fact that he's married. maybe i'm making too much of this, but it didn't sit right with me. i know this seems like a small problem, considerin him being married and all, but my lord. he threw me this time (not literally!)
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 he is so bothered by this. he said the fact that i am just accepting the fact that it might end one day means maybe we should just end it now. i don't think he really wants to do that, i think he's just trying to get me to say i won't ever leave him. This pretty much sums it all, doesn't it? He, I guess, just assumed you were going to continue to be his OW and be happy enough with that. Eventually you will want more, your heart will take over...But, he won't be able to give you ALL of him, just parts of him on his terms most of the time. He IS realizing that you do have some power and control here, and he doesn't like it. That if one day you've had enough, you WILL end it and move on.
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 i kept asking what was wrong, and he said "you knew i was married when we started dating" and i said yes, i knew, and he said, "well what if i can never get out of it? do you end it then?"Yes, it most certainly does sound like he expects that you'd stick with him no matter what, as though YOU have made a lifetime commitment to be with him like his wife did. MM can be really selfish and self-absorbed...it's all about him. It clearly never occurred to him that you might ever want something other than an affair relationship with him.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 It clearly never occurred to him that you might ever want something other than an affair relationship with him With that being said, it also shows you that he never intends on leaving his wife and ending his marriage to be with you, to build a future with you.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 It sounds to me like he's worried that you're not going to be satisfied with your status as the OW, but I would just reassure him that you're perfectly fine with it and that his secret is safe with you. A MM gets nervous when he thinks you actually might place demands on him. Since you knew he was married when you started in with him, he expects you to remain at his beck and call forever, and why shouldn't he? Men have certain expectations from women who agree to be the OW, expectations they would never have from women with higher standards.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 With that being said, it also shows you that he never intends on leaving his wife and ending his marriage to be with you, to build a future with you. Yep, he's probably now realizing that he might have to find himself an OOW.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 It sounds to me like he's worried that you're not going to be satisfied with your status as the OW, but I would just reassure him that you're perfectly fine with it and that his secret is safe with you. A MM gets nervous when he thinks you actually might place demands on him. Since you knew he was married when you started in with him, he expects you to remain at his beck and call forever, and why shouldn't he? Men have certain expectations from women who agree to be the OW, expectations they would never have from women with higher standards. correction, i am perfectly fine with it right now. that doesn't mean forever. you don't need to worry about my standards, but nice try at an insult. not every woman dating a taken man is a dog begging for scraps. i'm well aware the one day this might not be enough for me...and lately it's more often.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 he is so bothered by this. he said the fact that i am just accepting the fact that it might end one day means maybe we should just end it now. i don't think he really wants to do that, i think he's just trying to get me to say i won't ever leave him. He's bluffing. Its a form of manipulation that people use. They take what they perceive as a threat, multiply it and throw it back in your face without ever intending to act on it. Its basically just a way to get you to back down, and comply. He gambled a bit on your devotion to him, and he figured your devotion to him outweighs your own needs and you won't really go anywhere. If he thought you were REALLY going to leave him, he wouldn't be threatening you like this. Why does it upset him? Because his needs mean more to him than yours do. Any time you speak up for yourself and the type of relationship you want, he gets angry because he knows he can't ever give it to you. What does he do? He projects that anger, and manipulates you to get you back in line. It sounds brutal, but you know what they say... alls fair in love and war. There's a reason they pair 'love' with 'war'. Both can have glorious victories, and absolutely devastating defeats.
Tomcat33 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Well it sounds like he is unhappy and threatened because you are actually thinking. He wants you to feel and do, but not rationalise and think. If you came here and talking things out on this site has sparked up some questions in you, that's fine, don't doubt yourself. He also knows that he is married and surely he didn't expect you to be quietly by his side for ever did he? Just listen to your inner voice, as others said he will try to manipulate you into thinking otherwise and he is calling your bluff. If he loves you he has to understand that your thought process is very much a part of you, and a part you that you share with him. He must learn to accept you as a whole not as in a selfish way, ie good times only.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 You could always try calling his bluff. i'm thinking about doing just that, actually. he gets off of work in an hour and is suppose to come to my house before he goes home. i do not think that just because he's married means he is a selfish pig in all areas, no questions asked. but this particular conversation left me sour. i am planning what to say, because i do care about, and i do want to be with him, but i'm starting question what all this about for him. personally, i don't think he is using me, our relationship is rarely physical. he's never made me feel like that and still doesn't. but that's not what is bothering me anyway. what's bothering me is how i feel. and now i feel like he is pushing me to make a decision, when i assumed it might be the other way around.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 How would you call his bluff? By telling him you won't see him until he leaves his wife? We ALL know that's not going to happen.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 so he came and i didn't know what to say to him. i knew i couldn't act like everything is normal, so i told him to go home. he said his wife isn't expecting him home for another few hours. i told him he didn't have to go home but he couldn't stay here. i feel like my head is all over the place. what is happening? i care about him, but all of a sudden, i feel like something is bcoming more clear that wasn't before. all it took was him indicating he never thought i would be the one to end it. this is crazy. i need to snap out of it. i'm just reeling. someone talk to me please. someone helpful.
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 but all of a sudden, i feel like something is bcoming more clear that wasn't before. all it took was him indicating he never thought i would be the one to end it. this is crazy. This is your gut instinct telling you to get out now before you things get out of hand and you become more attached and get hurt badly. Keep going with this train of thought. He may actually care alot about you, but he is married and that isn't going to change.
squeak Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 He's bluffing. Its a form of manipulation that people use. They take what they perceive as a threat, multiply it and throw it back in your face without ever intending to act on it. Its basically just a way to get you to back down, and comply. He gambled a bit on your devotion to him, and he figured your devotion to him outweighs your own needs and you won't really go anywhere. If he thought you were REALLY going to leave him, he wouldn't be threatening you like this. Why does it upset him? Because his needs mean more to him than yours do. Any time you speak up for yourself and the type of relationship you want, he gets angry because he knows he can't ever give it to you. What does he do? He projects that anger, and manipulates you to get you back in line. It sounds brutal, but you know what they say... alls fair in love and war. There's a reason they pair 'love' with 'war'. Both can have glorious victories, and absolutely devastating defeats. Lucrezia you are amazing! It is so true.
OpenBook Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 i started to tell him how a lot of the "help" i was given involved telling me to leave him, to which he immediately said "you're not, are you?!" and he was pretty alarmed, i must say... i kept asking what was wrong, and he said "you knew i was married when we started dating" and i said yes, i knew, and he said, "well what if i can never get out of it? do you end it then?" all it took was him indicating he never thought i would be the one to end it. He is not behaving like he loves you. If he really loved you, he would sit down with you and do everything he could to reassure you. He didn't. It is a great shock to you, because this is not the way he has behaved before. God, I hate when this happens!! If it makes you feel any better, a lot of us have already been where you are. Go ahead and flip out in the privacy of your own home if you want to. Call a friend. Turn up MTV real loud. Whatever. Just DO NOT give him any indication about how upset you are. It is time to detach; pull back your emotions from him. You are currently under great stress emotionally. I do not think it is wise to make any decisions at this time. You really don't have to do ANYTHING right now. Just take care of yourself, OK? One step at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything's going to work itself out in time. You're going to be all right.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 ...we talked about how people generally view affairs as bad (nothing new:laugh:) and how unless you're in one, you don't understand how it could happen.I know EXACTLY how mine happened - I made choices every step of the way and decisions every step of the way in order for it to happen. ..he said the fact that i am just accepting the fact that it might end one day means maybe we should just end it now. In other words, he has no plans on leaving and wants someone to be his 'girlfriend' for as long as it suits him. He wants to ensure that he gets to KEEP his life and someone on the side as well. Got it. i guess i am just trying to be realistic, so why does this bother him so much? Because he's not GOING anywhere and would like to know you'll sacrifice the rest of your LIFE if you have to, in order to continue giving him what HE wants? ..or is he thinking that things with me might get even more serious, and he can't believe how accepting i am that one day we might not be together?Don't kid yourself. A large part of affairs is ALL ABOUT A MARRIED MAN'S EGO. ..i'm dating him because i care enough about him despite the fact that he's married.LOL...is that what you call it? "Dating?" You're not dating. Call a spade a spade.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 I know EXACTLY how mine happened - I made choices every step of the way and decisions every step of the way in order for it to happen. In other words, he has no plans on leaving and wants someone to be his 'girlfriend' for as long as it suits him. He wants to ensure that he gets to KEEP his life and someone on the side as well. Got it. Because he's not GOING anywhere and would like to know you'll sacrifice the rest of your LIFE if you have to, in order to continue giving him what HE wants? Don't kid yourself. A large part of affairs is ALL ABOUT A MARRIED MAN'S EGO. LOL...is that what you call it? "Dating?" You're not dating. Call a spade a spade. well, i'm not you and you're not me, so i guess it would be unwise for both of us to assume our situations are the same. so i won't.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 he called me twice, my blood froze. i can't make myself answer. i just NOW got a text message with a frowny face. a frowny face? why did this face make me so mad????? i'm seething looking at this thing. i'm starting to really get angry, and yet nothing is really happening to make me angry. i just keep getting angrier. maybe it's not anger. maybe it uneasy or something, but i don't feel right. i'm strating to feel like he's a total joke, and yet part of me is going no, no he's not. then someone says something on this board to me like callsemasiseem and it only makes me want defend him more. then i think of the frowny.
norajane Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 i feel like my head is all over the place. what is happening? i care about him, but all of a sudden, i feel like something is bcoming more clear that wasn't before. all it took was him indicating he never thought i would be the one to end it. this is crazy. i need to snap out of it. i'm just reeling. someone talk to me please. someone helpful. What's happening is that you are starting to see him for who and what he really is - and you're realizing he's not who and what you thought he was.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 He is waiting for your reaction, hense the frown face...Hense him calling you twice. You're doing great. Ignore him.
Havn_a_life Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I think if she ignores him long enough, maybe the rest of the day, maybe the rest of the week, he may be the type of person to show his true colors, since he isn't getting the treatment he signed up for. He hasn't realized, this OW didn't sign any agreement to be his OW for as long as he wants her to.
Author MeAndNotHer Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 He hasn't realized, this OW didn't sign any agreement to be his OW for as long as he wants her to. yes, i'm starting to realize more and more, minute by minute, where am i in all this? maybe it's a little immature and indignant of me, but i'm starting to feel more selfish, i thought this was bad in relationships, but wtf.
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