confusedaboutmylove Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Hi... I'm new to this... but I wanted to get issues off my chest. My husband swears at me. Not all the time, just occassionally. I hate being sworn at, I feel it is abusive. He knows this. We've been married for almost 6 years, and he hasn't stopped. The thing is, when he swears, I feel like I have no recourse for this behaviour that I don't like. He says sorry, and I just have to accept it. And then it happens again, and again, and again. So I feel like I have 2 choices. Accept it, saying "please don't swear at me" or not. I don't want to leave him (although I tell him I do after he swears at me) so I feel like I have no choice but to just deal with this disgusting behaviour that I never intended on having in my life. And because I just have to deal with it, I then feel trapped in a relationship that I don't like. I feel verbally abused and taken for granted. And then I feel depressed. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 How often does it happen? My mom was physically and verbally (+emotionally) abused by her 2nd husband and some boyfriends when I was little - 5-11 years old, I mean my exstepdad tried to drown my mom with a hose on the hood of our car while we were waiting to go to school, sitting in the car. When I married my H, I told him if he ever swore at me I would leave, to me (I hate to generalize) it's one step away from physically violence and therefore a deal breaker. Does he swear at you or about you, like does he say he is "F^^^ing pissed off", or does he call you names? To me there is a difference, however, you should not feel afraid of your husband. Would he consider anger managment sessions with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
nicole_m Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Girl, If i was you I would leave him just to show him I ment businness. Take a look at the other aspects in your life, does he treat you good, or does he disrespect you in a lot of other ways. Obsever that and the answer about what u should do will come to u. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 He actually does treat me very well outside of the swearing. And he does swear about me. For example, a week ago, he called me a "F.... psycho". And it doesn't happen that often, but when it does, it is always so hurtful. He says I'm just too sensitive. I don't know... there does need to be a compromise in there somewhere, I just hate feeling so depressed afterwards. Geez, I have to get a grip on this... it is his words, not my actuality. I think I do need to figure out why the swearing bothers me so much. I guess I feel the worst part about the swearing is that if he really cared for me, and wasn't so selfish in the heat of battle, he wouldn't do this, because he knows how much it upsets me. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 You might want to try marriage counseling. He probably has no idea how deeply it hurts you to hear those words.. he most likely grew up in a household that name calling was how they fought. In a previous life I was married to a woman that was a name caller / swearer. She grew up in a household that her Mom and Dad swore at each other and her Dad did some name calling.. She also did not mean her swearing/name calling the way I took it... After marriage counseling I learned that how I took it and how she meant it were 2 different things. I soon realized that she was just repeating her past and was doing what she thought was how you do it.. It was also her defense mechanism during an argument.. Sitting him down and explaining to him how his words affect you would be a wise thing to do.. if he doesn't listen then hash it out in Marriage Counseling.. There is no reason to leave him if there are no other areas of your life that this bleeds into.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 . I think I do need to figure out why the swearing bothers me so much. Name calling bothers me quite a bit because my Dad used to call me names.. not horrible ones.. just nicknames that were not so supportive of me.. He never really called me by my real name much I also grew up in his and my brothers shadow.. I was always Mr so and so's son or so and so's brother.. I was never just Art.. So I was more sensitive to being called names during a disagreement later on in life By the way.. even though I have mentioned ways to help you get around it I want you to understand that name calling isn't something you should just take because he loves you.. Even though he may not mean it the way you take it and you are sensitive to his swearing, that still doesn't mean it is an okay reaction/action for him to have. He needs to lean how much his words impact you and you need to learn how he really means those swearing words but it needs to be both of you adjusting.. not just you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 thanks for the 3 of you who responded. I actually feel better now that I have "talked" to you guys about it. Everyone is right... evaluate the rest of my life with my husband and see if there are any other things to worry about... which there really aren't... and then go from there. He does know how much it hurts me. He did grow up in a family that swore at each other. He does not "mean" what he is saying... in other words, it has a different value for him than it does for me... and he is working on it... at the beginning of our marriage he called me a "f...g b...h" and I told him if he ever called me that again, I would leave him, and he has never done that again... so he knows how to stop it if he really wants to. anyway, anymore advice/questions would be great. It is a great way to process the thoughts, and he is away at the moment so it gives me a good chance to really evaluate the marriage... in a good way. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Tell him that it stops right now even if he needs to get help to deal with it or you are out. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Name calling is not acceptable, and its a power/control thing for him. Even if he learned it as a child, he can unlearn that behavior by seeking help for these verbal/mental abusive ways. Of course he has to want too. Make it clear to him how it makes you feel, and let him know its unacceptable. Offer to go with him for some counseling. If he refuses to go, or doesn't want to work on himself, it might be time that you take a stand and take care of yourself and do what ever it is you feel you need to do to break free from that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Tell him that it stops right now even if he needs to get help to deal with it or you are out. I do not want to do that. Yes, I want the swearing to stop... I really, really do. Will I leave him when (not if) he swears at me again, no. There are too many other beautiful things about our relationship. I just need to learn some ways to handle the swearing better, so that it doesn't spiral so quickly down hill when it happens. If I can be the bigger person here when it comes to this shortfall of his, then I win! The swearing gets such a reaction from me, that I think sometimes it is used FOR the reaction. Maybe no reaction, or delayed reaction (like, a day later... "can you say sorry for speaking to me that way") should be the way to go. I can still ask him to try not to swear, but I'm not willing to leave him currently, even though I know he will swear at me again. what do you think about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Name calling is not acceptable, and its a power/control thing for him. I couldn't agree more. He and I have so many power/control struggles on so many different levels, and I do think the swearing is a control thing. The last thing I want to do is swear back at him, or yell/shout etc. I just don't want to be in an environment where that sort of climate is going on... Can you explain a little further how you think swearing is a power/control thing? I guess it only is that way if I respond in a certain way, right? It can only be a power thing if I let it be, right? Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I do not want to do that. Yes, I want the swearing to stop... I really, really do. Will I leave him when (not if) he swears at me again, no. There are too many other beautiful things about our relationship. I just need to learn some ways to handle the swearing better, so that it doesn't spiral so quickly down hill when it happens. If I can be the bigger person here when it comes to this shortfall of his, then I win! The swearing gets such a reaction from me, that I think sometimes it is used FOR the reaction. Maybe no reaction, or delayed reaction (like, a day later... "can you say sorry for speaking to me that way") should be the way to go. I can still ask him to try not to swear, but I'm not willing to leave him currently, even though I know he will swear at me again. what do you think about that? So you have already made it up in your mind that even if he doesn't stop you're not leaving? You're going to be an enabler? I'm not saying you caused this, becasue you didn't, but I am saying, that you will allow his behavior to continue if you do NOT say something to him and let him know how it makes you feel and suggest him getting help. YOu can NOT change him, but yes you can change how you deal with this. "The swearing gets such a reaction from me, that I think sometimes its used for the reaction." You probably right, as I said before, its a control thing. Every action has a reaction. Change how you react. Does it mean he will stop swearing? Maybe, maybe not. He more than likely will need some help unlearning this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 I'm not saying you caused this, becasue you didn't, but I am saying, that you will allow his behavior to continue if you do NOT say something to him and let him know how it makes you feel and suggest him getting help. But I HAVE told him, about a million times. He knows. That's the worst part about the whole situation. He KNOWS how much it hurts me, but he persits. sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Can you explain a little further how you think swearing is a power/control thing? He is doing it to knock your self esteem down. He will feel more powerful in his own eyes. Makes himself feel more superior. He is the one with low self esteem BUT, he comes across having the upper hand because he wants the control. Gives him a high perhaps. Its sad really, but some people enjoy seeing others hurt, scared or not having any self esteem, it basically comes from what was done to them. He is going to have to WANT to stop this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 But I HAVE told him, about a million times. He knows. That's the worst part about the whole situation. He KNOWS how much it hurts me, but he persits. sigh. I understand. But to him it doesn't matter that it hurts you. He is caught up in the control of it all. He is getting something from it or he wouldn't keep doing it. Go to google and type in verbally abusive people and maybe it can give you a better description of wht might be going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Can you explain a little further how you think swearing is a power/control thing? He is doing it to knock your self esteem down. He will feel more powerful in his own eyes. Makes himself feel more superior. He is the one with low self esteem BUT, he comes across having the upper hand because he wants the control. Gives him a high perhaps. Its sad really, but some people enjoy seeing others hurt, scared or not having any self esteem, it basically comes from what was done to them. He is going to have to WANT to stop this behavior. hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one. I'm not sure if that is the reason he swears, or if, as someone else stated earlier, he really doesn't place the same intention on his words as how I receive them. Maybe a bit of both. definitely food for thought! Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one. I'm not sure if that is the reason he swears, or if, as someone else stated earlier, he really doesn't place the same intention on his words as how I receive them. Maybe a bit of both. definitely food for thought! Google verbally abusive people. There is a link on there about verbal abuse in relationships that might be helpful. Also his name calling/swearing is NOT about you. So please know its not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 He is doing it to knock your self esteem down. He will feel more powerful in his own eyes. Makes himself feel more superior. He is the one with low self esteem BUT, he comes across having the upper hand because he wants the control. Gives him a high perhaps. Its sad really, but some people enjoy seeing others hurt, scared or not having any self esteem, it basically comes from what was done to them. He is going to have to WANT to stop this behavior. While this is true for an abuser she has said that other areas of her life are okay and he isn't abusive. I do think it has an abusive look and feel to it from the person who he is swearing at but I don't think he is doing it for power and control in the manner you are thinking.. I don't think she should sit there and take it either.. I think he is doing it because this is how his family handled arguments when he was growing up. It might be possible that his father was abusive towards his mother and that is how they fought and he learned that behavior from that. It would benefit you both to go see a therapist about this issue.. He probably has no idea why he acts this way.. My ExWife had no idea why she called me the names she did until we entered in counseling and she was able to put 2 and 2 together.. It helped me tremendously as well.. I learned that how I took the name calling and how she really meant it were not the same.. She did learn to control her name calling.. ( until the divorce that is ) Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 OK AC thanks. BUt yes, sometimes it is about control, and maybe sometimes its not. Maybe in her situation its NOT about control for him, and maybe it wasn't for his family as well. I read the link I had mentioned earlier about googling, and it did say that sometimes abusers are not even aware that what they are saying is not good. They also don't acknowledge what it is they think they are not doing wrong, because in their eyes what theya re doing is acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 OK AC thanks. BUt yes, sometimes it is about control, and maybe sometimes its not. Maybe in her situation its NOT about control for him, and maybe it wasn't for his family as well. I read the link I had mentioned earlier about googling, and it did say that sometimes abusers are not even aware that what they are saying is not good. They also don't acknowledge what it is they think they are not doing wrong, because in their eyes what theya re doing is acceptable. Maybe he is trying to end the fight and win.. therefore no more fighting needed..( that is about control, but it is a defense mechanism not an offense ). So you might be right about it being about control.. but it is still a bit different than a true abuser.. The abuser takes an offensive stance with his victim and someone using power and control to defend themselves is taking a defensive position. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Maybe he is trying to end the fight and win.. therefore no more fighting needed..( that is about control, but it is a defense mechanism not an offense ). So you might be right about it being about control.. but it is still a bit different than a true abuser.. The abuser takes an offensive stance with his victim and someone using power and control to defend themselves is taking a defensive position. True. I think too, an abusive person (words/actions) comes from fear. I have heard they have alot of fear. But they put on a tough exterior to throw people off about what it is they are really feeling inside. I would imagine the fear can be about anything. Only that person truly knows what it is they fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Have a look and the power and control wheel for domestic violence http://www.dvic.org/Power-and-Control-Wheel.php Maybe if she sees more traits than this name calling then maybe he has other issues and needs more help I love this wheel by the way.. if has put more than one or 2 things in line for me when I was married to an abuser Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I have seen that wheel before. It was a great idea to put that on here too A_C! It shows how things could esculate from one form of abuse to another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedaboutmylove Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 wow, thanks guys... the wheel is good... he doesn't fit 2 boxes, only 1... there is a lot of nasty things people can do to each other, huh? I also did google verbally abusive people last night and spent about 2 hours researching it... I think that my H is definitely a verbal abuser at times... along with sweating the small stuff, and being a controller about how the house "should" look... so we have issues to sort through. I couldn't sleep after that... my head was reeling! I'm going to a councellor by myself on Monday to help me sort out an appropriate response to all of this... lots of information... it would be easier to ignore it all, but time to address these issues that have gone underground for way too long. Marriage councelling in next on the list, and he had already agreed that we should do it, so that is a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I'm going to a councellor by myself on Monday to help me sort out an appropriate response to all of this... Good for you.. You seem like a nice, and concerned woman who really has herself focused properly.. Drop in and let us know how things pan out.. Here's to it getting all cleared up and worked out Link to post Share on other sites
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