LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 why does it matter what specifically they did? Missionary, oral or swinging from trees - it's all the same basic cheating and deception. True, but knowing the details isn't just a basic curiosity - its a way for the BS to 'own' those details, and take something you perceive as the OW/OM thinking of as 'special' and make it into something that is not special - to get validation that your WS sees the OW/OM and the sex act with them as something to be ashamed of, and not something that he/she secretly harbors and longs for. Not protected. A 'special private moment' becomes a naked shameful experience. The BS gets every single detail, and sees her WS react to his/her reaction to it and those acts become associated with pain. With the infliction of pain. With shame. With disgust. When you expose a sexual act in a shameful and apologetic context, that act no longer holds erotic appeal. It becomes a mistake. Something you regret, not something you protect and cherish. It is a way to know that your WS is willing and able to betray the OW/OM's privacy - some way to have the satisfaction that there is nothing they did that he holds dear. Only things he wished he had never done. Some BS's want to know the details also, because they tend to compare themselves to the OW/OM and want to know stuff like 'was her body better', 'is his d*ck bigger than mine', 'did her pussy taste better than mine' - really graphic stuff, but you want to know anyway in order to make some sense out of why WS would do that.
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I know each situation and person is different, but you touched on the part I don't understand. If the hard part was knowing he'd been with someone else (as it was for me, also) why does it matter what specifically they did? Missionary, oral or swinging from trees - it's all the same basic cheating and deception. Once I knew she'd cheated, the how, when and where became unimportant. I guess we're all different... Mr. Lucky Well, in my case, my H insulted me, to my face. The OW was prettier,nicer,better in the sack, you get my meaning. He told me these things on dday. He shouldn't have, because I knew them to be untrue. So, when we decided to work it out, I expected him to tell me the truth of their relationship. prove his words, so to speak. That's why it took him so long to get to the truth. He knew when he'd said thosae awful things to me on dday, they weren't true and he tried to mask it. You'd think he'd have been eager to come clean, but that's a man's reasoning for ya.
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 True, but knowing the details isn't just a basic curiosity - its a way for the BS to 'own' those details, and take something you perceive as the OW/OM thinking of as 'special' and make it into something that is not special - to get validation that your WS sees the OW/OM and the sex act with them as something to be ashamed of, and not something that he/she secretly harbors and longs for. Not protected. A 'special private moment' becomes a naked shameful experience. The BS gets every single detail, and sees her WS react to his/her reaction to it and those acts become associated with pain. With the infliction of pain. With shame. With disgust. When you expose a sexual act in a shameful and apologetic context, that act no longer holds erotic appeal. It becomes a mistake. Something you regret, not something you protect and cherish. It is a way to know that your WS is willing and able to betray the OW/OM's privacy - some way to have the satisfaction that there is nothing they did that he holds dear. Only things he wished he had never done. Some BS's want to know the details also, because they tend to compare themselves to the OW/OM and want to know stuff like 'was her body better', 'is his d*ck bigger than mine', 'did her pussy taste better than mine' - really graphic stuff, but you want to know anyway in order to make some sense out of why WS would do that. So true! So true! To all of the above.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Some BS's want to know the details also, because they tend to compare themselves to the OW/OM and want to know stuff like 'was her body better', 'is his d*ck bigger than mine', 'did her pussy taste better than mine' - really graphic stuff, but you want to know anyway in order to make some sense out of why WS would do that. Sad to say, but LB is pretty spot on w/ this.. For myself and many others that I have talked to.. The need for these types of details is mainly due to the fact that a newly BS feels/believes that they must have been lacking in some area for a WS to cheat. Which for alot there was nothing lacking. However, when a BS first learns of this, I have to say this, but most of us do not focus on the emotional side of the situation. We almost always go for the sex.. We feel we(BS) must have been lacking or failing in some- way. And they are hoping that hearing these things won't make them feel that way anymore..And it also gives them something to immediately latch onto to work on.. Working on a new sexual position is much easier than delving deep down into emotions, communication methods,, and all those other really painful areas that have to be discussed after an A.
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I have set that part of my life, for the most part, behind me, but reading it here just really makes me feel sad, not for myself alone, but most of all for anyone who's gone through this or is currently. No one. No one should be made to feel this way.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I have set that part of my life, for the most part, behind me, but reading it here just really makes me feel sad, not for myself alone, but most of all for anyone who's gone through this or is currently. No one. No one should be made to feel this way. I think for those of us who are a few years out from the hell known as infidelity, can still see and feel the pain (even if they are just words on a screen) that people go through. We remember that feeling of being completely lost, completely alone, and re-thinking everything we've ever known about our partners and ourselves. Especially re-thinking ourselves, that one sucked beyond measure.
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I think for those of us who are a few years out from the hell known as infidelity, can still see and feel the pain (even if they are just words on a screen) that people go through. We remember that feeling of being completely lost, completely alone, and re-thinking everything we've ever known about our partners and ourselves. Especially re-thinking ourselves, that one sucked beyond measure. Yes, yes, and yes again. I can even now, talk to my H, and tell him that the one thing I regret was asking him to come home, being the one to show first that I wanted the M to continue. Since he had been the one to cheat, I now feel like I gave him the get out of jail free card. Like when I asked him to stay and work it out that it let him get away with it. Does that sound weird?
reboot Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I now feel like I gave him the get out of jail free card. Like when I asked him to stay and work it out that it let him get away with it. Does that sound weird?No, from what I've read, it's quite common for a BS to feel that way. Just another hurdle to overcome I guess.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Yes, yes, and yes again. I can even now, talk to my H, and tell him that the one thing I regret was asking him to come home, being the one to show first that I wanted the M to continue. Since he had been the one to cheat, I now feel like I gave him the get out of jail free card. Like when I asked him to stay and work it out that it let him get away with it. Does that sound weird? Nope not weird at all.. I understand that regret.. I personally wasn't the one who first wanted my M to continue.. HOWEVER,, the total regret of looking back and realizing all the things I could have handled differently, boy some of those do haunt me at times. Mostly things that I said to H. Some were, well, I'm sure you can imagine:o.
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 No need to imagine. I've said them because I was the one to ask him to stay and try to work out the M. I am very happy to say, that he's proved himself to have regretted the A. I don't hardly mention the xOW's name because of the look on his face when her name is brought up. You can tell he regrets having her in his life, even if only for a few months.
BHBV66 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I think wanting to know is a normal reaction. I wanted to know too, and I got every excruciating detail. Why did I want it? I think it is some need to take away the private nature of the act, and thereby take any sense of 'specialness' away from it. I think that when a WS hides details, the BS assumes it is because they are somehow special or sacred to him. If he is forthcoming with the details, even the most intimate ones - then that sense of the act being somehow sacred and worthy of protection - disappears. There is nothing special about an act that is laid bare, exposed, analyzed, and recognized as nothing more than a shameful, regretful and disruptive act. Exposure of details = 'breaking the spell' in a nutshell, I guess. Sorry for the sideline, as a newbie here, I'm not too familiar w/ some of the terms H = Husband W = Wife BS = ??? (I know it's not B... Sh..) WS = ??? Please help?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Sorry for the sideline, as a newbie here, I'm not too familiar w/ some of the terms H = Husband W = Wife BS = ??? (I know it's not B... Sh..) WS = ??? Please help? BS = 'betrayed spouse' WS = 'wayward spouse' OW = 'other woman' OM = 'other man'
reboot Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Sorry for the sideline, as a newbie here, I'm not too familiar w/ some of the terms H = Husband W = Wife BS = ??? (I know it's not B... Sh..) WS = ??? Please help? BS = Betrayed Spouse WS = Wayward Spouse http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 No need to imagine. I've said them because I was the one to ask him to stay and try to work out the M. I am very happy to say, that he's proved himself to have regretted the A. I don't hardly mention the xOW's name because of the look on his face when her name is brought up. You can tell he regrets having her in his life, even if only for a few months. I don't think I've actually said OW's name out loud in a couple of years, if I think about it... If H hadn't demonstrated, from day 1 is regret and remorse, I don't know if we would be together today.. But hey, even though he came home and confessed the very night he had sex w/OW, it still took him 1yr to get back in the house..
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Yes, a good friend of mine had started D proceedings and found out her H had had an A. He decided he wanted to work the M out, after my friend found out about the A, and she backed out of the D proceedings and they are still M today. The only time xOW's name is brought up, sometimes not even then, is when H talks about one of his coworkers, who is related to her. I then might make a joking comment, because H's coworker and xOW resemble, if "coworker" still looks like xOW to him. He then gets that look on his face, lol, and we go on with something else to talk about.
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