hurtonceagain Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 How much can I really ask WH? Part of me wants to know the sexual details of what they did. Mostly to find out if it was things I wouldn't do with him. I'm wondering how many of you asked detailed questions about the sexual acts and whether you wished you had or not.
reboot Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 You should ask, and he should be willing to tell you (assuming you're trying to save the marriage), whatever you need to know. It's up to you how much you need to know. Some people need every detail, some don't.
Author hurtonceagain Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 details can be very excruciating though and I keep finding out lies and just told him I want to separate because of that and he feels I pushed him into lying. but I really don't want to separate I just can't keep being a victim
reboot Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 You do need to find out enough to know where the lies start and stop. At the very least you probably need to know when it started and how long it lasted. If he intends to fix your marriage, he needs to be an open book from now on. You need to be able to ask him anything and get an honest answer. You need to be able to check up on where he's at at any time. You should be able to check his email, his cell phone, whatever. Words are great but they're just words. He's the one that destroyed your trust, and if he wants it back (and there's not a marriage without trust), he has to show he can be trusted. He can't just say it, he has to live it. If he's not willing to do these things, you should consider moving on. Good luck.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 details can be very excruciating though and I keep finding out lies and just told him I want to separate because of that and he feels I pushed him into lying. but I really don't want to separate I just can't keep being a victim If he is trying to flip that back on you... maybe he isnt worth the effort!
OpenBook Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 details can be very excruciating though and I keep finding out lies and just told him I want to separate because of that and he feels I pushed him into lying. Boy does that sound familiar to me!! Even when I was breaking up with my exH, he kept lying to me. That was the reason why I could not go through with the reconciliation we attempted. IMO, reboot is right - honesty is IMPERATIVE from your H in order to continue the marriage. If he cannot achieve this on his own, it's best to have an objective soul (like a MC, or separate IC's) listening to both sides and guiding you both toward the "light."
Integra Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 The Devil is in the details. The first thing you need to do, for you own sanity, is be aware of how much and what kind of details you want. Some people can handle more detail than others. Only you know what you can mentally and emtionally handle. Once that box (much like Pandora's) has been opened, there is NO forgetting what you learn. If you are trying to R. Then your H must be completely honest. Sometimes it will be brutally honest depending on the questions. But the honesty is a must. Nobody completely R's w/out it. Sorry, can't be done. Your H's honesty is the keystone for building a new foundation for your relationship.. Notice I said "new foundation", well that's because the old one has crumbled. It will take much hard work and determination on both of your parts to rebuild. But it can be done.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 If you want the details, you are entitled to ask and he is ENTITLED to share it with you. All of it. Every minute detail. However, you need to understand that it may be very difficult for him to be forthright with you verbally as he will, in his man's mind, think he's being "noble" by sparing you the lurid details. You may find it easier to ask him to give you a written confession of everything he did. Then read it, once, thoroughly, then destroy it together. Do NOT go back and read it again and again. Read it once and then the two of you burn the letter together. Have him hand write it out. This is a very effective means of starting the "putting it behind you" process.
smartgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I agree that he should give you every detail you ask for. However, think carefully what answers you really want. I had weak moments where I wanted to know all the sex details - where, how, how often, etc. You should be asking for answers that enlighten in some way. So maybe the sex questions will do that for you if that has been an issue in your marriage?
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 If you feel you need to know, then ask him. I hope he is honest with you about everything. Even if it makes HIM uncomfortable, or if he is scared to tell you more incase he hurts you more, make him understand that you need to know. Sorry for your pain.
mopar crazy Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I'm so very sorry for you pain. As for asking, I agree w/ the other posters. Your WH should be willing to talk about it if you feel you need to know the answers. Some BS don't want to know the details about the sex, but I was one that wanted to know. I wanted to know if she was good, what she did that I didn't, what he liked, what he didn't like, blah, blah, blah. Yes, it DID hurt like hell to hear one of his answers but I asked and I told him I wanted the truth. Asking the ? never helped me heal or heal any faster. All it did was give me the answers that I was I was curious about.
Integra Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I'm so very sorry for you pain. As for asking, I agree w/ the other posters. Your WH should be willing to talk about it if you feel you need to know the answers. Some BS don't want to know the details about the sex, but I was one that wanted to know. I wanted to know if she was good, what she did that I didn't, what he liked, what he didn't like, blah, blah, blah. Yes, it DID hurt like hell to hear one of his answers but I asked and I told him I wanted the truth. Asking the ? never helped me heal or heal any faster. All it did was give me the answers that I was I was curious about. The ?'s I asked didn't help me heal any either. They just answered the question. And boy, my H was brutally honest about somethings. Most of the time, when my question was answered, all it did was make me have 5 more questions. Each answer lead to more questions until I just finally couldn't ask anymore. And yes, it HURT, it hurt to have the ?'s and it hurt having the answers.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 How much can I really ask WH? Part of me wants to know the sexual details of what they did. So that you can...do what? Understand why he cheated? The answer is that there isn't a physical answer or specific reason. You'd be better off asking him how he felt rather than what they did. As a BS, just my opinion... Mr. Lucky
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I think wanting to know is a normal reaction. I wanted to know too, and I got every excruciating detail. Why did I want it? I think it is some need to take away the private nature of the act, and thereby take any sense of 'specialness' away from it. I think that when a WS hides details, the BS assumes it is because they are somehow special or sacred to him. If he is forthcoming with the details, even the most intimate ones - then that sense of the act being somehow sacred and worthy of protection - disappears. There is nothing special about an act that is laid bare, exposed, analyzed, and recognized as nothing more than a shameful, regretful and disruptive act. Exposure of details = 'breaking the spell' in a nutshell, I guess.
Faith4u Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I will not be interested to hear details. For what? You can ask him about what you can both do to improve your sexual pleasures. Show him that you want a change too yourself. If you really want to know what they did, he can write it to you and that keeps both of you in a more comfortable place. It is also more objective and less emotions are involved. My opinion...
RecoverMe Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Details are important to some, but then there is an insatiability that maybe you haven't heard it all, and only you can decide when you've gotten enough wind of all the dirty deeds. I needed to know all, and I have to say I don't know whether it helped me heal more or not, but I just knew it was necessary. I guess the problem with some is the obsessing about the "visuals" you can get at any given time, on any given day, about those details. But then the burning need to "know all" can also cripple you. Either way, it sucks, but I think honesty is the best thing and sooooooooo important if you plan on working it out and saving the marriage. your call, not his. sorry for what you have to go through, nonetheless.
SarahBeth04 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 From both perspectives as a cheater and as the one cheated on, I dont think you really want these details. JMHO. Really, really think about it before you get all of the sordid details. Mental pictures are a lot to handle and you will always have them in the back of your mind.
reboot Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 From both perspectives as a cheater and as the one cheated on, I dont think you really want these details. JMHO. Really, really think about it before you get all of the sordid details. Mental pictures are a lot to handle and you will always have them in the back of your mind.You have the mental pictures even without getting details.
sarme Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 To each their own on how much details one needs but let me just say that the need for "details" is a morbid obsession with curiosity about another's private thoughts. I can understand that you might have questions, and as someone else said asking about feelings would seem a lot healthier than asking for gory details that are just not going to help. Your H doesn't owe every single detail of truth and he probably won't share with you every single detail of truth even if he delivers something. It's like asking a current partner "so who is better in bed me or your last partner?" what person in their right mind would answer that honestly if they care abou their current partner's feelings and if they could spare them a bad moment? Most people would tell a white lie if their last partner was better, because what matters is not who is better but rather who is there in the now, in the present. I tend to see this in women mostly, that obsess in knowing things about men that they are just not entitled to know. sorry but yes he did cheat but he doesn't have to answer that honestly if he wants to avoid a bad time. The bottom line is we cannot know what a person thinks 100%, even if we ask them they don't have to be 100% honest with us. It's the right we all have to our own private thoughts, and guess what if he wants you to have a lie you will have lie. So where exactly does it get you asking for so many gory details? And even if he answers truthfully how is it going to help you to know what their sexlife was about when you are just missing the elephant in the room? They had an A what more do you need to know? Focus on the why's your H really felt compelled to introduce a third party into your rel. what is happening to him that he needed to act out on this way. My partner's W wanted to know if we would go on and have children together, and he told her he was not sure, even though we have discussed that many times and we will have children. I agree with his decission to not be so explicit about what we discussed and what we wanted, why even cause someone more pain? So he did the PC thing and told her he wasn't sure, even though he was. If they don't want to they won't give you the truth so why bother?
Havn_a_life Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 The ?'s I asked didn't help me heal any either. They just answered the question. And boy, my H was brutally honest about somethings. Most of the time, when my question was answered, all it did was make me have 5 more questions. Each answer lead to more questions until I just finally couldn't ask anymore. And yes, it HURT, it hurt to have the ?'s and it hurt having the answers. Same here Integra & Mopar. I had to know every detail, and yes, my H was very slow about coming clean comepletely. It took several yrs into it for him to. He at first made out like it was really a great sex ride, then as he got through it all, over the months, he said that it hadn't been all that. That in fact, the main thing was oral, and he didn't have to do anything. She liked to be in control, whether giving him oral or getting ontop. This was no big deal to me, sexually, but had to deal with knowing he had been with someone else after 10+ yrs of M was hard. It's over 5 yrs now and doesn't bother me as much, if any. He knows she was a gold digging tramp, as her lifestlye proved some yrs after the A ended. I think it just depends on the BS. It is the cheater's responsibility, if they have remorse and regret over the A, to answer the BS truthfully, even if it's embarrassing. It wasn't embarrassing having sex with the OP.
Havn_a_life Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I think wanting to know is a normal reaction. I wanted to know too, and I got every excruciating detail. Why did I want it? I think it is some need to take away the private nature of the act, and thereby take any sense of 'specialness' away from it. I think that when a WS hides details, the BS assumes it is because they are somehow special or sacred to him. If he is forthcoming with the details, even the most intimate ones - then that sense of the act being somehow sacred and worthy of protection - disappears. There is nothing special about an act that is laid bare, exposed, analyzed, and recognized as nothing more than a shameful, regretful and disruptive act. Exposure of details = 'breaking the spell' in a nutshell, I guess. You hit the nail on the head! Exactly! perfect answer!
Havn_a_life Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Details make the pictures so much worse. From experience, when I finally got the details, it was as if I made a mountain out of a mole hill. The xOW wasn't any better than me in the sack, and she definitely wasn't a good person or human being. But, then, that's not the subject we're discussing here.
Integra Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 From experience, when I finally got the details, it was as if I made a mountain out of a mole hill. The xOW wasn't any better than me in the sack, and she definitely wasn't a good person or human being. But, then, that's not the subject we're discussing here. My imagination was also far worse than reality... The actual sex was far worse in my mind than in reality... The hardest part for me, was hearing all flirting and (got to be honest here) the flat out raunchy talk that passsed between H & OW that lead up to the sex.. P.S. I've got nothing against good ol' dirty talk.. However I do have a prob w/ someone tellin my H all the ways they can F%^* them in the a**.. But hey, that's just me.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I had to know every detail, and yes, my H was very slow about coming clean comepletely. It took several yrs into it for him to. He at first made out like it was really a great sex ride, then as he got through it all, over the months, he said that it hadn't been all that. That in fact, the main thing was oral, and he didn't have to do anything. She liked to be in control, whether giving him oral or getting ontop. This was no big deal to me, sexually, but had to deal with knowing he had been with someone else after 10+ yrs of M was hard. I know each situation and person is different, but you touched on the part I don't understand. If the hard part was knowing he'd been with someone else (as it was for me, also) why does it matter what specifically they did? Missionary, oral or swinging from trees - it's all the same basic cheating and deception. Once I knew she'd cheated, the how, when and where became unimportant. I guess we're all different... Mr. Lucky
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