Nc????

[baby-boo]

I'm guessing this means no contact?

 

Well.. me and my boyfriend had split up a cuple of times before this... and each time i rang him contstantly begging for him back for a day or so... and then we'd end up getting bak together...

 

this time... it was a proper break up. Not after and arguemnt together.. a proper sit down, talk it through (or even him telling me why im finished) break up...

 

I've made no contact is the right thing to do? Is this... the right thing to do to get over him? or the right thing to do, to give him space.. to sort out his feelings?

 

We finished 3 days ago and i have not contacted him atall... am i doing the right thing... cos i desperatly want to ring him... and ask for another chance...

 

please wb

[MattyTee]

It does indeed mean no contact (it takes a while to get used to all the acronyms - I'm new-ish too!).

 

From what I've read the principle behind no contact is this: It is about giving yourself time to heal and move on with life. That time can be vitally important in letting you rebuild your strength, work on becoming happier and to take a step back and look at the relationship - with a little distance from all the emotion. The other benefit it has is that it lets the other person take a step back from the relationship, they get space they need to examine their feelings and work out what they want from life (it seems often the "dumpers" are as confused as the "dumpees"). In some cases this might mean that they realise they miss you or that it was a mistake - but I've not seen many of those stories around to be honest.

 

It has been 2 months since my fiance left now and I decided that I would be there for her as a friend instead of going NC. It didn't work for me because every time I got contact I would go nuts trying to work out what it meant (i.e. it was a tiny bit flirty, so does that mean I have a chance).

 

I'm not sure if everyone would agree but something I am going to do is make my feelings very clear to her and then back off and give her the space she needs. If she decides that she wants to be with me in the future, well then I'll take that hurdle if it comes. As for asking for another chance ... I'm not sure I've been wanting to do that for two months

[NorCalDave]

Why ask for another chance? So he can break up with you for the 3rd time?

I went through this with my ex and you really need to step away and make him miss you if you are to have any chance of getting back together.

No contact hurts, and it's lousy, and you miss them, but it works in accomplishing what you want.

You want them to miss you and wonder about you.

You want to slowly get over them and be happy by yourself, right?

 

I tried being friends with my ex too, at her request, but it didn't work for me.

Every flirt she would make with me I would build it up wayy too much in my head and I was always hoping to get back together.

I gave her wayy too much power and I became a doormat.

You know what happened?

I told her I wanted to get back together, I scared her off from our friendship, and we haven't spoken in 2 months.

No contact baby.

It's hard, every day I want to talk to and see her.

But if she doesn't want me like I want her, it will only make it hurt more to see her.

So now, my stance is to go NC, allow myself to slowly disconnect, heal, and enjoy life by myself, but ALSO, allow her to miss me and wonder what I'm doing.

We got back together for the 2nd time a year ago because I had gone NC for 7 months, and when we ran into each other again, enough time had passed so that we weren't bitter at each other anymore, and it just felt alot healthier and easier to get back in touch, knowing that no one had been pining, begging or pleading. We had let each other go, and we eventually came back together.

That could happen again, but odds are, it won't.

So, regardless, NC is the only way to go, even though I found out she's living basically down the street from me now.

Do you have any idea how bad I want to stop by and say hi?

But all that would do is show her I haven't moved on, and for some reason I think she is more attracted to what she can't have, and to whatever is not chasing her around.

[Sanslatete]

Why ask for another chance? So he can break up with you for the 3rd time?

Do you have any idea how bad I want to stop by and say hi?

But all that would do is show her I haven't moved on, and for some reason I think she is more attracted to what she can't have, and to whatever is not chasing her around.

 

Yes, I can appreciate how much you want to contact her! I want to do the same so badly, but like you say, it's more attractive to want what you can't have, and being a doormat isn't attractive. She's always in my thoughts, my dreams and many other aspects of my life, whether I want it to be that way or not. Six and a half years is a sizeable chunk of anyone's life and it's hard to think about anything and not bring some of the past in. So the NC is mandatory for my sanity now. I'm only into my first week and it hurts like a bastard to resist the urges. She was so much a part of my life it's very much like getting over an addiction. The pain and withdrawal is no less agonising I figure, and it's all done without sedatives.

[NorCalDave]

Yes, I can appreciate how much you want to contact her! I want to do the same so badly, but like you say, it's more attractive to want what you can't have, and being a doormat isn't attractive. She's always in my thoughts, my dreams and many other aspects of my life, whether I want it to be that way or not. Six and a half years is a sizeable chunk of anyone's life and it's hard to think about anything and not bring some of the past in. So the NC is mandatory for my sanity now. I'm only into my first week and it hurts like a bastard to resist the urges. She was so much a part of my life it's very much like getting over an addiction. The pain and withdrawal is no less agonising I figure, and it's all done without sedatives.

 

 

Man, I know how you feel.

I feel for you. It does feel EXACTLY like an addiction.

When I think about what I want to accomplish with her, I then can formulate my plan of action.

I want her to want me again, basically.

The only way that's gonna happen is time needs to go by, I need to improve my life, my happiness, and my finances.

When I get to that point, she may come back to me.

But there's no way in hell she'll come back to me now, with only a couple months having gone by.....no no no, I need her to miss me, I need to have things remind her of me...I need her to date a couple sleazeballs so she can appreciate me...I need all that to happen if she's to change how she feels about me.

So, logically thinking this way, how can I logically NOT go no contact and ever hope that she comes back?

Like I said, she came back to me already because I let her go completley for 7 months.

AND, I noticed she wanted her other ex back simply because he wasn't calling and wasn't interested in getting back together, and I was totally available and always there for her, so of course she didn't want ME!

What I remember about her, and other girls I've known though, is that they seem to think about and gravitate back towards guys who aren't calling them anymore, men that aren't interested anymore.

[Sanslatete]

I was told (in an e-mail) that she had loved me dearly but she couldn't go back. I took that as a **** off really and don't expect to get back with her. I'm in two minds over it really, I wanted the relationship to last. I didn't have any problems with who she was or whatever, it's all in my other posts. She was beautiful to me...etc and I so wanted to keep her. But things that happened over the summer let me into a whole other side of her that I hadn't been aware of. Like I've said previously, she was kind and sweet, and very (I thought) vulnerable. But she crushed me into dust by doing stuff that she knew would hurt me immensely. She knew how much I loved her and she still did it. That makes me question whether it would work again, after she sided with some flake and conspired behind my back. What's more, she underestimated me a lot and probably didn't think I'd recover. I'm still in love with her at some level, but.....some things are hard to forgive, let alone forget.

[NorCalDave]

I was told (in an e-mail) that she had loved me dearly but she couldn't go back. I took that as a **** off really and don't expect to get back with her. I'm in two minds over it really, I wanted the relationship to last. I didn't have any problems with who she was or whatever, it's all in my other posts. She was beautiful to me...etc and I so wanted to keep her. But things that happened over the summer let me into a whole other side of her that I hadn't been aware of. Like I've said previously, she was kind and sweet, and very (I thought) vulnerable. But she crushed me into dust by doing stuff that she knew would hurt me immensely. She knew how much I loved her and she still did it. That makes me question whether it would work again, after she sided with some flake and conspired behind my back. What's more, she underestimated me a lot and probably didn't think I'd recover. I'm still in love with her at some level, but.....some things are hard to forgive, let alone forget.

 

 

We're in the same boat brother. She did some things to me this summer that showed her true character too.

She may not be the woman I thought she was, but what can I say, I still love the woman.

I have no idea how I am not calling her every other day. Pat on the back to me.

[Sanslatete]

BIG pat on the back to us both. I don't know how we cope...but somehow we do. Even all this post stuff is hard because it makes me think of things to write. I would never have thought I'd be on here this time last year. We were still 'bonded' and I can picture her as I imagine back then, it's so sad. It went bad very quickly.

[SunnyLady]

Sansaslette, i would really like to know your story. I thought i was the only one who could thru so much pain, but you sound like you have been through a lot.

 

Now in relation to the question, NC is the best way foward..TRUST ME. I will give you 2 instances...

 

The 1st was with my boyf of 2over 2 years. When we broke up, i would still call and call, i wanted to be his freind..i didnt want to let go. I only postponed the pain, cos one day he simply was not interested in talking to me AT ALL!. so BAM...i had to go NC by force cos i had no choice, and believe me by 4 months i was doing well, i wasnt having dreams about him anymore and waking up being depressed. sure i thought about him but i was FINE. hE THEN CALLED me and since then has been wanting to get back...now i stil have feelings for him, but not anythin strong and i am definitely not going back to him.

 

Another expereience has to do with another ex. The problem with this one was that we were good friends b4 we got togther. so wen he abruptly ended it, he called me the day after and we talked a lot etc. Oh boy, it drew me back cos i kept on acting on every tiny word he said. I kept on analysing and anaylysin.g About 2 months after the split, I discreetly made reference about us getting back togther..and u know wat he said..'NO'. This was on msn..so i turned the tables round and acted like i was not the one who suggested it..in other words i acted like the person who was chatting to him via msn was a friend of mine.lolll.

 

Anywayyy.....from the onwards i relaised that talking to him only made me worse. I needed a CLEAN break. So, i took one..and did not contact him..during this period some other guy fancied me..nothing serious, but he kinda took my mind away from this ex.

About 4 months after, i went to this party and my ex was there. I looked really gorg and he told me. Within the next month, he was trying to reconcile!! You know what i did? I even accepeted his invitation to go and stay in his place over the weekend..when i did i tortured him mentally, cos i refused to get initmate with him.lol.

He made so many tries, wanted to talk, wanted to hang out, wanted me to visit so we could reconcile but i was not interested.

I know they dont always come back, but my point is anytime i decided to go NC with the exes, it worked in my favour, It did not automatically bring them back, but it did with time and when they did come back i was very very fine without them.

 

 

so NC has kind of like a double effect. It makes you move on, and it could also make the exes miss you and want to give it a try after some time.

PLS..dont us NC as a way of wining him back, cos then if he doesnt come back, the whole purpose would be undermined. What i mean is for eg, dont call him after 3 months of NC wanting to get bck. sometimes these ppl have to get the freedom they want.

 

finally, guys i just realised that break ups happen all the time. You will get through it, trust me. i haven been in the pits..and i am currently going through a break up myself...i have cut all contact, not that he contatcs me which makes me feel worthless, but i dont contact him anyway..althoug he is still my freind on facebook:-s...should i remove him??

 

Anyway just keep your head up and NC NC NC!!!STAY BLESSES..WE ARE HERE FOR UXX

[sedgwick]

NC is definitely the way to go. My ex broke up with me on July 16, and we spoke twice after that. The first time he was very sweet and made it sound like reconciliation was a possibility. The second time he was a total jerk and negated everything he said the first time. Both times I hung up crying. After the second time, I went totally NC (this was Aug 28.) I'm currently in Mexico (we live in NYC, but he's on tour and will be away until I come back) and I'm sitting up at 6 am because I was thinking about him and couldn't sleep. But I've blocked his email addresses and phone number because if he doesn't want me in his life, I don't want to chase him. I don't know if I'll unblock it when I get back home or not. He left me because I'm not a musician -- that was seriously the one and only reason he gave. Honestly, I regret having spoken to him at all since he dumped me. I mean, if everything else was going well -- which it was -- and he couldn't be with me because I don't have THE EXACT SAME CAREER as he does (the best part? I'm a dancer and collaborate with musicians all the time, but that's not close enough for him, I guess), then that points to his own issues, not my shortcomings.

 

I loved this guy with everything in me. Still do. And I told him that I loved him for exactly who he was, I loved him unconditionally, and he said nobody had ever told him that before. So there ya go. It's no contact time now, until he realizes what he lost. And if he never realizes it, I can't do anything to change that. The one thing I know for sure is that when I've begged and pleaded for them to come back, I've never heard from them again. This one doesn't get that from me. As much as it hurts, I *will* walk away from this with my dignity intact.