Mixed signals - when will she call me her BF

[xfess]

I met this girl on an online personal over a month ago. We went on our 1st date over 2 weeks ago. Within that 1st week we went bowling, the movies, the zoo, shopping, watched movies at her house, and hung out in her backyard starring at the night sky together -> seems like a lot in a week I'd admit, but she and I both enjoyed it. After our 2nd date (@ the movies) we had our 1st kiss and got to 1st base as well. On the 3rd date (to the zoo) we were holding hands, she'd wrap her arms around my arm and rest her head on my shoulder, and for no reason just give me a big kiss. She told me later that night that she thought I was a dream and the best guy she's gone out with a while. 2 days later when I went to her house to watch movies, I gave her a single rose and she told me that I was the 1st guy to give her a rose since her 1st BF.

 

After that I may have rushed things a little too much and assumed we were a couple (read the 4th paragraph about me and you’ll know why). She felt a little freaked out about it and told me she just got out of a 3 year relationship and she's afraid of commitment at the moment. She told me that her ex "suffocated" her and she didn’t get to do a lot of things for herself so she needed some space. For a few days I worried that I was the rebound guy and I was just there to help her get over her ex and then she'd move on with someone else. I got over that anxiety and decided to "go with the flow".

 

My friend recommended not get too clingy with her, which would push her away. I want her to feel comfortable and let her hang out with her friends and enjoy herself...but I also want to spend time together alone as well. (I invited her out last night to a café for coffee and dessert but she asked if her best friend could come too, she asked if I didn’t mind – of course I didn’t but I would have preferred if it was us, because I haven’t seen her in over 9 days).

 

We're both 23 and I honestly have not been in a relationship in my 20’s (HS and College relationships were never serious to me), I’ve been on dates the past few months with girls but they only lasted 1 date. I never had feelings for them like I do with her (I know its infatuation and not love), we have a lot of things in common. We talk a lot to each other. I mean right now as I’m writing this she’s chatting with me on AIM from her office at work.

 

I would love to get some advice or tips from you folks as to how I should go about this??

- How long after being around with me do you think she’ll get over her ex and commit to me?

 

I’d greatly appreciate your help with my predicament…thanks

[oppath]

You need to give her 2-3 months to officially commit to you. Generally, people date for a month or two and are open to others, and often people like an additional month when they are not open to dating others before they are comfortable with a title. Just enjoy dating her. Enjoy her. Get to know her. Focus on compatibility, not chemistry, and truly get to know who she is. Don't talk about a relationship or anything for a solid 60 days. The worst thing you can do is pressure her in any way. Her not wanting a commitment doesn't mean she will be out flirting with other guys, it just means she needs time on her own, and time to get to know you.

 

You hardly know her!!!!!

[Lyssa]

How long after being around with me do you think she’ll get over her ex and commit to me?

 

That, my friend, is a tough question to answer! It takes a few months for some people, about 2 years for others. Maybe just few weeks or quite never? Really, I'm not kidding you. It took me almost 3 years to get over my EX. I was dating on and off during those 3 years but I can tell you this, if it was the right guy or girl, one can get over their EXes quite easily.

 

When I say 'right guy/girl', it means someone who isn't too pushy. Someone who takes the time to get to know that particular person they are interested in. Get to know everything about them. Take note of the small things. Give them some space for their alone time, family and friends time, you know? Don't rush it.

 

She's working on getting over her EX and she can only do that on her own time without anyone pushing or suffocating her.

[oppath]

I'd wait for her to express how she feels about you, and for her to ask you to be her BF. Lyssa has a good point too. Sometimes you can date someone for 1 week, and a year later, you aren't over them. Sometimes you date someone for 1 year, and it takes 1 week to get over them.

 

Often, what you are getting over is not the person, but the hopes and dreams. Meeting someone new who is good for you is typically the stone that kills that bird. It can take several years for some people.

[Rollo Tomassi]

I hate the term 'Mixed Signals'. More often than not there's nothing 'Mixed' being communicated and rather it's a failure to read what a woman is communicating. The average guy tends to 'get' exactly what a woman has implied with her words, but it takes practice to read her behavior and then apply it to his own. When a girl goes from hot to cold and back again, THIS IS the message - she's got buyers regret, you're not her first priority, she's deliberating between you and what she perceives is a better prospect, you were better looking when she was drunk, etc. - the message isn't the 'what ifs', the message IS her own hesitation and how her behavior manifests it. Men today need to learn that it's not a woman's words that count, but her behavior that belie her intent. The only reliable method to understand a woman is observing her actions.

 

Women with high interest level wont confuse you. When a woman wants to get with you she'll find a way to get with you. If she's fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It's when you patiently while away your time wondering what the magic formula is that'll bring her around that you lean over into her frame.

[Lyssa]

I'd wait for her to express how she feels about you, and for her to ask you to be her BF.

 

Okay, I agree with wait for her to express her feelings but... do you really think she would ask him to be her BF??

 

Do women actually do that?? I'm serious here... I've never come across one. For obvious reason that I'm a girl but I haven't asked a guy to be my BF. Neither any of my girlfriends.

 

I really liked my BF big time and I wanted him to be mine but I didn't ask him to... maybe cause I am afraid of rejections...

[oppath]

My last gf asked me. All my gf's have asked me. Though I have asked others too.

[xfess]

I don’t know if she'll ask me to be her BF, thought I would love her to say it - I always felt it was more of something you would say to someone in Junior or High school. I guess I'll know when she eventually says it: i.e. When I’m around like if she's on the phone w/ someone and says "I’m with my Boyfriend right now" or introduce me to a person as her BF. Eventually there will be a point where she'll feel comfortable to commit and say it. I just have to give it some time.

 

I know she likes hanging out with me because she talks to me online/phone on a regular and even invited me to her Halloween party later this month.

 

I don’t know who her ex is or what happened. I know she must have cared for him to stay that long or perhaps she was just young and naive and didn’t know what to do…..either way I just have to try my hardest to make her feel good and make her forget about him.

[oppath]

I know many women who would FREAK if a guy they were dating for 2 weeks asked to be their BF. Just wait!!!!!! Ask her once she starts telling you how she feels. I.E. "I adore you; I'm really happy to be dating you." etc. She might not ask you to be her bf, but she might hint around at exclusivity, etc. Wait at least 1 more month. You won't lose a girl by not asking for her commitment until you've dated 6 weeks. Absolutely not.

[Lyssa]

When I’m around like if she's on the phone w/ someone and says "I’m with my Boyfriend right now" or introduce me to a person as her BF. Eventually there will be a point where she'll feel comfortable to commit and say it. I just have to give it some time.

 

It could happen that way. Just don't freak out when she actually does it!!

 

I know she likes hanging out with me because she talks to me online/phone on a regular and even invited me to her Halloween party later this month.

 

Okay, that's good. Just enjoy the party.

 

I don’t know who her ex is or what happened. I know she must have cared for him to stay that long or perhaps she was just young and naive and didn’t know what to do…..either way I just have to try my hardest to make her feel good and make her forget about him.

 

She must have cared, yes. It's a good thing that you want her to feel good but don't try too hard. A girl can sense when a guy is trying too hard. It's not really flattering. Just my opinion.

[Rollo Tomassi]

I always felt it was more of something you would say to someone in Junior or High school.

 

This part you got right. At 23 you're still using an adolescent set of social skills because you haven't developed any adult ones. First off, you're both 23, she's in her "party years", not her "monogamy years." In fact you shouldn't even be considering monogamy until you're 28. Really, it's OK to go and enjoy yourself with her without turning it into "will you go steady with me" junior high school scheme. In fact, you need to ask yourself why you're so eager to put the handcuffs on yourself so soon.

[xfess]

*sigh* I hate to say it but....Rollo, you were right about her party years. she just said it to me a few minutes online. she wanted to go out and meet some guys. I just didnt want to hear it. I had a feeling she wanted to see other guys because I noticed she was still online on the online personals. but said it to me loud and clear......... I just dont know what to say. She knew I was getting a little attached and she kept leading me on..... It seemed really unfair to me.

[Kerewin]

She wasn't being fair. She certainly gave you lots of signals at first that said she wanted what you wanted. You're also right that it's infatuation, not love. Most of infatuation is insecurity--not knowing where you stand with someone. I'm in the same boat myself with the guy I was seeing, so I'm not going to say "get over her" or some ****e because I know that's easier said than done. BUT, I am getting out there and trying to date, and seeing my friends more often---even if my heart's not in it, it's good "batting practice" and better than waiting for the phone to ring. It's also a win-win, I think---either you'll meet someone great who appreciates you and what you have to offer, or your ex will realize that you're not immediately available to her and might find you that much more intriguing. One last thought tho--her telling you she wants to see other people via messenger is rather cruel and spineless. She gets to tell you what she wants without having to deal with your hurt feelings in any real way. Take care of yourself.

[Lance Taylor]

Xfess, dont be too hard on yourself. We've all been there. Just remember this the next time you start to have feelings for someone. If you appear needy, you most certainly push them away. Women are experts at spotting needy behavior. Even if you hesitated when she asked if her friend could come to get coffee, she knew.

 

You completely put the decision in her hands b/c you saw her as a person of higher value. Which inevitably makes you a person of lower value. Or as Rollo said "puts you in her frame". Girls want a challenge and you were not a challenge at all. Next time, dont let them know if you want to be committed or not, make them guess. Make them go online and ask "does he really like me?"

 

Now, just act like you agree about not getting serious (might be hard if youve already told her you wanted a commitment). Go to the party, bring friends (preferably girls), and just have fun around her. Girls want to get something out of a relationship. You were dependent on her to make you happy, instead of offering something to her. Just focus on being a person of value that has a lot to offer and has a lot of other options and expect no commitment in return. She will respond much better to this type of attitude.

[xfess]

Yea I felt it was heartless of her to just say that to me on IM - I had a feeling something was wrong from sunday. When I met her that night I tried to kiss her on the lips but she turned her head and just gave me a hug. Then at the end of the night when I walked her to her car I tried it again because I thought the 1st time she didnt want to in front of our friends (but why wouldnt she if she didnt like me), and she did it again so I kissed her on the cheek. When she IM'd me last night she apologized for doing that. I said it was ok I thought she didnt want me to do it in front of friends...then she got into the whole affraid of commitment -- then I asked her "but what about the kissing in the car? & the zoo?"-- and then she said "I want to be able to go out and date a guy without saying "oh I cant because I have a BF""".

She asked me if I understood - I did, and I knew I was going to expect it but, I tried to deny it & then she started FLIPPING OUT saying..... "I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO" and "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!!!".

 

I just felt that it was totally unfair of her to lead me on in the first week... she just kept texting me and IM'ing me and all the hanging out and saying that I was like a dream (and she even said that to me). And then all of a sudden she does a complete 180*... Not much I can do about it now.

 

I do have to go back to her house to get my DVD book that I lent her 2 weeks ago. Im not going to get angry about it, Im just going to say goodbye and I enjoyed hanging out with her. I want to walk out the better person and make her think "What have I done" because I understand what she's going through, but I want her to regret what she did to me.... because she's going to find / date guys who are complete *********s who treat her bad and then she will come to a realization that she threw away a great opportunity with me..... and maybe she will call me in the future... but will I be able to forgive and give her a 2nd chance..... that my friends is all up to fate.

 

I think im done ranting -- thanks for all your advice and tips. Hopefully I will meet another girl and be looking for more advice in the near future

[oppath]

You invested too much too soon, dude. Yes, she led you to invest, but you hardly knew her. 3-4 dates does not equal committment. If a girl is saying heavy things to you when she hardly knows you, that is a RED FLAG. Essentially, you invested far too much too soon with her. She didn't do anything wrong. Saying she likes you is consistent with not wanting commitment.

 

She'd be hypocritical and confusing if she were to become exclusive, and then break up with you claiming she wanted to be single and date around, but that you were the perfect guy and if she wanted a relationship, it would be with you.

 

To me, it sounds like she has been upfront about her feelings: she likes you and enjoys spending time with you, but she does not want a boyfriend. She wants to date around. Most people in their young 20's do need to do that following a LTR. Sucks to be you, but you hardly know her. You've only gone out a handful of times. You aren't in a relationship. She isn't leading you on.

[xfess]

I see your point oppath. Ive never been in her situation before, I can imagine being with a person for 3 years, and then this..... you want to go out and see whats availiable and not commit. She is also stressed out that she works a few jobs. Shes trying to be a teacher but has not been hired yet - so right now she's working as a secretary, a babysitter, and a tutor so that definately isnt helping out her social life.

 

unfortunately I dont have any friends who have been in that current predicament. One of my best friends has been with his GF for 7+ yrs and just got engaged, and my other friend was with a girl for 2 years (2 years ago) but has been single and not dating much since then.

 

I know I invested too much time with her that first week, but she never told me about her situation - and I have to take blame because I got way too attached. Ive been on a bunch of dates this year some lasting only a few days and they were with very beautiful girls and I was more physically attracted to them & when those dates ended I was fine. But I was more attracted by the many things I had in common with this girl: music, movies, traditions, and other stuff.

 

oh well. thats life. the wierd thing now is that while i was writing this she IM'd me to ask how I was doing and we chatted for a few minutes and of course there was some silence there. so I know she hasnt stopped talking to me...I know she does like me but she wants to see what else is out there as well........and maybe perhaps if she finds nothing out there and her life begins to straighten out a little bit, we can try it again....

[oppath]

I once dated a girl for nearly 3 months before learning about her situation -- the same as your girls -- the 3rd month she was gone on vacation but I heard NOTHING from her even though I sought clarification before she left, as in asking "I feel you are sending me some mixed signals, and I'd like to talk about them."

 

She comes back from vacation, I run into her and I'm pissed at her for not responding and pulling a fade-away. She didn't know what I was talking about. At that point, she told me about her previous bf. "I was essentially engaged." She told me "It would have felt weird to tell you." I really liked her, so I backed off, continuing to date her non-exclusively since she wanted to go out with other dudes.

 

It didn't work for me and I learned my lesson. Once I've invested in someone, they have about 2 weeks to want the same thing I want, then they are cut. If I'm dating looking for a relationship, and a girl is dating just to date to have that experience, I won't date them, because our goals are different. I also learned not to invest until I've dated someone several weeks, like 6-8 weeks. It took some heartbreak to get there.

 

Back WAY OFF. See her at most once a week. Talk to her every 5 days. If in the next 3-4 weeks she's not coming to you, just drop her. You are too invested in her for her level of investment in you.

[jophil28]

I

 

........and maybe perhaps if she finds nothing out there and her life begins to straighten out a little bit, we can try it again....

 

NO NO NO ! - this mindset puts you firmly in HER future control. IT indicates that you are prepared to wait for her to date around and, if she does not meet a BBD, then you are willing to take her back ( after her doing "who knows what" with other guys) .

You would then be the consolation prize !

WHat are you thinking ? ARe you are really prepared to let her 'bleep' around and then be the obedient chump whom she 'settles' for ?

YOu need to date other candidates NOW and get your head straight.

You are old enough to be a 'real man'. Start today..

[Rollo Tomassi]

At 23, why are you in such a rush to monogamy?

[xfess]

Main reason is because Ive never been in a relationship longer than a few weeks. I mean I have had longer relationships in Highschool than now but Ive never been able to experience the things you can do and share together when you're an adult compared to a teenager.

 

Hey everyone has their own thing. some people want relationships either long or short term. Some want to just go on date after date after date. and some people just go out to bars/clubs just to have one night stands.

 

To be honest now that I look at it.... I understand what you mean Rollo. Why would I want to give up the dates and one night stands? I got my 30's to worry about a LTR. I guess I have to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask myself what I really want.

[oppath]

Wanting a LTR is fine but you have to let it evolve ORGANICALLY. That means don't invest so much into a 2 week relationship that is causes you anxiety. Make the girl earn your affections first by her showing you she has value to you. That takes time.

[jophil28]

Wanting a LTR is fine but you have to let it evolve ORGANICALLY. That means don't invest so much into a 2 week relationship that is causes you anxiety. Make the girl earn your affections first by her showing you she has value to you. That takes time.

 

That is good advice...

 

Not many modern women today are fit for an LTR. They are too selfish, 'entitled' and immature.

You need to date a lot of candidates and weed out the users, losers amd abusers. It is a numbers game.

 

Hmmm - Might take a while.

[jophil28]

Oh - here is some FREE golden advice from a 'veteran'..

 

ONLY ever enter into an exclusive LTR with a woman who is more in love with you that you are with her.

 

Guys -write that on your fridge..

[xfess]

Wanting a LTR is fine but you have to let it evolve ORGANICALLY. That means don't invest so much into a 2 week relationship that is causes you anxiety. Make the girl earn your affections first by her showing you she has value to you. That takes time.

 

could you further elaborate on that for me??

 

The thing was that she was doing or planning more investment time with me then I was with her. During the first week she was planning all these things with me. She invited me to her halloween party and to go to a haunted house (this was asked to me during the 1st date), she wanted to go to the amusement park, and some other stuff this month. She even wanted me to sign up to the gym she goes to!!!!!

 

This is what who planned for that first week:

Friday: (1st date)- Bowling - I planned it

Sunday: Movie - I planned it

Wednesday: Zoo - she planned it

Thursday: Browsing for Halloween decorations. She calls me up and asked if I wanted to take a ride, I had nothing to do so I said yes

Friday: Dinner & watch movies at her house: I planned it

Then for a week I was in South Carolina when I came back I asked her out to coffee and dessert that sunday

 

and as I mentioned before - after sunday I thought she was done talking to me, but she still talks to me on AIM asking how my day was, etc. I reply back chat for a few minutes then I either say I have to go, or I just stop communicating with her. Right now Im exchanging emails w/ another girl I met on an online dating site so I kinda moved on. I know she still has some feelings for me but I wont go crazy this time until she tells me she wants to commit, but if Im with another girl then its "you snooze you lose" for her