janedoe123 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Hello. I have posted here quite a few times because I was down and wanted advice and needed somewhere to turn - actually in one of my postings I really felt like I had reached a new low. I want to say first of all that everyone out there that has a broken heart, or are looking for answers,advice or even someone to turn to - you're not alone! Breakups are so difficult, it really is as if someone has died in your life, because something that was once there, is gone. I didn't know where to post this but I figured this was the place. I am letting everyone out there know that things get better, and life moves on. I know I know, you've heard this before - but what I needed when I was going through a rough time was to have proof that these words weren't just 'words'. I hit low of all lows, i felt like my life was over and I was never going to find love and happiness again. One day out of no where I started to really think about what I wanted. After my breakup all I was doing was focusing on what HE wanted, what he was thinking, how he was feeling, whether he was going to come back or not. Once i started to focus on what I wanted, I realized that this was literally a stepping stone in life and that breakups happen all the time. Also I even started to realize that we were actually better off without each other. It was hard to admit to myself that I might actually be happier without him. I took it minute by minute and tried not to rush things but just to be honest with myself and my feelings. Really sit down after a breakup and think to yourself - did you have any doubts during the relationship? Were there ever little signs that made you think you shouldn't be together? I found that as the relationship was ending instead of listening to my head, I was too busy trying to hold on to something that wasn't even there anymore. Once I let go, I became less stressed - all the questions weren't racing through my head anymore (why hasn't he called, what do his emails/texts mean, what is he doing etc) and it was a nice change. I was still very upset, and to this day it still isn't easy all the time - but I am happy, really happy. A lot of people on this site talk about NC, and it all depends on the situation. I really believe in it, atleast for the first little bit because after a breakup it needs to be all about YOU. And the only way to focus on that, is to be by yourself. Think about it - if he/she comes back, then you will be strong, maybe even stronger then you were when you were together because you'll know what YOU want and what you deserve, and if he/she doesn't come back, chances are they are masking their emotions and not dealing with them so while you are slowly getting better, they are probably going in the oposite direction. I know some ppl will agree with what I am saying, and some won't - but my advice is just to REALLY listen to your gut. Really listen to what your head is saying then go with it. Chances are breaking up is really a blessing for you in disguise. I really believe everything happens for a reason and you can't mess with ur future so just let what happens, happen. Just an end to this, after I did all this, my ex came back, 100% which he has NEVER done in a year, it was always half-ass, we would try a bit but I could tell his heart was never in it. When he came back, of course the feelings were still there because I will always care for him, but I was smart enough after getting strong that I was able to turn and say no thank you, that I see a happier future without him. This doesn't happen often, so I don't want to give ppl false hope, what I'm saying is there will be many posibilities for you once you become strong and you can think with a clear head so remember that there is a world out there and you may not be able to control what someone wants or how they treat you but you CAN control YOUR life. I know I rambled on but I am honestly just trying to shed some light for some people. I really want to help if anyone needs advice, or to talk, then comment and I will respond, because that's what helped me. Read my threads and hopefully it will make everyone out there see that even though you may hit the lowest of lows, things WILL get better, and a hell of a lot better at that!
baby-boo Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 thank you for the post. Every one has told me tht it will get better etc.. ive jst really needed something to back those words up. My head tells me that what your saying is right... but my heart says its rong. True there are times ive doubted out relationship... if he loves me... but ive always loved him... he finished me and ive never been so low... It feels amazing knowing im not the only one... which is stupid... because obviosly im not the only one whos been heart broken. But the more i read from REAL people who have been through REAL heartbreak.. the safer i feel that i might actually make it though this. thnx
Author janedoe123 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 I read your post and you are DEFINITELY not alone. Also - it was not a mistake to go on the internet looking for answers, because I really feel in a time like breaking up all we are doing is trying to search for anwers, all the 'whys'. Why did it end? why doesn't he love me the way I love him? why no second chance? etc etc. Also it is normal to look for ppl to turn to, I actually recomend it because it is what helped me. I turned to my parents as weird as it seemed, they had fantastic advice and made me really see there is life out there that is passing by. Sometime just talking to someone will really help sort out your thoughts and give a bit of structure to your life again. Don't expect to be fine, because for a while, you won't be, just really hold on to the hope that it will get better. Another thing that helped me was by just making choices that had nothing to do with him. Write out a bunch of questions down then answer them - with your life like, 'am i happy with my job, where I live, school if you're in it, with ur body, do you want to work out more' and then if you aren't happy with some of these things, start to make a plan how to be happy with them without him. They are small things, but you will feel like you are accomplishing something more than just sitting around feeling sad. Make choices even if its just about what you want for dinner tonight, and it will make you stronger realizing that you are actually still in control if you let yourself. The best defence is a strong offense!
baby-boo Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 how long does it take? to start feeling like you can cope again? i didnt know i could hurt this much... and as much as i want him back... i cant live on the hope that he might change his mind... i really need to start feeling better in myself...
Bosiell Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Excellent post Jane I have to agree with all you have said. As difficult as it may seem at first, such an event can even be a blessing, it can open your eyes and your mind on what is more important than anything else iin your life, which is YOU. My recent heartbreak (only a month now) has left me realising that I must appreciate and respect myself so much more, and not rely on somone or something else for my happiness and security. Sure I still get tough days, today has been difficult. It is only human that at times you will doubt yourself. But I know I will be a better person for this. It many ways it has been the kick up the backside I needed. To take stock on my life values, to really see my inner self. Baby boo. It will take time, it will be very difficult. I too never realised anything could hurt so much. It is true when they say time heals all wounds. Some need more time than others tho. Try not to rush it, do not be hard on yourself, you will get ups and downs. I remember how bad I was during the first week, and compared to how I feel now, I have recovered so much. It does feel like the longest month of my life tho fo sure.
MartianChronicles Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 as i wrote almost a million times here on LS, my ex and i broke up two months ago. it was him who dumped me, actually, and we'd been together for a year. the first month was like falling down a deep hole. i didn't know what to do. he kept texting and emailing me, asking whether i was right or not. i should have replied: how the hell am i supposed to be all right, when you just won't leave me alone? then he came back, stating we should be back as fwb. no need to say the situation was devastating. i cried every day, sometimes i cried all day. when i decided to go on NC, he would always break it, saying he was worried for my sanity (??). anyway, though the temptation is still there, i managed not to reply his texts, calls and emails. i turned to my friends for help. i started taking yoga lessons. i started exercising, started eating healthy food again (and gained 2 kilos). i hung out with friends, tried to make new ones, tried to work hard. i went back to reading novels and books. and the other day i woke up and, for the first time in two months, found out i couldnt care less about him, what he was doing, who he was meeting, and all of his crap. i'm aware i'm not completely out of it. it will take some more time, but i can feel i'm on the right way. and, well, i dated a few guys in the last month, and actually had sex with one of them. i decided not to date anyone, until i feel better and get back all my self esteem. most of all, i don't dream about him at night anymore, and that's great
ijustwannago Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Thanks so much for the great post! congrats you sound happy healthy and well. now i find myself looking forward to the next day and the next day. for it has a lot to do with NC. Thanks for the encouragement.
Author janedoe123 Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Baby boo - time will heal everything. There is no telling how long it will take because it is different with everyone. I can say that going NC will probably speed up the process. It is a really good way to just start to focus and think clearly again instead of having ur mind absorbed with the ex. Don't rush , I agree with bosiell, every day will get a bit better and a bit better until one day you wake up and think about yourself and the things in your life before you think about your ex. Thanks to everyone that has posted, I think its great that everyone can share their experiences especially because I think the hardest part for me in my breakup was that I wanted that 'concrete evidence' that things were going to get better from people that were going through the same as me!
qwertyu Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 janedoe123: how long did you take then? he only asked for a patch aft a year?! haha.
Author janedoe123 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 how long did it take for what gwertyu? It took my a year to realize what I needed to do to be happy, and maybe it was the distance that made him want to patch? All I'm saying is that it takes different amounts of time for everyone to realize what to do to make themselves happy - hopefully not near as long as it took me. Just letting ppl know they are not alone.
Mylife Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 hey i read all of ur posts and they are all actually really really helpful, yet i am still not sure what to do. Please do read my story in the new thread in this same forum called me and please do help me out. My situation is similar yet different to what is posted here. Thanks
Bosiell Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 The last few days have been poor for me, for some reason I have started to lose some heart, the motivation to keep pressing foward, feeling sorry for myself again. I remembered your post however Jane and just read it through. It has once again encouraged me. Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall Confucuis.. x
qwertyu Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 i read some of you prev posts & i cant believe how you pulled thru & how he actually told you he cant see you in his future & he came back eventually!? why are they so fickle! my ex told me i still have a very special place in his heart but he doesnt feel ready to be in a serious r/p right now & probably for a long time. i feel like im still holding on cos im "waiting" till e day he's ready but i dont even know if he'd still want me back when he's ready. im so afraid right now cos i really want him back & i cant imagine having him out of my life altho im in the process of NC-ing. i hope one day i can write a "there is light" post like you.
Author janedoe123 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Bosiel - You are totally not alone when you say you feel sorry for yourself. That was another thing that I kept noticing with myself, that I kept feeling down, and sad, and sorry for myself. It wasn't until I started getting mad that things got better. I don't mean mad at anyone but myself. It takes time but try to force yourself instead of crying (so to speak) and feelings things like "I don't deserve to go through this" or "why is this happening", turn the tears into more forceful words. Say "I don't deserve this!! And I'm moving on from this" or "I don't NEED him in my life to make me happy" And when you answer the question 'why is this happening', really think about it. It's happening for a reason. You are going through this heartache for a reason. To make you stronger. To really prove to yourself that YOU CAN GET PAST IT, and that it WILL get better each day. Sorry I'm rambling a bit. qwertyu - I promise if you keep working day by day to make yourself happy you will be able to right a 'there is light' post! My ex often said I was 'special to him', or 'he has feelings but isn't ready'. I know what you mean by waiting, because I did it for a year, but I guess you can learn from my experiences and vow to yourself that you won't waste a year of your life like I did and start moving forward as of this moment. The one thing to remember is that it isn't easy, so don't expect it to be, and we are all here to help.
Author janedoe123 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Mylife - I read your post. I'm not sure what has happened since you posted (sorry about the late response) but there is one thing I have to say. You can't 'make' a guy be happy with the type of person you are or aren't. There are different types of girls and guys for everyone. You need to be completely yourself, and if that means going after what you want and not making practical decisions, then do it. Keep being the type of person you are and don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't normal. Remember, if this guy isn't the same, and doesn't want to be with you because of certain personality traits, then there is another guy right around the corner that would love who you are as a person. Just be confident in who you are - that's what matters. If you haven't already, you should probably sit him down and ask him flat out what he wants and if it's you he wants to be with. If the answer is yes, then work from there. If the answer is no, then atleast you can start to heal and won't be confused anymore.
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