Yayan Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Hi everyone, I hope somebody can help me or at least give me the encouragement I desperately need. Background: I met my wife when she was 16 yo and I was 19. After 4 years she got pregnant to our daughter and we got married (not the best reason to get married, I know). Now, 3 years later, she decided that she wanted out of the marriage. You see, she's a model (started a year ago) and her work would always expose her to many things that I think are not meant for married women. During the 3 years that we were married, I admit I wasn't the best husband around. Being very young, trying to make ends meet and keep our heads above water, I swamped myself with work (forgot friends). This led me to miss important family events and even not being able to take care of her when she's sick. I had problems with my temper (but never physically hurt her) too. This is her biggest resentment with me. In my defense, my wife was not the type who would appreciate the things I did for the marriage. She thinks I do things for her because I'm SUPPOSED to do them because I'm her husband. She would always say something which would make me feel very inadequate. I guess this is the reason why I neglected her. I wanted her to notice the things that I brought to the table. She also accused me at least twice of seeing another woman (no such woman). The Bomb was Dropped (August 1st - 18th): She said she fell out of love with me. She didn't think that it was possible but it happened. She felt she was "stuck" to our relationship the whole time we were together. She said she never enjoyed it every time we made love and she felt that I just used her. She said she just kept giving and giving the last 3 years and now she has nothing more to give. She asked me to move out of the house because she couldn't stand being around me. August 18th, I moved out to a new apartment. Her words and actions were just too painful for me. Needless to say, during this time I pleaded, begged, implored, tried to compromise and did everything else I was not supposed to do. I would give her massages, cook her food and was basically a lapdog. Nothing would make her budge. She didn't seem to think about how her decision would affect our daughter because my daughter will stay with her. We agreed that I will provide for our daughter's needs (milk, diapers, vitamins, etc) and I will get to have child custody on my rest days from work (usually Saturdays and Sundays). (August 19th - September 16th): She had been entertaining other men and, although she keeps denying it, I'm sure one of them she's on an emotional affair with (I checked her text messages before I moved out of the house). She said she would go out on dates with these men but always with a group (she met them from work). But when she goes home after they go out she would ride on the guys' cars home. Kill me. My wife's work doesn't earn a lot. Yes, the pay for each "gig" was high but these are infrequent and far-between. She would have would have a lot of difficulties making ends meet on her own. I found out that I was right because I checked her e-mail (spying) and I found that she had been trying to borrow money from her father (father has always been against me from the start and always asked my wife to leave me). My wife would sometimes ask for financial assistance from me and I always gave her what she wanted (I have always been the provider in the family). During these days I was still begging, did NC, did LC yet I was never consistent in any of the approach I did. On a few days I'll go NC then I won't be able to keep myself together then I would call her then I would try LC then NC (It was a vicious cycle). She was always cold (except when she's asking for something) and would always say she needs the space and she doesn't know what the future holds but right now she doesn't want to work on the marriage. She said, to her, it was over. (September 17th - September 23rd): During this week I was able to do the 180 consistently. Before this week I have not seen my wife for more than a week and although I missed her terribly I kept myself from sending her text messages and calling her. When I took my daughter on the Saturday of that week and she called me during the evening. I didn't answer the phone. She kept calling the day after but I still didn't answer. I even turned off my phone. That Sunday when I returned my daughter to my wife's (our) place I decided I wouldn't enter the house and just kiss my daughter goodnight and leave. My wife answered the door and invited me in. When I declined she insisted and she said she "wanted to talk". We went up to our room and talked. She said she felt that I was mad at her. I said I wasn't. I just needed the time to move on because I was very hurt by what she did. She said she wanted to go out and watch movies with me, not to try to work on the relationship but she just misses the company (she said she never went out to movies with the others) and she didn't want to watch movies with any other person. She said she wanted us (the family) to also start going out together. She said she still loved me but was not in-love with me. I said I didn't know what that meant. I said that what she wanted was selfish and unfair. I said that I loved her very much and I want her 100% or nothing at all. Yet, one thing led to another and we found ourselves having sex (a VERY bad idea I know). (September 24th - September 26th): I was very confused after that incident. I knew that I may have made big improvements but I blew it. The sex might have meant nothing to her. I have gone back to day 1. I decided to doing NC. I didn't know what else to do. When I went to her house on the 26th she was very mad with me. She said she didn't want to see me anymore. She said that if I will not be her friend anymore (because on NC) then we will not be friends. She demanded that I leave the house and never come back. She said she never wants to see me again. Instead of just walking away I started doing the wrong things again. I pleaded, begged to talk things through. She was insistent. She kept pushing me and hitting me. I got very frustrated and, I admit this was very wrong, I slapped her arm. I apologized profiously but, of course, my apologies were unheeded and she just kept crying and crying, begging me to leave and never come back. I left. I was crying too. I knew what I did was unforgiveable. What happened since then: I have now resolved to just contact her when the issue is about our daughter. I still send her a text message before I pick our daughter up on weekends. I answer the phone when she calls and wants to talk with our daughter. She would sometimes send me text messages when she needs something (like borrow my camera or when our daughter's milk supply is running low). I'm back to doing the 180 again because I don't know what else to do. Now I have found a better job that is at least three hours away and I am busy as ever. But there are many times when I cannot concentrate at work and I would just stop moving and suddenly become very sad. I miss them terribly and I wish all of this is through and we'll be happy again.
baby-boo Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I wish i could help you.. my 'everything' jst told me he never wanted to see me again... i thought we were forever... All i can say is your not alone... crying helps me... in the shower in the morning before you go to work... to let it all out... i also find NC toture... its the hardest thing imaginable... but better than begging and arguing... Im afraid i cant help you in what to do... but im here if you want to talk..
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 You two owe it to your daughter and to yourselves, to get into marriage counselling and give it your best shot. IF by chance it doesn't work (but you have to give it atleast a year or more of trying, doing all that is necessary to make it work) then divorce. You two can STILL be the best co-parents ever, just not under the same roof. Your daughter needs BOTH of you, so keep that in mind. Start being honest with her and talk to her. You might have to be the bigger person in this to get the ball rolling.
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 First off there "Slick" you need to go absolute NC (except for conversations about the DD) Why? You need to give yourself some time to get your head and @ss wired back together ~ get your act together! You've got zero chance of pulling this back together until you've got yourself together! Get your azz into IC, and get your act together as a person. Right now? Your walking around lost, dazed and confussed! Running around, screaming and shouting in cricles! Right now? Your an emotional basket case! You've got to get in control of your emotions or your emotions will control you! The last thing you need right now is a relationship with the DW (or STBXW) let alone anyone else. You cannot make rational decisions until you've got yourself under control. You need to do the NC and the 180's ~ don't be ugly about it, mean about it! Just tell the DW that you need some time to get your head together. And if that means you lose her forever? To sad! To bad! Her lost ~ not yours! She's caught up in a world that is illusionary? On the surface its all glamour ~ but it doesn't pay the bills! The Reality that she's caught up is uses and abuses people! Chews them up and spits them out into the cold hard World of Reality! Only a small fraction of less than 1% make it to the top ~ and of those that do? They burn out! YOU! Are the one that's going to have to "man-up" and be the realist and be there for your daughter! In all probalitity? You and the wife are going to end up divorced. And there's nothing that you can do about it, because she's chasing aftrer a "ghost" a "dream" a "fantasy" ~ and she's more than likely going to "crash and burn!" Ditto with Brittney Spheers and so many other celebrities! And she made it to the top! But in the end? She couldn't handle the fame! Your best bet? Live a SIMPLE AND UN-COMPLICATED life! Your wife? Her Life? Is just a train wreck waiting to happen! All you can do? Is "damage-control"
Author Yayan Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks for the replies, guys. I was actually hoping the messages would be more positive. I guess I really need to brace myself for what's coming up next. UPDATE: My wife sent me a text message this morning asking for a "favor". she needs money so that they can move to another apartment. apparently, she was not able to save enough. Now I'm confused again. I know I shouldn't give her the money. I want to be supportive though. I want her to want to come back. I want her to learn the consequences of her decisions as well. Is not giving the money consistent with doing the 180?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks for the replies, guys. I was actually hoping the messages would be more positive. I guess I really need to brace myself for what's coming up next. UPDATE: My wife sent me a text message this morning asking for a "favor". she needs money so that they can move to another apartment. apparently, she was not able to save enough. Now I'm confused again. I know I shouldn't give her the money. I want to be supportive though. I want her to want to come back. I want her to learn the consequences of her decisions as well. Is not giving the money consistent with doing the 180? If you want her back, why would you HELP her to leave you? Why do you think she got pissy with you when you were doing 180's? ...it's because they were working. (!!!!) When a betrayed spouse is begging and pleading, the wayward knows right where he is and exactly what he's thinking. When she's no longer certain of you, she's lost control of the situation, and she's gonna want to regain control. That's when she'll try to put you back up on the back-burner by wanting to be your "friend", all the while refraining from further commitment by giving you the old "I-love-you-but-I'm-not-IN-LOVE-with-you" bag 'o crap. Let her stew. Let her wonder. It makes you more interesting and less predictable. Be nice, but be strong... and tell her straight up that you're not financing her single lifestyle or assisting her in tearing your family apart. Have a look at Mike1966's thread.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/
Author Yayan Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Thanks LJ. She really has to learn the consequences of her decisions. I will not have any contact with her until this weekend when I pick our daughter up. For the past two weeks I just send her a courtesy text message telling her I'll be picking our daughter up at xx o' clock, please have her ready. Nothing more. She would always be the one to break NC (like in the last instance when she was asking for money). I sure hope I'm on the right track now. I do want her back but she has to want to be back as well. And if she never wants me back then NC does help a lot in me finding myself again. 2 days from now I'll tell her exactly what you told me to tell her LJ. Nothing more. I have to learn that her happiness is not my responsibility anymore. She made that pretty clear when she decided she didn't want to be with me anymore. It's very hard as I still have a lot of guilt as to why the marriage failed. I have also been so used to providing for all her financial needs. I just have to believe that refusing to help her now would help her (and me) more in the long run. Wish me luck.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Good luck, Yayan. I hope it goes well for you. But if it doesn't, remember that "this too shall pass". Whether you reconcile or divorce, this IS a temporary situation, a bump on life's road. Your story reminds me of another recent thread. You might want to give it a read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131983/
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 If she says she needs the $$ for your daughter, then ask her what it is that is needed and buy it for your daughter. IF she needs $$ for food, then give her grocery gift certificates.
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