crap I screwed myself agian

[whats wrong with me]

This is more for me just to get all this off mey chest...it will probably be long so I apoligize ahead of time to anyone who attempts to read this. Wouldve posted this in a blog but who im writin about reads them and I dont want to make him feel any worse than he already does.

 

Im married with children. My husband and I dont like each other we just stay together cause hes a control freak and Im scared to put myself and children through anymore crap. He has cheated on me for years but my attempts to leave him always backfire and i return. I have been separated from my husband for 15 months now. Its been a weird separation because its not like we are still not a couple. We only see each other once every month or so we are living hundreds of miles apart...its just real weird. I started having a casual relationship with a man my age about a year ago just for fun. (i know this was a bad decision but I did it anyway).

 

This new guy and I clicked on so many levels. I can only think of 3 things that make a better relationship strained. I smoke he doesnt, Im married hes single, I have kids and have been fixed and he wants children. Anyway over the past year we were getting very close and me bein the stupid ass that I am, thought I could stop caring about him if he started seeing other people. A couple months ago he had (protected) sex with someone at a party...I asked and he didnt lie about it. This news brought me to my knees. I wasnt mad at him or anything cause I kept tellin him to do it. And I cant even really ask him to stop cause Im married. It just hurt me very much. As we kept seeing each other, I feel like hell when hes not around. When he goes out now I die inside wondering if he will find the perfect girl that will keep him away from me.

 

Im at a breaking point so this past Friday I told him I cant do this anymore. I may never live with my husband again but may continue to have this weird separation thing goin on. I just cant stand wanting to die, I havent been able to function properly, I take care of my kids and work in a zombie state. I have my good moments but as soon as Im alone in my room i start bawling (who knew a person could cry so much). Anyway I tell him why I cant go on seein him and am crying cause I have fallen deep in love with him and I dont want to be apart from him. we talk for awhile and cry and talk. Then he breaks down and tells me he was a virgin when he met me...that other than the girl at the party I am the only one hes ever slept with and/or loved. Hes never had a girlfriend before. I believe him just because of how he is and the person he is. We have never had an argument in the past year, no screaming, we finish each other sentances...its unreal. Sounds like some highschool crap I know but we are both 30.

 

Now Im lost I still could see him but it kills me. Im damned if I do damned if I dont. He told nme it is hurtin him too and hes not sure about anything either. I get a message from him that makes me realize he actually has thought alot about this, probably as much as me. I guess what id makin this so rough for me now is knowing I could have him forever if I pushed but knowing he would hate me for it later because there is so much he wants and hasnt experianced that I cant give him.

 

THIS JUST SUCKS!