How do I tell him...

[jayden]

How do I tell him I'm running out of patience? I've been with him for just over a year now and I just can't handle being strung along anymore. He makes progress but it's at a 2-steps-forward-1-step-back rate and I'm going crazy just waiting. I don't want to jeopardize the progress thus far with an ultimatum, but he needs to know time is running out...

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can tell him that time is running out all you want, but until you show him through your actions he won't pay any attention. All he will do is come up with better stuff to say in order to keep you where he wants you.

 

How to show him? Tell him that you love him, and want to be with him but until he shows you legal proof of a divorce, and a lease on his new place - he is not allowed to be in your life in any way, shape or form. If he contacts you after this, remind him of your terms and cut him off firmly.

 

People who sit the fence like it that way, and will fight to stay up there: through lying, deception, emotional blackmail, threats, etc. The only way to fight back is to knock him off. Firmly. Just be aware that when you knock down a fence sitter, they often don't land where you want them to.

 

Your ability to to knock him off the fence is equal to your ability to walk away. If you don't have it in you to walk away, then you really can't expect any more than you are getting now. Men like that only respond when they think they are losing you. Not when you are making threats and not following through.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Unfortunately, in my opinion, once you make it all about leaving, you lose sight of your actual relationship and why you're in it.

 

I too made that mistake. I judged our relationship by progress instead of judging it as I would a single man - how he makes me feel and how worth it he is.

 

You need to give yourself a deadline, not him. You need to really think about how realistically long you can wait for MM to leave. Leaving is not a simple process for many, and many OW can start to feel "strung along" by the whole rigmarolle. Think about how long you are willing to wait. Date it, and live by it. Dont speak to MM about it, he doesn't need to know because this is YOUR deadline and is about YOUR life. Stick to it, otherwise you'll start to string yourself along. And then go back to enjoying your relationship and ensuring its what you want.

 

When you say MM has made progress, what sort of progress do you mean?

[jayden]

Well I guess progress is defined by "from what he tells me". Let me qualify by saying I know how stupid I come off sounding, and that I should have more self esteem than this, etc... but until you're actually in the situation, it's easy to judge. This forum is probably the most supportive thing I've got going on right now.

 

Anyway, what I mean by progress is simply the steps he's taken so far to get where we are today. He's talked about divorce with her. He's moved out of his room into the basement, then to the spare bedroom once he got that cleaned out. He's looking for a place to stay to actually move out, but who knows when. Every now and then he'll let me in on things they talk about such as day care, visiting schedule, etc. But the thing is no paperwork has been filed yet. Am I wrong to think that all it takes is a couple hours spent at a lawyer's office?

[OWoman]

You need to give yourself a deadline, not him. You need to really think about how realistically long you can wait for MM to leave. Leaving is not a simple process for many, and many OW can start to feel "strung along" by the whole rigmarolle. Think about how long you are willing to wait. Date it, and live by it. Dont speak to MM about it, he doesn't need to know because this is YOUR deadline and is about YOUR life. Stick to it, otherwise you'll start to string yourself along. And then go back to enjoying your relationship and ensuring its what you want.

 

I think this is sound. It's certainly how I see things in my R - there are constraints on both sides that stop us being together right now and having in mind a date by which we could REALISTICALLY be together helps focus the frustrations and issues in between. If things are not in place by then, well, I guess at least one of us doesn't want it enough, and that's a sign that it's not going to work.

 

And if it happens sooner, well that's a bonus.

 

But you need to be clear on what it is YOU want, and by when, and what you're prepared to do if that doesn't materialise. If the answer is "compromise", then it's not a real deadline.

[OWoman]

Am I wrong to think that all it takes is a couple hours spent at a lawyer's office?

 

only once he's taken the decision irrevocably. It takes quite a bit to get there before that.

[jayden]

He says he's trying to get all his ducks in a row ahead of time. Sometimes I think he's being smart about it, but at other time I think "what a bunch of crap". Obviously it's my fault for letting it get to this point to begin with. Not sure why I'm feeling sorry for myself all of a sudden but it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this. Thanks guys!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Well I guess progress is defined by "from what he tells me". Let me qualify by saying I know how stupid I come off sounding, and that I should have more self esteem than this, etc... but until you're actually in the situation, it's easy to judge. This forum is probably the most supportive thing I've got going on right now.

 

Anyway, what I mean by progress is simply the steps he's taken so far to get where we are today. He's talked about divorce with her. He's moved out of his room into the basement, then to the spare bedroom once he got that cleaned out. He's looking for a place to stay to actually move out, but who knows when. Every now and then he'll let me in on things they talk about such as day care, visiting schedule, etc. But the thing is no paperwork has been filed yet. Am I wrong to think that all it takes is a couple hours spent at a lawyer's office?

 

You're right, this is all what he is telling you and it's time to decide whether you trust him or not. My MM did the same, and to be honest I questioned some of the things he told me about (childcare, selling the house etc). He DID actually do all of it, left home, separated, sold his family home, filed for divorce.

 

Yet, those couple of hours in a lawyers office do not end a marriage. They end the legal aspect of it, but not the emotional ties, the shared history, the photo albums, the insurance policies, the emotional stability of his children if he has any. Dont be naive in thinking its a simple process to end a marriage, its not. I had to support my MM through it at the expense of my own confusion and worries. And when push came to shove, the fear of the affects on his young children who were heavily involved in the arguments, encouraged him to return to the marital home. Which now he regrets and has now put a down payment on a house. From what I can tell, most endings are three step forwards and fourty-two steps back, its not simple, its not pleasant and it certainly wont adhere to schedules.

[jayden]

How are things now? Are you together?

[GreenEyedLady]

How do I tell him I'm running out of patience? I've been with him for just over a year now and I just can't handle being strung along anymore. He makes progress but it's at a 2-steps-forward-1-step-back rate and I'm going crazy just waiting. I don't want to jeopardize the progress thus far with an ultimatum, but he needs to know time is running out...

 

Let him know he'll lose you and mean it...

 

Is he meeting your needs? What type of progress are you talking about, can you be more specific without giving out TMI?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

How are things now? Are you together?

 

Yes, we're still together because he continues to meet my needs and because I understand in depth the problems he faces in ending his marriage, not least the turmoil his children are in.

 

If he didn't meet my needs, if I didn't understand, if it wasn't worth it anymore, and if I didn't trust him, I would walk away.

 

Have you talked to your MM about how you are feeling?

[Impudent Oyster]

How do I tell him I'm running out of patience? I've been with him for just over a year now and I just can't handle being strung along anymore. He makes progress but it's at a 2-steps-forward-1-step-back rate and I'm going crazy just waiting. I don't want to jeopardize the progress thus far with an ultimatum, but he needs to know time is running out...

 

Don't see him or speak to him until he's divorced. That sends a clear message that you will not settle for being the OW, and only then will you know what you really mean to him.

 

He'll do it if he loves you, otherwise, if you're willing to let him be a cakeman, why should he stop?

[Tomcat33]

Unfortunately, in my opinion, once you make it all about leaving, you lose sight of your actual relationship and why you're in it.

 

I too made that mistake. I judged our relationship by progress instead of judging it as I would a single man - how he makes me feel and how worth it he is.

 

You need to give yourself a deadline, not him. You need to really think about how realistically long you can wait for MM to leave. Leaving is not a simple process for many, and many OW can start to feel "strung along" by the whole rigmarolle. Think about how long you are willing to wait. Date it, and live by it. Dont speak to MM about it, he doesn't need to know because this is YOUR deadline and is about YOUR life. Stick to it, otherwise you'll start to string yourself along. And then go back to enjoying your relationship and ensuring its what you want.

 

When you say MM has made progress, what sort of progress do you mean?

 

 

I think this is excellent advice.

 

It all boils down to your breaking point. It is very much like the progression of a normal rel. you would never ask a man to commit if he were not ready to do so on his own, or to move in together etc. So follow your gut but when it feels like you are at the end of your rope waiting then you have to be prepared to walk and close that door. Only do this when you feel you can succeed at walking away. It's not easy but we all have our stages that we go through, learn to determine what stage you feel you are in.

[jesssica]

Just put it in writing, (don't say this to him in person or the phone, it will be disregarded) something like:

"I strongly believe we should not see each other unless we are both available."

And then stop contact. Cold turkey. No "last-time-goodbyes" because that will make it even that much harder to leave.

 

Like others above have said, you deserve more; not just 1/2 a man...

 

 

"The W and H have been together so long... even without the love, he won't leave her because the marriage is all he knows. Despite his alleged misery in the marriage, he's comfortable and set in his ways.... If he divorces, what's next? He's terrified of the uncertainty. To him, it's not worth the risk... as even though there's so much love for the OW, he can't do it. If he truly cared for you, he would set you free."

[norajane]

Well I guess progress is defined by "from what he tells me". Let me qualify by saying I know how stupid I come off sounding, and that I should have more self esteem than this, etc... but until you're actually in the situation, it's easy to judge. This forum is probably the most supportive thing I've got going on right now.

 

Anyway, what I mean by progress is simply the steps he's taken so far to get where we are today. He's talked about divorce with her. He's moved out of his room into the basement, then to the spare bedroom once he got that cleaned out. He's looking for a place to stay to actually move out, but who knows when. Every now and then he'll let me in on things they talk about such as day care, visiting schedule, etc. But the thing is no paperwork has been filed yet. Am I wrong to think that all it takes is a couple hours spent at a lawyer's office?

 

You're right. All that is 'what he tells you' and nothing you can actually verify that it really happened.

 

Also, consider that him filing for divorce doesn't mean he'll actually get a divorce. A lot of spouses see that as a wake-up call, and then the MM goes back home to his wife for 'one last try'.

 

And, finally, consider that a newly divorced man isn't generally in any shape mentally or emotionally to jump into another marriage, or even a serious relationship. There's a lot of emotional fall-out that comes with a divorce - time on their own (and, sometimes, time to date other people) is usually necessary for the divorced person to be ready for another commitment.

 

What is certain is that you are enabling him to endure his 'bad' marriage - you are his crutch, his escape from a bad home life. As long as you support him, the longer it will take for him to decide life at home is not worth the misery he feels. Take away his crutch, and he will have to stand on his own. Then you'll know if he really plans to leave his wife or not.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He's talked about divorce with her.

Yep, I heard that one too from xMM.

 

He's moved out of his room into the basement

ROFL!! That's the same EXACT story I got from my xMM, too. He'd 'moved into the basement while he was getting all his ducks in a row and arranging to find another place to live." Gotcha.

 

He's looking for a place to stay to actually move out, but who knows when.

Really? Where's he "looked?" Where's he actually gone where he met with the landlord and/or owner and actually inquired about the space, took a tour of it, and filled out a financial application to see if he would be accepted as a tennant? Or is he claiming he's been hitting up friends and asking them if he can stay on their couch? Lucky you - you'll get to support him if that's what he's looking to do.

 

Every now and then he'll let me in on things they talk about such as day care, visiting schedule, etc. But the thing is no paperwork has been filed yet.

Hmm. That's odd. Seems like his wife is pretty accepting of her upcoming separation and divorce. What could possibly be the HOLD UP?

 

Am I wrong to think that all it takes is a couple hours spent at a lawyer's office?

That IS all it takes if it's a somewhat amicable separation. Maybe this hasn't happened yet because in all probability, the wife has NO IDEA of this upcoming separation. Unless and until you LIVE IN THEIR HOME, all you have to go on is HIS word. And he's already a proven liar, isn't he?