Meeting People

[Sean0775]

First post, so this is going to be a bit of a book. (Yes I know it's a cross post, but I wasn't getting any replies)

 

I'll start with a little background info on myself. I'm a 24 year old man living in Western Illinois. I'm currently making a respectable living as a retail manager and plan to stay in that line of work for a while (Note: I'm on 3rd shift at the moment). The town I live in is in the middle of a nasty economic downturn and there is very little to do here, but I can't bring myself to transfer stores as I like 95% of the people I work with. So what's my problem? I cannot meet people for the life of me.

 

My last relationship lasted around 4 months. It was my first experience dating a single mother, but we had differences of opinion on how to properly raise children, plus I was putting in 60 hours a week during the last month of the relationship. The sad part is, that was the longest relationship I've ever had. Being a salaried supervisor at work, I am not allowed to date/hang out with any hourly associate. It's a very good way to get fired, and nothing is worth the risk of losing my job (I was unemployed for 8 months after college, never again).

 

Part of my problem may lie in my interests. Unlike a lot of my age group, I am totally done with the bar scene, in fact I was done before I started. That goes for partying in general, as I got most of it out of my system in college. That eliminates a large chunk of the dating pool in the area. I've tried online dating, and while my longest relationship came from it, I don't think it really works that well. I'm not religious in the least, so no meeting people through church. I'm a musician, but not the type of musician that is seen as "cool" by the majority of people as I feel musicianship > showmanship (ie, standing and playing, no missed notes). To top that all off, I'm a gamer (video games, card games, tabletop, etc).

 

Now that that's out of the way, I do have a couple options popping up that are somewhat worth mentioning.

 

1) For months now two of my female co-workers have wanted to make me their "Project". Basically, they want to go through my closet, throw out all the bad stuff (I haven't updated my wardrobe in years), and have me buy new clothes that are actually stylish. My ex got me dressing a little more "Now", but after the breakup I have regressed since I didn't feel what she liked really fit my personality. Part 2 of this is said co-workers and I going bar hopping, though they both know my feelings on that. Note: They're both salaried, so I would not get fired for taking them up on it.

 

2) A guy I just hired wants to set me up with a female friend of his. The fact that she's 19 (5 years younger) has me a little apprehensive in the first place, but I think the real nail in the coffin is that I wouldn't be able to hang out with her if anyone I supervise is also there. I suppose meeting her wouldn't hurt, but I really don't see it going anywhere due to the circumstances (nothing is worse the risk of losing my job).

 

So that's about it. I'm mostly just unsure of where to go from here, and I do recognize that the reason is just because I am who I am. A few years back this probably would have been one of those "Nice Guy" rants, but thankfully I outgrew that lame excuse and mindset. In short; I am not afraid to admit that I am, by many standards, uninteresting and lame. I am a creature of habit and tend to follow the same routine from week to week, which is partially a side affect of having set days off due to working 3rd shift.

 

I'll stop rambling at this point and hope for a little feedback, thanks in advance.

[uniqueone]

 

 

In short; I am not afraid to admit that I am, by many standards, uninteresting and lame.

 

This line pretty much contains the source of your problems.....how you feel about yourself. Each thing you mentioned about yourself CAN be seen as interesting if you look at it in a different way.

 

How's this:

 

"I'm a musician! Not some two-note, guitar-playing, rock-star wannabe..but a REAL musician!"

 

Immediately you're seeing your musical skills as something that doesn't appeal to the general public and so you hide them. You shouldn't hide them at all and you should act like you're proud of them. Others will look at it differently when they see that. Have you ever watched someone perform a particular type of music that you didn't care for (country music for example) but they did it with such enthusiasm that it just drew you in? They made it interesting. That's what they need to do. The only one making yourself appear lame and uninteresting is you.

[Sean0775]

This line pretty much contains the source of your problems.....how you feel about yourself. Each thing you mentioned about yourself CAN be seen as interesting if you look at it in a different way

I don't know, being done with bars/partying has botched up more than one budding relationship. It's to the extent that I've given up on attempting to date girls who talk about liking to go bar hopping/clubbing/dancing/etc. Mine is a bad, bad age group to have this mindset in. I've found I relate better to people 10 years older than me or more, as they can actually hold a conversation without going into the "crazy stuff" that happened at the bar last night. No thanks, I got that out of my system in college. I could share some wisdom about what not to do, but I know I didn't listen to it back then, so why waste my breath?

 

How's this:

 

"I'm a musician! Not some two-note, guitar-playing, rock-star wannabe..but a REAL musician!"

 

Immediately you're seeing your musical skills as something that doesn't appeal to the general public and so you hide them. You shouldn't hide them at all and you should act like you're proud of them. Others will look at it differently when they see that.

I have to disagree there. 9 times out of 10 whenever I'm asked to play something, I'm almost immediately asked to play something by <insert talentless pop band here> when I start playing something that takes real skill.

 

Have you ever watched someone perform a particular type of music that you didn't care for (country music for example) but they did it with such enthusiasm that it just drew you in? They made it interesting. That's what they need to do. The only one making yourself appear lame and uninteresting is you.

Just because someone doesn't appear to be enthusiastic about their music doesn't mean they aren't. I've been told I need to put on more of a show when I play, but that's not how I play music. Jimi Hendrix may have put on a good show, but he couldn't do it without hitting 200 sloppy notes. It comes down to personal preference with music.

 

Upon re-reading this, I'm reminded that I can be a real elitist on this subject, which also tends to be a turn-off. I put every genre of music I don't like under a microscope, and people don't take well to their favorite artists (for lack of a better term) being de-constructed. I'm sure there's some psychological issue at the root of this, but I didn't take college psyche, instead opting for its perennially useless sister; philosophy (thankfully it was just an elective, philosophy major = studying to stand in the unemployment line).

[uniqueone]

I don't know, being done with bars/partying has botched up more than one budding relationship. It's to the extent that I've given up on attempting to date girls who talk about liking to go bar hopping/clubbing/dancing/etc. Mine is a bad, bad age group to have this mindset in. I've found I relate better to people 10 years older than me or more, as they can actually hold a conversation without going into the "crazy stuff" that happened at the bar last night. No thanks, I got that out of my system in college. I could share some wisdom about what not to do, but I know I didn't listen to it back then, so why waste my breath?

 

So it botched a budding relationship, huh? How was it budding? I mean, how would it work if you two had nothing in common? How could that be "budding"? You wouldn't have liked her because she was into bars and clubs and that inane type of lifestyle that you are well past maturity-wise. So how could it have botched something that would have never have worked to begin with???

 

I have to disagree there. 9 times out of 10 whenever I'm asked to play something, I'm almost immediately asked to play something by <insert talentless pop band here> when I start playing something that takes real skill.

You're not getting my point. Just because someone wants you to play some other band doesn't have anything to do with what I said. What I said had to do with how you feel about what YOU PLAY. And there will be someone who will admire that at some point.

 

 

Upon re-reading this, I'm reminded that I can be a real elitist on this subject, which also tends to be a turn-off. I put every genre of music I don't like under a microscope, and people don't take well to their favorite artists (for lack of a better term) being de-constructed. I'm sure there's some psychological issue at the root of this, but I didn't take college psyche, instead opting for its perennially useless sister; philosophy (thankfully it was just an elective, philosophy major = studying to stand in the unemployment line).

 

 

Do you see all the put-downs? Do you notice how often you do that? THAT'S the part that has to change. And until you do that, then nothing is going to change at all in your life. If you're not willing to stop these these put downs and make them into positives, then there's NOTHING that anyone can do for you.

 

And btw, Philosophy isn't useless...in fact, it's useful in life and life is what we're dealing with. Also, Philosophy is one of my minors....along with Psych. I also have a Bachelor's and 2 Masters. I haven't really gotten as far as I would have liked to with all of my education but I'm working hard not to put myself down about it. You should too.

[Sean0775]

So it botched a budding relationship, huh? How was it budding? I mean, how would it work if you two had nothing in common? How could that be "budding"? You wouldn't have liked her because she was into bars and clubs and that inane type of lifestyle that you are well past maturity-wise. So how could it have botched something that would have never have worked to begin with???

I suppose you're right. That doesn't make it any less frustrating trying to find someone in my age group who isn't into the bar scene. And yes, I did try dating someone older once (11 years to be exact), but she wanted things to progress a little faster than what I was comfortable with.

 

Do you see all the put-downs? Do you notice how often you do that? THAT'S the part that has to change. And until you do that, then nothing is going to change at all in your life. If you're not willing to stop these these put downs and make them into positives, then there's NOTHING that anyone can do for you.

Yes, I can be negative sometimes. How vocal I am with said negativity depends on the situation. Since my last relationship dissolved, I've been less shy about sharing my negative thoughts. I really try not offend people or spread the bad vibes around, but if I'm having a bad night at work it just comes out (bad nights are too common when 95% of your crew is still fairly new).

 

And btw, Philosophy isn't useless...in fact, it's useful in life and life is what we're dealing with. Also, Philosophy is one of my minors....along with Psych. I also have a Bachelor's and 2 Masters. I haven't really gotten as far as I would have liked to with all of my education but I'm working hard not to put myself down about it. You should too.

I suppose that philosophy class wasn't totally useless, though I can't say I learned anything. It was mainly there to be an easy A to make up for my dismal performance in Economics the previous semester, and it filled that goal pretty well. As for education, I went to college planning to teach history. After a semester, I realized that I'd never be able to stand working with teenagers and dropped the education part. I kept the history major for some dumb reason and picked up a management minor, which helped me land my current job. In retrospect, I should have changed my major to something like business or marketing, or at least something that would be useful in retail, but what's done is done.

[birdie]

Hi Sean,

 

I'd go back to your original post and advise you what I always tell my male friends, especially the ones that are slightly older or looking for serious relationships (rather than picking up girls in bars): I think the best way forward is to take up interests where female company is pretty much guaranteed.

 

I know it sounds cheesy to some men but really the idea is that you get to know girls slowly, you build up rapport, friendship and hopefully will find some that you can have a relationship with. It is really ideal if you can get to know someone and have a friendship as a base first.

 

So what about dance classes for example? Girls love that, you are quite musical so can't be that rubbish at it. Anything that's quite social and there is a lot of interaction.

 

How would that sound for starters? Don't worry about being 'cool', you are not 19 anymore

[uniqueone]

I suppose you're right. That doesn't make it any less frustrating trying to find someone in my age group who isn't into the bar scene. And yes, I did try dating someone older once (11 years to be exact), but she wanted things to progress a little faster than what I was comfortable with.

There ARE those your age who aren't into the bar scene. I never was all that much into it but did end up getting into it at one point for lack of anything else to do. But had there been someone who wanted to do something else, I would have gladly done it. So they do exist.

And there ARE older women who don't want to progress faster than you're comfortable with so don't consider the one you knew to be representative of them all.

 

I suppose that philosophy class wasn't totally useless, though I can't say I learned anything. It was mainly there to be an easy A to make up for my dismal performance in Economics the previous semester, and it filled that goal pretty well.

 

Yeah, I took it for the same reason. I was pretty bored in those classes actually. Everyone wanted to argue stupid points and I drew pictures in my notebook while they argued. But I did so well at it even though the essay tests weren't that easy for the rest of the class...so I kept taking them. BUT.....you might not think you learned anything but you'll realize later on that you did.

 

As for education, I went to college planning to teach history. After a semester, I realized that I'd never be able to stand working with teenagers and dropped the education part. I kept the history major for some dumb reason and picked up a management minor, which helped me land my current job. In retrospect, I should have changed my major to something like business or marketing, or at least something that would be useful in retail, but what's done is done.

 

You never know what will be useful. I originally wanted Psych. and ended up majoring in Business thinking it would be more useful. Then after I graduated came a recession and there went the job market. I ended up a bookkeeper. PC's then came out and I was one of the few not afraid of them and learned about them. This got me (slowly) into the computer field.

My point being that you really can't say that what you'll major in is what's going to get you a job and you don't know if what you major in is going to even be useful anymore by the time you graduate so don't go too strictly by your degrees.

[Sean0775]

So what about dance classes for example? Girls love that, you are quite musical so can't be that rubbish at it. Anything that's quite social and there is a lot of interaction.

Unfortunately yes, 99% of the women I've met over the last 24 years love to dance. A buddy of mine somehow managed to find a girlfriend who doesn't like dancing and even HE wants to call shenanigans on it. Really though, wouldn't most women be able to see the fact that the only reason I was there was to try to get a date?

[Sean0775]

There ARE those your age who aren't into the bar scene. I never was all that much into it but did end up getting into it at one point for lack of anything else to do. But had there been someone who wanted to do something else, I would have gladly done it. So they do exist.

And there ARE older women who don't want to progress faster than you're comfortable with so don't consider the one you knew to be representative of them all.

Yeah, lack of anything else to do is my problem as well. If I believed in changing who I am I'd take my female coworkers up on being their "project" and going barhopping every week, but it's a pride thing. As for other older women, the hard part seems to be finding unmarried ones with no kids (my sig is an actual conversation I had at work...the woman ended up being married).