Lies, trust, sex addiction?!

[karisma83]

I've been with my fiance for 6 years, living together for 3. I'm 24, he is 26.

 

He admitted to me early in our relationship that he watched a lot of porn in college. Over the years we have been together, I have caught him (in chronological order) registered on adult swingers websites (looking for one on one, discreet relationships, phone sex, cyber sex), paying for phone sex (one bill was for $100), paying for cyber sex with live video feeds, and about 6 months ago emailing hookers on craigslist. The particular correspondance that I discovered (thanks to keylogging software) involved her requiring him to register on her website which required a credit card, and him offering to pay her extra money if he could just pay her in cash (he obviously knew I could see this on his credit statement). We share a phone plan and I've also seen days where he'd make 20-30 1-3 minute phone calls to sex chat lines (he said he was just listening to the intro). A few of those calls were 20 minutes or more. These are only the things I KNOW about-who knows about all the stuff I never caught!

 

I was devastated. I left him and moved back to my parents house for a week. During those first three nights I was gone, I later found out he had continued trying to reach this girl by registering on her website, when she wasn't there he sent out several other emails to other prostitutes on CL looking for a hookup. All the while calling me and texting me crying and saying how sorry he was, how stupid he had been, etc.

 

I ended up moving back in after he was able to pretty conclusively prove to me he never actually had any contact with those girls. He said he learned about CL from a news story (which was true, ironically, they had recently had a story about sting operations run by police to catch prostitutes). However, over the winter he had been working some VERY long hours-working late and on every weekend (I concede it IS their busy time). He works alone outside regular business hours and has computer access. Our sex life during this time period was also very slow-maybe once per week or two. I'd like to think he was just looking at porn at work, but I'm not sure if I'm just decieving myself.

 

I wonder if it is my fault sometimes? All the stuff he had said in that email to that prostitute was stuff he has wanted to do with me before-stuff he'd mentioned several times and I had rejected. I also feel like I was being selfish by not having sex with him more often when he said he wanted it more often. Or am I just trying to justify his behavior? I remember even in the early years of our relationship, when the sex was good and frequent, he was still calling numbers, watching webcams, and registering on sex websites.

 

It would be easier to end this relationship if things weren't so good otherwise. He is my best friend, we typically get along great, have so many things in common, and I always thought for sure we would be getting married, until I found out about this secret double life. Since this has happened, he has given me online access to his cell phone records, his banking accounts, he always shows me his weekly paychecks and what he is depositing, and even offered to let me put a keylogger on his work computer (which I wouldn't do for legal reasons-several people use that computer). I still have a very hard time trusting him, and any time he works late now or on weekends I am skeptical about what he is really doing there.

 

I feel like my head is telling me that logically, I should get out now because he has shown an escalation in behavior, but my heart is telling me something entirely different. It's really really hard for me to trust him because of these things.

 

I graduate in Dec. I'll finally be able to work enough to be able to support myself. I'm considering getting my own apartment, but I worry that I won't be able to find anyone better (like I mentioned, we otherwise get along great!)

 

Any advice much appreciated

[beautifuldisaster]

Wow, reading this was like reading my ex boyfriend and I's relationship. Trust me when I say that they don't change! Do yourself a huge favor and run....get out now! I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but he has an addiction that will end up destroying you. Trust your instincts, they're very rarely wrong! Good luck!

[learn2live]

Hello I'm going through a situation a lot like yours but about 5 years in your future. I have had some of the same problems as your boyfriend over the years(not the hookers). My wife and I are now seperated heading for divorce I fear. Over the years I have viewed a lot of porn and porn websites and was never very upfront about it. The only time I would tell the truth about it was when I was caught and there was no way out. I have been married for 4 .5 years and I have always looked at porn even while we dated. When she would confront me I would say I will work on it or make her feel bad for asking me about it. I never got any outside help untill she confronted me with a divorce now Im truley working on it. Sounds like he has a compulsive sexual problem(the internet contributes to this quite a bit) . I have gone to a couple S.A.A meeting for this and also see a thearpist now. This has helped alot so far. Confront him and make him get help he will lie about it or just not tell you. There is a lot of shame involved in this so it is hard to tell anybody even the ones that are the closest. But let him know that you are there for him and that he can beat it. But you have to let him know that he needs to get help. This problem does not just go away.

 

check out this website www.saa-recovery.org

 

And check out this book it will help a lot "In the Shadows of the Net"

By: Carnes,delmonico, Griffen and moriarty

 

You should be able to find it in any self help section of you local book store.

 

He sounds a lot like me and I wish I would of confronted it a lot earlier and maybe my wife would still love me if I had. It also sounds like you love him alot and this should help you two out fight through it. Going through it alone sucks..

 

good luck.

[finallyhappyme]

Same here...they NEVER change. And just when I thought after a year that he really had stopped and I trusted him again I found out he was going to a friends house to register and watch. It's a sickness. I never felt good enough and I completely lost myself for a long time.

 

I'm so sorry I know exactly what your going through.

 

Good luck.

[learn2live]

Not sending any mixed messages here but you really have to make sure he gets help. If thats means leaving him you have to do so. And if you don't feel good about yourself you have to really take a look at that relationship and ask yourself if its worth it to stay or try to save.

 

Sounds like the other people here have had dealings with this problem and they know it is a sickness that needs to be confronted and that it can rip relationships apart.

 

once again good luck

[uniqueone]

I've been with my fiance for 6 years, living together for 3. I'm 24, he is 26.

 

He admitted to me early in our relationship that he watched a lot of porn in college. Over the years we have been together, I have caught him (in chronological order) registered on adult swingers websites (looking for one on one, discreet relationships, phone sex, cyber sex), paying for phone sex (one bill was for $100), paying for cyber sex with live video feeds, and about 6 months ago emailing hookers on craigslist. The particular correspondance that I discovered (thanks to keylogging software) involved her requiring him to register on her website which required a credit card, and him offering to pay her extra money if he could just pay her in cash (he obviously knew I could see this on his credit statement). We share a phone plan and I've also seen days where he'd make 20-30 1-3 minute phone calls to sex chat lines (he said he was just listening to the intro). A few of those calls were 20 minutes or more. These are only the things I KNOW about-who knows about all the stuff I never caught!

 

I was devastated. I left him and moved back to my parents house for a week. During those first three nights I was gone, I later found out he had continued trying to reach this girl by registering on her website, when she wasn't there he sent out several other emails to other prostitutes on CL looking for a hookup. All the while calling me and texting me crying and saying how sorry he was, how stupid he had been, etc.

 

I ended up moving back in after he was able to pretty conclusively prove to me he never actually had any contact with those girls. He said he learned about CL from a news story (which was true, ironically, they had recently had a story about sting operations run by police to catch prostitutes).

 

So....you fell for him "proving" to you that he wasn't with a hooker. Big deal. He's lied to you on numerous occasions....so much in fact, that you've had to install a keylogger program. That's a REALLY bad relationship. Do you know what a good relationship is?

 

However, over the winter he had been working some VERY long hours-working late and on every weekend (I concede it IS their busy time).

And I've got some property to sell you in New Orleans......

 

Our sex life during this time period was also very slow-maybe once per week or two.

While that's not frequent, it's not non-existent either. In fact, for a lot of busy people, that's normal.

 

I'd like to think he was just looking at porn at work, but I'm not sure if I'm just decieving myself.

 

Something sounds terribly wrong with this line.

I wonder if it is my fault sometimes? All the stuff he had said in that email to that prostitute was stuff he has wanted to do with me before-stuff he'd mentioned several times and I had rejected. I also feel like I was being selfish by not having sex with him more often when he said he wanted it more often.

Sex should be what both people agree to. It's not one person giving into another out of fear that the other will get it instead with the next person that they come across. That's coercion.

Or am I just trying to justify his behavior? I remember even in the early years of our relationship, when the sex was good and frequent, he was still calling numbers, watching webcams, and registering on sex websites.

That's because frequency doesn't matter. It's not about getting their rocks off....it's a psychological issue.

 

It would be easier to end this relationship if things weren't so good otherwise. He is my best friend,

Do your best friends lie to you?

 

I graduate in Dec. I'll finally be able to work enough to be able to support myself. I'm considering getting my own apartment, but I worry that I won't be able to find anyone better

 

So you won't be able to find someone who:

 

Doesn't lie

Doesn't cheat

Doesn't expose you to diseases (from hookers) thereby jeapardizing your health

Doesn't make you feel that you need to perform their sexual fantasies or else they'll go elsewhere to get them

Doesn't spend what would be your money (jointly if you got married) to feed their addiction

And you won't be able to find someone that you can trust

 

Is this what you're saying?

 

(like I mentioned, we otherwise get along great!)

 

When he's not doing the above, right?

[redfathom]

I have been married for seven years, with my H for 10 years, I am 25 and it has always been a problem. Our sex life has suffered tremendously, to the point where I don't really want it anymore which is good cause he can't get an erection with me recently.

 

He also went to escort sites, I don't know if he is registered at sites or if he chats with women. When I would ask him to stop he would tell me he wouldn't and I had to accept that this was the way things were, it ate at me for years and still does. So when I had to accept it, it was like giving up a part of me, a part of me that loved him. In many ways I still love him and I want it to work and other times I think to myself that I am too young to deal with this.

 

It eats at me, when I am at work and he is home I wonder what he is doing, when I ask him to do laundry or some other chorse and he doesn't I wonder what was occuping his time so that he couldn't, I used to snoop everyday, espeically if he did not want to be intimiate with me. If he is late to meet me for lunch or something I wonder if it's because he was looking at porn, etc.

 

I have since limited my snooping to maybe once every two months, I just can't seem to fully stop. The sad thing is when I snoop I almost always find something, but it's not like that changes anything. I have stopped talking to him about it, because he would just hurt me when ever I would bring it up. So now I just try to ignore it, but when I try to block out the pain of it, it means I have to put up a wall and that wall blocks out a lot more then just the pain.

 

I wish I could help, but you are not alone. We are all strong women dealing with weak men (sorry to be mean about it). Just remember if you can take care of someone while dealing with something like this, you can definitly take care of yourself. While he may be your friend he is not being a good one. He is being selfish.

 

When my H and I seperated he told me I would not find anyone better, and I told him flat out I would. But you know what, I am better and so are. Be your best companion, he should compliment you not complete you, no man should.

 

I used to put my H before me, he was number 1, but not anymore. You need to be your number one.

[jcster]

All the stuff he had said in that email to that prostitute was stuff he has wanted to do with me before-stuff he'd mentioned several times and I had rejected. I also feel like I was being selfish by not having sex with him more often when he said he wanted it more often. Or am I just trying to justify his behavior?

 

This manipulation is straight out of the addict's handbook. An addict will blame the moon, stars, wind direction, world political situation and their lovers and family for their problem...never themselves - which is the real problem.

 

If he's not willing to get help, then there is nothing that you can do to help him except leave. If you buy into his denial and let him manipulate you, then you and he will both spiral further and further down until you become just as screwed up as him.

 

I dated a coke-addict for almost a year, and I've been through what you're going through, the checking phone calls - the looking for clues - believing the lies. Trust me, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

 

Best of luck.

[karisma83]

Hello I'm going through a situation a lot like yours but about 5 years in your future. I have had some of the same problems as your boyfriend over the years(not the hookers). My wife and I are now seperated heading for divorce I fear. Over the years I have viewed a lot of porn and porn websites and was never very upfront about it. The only time I would tell the truth about it was when I was caught and there was no way out. I have been married for 4 .5 years and I have always looked at porn even while we dated. When she would confront me I would say I will work on it or make her feel bad for asking me about it. I never got any outside help untill she confronted me with a divorce now Im truley working on it. Sounds like he has a compulsive sexual problem(the internet contributes to this quite a bit) . I have gone to a couple S.A.A meeting for this and also see a thearpist now. This has helped alot so far. Confront him and make him get help he will lie about it or just not tell you. There is a lot of shame involved in this so it is hard to tell anybody even the ones that are the closest. But let him know that you are there for him and that he can beat it. But you have to let him know that he needs to get help. This problem does not just go away.

 

check out this website www.saa-recovery.org

 

And check out this book it will help a lot "In the Shadows of the Net"

By: Carnes,delmonico, Griffen and moriarty

 

You should be able to find it in any self help section of you local book store.

 

He sounds a lot like me and I wish I would of confronted it a lot earlier and maybe my wife would still love me if I had. It also sounds like you love him alot and this should help you two out fight through it. Going through it alone sucks..

 

good luck.

 

Thanks for the input; it's always helpful to hear from another perspective . I have to remind myself not to take it personally.

 

I wish he would just look at porn. I don't like that but I can live with it. I personally draw the line at interacting with other people-phone sex, cyber sex, and obviousl face to face meetings. The hookers I'm most concerned about, for my own health, like someone else mentioned.

[karisma83]

Same here...they NEVER change. And just when I thought after a year that he really had stopped and I trusted him again I found out he was going to a friends house to register and watch. It's a sickness. I never felt good enough and I completely lost myself for a long time.

 

I'm so sorry I know exactly what your going through.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that. I wish he could only see how bad it makes me feel. It seems like virtually every guy does it though.. .what can you do?

[karisma83]

He also went to escort sites, I don't know if he is registered at sites or if he chats with women. When I would ask him to stop he would tell me he wouldn't and I had to accept that this was the way things were, it ate at me for years and still does. So when I had to accept it, it was like giving up a part of me, a part of me that loved him. In many ways I still love him and I want it to work and other times I think to myself that I am too young to deal with this.

 

It eats at me, when I am at work and he is home I wonder what he is doing, when I ask him to do laundry or some other chorse and he doesn't I wonder what was occuping his time so that he couldn't, I used to snoop everyday, espeically if he did not want to be intimiate with me. If he is late to meet me for lunch or something I wonder if it's because he was looking at porn, etc.

 

I have since limited my snooping to maybe once every two months, I just can't seem to fully stop. The sad thing is when I snoop I almost always find something, but it's not like that changes anything. I have stopped talking to him about it, because he would just hurt me when ever I would bring it up. So now I just try to ignore it, but when I try to block out the pain of it, it means I have to put up a wall and that wall blocks out a lot more then just the pain.

 

I'm so sorry that is horrible how he is acting!!! Still in a sick way it's comforting to know I'm not alone in situations like this... they seem all too common.

 

I could live with him looking at porn.. I guess. I wouldn't dump him over it. But the escort sites... and talking to these women concerns me the most.

 

Thanks for sharing- I hope things get better for you!

[reboot]

It seems like virtually every guy does it though.. .what can you do?

No they don't.