hot123 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Okay...quick recap of my events...was with my ex for 9 years...married for 4 started to suspect he was cheating ,after that was confirmed i moved out.He later told me to give him the apt I had rented and come back to our house...so i did.I finally got my divorce and moved on .He still pays the mortgage though and wants to remain in my life....I really dont want to be his friend due to the fact that hes still working w/the o/w.Now he pretends that everythings ok and I should let it go...he is miserable w/out me and is acting like I should try to rebuild our relationship...how can he think that is even possible while he still sees that tramp every day!?!?
Melovator Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Would you want him, as a friend or whatever, even if he wasn't seeing the tramp everyday?
Author hot123 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 At first I thought maybe I can maintain a friendship somehow...afterall thats the grown up thing to do right?Now I detest him really,the thought of trusting him ever again is not likely...he says im a stubborn grudgeholder,i say im a woman with a firm belief in honor and loyalty...i mean to think back on all the times i was home being clueless while he took full stock in what he had and chose to proceed anyway is unforgivable as far as im concerned.on the other hand I am sometimes second guessing myself and wonder if maybe im too black and white in my stance on relationships...i dont know really...
Melovator Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 So you still get mad at him? It's understandable of course, but its often been said on LS that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference... if you get mad at him you're still emotionally invested in him. He cheated because he was a f**ktard not because of anything you did, and its ridiculous for him to expect that you would even piss on him in the street let alone be his friend. Are you only second guessing yourself because he's second guessing you?
datingmum Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 is that there are always reasons why a man cheats: 1. not enough or adequate intimacy - emotionally or sexually or spiritually 2. entrenched enemy type behaviour from a partner 3. pathological behaviour patterns entrenched from bad childhood situations. Either way, the answer will equal work. It is easy to get a divorce and walk away, particularly if no children are involved, but clearly he feels (even if wrongly) that his needs are not getting met.
Author hot123 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 is that there are always reasons why a man cheats: 1. not enough or adequate intimacy - emotionally or sexually or spiritually 2. entrenched enemy type behaviour from a partner 3. pathological behaviour patterns entrenched from bad childhood situations. Either way, the answer will equal work. It is easy to get a divorce and walk away, particularly if no children are involved, but clearly he feels (even if wrongly) that his needs are not getting met. you are getting wiser by the post ol chum
datingmum Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 he's just a "f*cking jerk, cheating bastard, childish betraying m&therf*cker". But behind that anger, there has to be some understanding that there is a motivation for his actions. Even if it's because he's a selfish, uncaring man, there are reasons why he has become that way. Until you understand those reasons, you are in no position to consider completely "unbefriending" him or, on the opposite extreme, have sex with him again - just to avoid 'casual encounters'.
Author hot123 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 he's just a "f*cking jerk, cheating bastard, childish betraying m&therf*cker". But behind that anger, there has to be some understanding that there is a motivation for his actions. Even if it's because he's a selfish, uncaring man, there are reasons why he has become that way. Until you understand those reasons, you are in no position to consider completely "unbefriending" him or, on the opposite extreme, have sex with him again - just to avoid 'casual encounters'. even though he had an awful childhood which i have always taken into account...that does not mean he has a free pass to be morally bankrupt for life.
datingmum Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 He can't continue to do those things. Is he saying that he knows why he did it, that it was wrong, that he is sick without you, that he will have counselling, do WHATEVER it takes to get you back? Google marriagebuilders and read some of their articles on infidelity. It sounds like he at least is having very serious remorse. I used to be very reactionary too, but as I get older, I realise that perhaps my initial black and white responses did not adequately answer the questions my soul was asking. Worth a try
datingmum Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 and you'll be happy to hear that marriagebuilders fully supports the idea that if the cheating spouse is working with the O/W, they should - without a doubt - find another job somewhere far far away from the other cheating party.
Author hot123 Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 and you'll be happy to hear that marriagebuilders fully supports the idea that if the cheating spouse is working with the O/W, they should - without a doubt - find another job somewhere far far away from the other cheating party. thank- you...ill check that out
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