I broke up with my ex a year ago and am severly depressed and anxiety ridden.

[benyb245]

I broke up with my ex girlfriend a year ago back in october after a first break up in august we spent 5 days together and she dumped me again. At the time i had a drug problem was coping with just getting realeased from juvy after 10 months because i stupidly did something then my parents go divorced and i was left homeless for my gf of 3 years to help me. This lead to alot of fights and whole lot of conflict between me and her. Mostly her with me because i didnt have a job and i reverted back to my drug habits after 14 months. This same gf was there for me through a suicide attempt and all the violence and bs i was exposed to with my parents and there insanity. I smoked pot for years to deal with this overwhelming stress and depression. So back to the main topic me and my girlfriend broke up in october why i dunno she claimed to not love me. Most of it was her step father who rather disliked me. But a week prior to the 1st breakup she told me she loved me and i spent the night with her cuddeling and all that. Then one day she hates my guts and doesnt want to see me again. Her stepfather even called the police on me for trying to see her at her house. Which subseqeuntly i got an harassmant charge over and i was simply just trying to speak to her. OH anyway i forgot to mention prior to the 1st breakup i finally went to go live with my father again. So now that our problems were solved she breaks up with me. I guess it was because of my drug use i dunno. I was smoking weed alot. She was my only friend at that point in time so i spent a long time alone after that. I used to be popular have alot of friends which i do now again but at the time i was all alone with her on my mind. I would cry frequently about this for months trying to contact her despite her trying to push me away writing her poetry claiming i would stop my drug use if she would give me a second chance. Also note she had a miscarriage right before we broke up too possibly the reason why too. I didnt understand it we were together always when i dint have a job when i was homeless. But now i have a place to live money in my pocket and she leaves me. So in october we broke up again after we had sex a bunch of times she claimed she missed it and that she loved me. Then i asked her for a ride home one day and waited 4 hours at the mall right near her work just to spend an hour with her and go home and she flipped when the thought of her stepfather finding out and called the police on me which subsequently days after i got another harassment charge and a pfa. Im not abusive i really didnt do anything abusive her behavior was irratic and irrational maybe because of the fear of her father discovering about us. So after the pfa i gave up and started using cocaine i got really bad and eventually signed myself into rehab after my father kicked me out of our home and i dropped out of college. Now im 10 months sober ive dated but havent gotten serious with any1 since. I still feel severly depressed and anxiety ridden. We talk now but i cant even look at her picture without feeling like crying. She now has a drug problem and her stepfather well he left her family. Im still frankly in love with her and i cant get over it. I just want things to go back to the way it used to be but i cant say that to her cause it will probably scare her away. She complains to me about how miserable her life is now that she cant stop getting high. I want to help i want to be the person there for her but she wont let me in outside of online contact. Also i live far away from her now cause after rehab i moved out of my home town. Im back in college i have my own apt but i still dont have much of a social life another problem that has to do with a crazy roomate of mine. I just dunno whats wrong why is it that i continue to live feeling misrable and even typing this i want to cry. I just cant point my finger to the solution.