what do you think of this situation? update and few questions

[shadowplay]

Saw my bf this weekend. It seems like our three-month relationship has reached that awkward stage where we're hinging on love or something more serious but each party is uncertain of how the other feels. We've gotten closer over the last few weeks and I get the sense that his feelings for me have gone up a notch. I'm extremely tempted to drop the "L-Bomb" (can't believe I just used that word ) but scared of his response. I've seriously spent hours with him this weekend where we're just cuddling or lying together and those three words have been playing on an endless loop in my head but I can't muster the courage to say them aloud. I've never been so tongue-tied in my life.

 

I sort of breached the subject on friday night. I was acting a little distant because of all the noise in my head and he asked me what I was thinking. I said to him that I was wondering if he was just "using me for sex." I've always been a bit insecure about that since he seems very sexual. Sort of a bad way to bring it up, but whatever. He said his feelings for me have grown substantially recently and he's been wondering at what point in the "falling" process do you say I'm falling for this person. He continued that at the beginning of our relationship he was thinking this would be a relationship where he would fall in love (he never has before -- he's 23, only had one other "official" gf and a few flings), and he got really worried that if he did he'd live in this bubble disconnected from the world around him. He said that he has this paranoia about falling in love. And he thinks we're both being tentative...scared of what the other is feeling. He said he's still kind of in a state of shock we're together because it's rare for him to find someone he has so much in common with and he feels like I'm a "gem." He also said he's extremely happy in our relationship but feels like it could end at any second because I'll suddenly realize he's in NY (4 and half hours away) and break up with him. I told him he doesn't realize how much I care about him and he said he was elated to hear that. FWIW, he has major trust issues because his mother is mentally ill and was neglectful of him as a child.

 

I guess I'm worried that he'll never completely let himself fall for me, or that he'll never get to the point where he can say "I love you." If a few months went by and he still hadn't said it I would feel pretty hurt and uncomfortable. Do you guys think I should just wait a couple of months or tell him that I love him now? I do really love him, I'm certain of it, and want so much to share my feelings but I'm not sure what to do. One possibility I've considered is writing him an email after he reads this weekend where I lay out my feelings.

 

What do you guys think? I see him again tonight...

[Ocean-Blue]

Seeing as how you guys have talked about feelings and sort of danced around the L word...I'd leave it for now. It'd be different if there was NO discussion whatsoever...but that's not the case here. You guys talked. He opened up and told you how he felt (maybe not entirely, but the can has been opened).

 

I'd say, leave it for now. Give it a few more weeks/months. Then revisit the issue. I'm sure you're dying to tell him you love him...but b/c of his issues and history, I would tread carefully with him.

 

I remember when I began to fall for my bf (it was quite fast actually). I told myself that I would not say "I love you" till I was 100% sure. But of course, the best laid plans...

 

I ended up blurting it out. And the took it back (profusely apologizing...saying "oh God I never meant it like that" - how romantic, eh). By then he'd already told me (and I was hoping that I'd have some restraint).

 

Anyway, with these things, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. I think it's great you are being considerate of his feelings and his baggage. Try your best to wait and see how things progress from here.

 

Good luck SP.

[shadowplay]

 

I'd say, leave it for now. Give it a few more weeks/months. Then revisit the issue. I'm sure you're dying to tell him you love him...but b/c of his issues and history, I would tread carefully with him.

 

Anyway, with these things, sometimes our emotions get the best of us. I think it's great you are being considerate of his feelings and his baggage. Try your best to wait and see how things progress from here.

 

Good luck SP.

 

Thanks for the input. You're probably right about waiting, but I'm going crazy. It's like it feels so natural and I just want to say it. When we're cuddling his favorite position is lying with his head on my chest and me stroking his head...it's really cute and I feel so overpowered with emotion when he does that. I wish there was SOMETHING I could say to him to express my emotions...like I wish there was a word less serious than love between like and love that wouldn't scare him off. I'm going to wait it out, but is there any other way of expressing my feelings without using those words?

[oppath]

Just tell him you are thrilled to have him in your life and miss him when you aren't near him. The word LOVE can mean different things to different people. Some guys hear it and they think "oh ****, marriage" for example. Falling in love is a good stage for you both to be in, so rather than focus on this exact word, just try to be more expressive with him.

 

My ex told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry around 3 months. I was falling in love, and I saw a future with her, but for me, to say "I love you" I want to have gone through a fight or two with the girl first, for example, and really explore how we are as a couple. To me, being in love is what exists AFTER the honeymoon has gone, so I'm hesitant to say it too soon. To me, it doesn't mean "I'm hopeful you are in my future," it means "I know I want you in my future."

 

Around 4-5 months, I told her I was falling for her. A month later I was ready to say "I love you." Of course, she dumped me. I sometimes wonder if holding back how I felt was one of the reasons. I know she wanted more romance, and when she requested that, I became more expressive. But to me, to say "I love you" means "no matter what happens in my life, I want you to be there." And want does not mean HOPE. For me to say "I love you" means "if something were to happen, like my job moving across the country, I'd want to consult you and make a committment to you." So to say it at 3 months, that is something I couldn't do with any woman, because to me the word is very serious. It's not marriage serious, but it means "I am VERY committed to you, you are my priority." Because of that, I'd struggle to tell someone I loved them before 5-6 months. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be falling in love, it just means I need time to truly get to know the woman before expressing myself in that way. I believe it is a very serious word implying a serious commitment, and I feel you should really know someone for who they are when you use it. I also feel you should have had a fight or two, or a challenge, before saying it, because I believe love is one of the feelings of admiration you have for your partner even when you have a disagreement. It is a lasting endearment.

 

So, I think telling him "I'm developing feelings for you" is a great place to be right now. Give him a couple more months to actually be in love with you. It sounds like he is falling for you.

[Ocean-Blue]

Just tell him you are thrilled to have him in your life and miss him when you aren't near him. The word LOVE can mean different things to different people. Some guys hear it and they think "oh ****, marriage" for example. Falling in love is a good stage for you both to be in, so rather than focus on this exact word, just try to be more expressive with him.

 

My ex told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry around 3 months. I was falling in love, and I saw a future with her, but for me, to say "I love you" I want to have gone through a fight or two with the girl first, for example, and really explore how we are as a couple. To me, being in love is what exists AFTER the honeymoon has gone, so I'm hesitant to say it too soon. To me, it doesn't mean "I'm hopeful you are in my future," it means "I know I want you in my future."

 

Around 4-5 months, I told her I was falling for her. A month later I was ready to say "I love you." Of course, she dumped me. I sometimes wonder if holding back how I felt was one of the reasons. I know she wanted more romance, and when she requested that, I became more expressive. But to me, to say "I love you" means "no matter what happens in my life, I want you to be there." And want does not mean HOPE. For me to say "I love you" means "if something were to happen, like my job moving across the country, I'd want to consult you and make a committment to you." So to say it at 3 months, that is something I couldn't do with any woman, because to me the word is very serious. It's not marriage serious, but it means "I am VERY committed to you, you are my priority." Because of that, I'd struggle to tell someone I loved them before 5-6 months. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be falling in love, it just means I need time to truly get to know the woman before expressing myself in that way. I believe it is a very serious word implying a serious commitment, and I feel you should really know someone for who they are when you use it. I also feel you should have had a fight or two, or a challenge, before saying it, because I believe love is one of the feelings of admiration you have for your partner even when you have a disagreement. It is a lasting endearment.

 

So, I think telling him "I'm developing feelings for you" is a great place to be right now. Give him a couple more months to actually be in love with you. It sounds like he is falling for you.

 

Very true oppath. Your post illustrates how each of us interprets "I love you".

 

SP, like oppath said, perhaps just telling you're starting to have feelings for him is sufficient for now. You know, w/out dropping the L bomb. Some guys hear that (and girls too) and think "omg...marriage...commitment...babies...house...mortgage". And then there are those that think, "comfort, passion, mutual affection, shared interests".

 

It's funny, my cultural background is such that most ppl in from my ethnic background throw the L word around like it's going out of style. You meet a boy, he thinks you're cute, and suddenly...gasp...he's in love!

 

Keep us posted on what happens.

[oppath]

Yep. To some it means "I really like where this is going and I am confident that it is not just lust, that I am developing feelings for you."

 

To others it means "I want to have your babies."

 

The word LOVE itself is just a word. Be more expressive with him, and see how he expresses himself to you. He may be crazy about you, adore you, and falling for you. Would that not be enough at this stage?

[Timberlane]

When we're cuddling his favorite position is lying with his head on my chest and me stroking his head...it's really cute and I feel so overpowered with emotion when he does that.

 

Don't worry shadowplay. He loves you I think. Someone who likes to do that is in love. You'll be saying it to each other very soon.

[Star Gazer]

Because things are good, no - GREAT - right NOW, I think you should stop worrying so damn much about what he's going to feel and say down the road and just enjoy the moments you share with him NOW.

[Timberlane]

Because things are good, no - GREAT - right NOW, I think you should stop worrying so damn much about what he's going to feel and say down the road and just enjoy the moments you share with him NOW.

 

Very good advice. A lot of us need to be reminded to live in the moment.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

If you feel like you love the guy and you want to say it so much just say it?

 

What are you afraid of?

 

You think that by holding it in the outcome is going to change?

 

Btw, your bf seems like a player to me. Even though he does the work of travelling all that much etc.

 

I thought that when he said this to you: At the end of my first night there he said "you've already made my week and you've only been here one day."

 

Plus all this mumbo jumbo that he "has this paranoia about falling in love," and "he'd live in this bubble disconnected from the world around him" and "he feels like I'm a 'gem.'"

 

Ugh?!

 

Ariadne

[shadowplay]

Okay, guys..well despite all your good advice I did something really, really stupid. I sent him a long email tonight basically spilling out my feelings. What was i thinking?! I am so pissed off at myself right now for not having more self control. This email may have caused irrevocable damage...I don't know. I'm still waiting for his response (I sent it a few hours ago and I expect he's in the midst of composing a reply because he takes a long time on emails).

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

Hey XXXX,

 

I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. Maybe it's a combination of the

weather and being tired. I hope your reading is going well and you're

getting some rest. There are a few things that have been on my mind

that I'd like to share with you.

 

You have a sweetness and concealed vulnerability that really touches

me. The presence of that sweetness in someone whom I really respect

for his intelligence, reflectiveness, appreciation of culture, sense

of humor, creativity, cute idosyncracies, shared world views, and a

hundred other wonderful traits -- makes me prize it even more. I

probably haven't told you this enough but you're very handsome as

well, and I'm proud to be seen with you. We've shared many moments of

perfect closeness that I sometimes replay in my head when you're not around. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though it's

relatively early in our relationship, I'm pretty sure that I love

you--or, at the least, I'm in the process of falling in love with you.

It's really hard for me to tell you that, but I'd be lying if I denied

it. Whatever you want to call it, I know that I feel really warm

inside when we're together and I get instantly happy when I see you

happy. I haven't felt this in a relationship before. One of my

favorite things is when you rest your head on my chest...that makes me

so happy. My heart also really goes out to you because of the family

trauma you've experienced in your life. I long to make you feel loved,

and I hope that I can give you some of the consistent female affection

you may have missed out on growing up.

 

But I would be lying if I said our relationship wasn't tinged with

some sadness and fear that our days are numbered. Part of me worries

that it's only a matter of time before you distance yourself or we're

pulled apart by our physical distance from each other. I was surprised

to hear that you also shared this concern that our relationship could

end at any moment. I think some of the uncertainty stems from our

inconsisent communication. We're close when we're physically together

but when we're apart we don't talk over the phone (only im

), which is a bit

weird--I'll admit it. I'm not saying it's your fault; I think it's the

result of our mutual tentativeness/fear. Perhaps that is something we

should both work on. You know I get nervous on the phone, but it also

feels unnatural for us not to call each other, even for just a brief

chat, and I should try to overcome my social anxiety. I also love

hearing your voice. That said, I realize you're busy and don't have

much opportunity for phone calls since you have no reception in your

apartment. Perhaps we can find some way around this.

 

I did detect something distant in your demeanor today, and this made

me a bit sad. I'm wondering if you were put off by my question the

other day about whether you were just using me for sex. That was

insensitive, and I'm really sorry if it hurt you. I guess i have my

own share of vulnerability and insecurity, which was popping out then.

I hope it didn't make you feel like you can't be physical with me,

because I love having that physical connection with you and wouldn't

want it with anybody else. I'm less sexually experienced than you are,

and so I may be a little tentative at times with the physical stuff.

You've opened me up a lot in that regard, though, and I'm sure you

will continue to do so in exciting ways. Anyway, perhaps it's all in

my head and the grey weather/sudden arrival of fall is just getting to

me. (you're right -- summer is better)

 

I guess there's not much else to say. I hope you can be honest and

open with me as well, and that we can build more communication into

our relationship, which will make it even

better than it already is. I love so much being close to you and i

want that to last and blossom. Hope you're doing well, baby.

 

-Shadowplay

 

 

I feel pretty miserable right now. Is there any way of controlling the damage I've probably caused or is it too late?

[squeak]

Good lordy SP, if you call that letter "damage" ..that's crazy. That was beautiful!

If he can't appreciate that at this point, he is not worthy.

The thing is--I think you have been holding back because inside you fear if you put your cards on the table too soon, he may not reciprocate in a way you want. Or it may cause problems because once it is out, it has to be answered in a positive way.

 

You feel the way you feel, I think 3 months is a good time, as far as some non existent tables of timing and love goes

 

So you have tried to pace yourself to his needs, well your instict is to have your needs met. This is the dance of what a real relationship is now. You were afraid to put it out there, but better you see now than later what his deal is.

 

Don't ever berate yourself for expressing your feelings, you have got to be true to yourself.

 

See what he says.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I'm a tad concerned that he reads this forum because of his use of the term "L-Bomb"

 

I had the same feeling.

 

And about his email, it's completely formal and stepping out of the box.

 

A guy that is in love would have responded in kind, and say, I love you too, you have the cuttest little nose, I love the way your eyes sparkle when... etc etc etc...

 

None of that.

 

Basically, some bs like "where I quietly whispered "I love you" after the door shut." That's a total line, omg.

 

And then back to the mumbo jumbo that doesn't say anything. I don't know where I'm going to live... I'm not sure what school... I can't talk on the phone ever... (or is very complicated)... I understand your insecurites... me me me... how pleasant it is to be around those that care about me...

 

Oh, and write me more please, tell me how wonderful I am.

 

Nah, that guy is full of crap.

 

Ariadne

[Star Gazer]

I'm glad you received the response you were looking for, Shadow.

 

That said, I've never seen a "love letter" that read so...what's the word..."clinical" and emotionally detached before.

 

I mean, seriously??:

 

With regards to the stability of the "long distance" relationship, I have no desire to pull the plug on our developing affections. I also am contemplating how the fates might find ourselves in the same greater metropolitan area. ...The reason for my first --- retreat was the sensation that I didn't have a viable plan, and wasn't armed with a degree (and skills) to take on the impediments of big city living."

[Krytie TV]

I mean, seriously??:

 

I hear you Star, and that is rather verbose

 

However, I think some people mistake long-winded verbal passages for being poetic, even though to the outside observer they sound, clinical, as you say. He probably thought his language was pretty and emotional, and apparently Shadow agreed.

[Cobra_X30]

SG,

 

I was thinking the same thing! This guy does not speak in the the common vernacular! However, I wouldnt characterize the letter as unemotional. I suppose it might be if you dont understand the references... or the bigger words.... LOL.

[Ariadne]

He probably thought his language was pretty and emotional, and apparently Shadow agreed.

 

He was just blabbering junk to make the letter about the same length as hers.

 

He couldn't respond with, that's nice.

 

Ariadne

[oppath]

In defense of this guy, her letter was rather long and verbose as well. Maybe he is just responding in a like-manner.

[Star Gazer]

In defense of this guy, her letter was rather long and verbose as well. Maybe he is just responding in a like-manner.

 

Ahhh, but Shadow's was straight from the heart - admirable, really. On the other hand, the dude's just ... wasn't. But it conveyed the message she wanted to hear, so I guess that's all that matters. I would have just laughed had I been the recipient. I guess when it comes to love, ya gotta dumb it down for me.

[oppath]

Well, I agree. I would have said something like

 

Thanks for sharing how you feel. I'

m

sorry if I caused any hurt or confusiong for you. I am developing feelings for you, strong ones. It may be too soon for me to say I love you, but that doesn't mean I am not headed in that direction. I'

m

incredibly happy you have entered my life and I love how things have gone, and I look forward to continuing to explore a future with you. When we are together it is incredible, and I look forward to having more adventures with you. You are someone I want in my future.

 

But we don't know this guy. Perhaps he thinks in literary analogies, wears black turtlenecks, and actually read all of James Joyce's Ulysses (I gave up and bought the Tucker Max book instead). This is why I never again want to use email for important discussions. It can be too clinical, or at the very least, it is difficult to judge tone.

[Cobra_X30]

Ahhh, but Shadow's was straight from the heart - admirable, really. On the other hand, the dude's just ... wasn't. But it conveyed the message she wanted to hear, so I guess that's all that matters. I would have just laughed had I been the recipient. I guess when it comes to love, ya gotta dumb it down for me.

 

Is that it? Do you really want it dumbed down?

 

Or are you feeling like his email was missing a certain poetic feel?

[Star Gazer]

Is that it? Do you really want it dumbed down?

 

Or are you feeling like his email was missing a certain poetic feel?

 

When it comes to expressing emotions in the written form, I really do prefer more of a raw, organic style of communication (something like, "I really, really like you, I think about you all the time...") than something that appears to have been written by a Ph.D. studying the chemical causes of "love" ("That's a profound and exciting revelation, and I too share the sentiment.")

[Ariadne]

"That's a profound and exciting revelation, and I too share the sentiment."

 

That is just ambiguity defined.

 

What revelation? What sentiment?

 

Oh, yeah, all of them, or something like that, oh the I love you one and he too feels the same? Is that it?

 

She seems like an honest girl with her head on her shoulders and that guy is a mind fk.

 

Wonder why most of the guys here get screwed by their gfs and the girls end up with all these cases. It's amazing, they are out there, LS women find them.

 

Ariadne

[Cobra_X30]

When it comes to expressing emotions in the written form, I really do prefer more of a raw, organic style of communication (something like, "I really, really like you, I think about you all the time...") than something that appears to have been written by a Ph.D. studying the chemical causes of "love" ("That's a profound and exciting revelation, and I too share the sentiment.")

 

I can write all technical if I so choose. However I also know that some guys cant choose. They do as they have been trained!

 

So I would expect that he has a strong background in science and some background in literature!

 

I agree that most often the best form of communication in these instances is more visceral and emotional. However, are you not impressed with his choice of diction and grammer? Doesnt he come across as super smart? Dont you look for intelligence in a man?

[spookie]

I can write all technical if I so choose. However I also know that some guys cant choose. They do as they have been trained!

 

So I would expect that he has a strong background in science and some background in literature!

 

I agree that most often the best form of communication in these instances is more visceral and emotional. However, are you not impressed with his choice of diction and grammer? Doesnt he come across as super smart? Dont you look for intelligence in a man?

 

He comes off as pseudo-intellectual to me, but whatev., he's not my bf.

 

I don't think he's full of ****, but it does sound like he's a little full of himself. Like he'll grab at any opportunity to showcase his deep understanding and appreciation of the written word. I mean, Orwell??