Randal602 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I (44) seperated from my wife (46) of 4 years (second marriage for both) about a month ago. We did everything wrong, saw each other daily, argued, spent time together etc. After a couple of weeks she bagan to pull back as I pushed (typical respose..from what I read)..the more she said she didn't wan to be around me or hear me, the worse I got (begging, pleading, being weak, needy...calling etc). Finally I found this forum and intiated NC... (been 5 days now)....I am now trying to get a read on her..maybe eveyone here can help? I know how I messed up by not doing the NC thing first off....but id it too late?...let me give you an example of one of out lasted exchanges: went out with friends (we live in a small town)..overhead that she was seeing someone already...course like a dummy I confronted her....she swears she isn't...(and from as much time as we have been together, part of me believes her.) The last day before I did NC she invited me over..we talk (was light) thenat the end, she said I sould move on and give up hope. An hour later she called to tell me her sons new truck would be in her drive, and just wanted to let me know so if I saw it I wouldn't think she was doing anything wrong. I asked her why she told me this, she said she didnt want me to "freak out" when I saw a strange truck there. I wanted to read into it that she didn't want me to think she was with someone, but now I really think it was simply to keep me from becoming upset? ( by the way she choose to move around the corner...so I can't avoid going by easily) Also, I can give other examples, I had made up mind to do he NC thing on wed...after I asked her about what I heard....(already have spit things...papers are ready)....I am just confused...we had sex one week after we split and she started crying...we have played around but no sex since then (she said no to sex cause she didn't want to get emotional)...is that a good or bad thing? She also got a new phone, and would only call with a blocked number (I asked her to call that way so I wouldn't know here num) she called several times after I asked her if she was seeing someone, I didn't answer...so she unblocked her number (I HAD TOLD HER i WOULDN'T ANSWER BLOCK CALL)...now I have her number....at least I have been strong enought not to call for five days..is why I am posting here I can go on with more examples of things where her actions and words are not consistent, but over the last week..they did tend to go more towads I can't see us geting back together any time soon and I sould move on. Its Sunday now, havent head or spoken to her in 5 days....I know if I call, I will just be hurt again...we have a couneling meeting for tomorrow, she said she would go to, but for the wrong reasons....I asked her not to give me false hope and left....I called one time (on wed.)...she didn't answer...since then is NC Now (sorry this is long)...why did we split?...we were doing well up to last December, then her father died after a lengthy ilness. They were very close. Jan, her son got married and moved away. After that she grew more distant, depressed (although she wont admit) she went to bed eariler and only left the house for work. I started to sleep in the other room so as not to disturb her at night (plus she gets up early)within a month she informed me she like sleeping alone, except on the weekends. I sat down with her in April to discuss this and several other issues (her helping more around the house, us getting out of the house, the fact that she may be sad, depessed etc) She point black told me she didn't want to change. After that we started fight (not physical) and argueing and I was angry al the time.. I kept trying to ask her to compromise, she'd say she wouldn't. Then ther'd be comments like a quote from her mom saying "I don't know why a woman would get married and give up their free-will" Now I hear from her that after her dad died she will never answer to another man. and if I want to move on, thats ok. I can go on and on? any advice from anyone?
popey Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I have to say first, that this is a pretty deep one, and I'm fearful of my qualifications/experience (or lack there of) to adequately respond, so PLEASE keep that in mind. While her actions sound like she is pretty much ready to move on, but sends mixed messages b/c she really cares about your pain... other details leave some questions to this in my mind. First: I can say from experience, that big changes in life have been correlated to my chosing to break up in my long term relationships. Don't know what that means, if anything, but its a fact. Second, it sounds to me like maybe she has a bunch of change and sorrow in her life, which she feels powerless to. She has unhappiness, and wants to change it. Bringing her father back to life, or stopping her son from going to college are not things she can do; leaving you is. Now I don't know that this is it, so I really don't want to mislead you with what may be false hope; but maybe (at least a part if it) is her lashing out at the one big thing in her life over which she can excercise control- sensible or not. Kinda like anorexics and bullemics; supposedly they do this b/c they feel no control in their lives, and eating (or not) is one thing NO ONE can control over them. My gut says that going to the counselor is a good thing. She may very well need it regardless of your relationship problems, and maybe alot that is bottled of, disguised or projected can be broken down to the core issues. I say try your best to strong and rational (i know- easy for me to say.) but try. Go to the counseling with a sincerity about your concern for her general unhappines, your unhappiness and the loss of your relationship. hope this helps, and wish you both better times.
Author Randal602 Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 thanks for you reply...the problem is that she is reluctant to go to counseling..(we went twice..she stopped after that..only agreed to go back when I said I was filing) and I doubt she will after I asked her not to give me false hope...she had said that they can't do anything for her, (her mother was/is a theripist, and that she has heard evething they can say her whole life), but then if she goes, wil it be because we have had NC and she is trying to keep me on a leash?...who knows? we will see if she shows up tomorrow Plus diring my pathetic stage, I sent her links to all kinds of forums and websites in order to help her understand what was going on (course she interperted this as me trying to influence her...she may be right?) and of course she never read any of the information, stating that she is "fine" and doesn't need help one other thing I find odd is she doesn't dicuss our seperation/divorce with anyone, not her friends or family..she says it is noones business she also continues to wear her wedding ring, not because of out marriage, but because she like how it looks (her words), and intends to wear it after we are divorced... the ring to her is just a ring... when I told her she had boxed me in a corner that I was filing papers, she said they are just papers, the don't mean anything...to her same thing when I asked her if she wanted to wait a month..she said whatever I want...she doesnt care....a month wont make much difference again..(during my needy stage, which I told her I probably be pretty pathetic for a few weeks when she moved out...wish Id found this forum first)) I asked if she still loved me...she always said I love you, but u make me crazy (or someother "but" satement) I am thinking now she wants a saftey net (we were finacially secure...and she is on her on now...she even asked me last week when I told her I was ready to move on (think she believed me this time) who is she gonna call if i get a divorce and she needs something, course if i offer to do something for her, she now says no, she doesn't wanna fell obligated (so I quit asking) she has the papers at her house (put them in the box) friday... any advice....
popey Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Sounds like there's a good chance she has created a defense mechanism protecting her from reality... and maybe from personal responsibility for some of her unhappiness. Things like: "therapy can't do anything for me"; and not confiding in anyone about your life and feelings; and not reading the links you offer for some insight, and even the blanket, "I'm fine, I don't need help" I often suspect this kind of behavior to be the manifestations of reality avoidance. If I don't talk to anyone, they can't tell me I'm wrong about anything. or I can't deny what's happening or what I'm feeling, if a therapy session draws it out of me. If I am only wearing my wedding ring, for fashion; then I don't have to feel the sense of failure and loss associated with the act of finality in taking it off. maybe if you could try to help her view the therapy sessions with you as being about the two of you... not some Freud trying to 'FIX' her. Not so much "therapy" but a communication facilitator to help two people who still care about one another's lives and feelings; talk through how to deal with your present situation and future.
Author Randal602 Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 thanks, I fell like your righ, problem is that both her last 2 relationships (a long mariage 17 years..and a live in 4 years) seemed to have ended the same way (except there weas no sex)..think this is a pattern ...and don't think she can stop it..or doesn't even see it feel like I was manipulated into making all the decisions.. moving out was my idea...cause she wouldn't make an effort the divorce will be me filing..cause she makes no effort... sound familiar?
popey Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Doesn't really sound familiar, sorry. Not sure I'm understanding what you're trying to say in this one.
Author Randal602 Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 meant to say, the way I am starting to feel it seems like she has enginered this whole breakup in such a way that she came blame me for every step.... and I am having to react...and ask her to move out..then I am left with little choice but file for a divorce not say she did this on purpose, but I have learned some things form her past relationships (which she would not discuss during marriage)..I think there is a pattern her.. just trying to decide if I wait for a bit, or just give up?
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