rtHawk Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 HI posting here too; keeping my tears in.. the fear, the worry, the feelings all back again is just so hard to hold in Oi! really having angst this weekend! my guy, we have been with each other 6 + yrs with a pause in-between. We have a very good R now... the past; 2 3/4 yr ago he cheated on me.... ( I suspect it wasn't the first time now that I look back) but he got caught... we managed to resolve and get past and make the best of our R from there. forward to about 8 month after that known D-day and I contracted Herpes... yup--from him--- I was faithful and committed so I know it wasn't my indiscretion. but the one he caught in. again we move forward and keep the R alive and love for each other.... sheeesh I don't know how I did it and do it still. but for this weekend.. he sort of blew off plans for us and decided to go fishing with his friend. and then I find out also to travel to Montreal... well, Montreal in his past was for partying with women... strip clubs etc...and the SC there allow full legal contact-ughhhhhhhh so my first response and the first time in these 2 past years was to ask if he was going to the SC? he said not with the guy he was going with... as if to say his friend wouldn't be interested (has a GF) I have only asked him once in these two years in a time when it came up not to go to them... he did in the past b-4 I knew about the cheating and I tolerated it, didn't like it but didn't make issue of it. NOW--that is not how I view them anymore,,, it is as close to cheating as you can get without actually being with another woman... for me it is a sign that he wishes he could cheat but won't because he knows he is + for herpes and could give it to someone else. Never mind what it would do to my sense of self as a woman .... I do everything with him to keep our sex life happy and exciting..and hot.... I am in shape and do the best I can to be a damn good woman in his life. so, SC now would just set me off the edge...I can't ever ever experience being cheated on again--the pain is too damaging; never mind the fall-out for the rest of the R-- trust, worry, anxiety, I finally got to a place of greater peace with this before this weekend.... I have dealt with the herpes outbreaks even tho they remind me each single time that I got that from him cheating on me I have NEVER smeared his face in it .... never pushed guilt into his daily life... but I have also, cried and been angry and sad alone for it.... esp with the herpes OB. and it has done even more damage and compounded my self-image, self-esteem and sense of self as a woman in his eyes.. sometimes I feel devalued, ugly, unattractive, unworthy, compared to, by and that he is with me because it is easier than dealing with a non-hepres partner. anyway, this weekend has made me feel all the feelings, sadness, hurt, anger, of when I learned he cheated on me, all because I am worried that in the environment of Montreal, SC there , hit the regular bars that he would go, and chat-up some bar-fly women looking for a "free" drink.. his response to me about what he was going to do there was to go the bars and out to dinner. Before he left I told him I had some worries about montreal and his past there etc. and his response for me was not to be crazy about it... I then told him that having been cheated on certainly never helped my sense of sanity about these things and that was it, I haven't heard a thing since.. am left feeling the worry of the unknown, the temptations, the possibilites and the hope for his honesty when we get together again... if he went to the SC... I don't think I could actually hold onto the R anymore, I love him with all my heart, but can't hurt anymore either.... so anxious and desperate for some thoughts and words to lift me up a bit. thanks in advance
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 He in the wrong and put his own selfishness above you and the relationship. Fact that he was the one who cheated on you, and gave you herpes (I am sorry to hear that), HE isn't doing much to make you feel loved, secure and worry. His actions and the way he is treating you right now is sooo NOT right. What a FOOL! While he's away, do some thinking of what it is you're trying to save here. You have a man who has cheated and doesn't seem to feel much remorse, he now puts himself in a situation where you are doubting him and for him to do something very stupid if tempted... Aside from negative, think of some good things you love about him and ask yourself IS HE WORTH IT? Does the good outweigh the bad, or does the bad outweigh the good. A spouse shouldn't make you feel worthless, unloved and crazy in a bad way. Sorry for your pain.
OpenBook Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 My advice would be, run (do not walk -- RUN) to the nearest liquor store, pick up some good-quality packing boxes, pack up your sh*t and leave. Do not leave a note (or any other trace of you) so that he will not be able to track you down. Do not look back.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 My advice would be, run (do not walk -- RUN) to the nearest liquor store, pick up some good-quality packing boxes, pack up your sh*t and leave. Do not leave a note (or any other trace of you) so that he will not be able to track you down. Do not look back. Wow, don't know Rth if I'd be that harsh, but you BF does come across as slightly sociopathic. First, he cheats on you and then revisits the scene of the crime. And you're crazy for being concerned about it ? Lots for you to think about here... Mr. Lucky
Havn_a_life Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I have no tolerance for strip clubs, so #1 would be why I wouldn't want him back in my life, and tying #1 is of course him giving me herpes. I'd have dumped that a*ss then. You have no reason to want to stay with him. Ever. He's a self serving jacka*ss and he won't change cause he hasn't tried in how many yrs since giving you that disease? Scrape him off your feet and move on. He's handed you enough BS to last you a lifetime! Like anothe poster stated above. RUN, don't walk!
Zapbasket Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I'm inclined to agree with OpenBook and Havin'. You need to seriously re-think staying in this relationship. Someone who made a mistake before that resulted in giving his partner a lifelong disease would--if he truly was mature enough for a true love relationship--feel so terrible about the consequence of his actions that he'd never toy with your trust again.
Author rtHawk Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 I'm inclined to agree with OpenBook and Havin'. You need to seriously re-think staying in this relationship. Someone who made a mistake before that resulted in giving his partner a lifelong disease would--if he truly was mature enough for a true love relationship--feel so terrible about the consequence of his actions that he'd never toy with your trust again. THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU, FOR AT THE BEST PART CONFIRMING THAT I AM NOT INSANE FOR FEELING THESE RE-AWAKENED CONCERNS. it has been the course of those 2+ years that I have felt he has understood the consequences of his selfish behaviours and so for that I have forgiven (to the best I can so as not allow bitterness to take the life out of who I am; generally a very energectic-happy person) I have felt the ability to regain much but of course not all ever again; trust in him. We have always had a good relationship in many other ways and share so much common joie de vivre.... his passions lie very close to what I appreciate in life and in the world.... so I have given to love and belief that he is a good person who has done some bad things; sadly- permanently damaging to me. I haven't doubted or felt mistrust with his last fishing trip or other ventures out with the boys....but in Montreal, I knew of his play times there years ago. as he spoke of them the SC thing just doesn't work for me, but in Montreal it is just beyond tolerable as the contact is allowed. He may not have gone, he may have gone drinking to bars(hopefully without chatting-up some flirty women)... and I hope he didn't but also would need him to be honest with me about it. I seriously think his friend is a decent guy and wouldn't tolerate bad behaviour, but I don't think that is enough. I haven't asked for much in the way or reassurances over the years... I figured, either he gets it or he doesn't.... this weekend just woke up the fear, anxiety, sadness, self-doubt as a woman... because he doesn't seem to get that going to a SC verges on a type of disregard, disrespect of me as a woman and his love. My threshold was maxed out with the herpes, and thinking that he could possibly go to the SC there is just beyond what I can cope with. Of course this is all based on my unproven worries about what happened there. to answer WWIU ?-- I have over the years examined the positives over the negatives and watched him to see that the positives continued to overwhelm the negatives-- and they for the most part have. until now, when I stopped to think about how much heartache these feelings have brought me this weekend while he was out drinking, fishing having a great ol time.... doing what else with whom else,,, I don't know. and I will be left looking like the "bad" guy because I dared to bring up the cheating thing.. he doensn't like feeling like the "bad guy" and being reminded that he isn't always the good guy so he won't have liked being reminded what an ass he has been. I keep questioning myself, ?? my "right" to feel him going to SC is wrong and would be hurtful to me... ??? to hope he understands how hurtful it would be to me, My mistake, I did not actually ask him NOT to go--ugghhhhh I do feel he re-gained my trust in many ways before this weekend but this weekend has jeopardized it all for my worries. I am lost in some ways in my own confusion about not wanting to be a negative woman/SO in his life by showing him my doubt and mistrust after he has tried to regain it and with feeling that I am justified in this lapse in trust if even unfounded.... I dont want to hurt him with my mistrust and yet I know I can't endure the pain of cheating, SC or the like.... I really appreciate your suppport... right now I am so much self-doubt.. and am actually worrying that I may have hurt him in my behaviour....
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Do you believe that you deserve to be treated like this? If not... a guy that will love you and treat you well may be right around the corner! Are you willing to pass up happiness? I wish you happiness!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I do feel he re-gained my trust in many ways before this weekend but this weekend has jeopardized it all for my worries. So, the obvious question is, why would he discard that trust (and with it, your sense of security) so casually? Given the history, seems like an insensitive and borderline hostile thing to do. Are you sure he is vested in the relationship as you are ? Mr. Lucky
Author rtHawk Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 you are all a great bunch! Mr. L--you are a good egg! as for discarding trust and my security so easily; I really don't know why. I can only guess he has become soooo comfortable with me and knowing that I have not and do not rub the cheating/herpes thing into his life that he has sort of become complacent and maybe falsely assured that I won't bring it up. or- he just doesn't get the pain and hurt I have gone thru.. partly my own fault because I really have dealt with it mostly on my own in my silent turmoil and have not beat him-up and down with it as I should have or-he is oblivious but I have started to put together my thoughts and feelings to let him know my feelings and my bounderies.... basically, as I have maxed out ,,, honesty from him is still essential and I don't not wish to set things up so there is lying to protect me or the R; but also, I cannot tolerate cheating or SC..that will be the finality.. any thoughts on to approach this from a man's perspective so I address it with maturity but also not push him into deception in the future when he goes back out with the boys?????????????????? getting chilly here in New England!!! but the leaves are real pretty
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