stuffedup Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I was happily married for 11 years up until i stuffed up i dont know why i did wat i did. Have the most amazing husband, kind, gentle, best lover, great provider and father. We have a great marriage very strong and intimate so I dont know y i wod even consider wat i've done to him. I have hurt my husband the worst way a wife could hurt their soul mate. Went out for drinks with a few mates and we were having a great time, then my husbands workmate and i were on the dance floor one thing led to another...it ended in our swimming pool when my husband caught me with his mate... we didnt have sex because my husband stopped us. I have smashed my relationship with my husband and any respect he had for me. i am sooo confused and hurt for my husband, im disgusted in myself and so ashamed. i hate wat i've done.
Tony T Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 The only thing you can do is ask your husband for forgiveness and try to repair your marriage. If he doesn't want to it's over. You have to learn that actions have consequences. Many people on this forum would condemn you for what you did, even though it was short of sex. However, you're human and humans do make mistakes. Unfortunately, your mistake could be devastating. Forgive yourself and see if this can be worked out, perhaps with the help of a counselor. If not, I think you have learned an enormous lesson...that you are human and not perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 The only thing you can do is ask your husband for forgiveness and try to repair your marriage. I disagree slightly, as I think that in order to reapair your marriage you have to repair "you". There is a reason you did what you did, and IC or other self-examination would help you understand why. Also, were I your H, I'd want to know what would prevent this from happening again. Don't delay... Mr. Lucky
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I was happily married for 11 years up until i stuffed up i dont know why i did wat i did. Have the most amazing husband, kind, gentle, best lover, great provider and father. We have a great marriage very strong and intimate so I dont know y i wod even consider wat i've done to him. I have hurt my husband the worst way a wife could hurt their soul mate. Went out for drinks with a few mates and we were having a great time, then my husbands workmate and i were on the dance floor one thing led to another...it ended in our swimming pool when my husband caught me with his mate... we didnt have sex because my husband stopped us. I have smashed my relationship with my husband and any respect he had for me. i am sooo confused and hurt for my husband, im disgusted in myself and so ashamed. i hate wat i've done. You described how you have a great home (pool house), great family, and a great husband and you went and did this to him? It seems that he is the one who is the provider based on your writing and if he chooses to leave you, what are you going to do? The damage to the marriage is done and it will never be the same again. The way he looks at you and the level of respect he had for you will never be the same. The trust and love he has for you will never be the same. I hope the few hours of fun you had on the dance floor and at the pool were great because it has cost you alot!
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I disagree slightly, as I think that in order to reapair your marriage you have to repair "you". There is a reason you did what you did, and IC or other self-examination would help you understand why. Also, were I your H, I'd want to know what would prevent this from happening again. Don't delay... Mr. Lucky These days, we love to blame it to "something" other than ourselves when we did something wrong. I messed around because I didn't get enough attention; I am lazy, because I'm not motivated; etc, etc. She needs to accept responsibility for what she did and she deserves whatever consequences that she will face next.
Author stuffedup Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 You described how you have a great home (pool house), great family, and a great husband and you went and did this to him? It seems that he is the one who is the provider based on your writing and if he chooses to leave you, what are you going to do? The damage to the marriage is done and it will never be the same again. The way he looks at you and the level of respect he had for you will never be the same. The trust and love he has for you will never be the same. I hope the few hours of fun you had on the dance floor and at the pool were great because it has cost you alot! i agree with everything that has been said...we both have built this great life, I have my own career that I enjoy immensely and he's got his career which takes him away for long stints at a time but thats how it's always been...thats what made for our great partnership. I dont care about the money losing the house, assets etc those things mean nothing if not shared with him. I hate the hurt in his eyes, the slump in his shoulders, the humiliation in his face, the torture in his voice when he speaks to me. I would never wish this pain on any human being, I am not that kind of person I abhor this type of behaviour. I am doing a lot of self examination as to why and currently seeking the help of a professional as for my husband who has completely shut me out I have no idea whether he's getting some sort of help...he's due to leave for 3 weeks and Im so worried for his mental health.
Author stuffedup Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 These days, we love to blame it to "something" other than ourselves when we did something wrong. I messed around because I didn't get enough attention; I am lazy, because I'm not motivated; etc, etc. She needs to accept responsibility for what she did and she deserves whatever consequences that she will face next. I accept fully my responsibility for what I have done and the consequences to follow I am willing to face it all. I am one never to shy from my responsibilities. Im just having a hard time dealing with the gravity of my actions and the excruitiating pain I've caused. I've always prided myself as a loyal, faithful, honest and dedicated wife as these qualities in a marriage I hold so dearly....people that know me will be shocked by my actions...as I am.
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I accept fully my responsibility for what I have done and the consequences to follow I am willing to face it all. I am one never to shy from my responsibilities. Im just having a hard time dealing with the gravity of my actions and the excruitiating pain I've caused. I've always prided myself as a loyal, faithful, honest and dedicated wife as these qualities in a marriage I hold so dearly....people that know me will be shocked by my actions...as I am. IF what you said is true, what went through your mind when you did what you did at the dance floor and at the pool not for few seconds, but for hours. If you were not discovered by your husband, and you really enjoyed the experience, which I am sure you did, do you think you would have done it again and again untill you're finally discovered? What is so special about this workmate of his? How is he going to deal with him on a regular basis picturing him all over you? Has your husband expressed any anger yet, such as calling you a slut, etc.? Do you think you deserve your husband and deserve a second chance?
bish Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 As a BH, I will say, what you have done to him will stay with him forever. He may decide to forgive you...but even if he does...you have sentenced him to a life of always wondering about you and thinking about what you did. He'll never EVER forget what you did and he will, even when things seem to be going well, will fly off the handle and probably throw this back in your face once in a while...and really...you or nobody else can blame him. So what do you do? If you think you want to keep him you are going to have to basically break your back to show your husband that it will never happen again...and even if you bust your ass doing so...he still may feel like you are capable of doing it again...and really..if you are capable of it once, you are again. I'd say going out for drinks and dancing are over. You have proven you can't handle the situation. And if you do go, your H needs to be there. It may sound like he needs to be keeping tabs on you from now on..but remember...you did this...not him. If you don't think setting certain rules is fair...then try being on his end of it.
bish Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I disagree slightly, as I think that in order to reapair your marriage you have to repair "you". There is a reason you did what you did, and IC or other self-examination would help you understand why. Also, were I your H, I'd want to know what would prevent this from happening again. What else is her H suppose to do? She already gave him props...doesn't look like there was much he could do. She already said he was the best lover, kind, gentle and loving. What more does the guy have to do to stave off a cheating wife? Some people just cheat out of the sheer excitement of it, or can't handle forsaking all others for the rest of their life.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I accept fully my responsibility for what I have done and the consequences to follow I am willing to face it all. I am one never to shy from my responsibilities. Im just having a hard time dealing with the gravity of my actions and the excruitiating pain I've caused. I've always prided myself as a loyal, faithful, honest and dedicated wife as these qualities in a marriage I hold so dearly....people that know me will be shocked by my actions...as I am. Why? I'm not understanding why you did this? Be honest... do you feel like your husband is missing something that you need? Is he boring... inatentive... ect. Also... if your Husband had not stopped you... how far would you have gone? And why did you feel like you could go as far as you did? Were you expecting to get caught?
Citizen Erased Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 If he was your soul mate then you wouldn't have fooled around with somebody else. You have it in you to say no, to walk away from such a situation because you love your husband and want ONLY your husband. The fact that you didn't says alot about your marriage and yourself. I'm not saying it to be mean, I don't know you nor the details of your mariage etc. But this has happened and you need to take responsibility, let him KNOW you take full responsibility, and be prepared for the outcome. For him to find you in your pool where your children swim doing God knows what with another man, a man he knows himself, is a blow I find it hard to believe he will recover from. And if he does want to try to forgive you then you will have to prepare yourself for the fight your marriage will become. Good luck
Author stuffedup Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 i've just finished another session ...and again everything that has been said on this post is all true and is replayed in my mind over and over.... this is a hard question and a question that my therapist asked me again... Why? I'm not understanding why you did this? Be honest... do you feel like your husband is missing something that you need? Is he boring... inatentive... ect. Also... if your Husband had not stopped you... how far would you have gone? And why did you feel like you could go as far as you did? Were you expecting to get caught? regardless what a person lacks its still no excuse or reason to behave in such a manner. my own husband told me he expected so much more from me never in his wildest dreams would he expect this he said because of the position i have in my career, i always lead by example not what i say, i deal with situations on a daily basis i see the trauma that this causes, people turn to me for strength in difficult times he loved that i was always so strong and stable... i've made a huge mess i know that....
Author stuffedup Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 If he was your soul mate then you wouldn't have fooled around with somebody else. You have it in you to say no, to walk away from such a situation because you love your husband and want ONLY your husband. The fact that you didn't says alot about your marriage and yourself. I'm not saying it to be mean, I don't know you nor the details of your mariage etc. But this has happened and you need to take responsibility, let him KNOW you take full responsibility, and be prepared for the outcome. For him to find you in your pool where your children swim doing God knows what with another man, a man he knows himself, is a blow I find it hard to believe he will recover from. And if he does want to try to forgive you then you will have to prepare yourself for the fight your marriage will become. Good luck yes you are so right and believe me i dont take think you are being mean if i want mean i can rely on a best friend to give me a tongue whiping especially when she finds out how stupid i have been. I guess i hav come on to this forum as an outlet I dont want pity .. im fine when i go to the therapist, work, running after kids its when it all stops, my mind keeps going round n round (for my husband this would 100x worse). Ive been prescribed meds but refuse to take them on the basis i dont want to dull or numb these feelings i want to work thru it being fully aware of everything thats going on as painful as it seems.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 my own husband told me he expected so much more from me never in his wildest dreams would he expect this he said because of the position i have in my career, i always lead by example not what i say, i deal with situations on a daily basis i see the trauma that this causes, people turn to me for strength in difficult times he loved that i was always so strong and stable... i've made a huge mess i know that.... Hmmm... My question was Why. I'm not going to judge you or your husband. The point of that question is this. If you cant determine why.... how can you look your husband in the eye and say you wont do this again. In fact you cant fix it, because you dont understand it. So honestly... Why?
Author stuffedup Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Hmmm... My question was Why. I'm not going to judge you or your husband. The point of that question is this. If you cant determine why.... how can you look your husband in the eye and say you wont do this again. In fact you cant fix it, because you dont understand it. So honestly... Why? to be honest i dont know why... i'm sorry i can't answer that question cos im soo exhausted mentally and physically.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I understand how you feel. Your in a tough situation. When your feeling better... definitely put some thought into that question... "Why?" I'm not sure your going to be able to heal and move on without some kind of understanding of what motivates you. Obviously something inside you isnt working... until you find it and fix it... there is no guarantee that this wont happen again. You dont want this to happen again do you? I note that your husband is going out of town soon.
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Hmmm... My question was Why. I'm not going to judge you or your husband. The point of that question is this. So honestly... Why? Why do you expect every case to have a complicated answer. Maybe she's just horny.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Why do you expect every case to have a complicated answer. Maybe she's just horny. LOL... it's because we are complicated animals! This behavior shows a critical lack of self control, combined with a flagrant disregard for the feelings of others. So even if the answer is "I was just horny", that displays a severe character flaw that needs to be addressed. Shrugging your shoulders and thinking Oh, I just wont do it again.... thats not a solution. That make sense?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 What else is her H suppose to do? She already gave him props...doesn't look like there was much he could do. She already said he was the best lover, kind, gentle and loving. What more does the guy have to do to stave off a cheating wife? We're in agreement here, Bish, that's exactly what I was trying to say. Not that there's any good reason to cheat, but she didn't even have the rationalization of abusive or neglectful H. Her task (which, as others have said, may not even be possible) is to get him to believe that she has addressed the underlying personal issues that led to this one time bout of temporary insanity. Definitely an uphill battle ... Mr. Lucky
BHBV66 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 How far did you get? Were you both naked in the pool? Or just heavy kissing?
bestadvisor Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I guess things must not be going well since she's not responding.
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